13 Ghosts: Does She Realize That An All Glass House Equals An Everyone Sees You Naked All the Time House?

So I pretty much only like this movie because of the ghosts and the makeup and stuff. And before you ask, yes, I have seen the original but these ghosts are so much more fun...! Especially naked ones in bloody bath water!

The story is a little weird. Cyrus is a ghost hunter and actually physically catches ghosts. But not just ghosts....evil murderous nasty mean ghosts- and one nice one. Cyrus needs to capture the 13 ghosts of the black zodiac to fuel his "house" that is really an eye of hell....which is apparently also created by the devil- he's a pretty decent architect that devil!

Cyrus supposedly dies in the beginning trying to catch the Juggernaut and his house is left to his nephew, Tony Shalhoub who's daughter is also known as the naked foreign chick from American Pie. The family is delighted by the sight of the sprawling, all glass mansion. Personally I don't see the appeal but I guess anything is better than where they used to live. So they get a tour, and we soon start meeting some of these ghosts. The catch is- only the people wearing the special glasses can see the ghosts. The ghosts come out one by one every time another door is unlocked or a spell chanted or something whacky.

So that's enough of that summary. I think what I enjoy most about this movie is the kind of backstory behind each ghost and it's traumatic previous life. After I saw this for the first time I was convinced that the black zodiac really existed. Turns out-it doesn't. BUT there are a bunch of sites still devoted to it and give a very detailed description of each ghost.

My favorite ghost is probably the angry princess- but that's just because I like artfully positioned blood. I don't see why she has to be naked but whatever. I just really like how the picture changes from normal bathroom to post suicidal bathroom.

Ooooh she's so angry!

Then of course there is the Jackal- which I think is the creepiest and scariest looking thing I've ever seen.

Yeah that box isn't doing anything for him. Seeing that thing come out of nowhere is the scariest thing about this movie....and maybe the only scary thing.

Then the ghost with the best makeup is most def the Hammer

Well I think it's decent anyways.

Of course the movie itself isn't very good, and Matthew Lillard only gets more annoying with every movie he does. Plus there's a terrible and embarrasing rap performed by the nanny, Rah Digga during the credits. I just love those ghosts though!

Here are the rest of them ghosts.

The Torso

The Pilgrimess

The Juggernaut

The Great Child and the Dire Mother

The Torn Prince

The First Born Son

The Bound Woman

The Withered Lover

Well that's that.

Shrooms: Meh

Shrooms is by most standards a pretty bad movie. The twist has been done, the scares have been done. Pretty much everything is borrowed and the only good thing is that the girl from the Disney original movie The Color of Friendship is the lead. Oh and there's a fart joke.

Some kids take a trip to Ireland to meet up with their "irish" friend who is obviously british all in the hopes that they will trip on shrooms. They come to a nice deserted dark and green looking woods where they hunt for the shrooms. The british guy warns them not to pick the ones with the big black spot but the color of friendship girl isn't around to hear that bit of advice. When she does come across one she eats it right away and has a massive seizure.

That night around the campfire, british boy tells a scary story. Blah blah there's an abandoned school where some massacre happened and this guy beat people with a belt and razor blade attached then killed everyone. Pretty standard stuff.

Soon people start dropping like flies. They have bad trips involving talking cows and blowjobs that end in bitten off penis' and irish hill billies that ooze drool from their chins and scary cloaked men who make Samara noises. It's all very common and boring.

Nothing was really scary at all in this, save for the black cloaked figure which like scary asian girls with long hair will always be somewhat scary. But the main problem is that the twist is pretty easy to figure out. Color of friendship girl claims she has dreams where she knows what happens? Yeah sure. AKA you've been killing all your friends and not realizing it. A lame twist and a terrible exaggeration of what actually happens when you take shrooms plus characters that no one really cares about makes for a pretty lame movie.

Zombie: Sharks Will Always Reign Supreme.

Oh zombies zombies. Personally I'm a little bored of the zombie mania that seems to never die... just like a zombie...ha ha. But watching these old zombie movies makes me understand why it is such a craze now.

The film opens when an apparently abandoned yacht drifts into the harbor. Two patrolmen investigate and one is killed by a fat and nauseating zombie man. The other patrolman fires off some shots and the zombie falls in the ocean. The police call upon a woman named Anne for questioning as it was her father's boat involved. She knows nothing but yearns to find out the truth about her missing father and what has become of him. She soon unites with a hunky newspaper reporter where they find a note tracing Anne's father to a remote island.

The island has a little epidemic. The dead come back alive and kill people turning them into zombies and so forth and so on. Nothing new to report there. Those pesky zombies can never take a hint. So Anne and the reporter plus some naked scuba diver lady and a less hunky man soon become under attack by pretty much the whole island. Will they survive? Puh-lease the zombies always win, unless of course there is a shark involved.

The scene in which I refer to may possibly be the greatest scene of all time. An underwater zombie fighting with a real live tiger shark! Crazy I know. I didn't believe it either at first but it is very true. The zombie bites a chunk out of the shark but in the end the shark wins of course. Although I wonder if the shark became a zombie after that...zombie sharks? Yikes. Now that would be a real problem.

The other great scene is the wood splinter in the eye scene. In fact all of the gore in this movie is incredibly realistic and more convincing than some horror movies today. Not to mention that no horror film today would dare create a zombie fighting with a shark scene...man I just can't get over it.

So the eye scene is pretty nuts. This movie definitely uses the slow is more painful strategy. It takes about 5 minutes for that splinter to finally puncture her eye and by the end you are just wishing it would come faster-anticipation is the worst part. The scene where the zombies are eating that very woman and one takes like a liver or something and starts eating it-whoa. Serious whoa there.

One thing that kind of irked me about this movie though is the slowness of the people's reactions to the zombies. Well-maybe it was just the women, which now that I think about it, is horribly offensive, but say a zombie was coming for the nurse woman. She would stand there and scream for 20 minutes while the zombies were still on the other side of the room. And mind you- zombies aren't exactly the fastest kids in gym class. She could have easily run away but no no she has to stand and scream. The only thing I can compare it to is in Austin Powers when the guy is screaming about steam roller coming for him and we soon see that it's incredibly far away and moving at the pace of an injured snail.

Other than that the movie definitely impressed me. The music was great the special effects were great and those pictures of all the dead people in the sheets with the gunshot wounds to the head in the mass grave? So creepy. Oh and the zombie skeletons rising from the ground and the hoard of zombies coming for them at the end. This movie really relies on the slow scare and I think it's an interesting tactic. Nothing really jumps out and no music cues us into the horror. It can drag a little but for the most part I was wildly entertained- although I'm pretty sure the shark scene just won me over entirely. And also why does that woman have to scuba dive topless? Unnecessary.

Buy Zombi 2 at Horror Movie Empire




OH and of course the zombie shark fight!