Ye Gods! Whatta Meesa Watchin'?!

Did you know it took me all of 12 years to figure out that Jar-Jar Binks wasn't saying, "Egads! What is meesa sayin?" I also thought he used to say, "Better day here than better day at the curb", because you know obviously Gungan's leave their trash out on the curb whilst in their underwater paradise. I also just realized that I have no idea what "The Phantom Menace" is referring to. What a shitty title for an even shittier movie. Oh wait, I think I get it....

Anyways!

I have been having total ADD movie watching syndrome and ADD writing syndrome. I don't feel like watching anything and then when I start writing something about something I didn't really feel like watching in the first place, I get all angry and lazy. Then I give up, take off my pants and watch The Wonder Years. Riveting life I lead.

So in an attempt to pool together all my ADD in one place, I'm going to tell you what exactly I've been watching. And then I'm going to write about them until I get lazy and take off my pants. Here goes nothing.

Interview With the Vampire

I can't even remember the last time I watched this movie. In fact, I may have ever only seen bits and pieces--most notably Kristen Dunst' demise in the well which more or less scarred me as a child and made me lament the fact that such pretty dresses were destroyed.

I guess I never knew the whole story or what it was really about and how Tom Cruise fit into it all. But now I know. Interview with the Vampire is one gigantic gay love story....and I LOVE IT!

We are often familiar with the Lesbian Vampire genre but how often is the Gay-man vampire edge swung? Probably more than you think, but because people tend to close their minds to gay undertones because it's not two hot chicks drinking each other's blood and doing it, people don't realize it. Interview With the Vampire however is very gay as evidence by the completely love sick face of Tom Cruise's Lestat. Lestat and Louis' relationship is so passionate and even everlasting as it courses throughout the ages.

Heck, they even adopt a daughter together. Of course it's probably true that Lestat may be the only gay one but one cannot ignore the implied meaning of their relationship.

As a movie, Interview with the Vampire is very long yet happens to draw you in even in its 2 hours. It's also delightfully bloody and BONUS Antonio Banderas is in it.

Our hearts go out to Claudia as she realizes she will never become a woman, and that scene in the well is still so chill inducing after all these years. Naturally Interview With the Vampire gets a giant thumbs up in my book.

Poltergeist III

I will always fondly remember Poltergeist III for keeping me far away from parking garages. Even still to this day I'm convinced that a mysterious puddle will appear out of nowhere, suck me down, spit me out into a pool or into the body of Tangina (I forget if I've ever mentioned how funny it is to me to say Tangina's name like it rhymes with vagina. But one more time won't hurt. Haha.....Tan-GINA)

and then cause me to emerge as a really mean person. Poltergeist III also keeps people's fears of mirrors alive and well.

In fact, even though it's a terrible film, Poltergeist III actually has quite a bit of trauma inducing moments if you think about it. If only it could have been handled a little bit better and if only Tom Skerritt's mustache was a little thicker---then I think we could have had a real success here

Yes, Julian Beck is dead and Nathan Beck's Kane just isn't scary enough

and yes the psychiatrist is quite possibly the worst and stupidest character to ever have been brought into existence and YES his "theory" about why things are happening and Carol Anne's manipulation makes no sense at all....but I guess I still find something of value hidden deep beneath the parking garage pool.

It's probably all because of Tom Skerritt. I should also note that I only watched 50 minutes of Poltergeist III before I got lazy and took my pants off. Not bad if I do say so myself.

Pontypool

Sometimes I feel it my duty to drop truth bombs. So here is one: Pontypool is fucking amazing. It's the smartest, best, and most unique 'zombie' film that I've ever seen and it always makes me reevaluate my brain. It also hurts my brain and keeps me up all night--not because it's terrifying but because it truly makes you think.

Not that the film isn't scary of course. It is and it creates its suspense in such a brilliant and subtle way. The majority of the disease is presented to us by hearing it through the phone or on news reports or even on messages relayed to other people. We are stuck inside the radio station throughout the duration of the film and that claustrophobic and trapped feeling never seems to leave us.

The scene where the girl repeatedly launches herself into the glass is stomach churning,

and I could listen to Mazzy's opening monologue about 30 times in one day. I remember reading somewhere that his opening monologue is what starts everything going in the first place. But now I can't remember where I read that and it makes me feel sad. But let's believe it anyways because it's the best theory we've got.

Naturally I think it goes without saying that you need to watch Pontypool if you have not already. It's the thinking man/woman's zombie movie and therefore the best kind of zombie film because it means that all those annoying people that "love" zombies will probably hate this---so EVERYBODY WINS!

Well, that's it I guess. Time to put my pants on.