Piranha: It Wasn't Supposed To Be Like This

I didn't plan on watching all of Piranha. I planned on taking a moment (perhaps 5 minutes) to laugh and ridicule the senselessness of the boobs and CGI piranhas. Maybe even setting aside an extra hour to giggle at bad acting and writing. Who knows? I was open to the vast possibilities of giggles. Then all of a sudden something weird happened. There I was rolling my eyes at a horribly CGI laden opening scene when I became pulled in by the sheer ridiculousness of everything. Boobs were everywhere, Elisabeth Shue was there, people's legs were being bitten off, topless parachuting happened---it was like having a fever induced dream after eating a gigantic plate of sandwiches and falling asleep to The Grind.


Remember the Grind?

Anyways. Fast forward to now when I just realized the credits were rolling. How was it possible that I watched the entire movie? It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to hate you! Is it possible there is some part of me that was entertained???? Alright fine you got me.

My name is Andre and I enjoyed Piranha.


So listen. While the film is stockpiled high with outrageous boobs and stupidity, it also is just a healthy dose of mindless fun. Although I don't know if it's entirely mindless really. There were a few moments of good old fashioned restraint. Well, restraint as in....a topless parachuter's half eaten body hung eerily motionless in the air and I got all inappropriately excited.

Not THAT kind of inappropriately excited....jeeez. I mean like it was beautifully done in a really tasteless, awesome way. Does that make sense? I didn't think so.

My point is that I give Piranha props for:

A. Being a movie that teenage boys can masturbate happily to.
B. Using CGI to fool people into thinking the gore would be lackluster
C. Making me extremely nervous around boat propellers
D. Elisabeth Shue

Sure, it also has a rather uncanny ability to make you feel creepy for watching it. Naked faux-lesbian moments underwater. Errant penis floating in the water. Jerry O'Connell being..... creepy. That uncomfortable moment when you realize you've just volunteered to be in a Girl's Gone Wild video. There's pretty much endless amounts of creepy. But it's all creepy and fun at the same time. Or if you're  a weird pervert, then it's TITS CITY YEAH MAN.

Anyways. I couldn't help but notice that Piranha reminds me fondly of Tremors and...........huh? Sorry I just drifted off into I love Tremors land for a solid 20 minutes. I love that movie. But I also love that feeling of feeling trapped along with the main characters. Yeah so Piranha doesn't have that solid balance of horror and comedy (it's pretty much all comedy and boobs) (plus there's no Kevin Bacon) (AND EARL) but it's still a solid entry in the animals gone wild subgenre.

Honestly, I didn't think it would be my cup of tea but I was surprised that I did come away enjoying it. The gore and carnage is kind of extreme in some ways. I mean really---that beginning segment was like a giant ball of 'are you kidding me?'

It looked like a Sy-Fy original movie--you know the kind where the special effects guy lets his five year old take control? Wait, is there any other kind of Sy-Fy movie? Then all of sudden it was like BAM incredibly gross and realistic looking piranha bites. BAM I'm gonna pull your face off when your hair gets caught in a boat propeller. Barf. I don't recommend watching this while eating ribs.

Overall. I didn't hate it. Let's all rejoice! And now I'm going to watch Tremors.