Tuesday, March 29, 2011

New Years Evil: You Figuratively Castrated Me!


Just so you know, I do plan at some point to start watching good movies again. Not that New Years Evil isn't good but....alright just kidding as far as bad movies go it's the cat's pajamas. Nevertheless a really REALLY good movie is coming in the mail tomorrow (at least everyone tells me it's really, REALLY good), so be prepared. New Years Evil..... New Years Eeeeeeevil.


(I haven't heard a Dr. Evil joke or impression in about 10 years so I decided I was safe).

An interesting bit of film that combines mass confusion with pink eyebrows


and...weirdness. There was a point about an hour and 10 minutes into this where I suddenly looked around me and actually asked GOD out loud just what the hell was going on here.


One minute I'm laughing at all the kooky punk rockers and having a jolly good sip of my tea, and the next I'm wondering how it is humanely possible to be suspended in an elevator shaft, ride 10 floors up AND down and live to tell the tale. Also, somewhere along the line somebody figuratively castrated someone and they turned into a loony. Don't worry I'll explain later. Or will I?

New Years Evil takes place on New Years Eve. During some high profile punk rock-ish show with a high profile punk rock DJ, a mysterious caller calls foreshadowing some very gruesome deaths. Deaths that will take place when every time zone in the US strikes midnight until the last one--in L.A., where our punk rock lady will die.


Unlike most generic slashers, New Years Evil does something pretty original here. It lets us get very close and form a suggestive relationship with the killer. I say suggestive because I'm about 85% sure that we are supposed to have a crush on him and then shortly after, reproduce--but one can never be sure these days. It's such a radical concept to me. Usually the killer's identity IS the big deal about a silly slasher movie. It's one of the main reasons that people stick around throughout all the boring. Here however we know who he is. We may not know how he is connected---although it's not very difficult to figure it out. We get to follow him throughout all his escapades, his costume changes and we kind of like it. Well at least I did. Although really how can you not love a guy that brings champagne to his first night on the *job.


***it wasn't technically his job because he was pretending to work there so that he could kill a skanky nurse. Which by the way--I'm beginning to think that women really got gyped in the whole sexy nurse thing. First take away our sexy nurse uniforms and little hats and THEN take away our sex appeal by making us wear ugly, frumpy scrubs? Thanks a lot. NOT! Just kidding, I'm not a nurse, nor do I condone the practicality of wearing sexy nurse uniforms in a public health setting. Where was I? Oh right right. Our killer--brings a bottle of champagne (hey it's new years!) to his first fake night on the job. One sip of champagne however quickly turns to this.
And then this.
Dude works faster than Tom Atkins! And me and Roz Kelly do not approve.


Aren't patients lives at stake here? Have some respect!

I think I appreciate this aspect of New Years Evil very much. It's not really hiding anything from us. We know very well what he is planning to do, and who he is planning to kill. He's a mysterious feller sure but honestly while thinking about this very subject, I've decided that even if we didn't find out how he was connected in the grand scheme of things--the film would still work. Heck--and I may be bold in saying this, but it might have even worked better.

The whole giving the killer a real, honest to goodness character is an increasing trend. These days it survives in things like Dexter and the Talented Mr. Ripley--but way back when, it came to be established from films like Peeping Tom and even Cat People. I love films that put us on this strange almost sympathetic level with our killer. It's intimate and a refreshing viewpoint into what was once an old and tired scenario. How much longer can I really watch a bunch of losers unsuccessfully out run a maniac? Not long. And that's why I greatly appreciate the vantage point New Years Evil takes.

Now before I get all high and mighty on New Years Evil, I should remind you all that it's not a very good movie. Like I said earlier when I was shouting out loud things to God, the whole story seems to crumble towards the end there. There's some dodgy explanation about castrating and blah blah blah you stole my manhood blah blah blah and my sons! and blah blah blah I'm gonna tie you to an elevator shaft bitch! But don't worry because you'll survive and then I'll put on a spooky mask blah blah.


Oh right SPOILER. Too late? Sure there are funny bits; silly music, violent punk music fans, drunk women, suffocation by giant bag of marijuana,


death by slash in the teat (my favorite)--


the list goes on and on. Oh and don't forget the master of disguise himself....


Isn't it lovely? The best part is, he really does not need to put so much effort in. These people do not know him and call me crazy but the mustache does nothing to make you seem more powerful mister. Oh wait, I think what I meant to say is that the mustache is EVERYTHING. Sorry for the confusion (We don't need to bring up what happened to the Brawny man do we?).

I like the overall concept of New Years Evil, a death in every time zone? Neat! Only, our killer kind of messes up at one point and the mountain time zone gets shafted, but that one doesn't count anyways. Sure, things get muddled, things can be boring but I still believe there's at least a little bit of merit still thriving in New Years Evil. But seriously, what was up with that kid?


He's popping pills, putting stockings on his head,


licking his dad's ear?


Yeah I guess that's okay....

5 comments:

Mr. Johnny Sandman said...

I couldn't stand this movie. I was so bored by it.

Thomas Dukenfield said...

Nurses in exploitation movies only exist to have sex with people. I think it may be because the screenwriter is too lazy or dumb to write a scene featuring legitimate medical lingo, so the nurses are forced to heal through sex.

In my head, this movie was always about a guy who traveled across country, from the east coast to L.A., killing people in each time zone and then quickly getting to the next time zone with some sort of super jet pack. I mentioned this in my review, and someone corrected me, saying that he thought all of the murders took place in L.A.. However, I refused to believe the truth, preferring the version in my head, which I find superior. It's fun to imagine how someone would try to commit a cross country killing spree that both ends and begins at midnight on New Year's Eve. Or maybe it's headache inducing. Who can say.

Also, Roz Kelly's hair and makeup stylings sent a new wave laser blast directly into my crotch, ricocheting through my nervous system and out my eyeballs, creating a Cyndi Lauper light show right in front of me. Say what you want about NEW YEAR'S EVIL, but a viewing of the film ended with a concert in my living room, where pure light and energy performed "Goonies r Good Enough". Few other movies, if any, have that effect. Of course, your mileage may vary.

Andre said...

Ahahah that is awesome Thomas. That reminds me of something I would erroneously believe for all of my life...no examples right now but I know it's happened before.

Anonymous said...

Tom Atkinson!?! Did you mean Tom Atkins? If so Andre... it might be time to start watching better movies, as all the garbage has effected the horror rememberance part of your brain! :)

Chris

Andre said...

Oh no! You're right, I work with someone named Tom Atkinson. How embarrassing! I hope he doesn't read this.........