Tourist Trap: This Is NOT Happening!!!!!!!!!!

Well, the rumors are true. Netflix and I have made up. I know some of you think less of me for going back to a movie supplier that continues to disappoint me, but the good outweighs the bad right? Tourist Trap arrived safe and sound today and I was eager to finally cozy up to it. And then....something funny happened. I suddenly realized that Tourist Trap was possibly a little too creepy for comfort. Creepy is good yes, but in some cases, like when you watch The Exorcist at age seven while hiding behind a couch at your older sister's sleepover, the creepy is too much to handle and before you know it you're staying up until 5 in the morning because you think that a moth flew into your eyeball and is going to possesses you. Not that I speak from experience or anything like that....

Here's the thing about mannequins and me. I don't like them. I used to have these evil nightmares/evil fantasies about the mannequins in malls coming to life and eating me. (And no I'm not talking about the movie, Mannequin. I saw that after I had these fantasies which means that somebody no names mentioned (GOD) was trying to tell me something.) I was positive that there was a demon in there somewhere. PLUS no matter where you stand in said mall, the mannequin is always looking at you and that is not okay. I also once had a dream where I was smushed into a weird magic carpet ride thing in a car wash and this mannequin was teaching things at a blackboard. She smelled of musk.

Suffice to say---mannequins creep me out. Which is too bad because Tourist Trap is all about the mannequins. And let me tell you, they are fucking creepy. I'm still struggling though with figuring out whether these mannequins are creepy for everyone or just for people like me that have a particular aversion to them. Let's discuss.

The film follows a group of friends who after mysterious car trouble, end up at Mr. Slausen's "museum" which is really just a bunch of mannequins and racist Indian artifacts. The mannequins there seem kind of funny. They seem real and sometimes talk. Also a strange man wearing weird mannequin masks

(Didn't know that was a real thing) has telekinesis and kills people by turning them into mannequins. Did I mention there are mannequins everywhere?

Hopefully, most people will find at least some of the mannequin scenes off putting. I did chuckle though when one of the characters commented on how realistic the mannequins looked. Newsflash: they look like really shitty mannequins. But anyways, the really great thing about the mannequins is that sometimes they do this weird singing, laughing thing and it's one of the creepiest and oddly unique things I've ever seen. They also drop their jaws at various points and do this horrid scream.

Sure, most of my fear and terror brought me back to past nightmares and bad mannequin experiences but that scene where all the mannequins are laughing, singing and falling??? I know I can't be the only one to pee my pants a little.

One especially refreshing thing to see in this is that it doesn't follow the typical Slasher model of people being picked off one by one. We may THINK that's what happening and then two of the characters are simply alive and chained in the basement. They also escape at one point and come extremely close to getting away for good. I admit, I had fleeting thoughts of a safe and sound escape, but of course like most of my fleeting thoughts (inappropriate or not) they fizzled almost as soon as they began.

The scene that I would like to share with you however contains one of the most brilliant usages of the feeling of suffocation and terror. Some random girl is chained to a table in the basement and our killer begins spreading plaster over her face. I use the term "plaster" loosely here as the plaster is obviously pizza dough.

While the killer is doing this however, he begins explaining in a step by step process what the girl is going through, how she is feeling and how she will die. It was surprisingly well done and it definitely freaked me out. I once saw a Rescue 911 where a girl put plaster on her chest without putting oil or whatever on first and soon it began tightening around her and she almost died. Ever since then, I've stayed far, far away from plaster.

Seriously though, this scene? A+ It uses zero gore, zero suspense really, and yet it still got to me. Seeing the girl heave helplessly on the table with her face covered in plaster is something I will not be forgetting easily.

Of course, Tourist Trap isn't all sandwiches in the sun. Everyone dies except our final girl when there are still 30 minutes left. This made for 30 long minutes of chases, crying and pulling your hair out and screaming like this.

I didn't mind it so much as I found Molly to be a semi-likeable final girl--although I admit I liked Becky a little bit more. There's also a lot of fuzziness going on. The whole telekinesis thing is kind of just there without any real explanation or attention. You can see the identity of the killer coming from a mile away and once he's out and about, he suddenly gets really annoying. Plus he can be in two places at once all the fucking time. Not fair. These are of course minor limitations. A movie like Tourist Trap shouldn't really be dissected so easily. The real power of the film lies in its ability to create some honest to goodness fear in its viewers. There's just something so nightmarish about being trapped in a house full of mannequins and Tourist Trap exploits the shit out of that.

Overall Tourist Trap got to me. There were too many mannequins for me to really feel comfortable about myself and my surroundings. I'm probably going to have mannequin dreams tonight and it's going to be horrible. But isn't that what we long for in a great horror film? So maybe you won't all have mannequin nightmares after seeing this, but I bet that most of you will never be able to look at a mannequin the same ever again and that makes all the difference.

Also, you should know that I have a lot of hopes and dreams for myself. At the very, very top of that list however is the simple dream to drive down the coast with my mannequin friends in the backseat. We'll smell the sea breeze and we'll laugh. And life will be good.

Make it happen, Santa.

Basket Case: Terrible, Horrible and Amazing

Basket Case is another one of those movies that I had the complete wrong idea about. Like Monkey Shines and Dead Alive, I would also have to blame the cover art here.

I always thought that the creature inside the basket was some kind of Sloth-like mutant. A kind of short, maybe dwarf like abomination that for one reason or another lived inside a basket....and ate people. It's not like the actual look of the thing inside the basket has to exactly match what is shown to us but still---false advertising!

Actually, you know what he looks like? Mrs. Doubtfire's mask when she's (he's) not wearing it..!

I really had no clue though that Basket Case was about separated siamese twins. Actually, I had no clue about anything happening in Basket Case at all. Funny? Bloody? Ridiculous? All of the above---and all this time I thought it was just about some monster stuck in a basket.

As I said up there, Basket Case follows Dwayne and his deformed brother that lives in a basket. When he was younger, the Dwayne was separated from his Siamese twin, who was a giant ball of flesh and a head with teeth. Now the two seek vengeance against the doctor's that separated them and left the abnormality to die. But can Dwayne control his brother's need to rip apart anything that comes between them?

Perhaps the most surprising aspect of Basket Case is that it is horribly done-- and I mean that as a compliment believe it or not. The acting is hilariously bad, as are the wigs--

and the claymation sequences involving the head blob are pee your pants outrageous. I tweeted during watching the film that I couldn't decide if Basket Case was being serious or not, to which every one replied definitely NOT. Personally however, I can't help but feel like some of it had to be serious. They had to have thought they were making a truly scary film right? Maybe just a little? The thing about Basket Case is that I think the movie is funnier if you pretend that they were being serious.

Alright, alright I know they weren't being serious. But I just want to pretend that they were ok? OK?!

If I had to pick a part about Basket Case that I loved, it would be very, very difficult. This is because almost all of it was priceless entertainment. The kind of entertainment that only a badly placed wig, and a dream about running naked through the streets of New York can supply. Where do I begin? How about, I cannot for the life of me figure out how that abnormal blob of a person (?) moved around. When he was amputated you can very clearly see he has no legs.

How does this work...!? This to me is the best part---that the bad twin can just slide around like he has wheels attached. It makes absolutely no sense but it's not supposed to! That's the beauty of Basket Case, everything is ridiculous and we like it that way.

Take for instance the final scene where the blob somehow maybe rapes a woman. Was that what he was doing? Touching some boobies and maybe getting frisky? We don't know! All we know is that there is a lot of blood by her vagina. Does the blob head have a penis? Doubt it. Seriously, what was going on??

I mean there is a plethora of questions going on that don't matter in the slightest but are too hilarious to ignore. My favorite is trying to figure out why the blob head (did he have a real name? I forget...) suddenly got a case of the Zoltar's.

You know...a random case of red glowing eyes?

It was so strange. Is he the devil? Does he need eye drops? Do his eyes glow before he is about to kill. God, I have so many questions! So many!

Now, aside from all this hilarity, I do have to say that the blood and gore in Basket Case is kind of exceptional.

Well, hilarious---but still bloody and fun. I especially loved the Veterinarian's death scene. Although I still can't figure out how having her shoved in a drawer of scalpels turns out such precise results but oh well.

Basket Case isn't a movie to get uppity about. Sure it's awful but it's one of those special awful movies that is secretly good. Good because it's hilarious and because much to my disappointment, it does not take itself very seriously. Don't expect to be wowed by Basket Case. It looks terrible, it's poorly acted and the writing is laugh out loud horrible. The first time you see what the "monster" really looks like you will choke on your apple juice and spit it at your cat. Not that I would know or anything...

Yes, Basket Case you are a bad, bad film but you stole my heart. You remind me yet again that New York was once a very scary place to be and that yes it is possible to have a head with hands growing out of your side.

You give me hope that one day I will get drunk with a prostitute and she will bring me home and not try to rape me.

You keep my faith invested in the power of spur of the moment surgery performed in someone's dining room. And of course, you remind me that it's okay to lock my sibling in a basket, and carry it around with me every where I go.

Bless you.

The Funhouse: Not As Much Fun As You Would Think.

It's Final Girl Film Club day! I watched and reviewed this month's selection The Funhouse a while back, and was sadly a bit disappointed. While I got a lot of hate mail soon after, I still stand by my initial criticisms. Perhaps in another time and another place The Funhouse and I would have got along better. For now enjoy this reposting and be thankful you aren't trapped in a funhouse with a fat Geisha lady that has nothing better to do than laugh at you.

I had a nightmare once where I was trapped in some kind of car wash in a floating car (you know how these "dream" things work right?) and there was this animatronic doll puppet thing with a face like...like that friggen witch puppet from Mr. Rogers Neighborhood!

And she was teaching a class at the chalkboard and I can still remember what it smelled like...some kind of musk, or incense-like smell predominately found in some sort of Indian boutique OR Hippie store. What does all this mean? Animatronic doll things are scary. And yes in most cases this means that Disney World is at times a very scary place to be.

....But I still love it.

As luck would have it, while sitting through the opening credits of The Funhouse, I started cowering under the bed sheets due to all the nice shots of the animatronic puppet dolls that reside in the funhouse.

I figured I was right on track to enjoy an hour and 30 minutes of good old creepy fun. Unfortunately I had to wait about an hour into the film to get a solid dose of anything particularly creepy. And even then I found myself sadly yawning on more than one occasion. The imagery of the things inside the funhouse are fantastic. But the pacing, and the story--could have been better. And less borrrrrrrrrrring.

The story goes like this; a group of real rabble rousers who smoke pot decide that it would be a real gas to spend the night in a carnival funhouse. Whoever thinks it's fun to spend the night with evil dolls, and the leftover smell of dry ice--is no friend of mine. Anyways. In the middle of getting to second base, the group witnesses a monstrous act, a murder. They are filled with panic and in their attempt to escape from the funhouse, run into more trouble than they bargained for.

I guess I was hoping that the story would somehow involve the reanimation of the creepy dolls in the funhouse. Wouldn't that be freaking sweet? It's like Waxwork but better and creepier. I guess it just really bothered me that the only thing keeping them there was the presence of real people and further more, the result of an accident. I also found that they spent a little too much time at the carnival before deciding that they would want to spend the night in the funhouse. We literally went to every single attraction along with them, and it took about an hour. What is that? I understand that the animal freak show and the mutated fetus thing in the jar are important for the story's sake. But do we really need to see the magician (how did he do that trick anyways?)

and the peep show?

That reminds me. This movie is really horny. From the start, when the little brother plays his great prank on his sister while she's in the shower- we realize that there's a lot of boobs. And by the way I don't know what kind of show that little kid is running, but he was staring at his sisters soapy and wet teats a little too long if you ask me. What a perv. Then there's the peepshow, the romp in the funhouse with more boobs, the prostitution of the gross fortune teller, giving an HJ to the mutant and him not being able to hold on for long. And there's also a weird, drooling kind of rape scene...

Oh and also--did anyone else think the main girl was about 12 years old at the very beginning? She comes into the bathroom and then you realize that she's going to shower and suddenly you get really worried that this is going to turn into a kiddie porn or something revolting. And then she takes off her robe, to unveil some pretty massive (and saggy) teats which then of course makes you realize, oh she's probably not 12 she just LOOKS 12. But seriously. I had a mini heart attack there for a bit.

And while I did typically enjoy a lot of the imagery, especially parts where the dolls started up again during spurts of electricity problems and became either part of a murder weapon, or were used to dispose or transport dead bodies.

Excellent touch! Other than I didn't really love this as much as I thought I would. There were a lot of random things that weren't explained very well. Dramatic "I'm so horrified at something" faces with an unclear reason for the face in the first place for instance, or how the little brother seems like he's going to have a major role in possibly saving his sister or at the very least becoming a victim, but then he just gets saved and chauffeured off! So much for that interesting plot development. And while I do think it's interesting how the mutant son becomes the real attraction/scary thing/monster --I just think he was really really REALLY lame. Those strangled cat noises he was making at the end? Meh.

I guess the main gripe here is that it takes far too long for anything to happen. With nothing interesting happening beforehand. Which some would refer to as a "slow burn", but I'm thinking this is just an example of a bad storyline. Even when the supposedly good stuff does happen it's not all that interesting either. Yes my mind will be scarred for life with images of that fat Geisha lady on top of the funhouse laughing,

but I'm mainly just going to be annoyed at how boring most of it was. I was hoping for some full on creepiness and excitement but it ended up just being bland with a side of boring. Rumor has it my good friend Eli Roth expressed interest in remaking this. While I don't think he is the right man for the job I do think this movie could benefit from some help. Particularly help from me who knows exactly why those animatronic things are scary, and how they can be scarier. Just kidding I don't know anything. But I would like to see those elements play a bigger role in the evilness of the funhouse. Fuck those carnies just being lousy at holding in their emotions. I don't want to see a movie about the misfit child acting out again, I want some damn creepy puppet dolls damnit.

Did anyone else think the over sized Frankenstein's monster mask, was more frightening than what was underneath?....I guess it's probably just me.

House (1977): Clearly the Best Thing That Will Ever Happen to You

There was once a time in my life when I thought nothing was better than eating a delicious sandwich. After watching House or Hausu as some like to call it (i.e. Japanese people) I have since amended that statement. The statement now reads: There is nothing better than eating a delicious sandwich while watching House. Actually that's a lie, there is simply nothing better than House. Nothing. Not even my cat. Or potato chips. Let's put it this way, if I was stranded on a island and could only bring three things with me, I would pick House, House and House.

House is what is referred to as an experimental horror/comedy film from the crazy mind of Nobuhiko Obayashi. It centers around a young girl named Gorgeous and her 6 friends, Fantasy, Sweet, Mac, Kung Fu, Melody and Prof, who go to stay with Gorgeous' Aunt.

One by one the girls go missing and....stuff happens. There is a cat with green eyes

and....stuff happens. Crazy stuff. Stuff you wouldn't believe even if I showed you.

Since this is one of those experimental movies you shouldn't be surprised to find out that this movie is bat shit crazy. We're talking, things you have never seen in your entire existence. Things you could never even dream up because it's all too surrealistically bizarre and impossibly kooky. The film is very 70s in its appeal yet it's extremely watchable throughout every decade that passes it by. Crazy colors explode on the screen, large heads appear in rooms, skeletons dance, pianos eat people, cat blood spews out of paintings, bananas eat people, weird Japanese men eat noodles, old ladies walk through refrigerators and dance on rafters, mattresses attack girls, clothes come off with a gentle breeze, logs start fights with people---have you heard enough? Of course not.

There have been very few instances in my horror movie watching career where the movie that I am watching causes a gigantic smile to appear upon my face. House is one of those instances. I cannot even begin to describe how gleeful I became for example when a watermelon turned into a girls head and then began biting another girl on the butt. Things like that just happen in House. These images, these scenes, they just happen and we can do little but take them in and stare wide eyed in wonder and awe. You should also be warned that House causes spontaneous and really quick bursts of laughter. I lost count of the number of times something ridiculous happened (read: awesome) which would then force me to go HA! It was like a reflex.

The best thing perhaps about House is that it knows it is being ridiculous. It's not one of those kooky Japanese flicks where the translation seems a little off and Japanese people make funny expressions that aren't suppose to be funny. This is suppose to be funny and the sooner you realize that, the sooner its genius will affect you. You should also realize that it's fucking weird, which you should have already picked up on by my list of things that happen. Is it art? Yeah maybe I guess. But to me it seems more like a creative mind blowing explosion of awesome. It seems like the product of dropping acid while wearing Moon Shoes and bouncing around in a a funhouse. There is no explanation for how this film was ever conceived and I refuse to believe one if you tell me.

It's mind numbingly awesome, hilarious and even at times--a little bit creepy. Well, maybe a lot bit creepy in certain places. The entire film feels like an episode of Sesame Street derived from a nightmare. There is a single melody that plays repeatedly, a sick, sweet tinkling of the piano keys. This melody will come to represent a strange hybrid of terror, happiness and annoyance.

Just note that if anyone has something negative to say about House, I will never speak to you again. Just kidding, I love differing opinions! But in all seriousness, our friendship will be greatly wounded. House is being specially re-released on DVD and Bluray on October 26th, I suggest you buy it immediately. For BOSTON peeps don't forget House is being screened at the Coolidge Corner Theater on Halloween during their Horror Marathon.

If for some unexplained reason you remain unconvinced of its eternal greatness, here are some screen shots to change that. I promise that you have never seen a Japanese ghost story quite like this. Or even just any ghost story. OR actually....you have never really seen a movie like this ever. Yeah. That's right.

Bad Ronald: I Smell Opportunity

For almost as long as I've started this blog, I have heard two words whispered softly in the wind. The whispers, gentle and peaceful pass by my ear with the grace of a swan. They say---"Bad Ronald". Ahh Bad Ronald. What are you? Thanks to the decline of humans everywhere, the first thing that always came to mind was that asshole Ronald Mcdonald.

Whose genius idea was it to make the mascot of Mcdonald's a scary clown? Don't they know that out of all the things in the world children fear clowns the most? As it turns out, most of the people who grew up in the 70s had a very different association with the name Ronald and this TV movie was the cause of it.

Based on the book of the same name by Jack Vance, Bad Ronald is about well--Ronald and he's baaaad. Well, kind of. Awkward, and strange Ronald lives with his over protective mother and is one day denied the love of his crush. On his way home he encounters the girl's sister who taunts him, causing Ronald to push her. The girl lands on a cement block, killing her instantly. Fearing the consequences, Ronald buries the girl and rushes home to tell his mother what has happened. His mother fears that this incident will jeopardize Ronald's future career as a doctor and sets to work on keeping Ronald out of harm's way. They create a lair for Ronald inside the house, by sealing off a door and wall papering over it. Ronald must live in this space until things settle down and the police stop looking for him. One day Ronald's mother dies unexpectedly while getting surgery done and a new family moves in. Ronald trapped within the house's walls begins declining mentally as he slowly starts believing that his artwork depicts a very real scenario. The new family starts to recognize missing food and hear strange noises but they have no idea what is living inside their walls.

That's probably the longest synopsis I've done in a while but I can't help myself. The story is really too good to be true. I never knew that thousands of people had been plagued by nightmares of having a Ronald trapped within their walls. What an ingenious scenario! This gives an entirely new perspective on the hearing noises in your house situation. Thank GOD I did not see this when I was little. Once after watching The Exorcist for the first time, I stayed up all night with the lights on in fear that the devil would possess me. It is then very possible that if I had seen Bad Ronald I would have stay huddled on my bed, clutching a knife and ready to stab at the first sign of a bursting wall. I probably also would have checked every inch of the wall for peep holes. Jesus, I had a hard enough time trying to force the thought that my Batman (Forever) (Don't judge me) poster had a real persons eyes behind it from my head without the possibility of a full on person living in my walls. That shit is insane!

Through all the amazing-ness of the story line, one cannot ignore the several flaws of Bad Ronald. Being that it is a TV movie from the 70s, there are of course the usual annoyances with bad acting, poor writing and just overall messiness. Those I don't mind so much. What gets me is that I never really saw a clear switch from regular Ronald to psycho- Dungeons and Dragons Ronald. When did that happen? I seriously felt like I had hit the wrong button and somehow missed a vital segment of the movie. Most descriptions make a big deal out of Ronald's fantasy world with the princess and what not, but from my perspective--Ronald burst out of the wall and just started calling Babs the princess. How on earth was I suppose to figure out that those drawings told a mystical story that Ronald was living out in his own mind?

I also never got a clear sense of what made Ronald so weird. He didn't even seem that awkward to me. It's possible, and this is just a thought--that currently from today's eyes Ronald just represents something cool and hip. If this movie was made today I wouldn't be surprised if the role of Ronald was played by Michael Cera himself. But honestly, what was the hubbub about Ronald? Again, it is a TV movie and there are limitations. If this was one day destined for remake status I wouldn't be surprised if they embellished Ronald's character a bit more. Yes he's a mama's boy, but what really sets him apart from his peers? I must know! And not just that but the above problem that I addressed can also be solved by giving Ronald more depth. Why do we never see him falling apart over the death of his mother? We need to see his change happen gradually instead of all at once. The wonderful story is there it just needs to be tweaked.

Clearly Bad Ronald is not winning any Oscars, but it is one of those films that continues to be talked about because of the memories it stirs up. I am both relieved and saddened that I missed this growing up. That doesn't however prevent me from realizing that it is some truly creative and creepy stuff. Lately I've been on a rare DVD/VHS kick. I keep hearing about films and made for TV movies that people have been traumatized by in their youth. Since many of these are not yet released on DVD I have a hard time making my dreams of catching up come true. Luckily Bad Ronald is available for purchase and like many of the others rarities I've seen lately, it can even be watched on YouTube.

Poor, poor Ronald. It's almost like a inverted Tell-Tale Heart concept except I still need Ronald to feel more guilt and turmoil. It really seems like he's enjoying himself in there and that can't be right. I almost ran over an old man a week ago and I've been plagued by guilt ever since. Is Ronald really that far removed and "weird" that his guilt can never be brought to the table? If his drawings and his fantasy world are a way to suppress his guilt, why do we not get a clearer idea or even an inkling that it exists until Ronald reveals himself? I know, I know it's a made for TV movie from the 70s cut it some slack. It's just that I see a lot of potential in Bad Ronald and I'm feeling the need to rescue it and make it better. I'll just stick it up in my head with my Salem's Lot reboot concept. Sigh.

Still though. Bad Ronald is pretty bitching.

Also, do you think Patrick Dempsey's character from Can't Buy Me Love was modeled after Ronald. His character's name was also Ronald.

I think so.

Curtains: La La La Curtains

I wasn't lying the other day when I said I always thought Curtains was about window treatments. The truth is I could never remember hearing too much about it--just in passing or quick glimpses of some wretched looking woman wielding a sickle. That was all I needed to get interested however as that scary old woman intrigued me far more than anything else I had been yearning to see. I knew I had made the right decision as soon as the movie began and Samantha Eggar stood on a dimly lit stage delivering a monologue that was so brilliantly cheesy and divine at the same time that I couldn't help but smile.
I suppose when a horror movie caters to something you enjoy you tend to love it more. Personally I used to love acting and I still love British accents. Win and win.

The plot is as follows, director Jonathan Stryker is casting the role of Audra in his new film. Samantha Sherwood, a shoe in for the role (and Stryker's something something on the side) has herself committed to a mental institution to do some true character development. Once she finds out that Stryker is holding a casting at his mansion with six other girls, she escapes in order to exact her revenge.

By the by--I believe a few days ago when talking about The Prowler I pointed out that I wasn't the biggest fan of Slasher movies. Curtains is a Slasher and yet I found myself enjoying it. Why? Because I love catty woman in the 80s who lust after the shapely body of John Vernon.

It's like a more tasteful version of Showgirls except with murder! Sure every now and then things move a little slowly but at least what happens in between is entertaining. Plus, the entire premise is just interesting to me. It's not just some killer stalking people and killing them, it's some unstable jealous woman who really wants a part in a movie. YES!

In all actuality nothing beats a really creepy mask and a really creepy doll.

It's pretty much the most fool proof way to achieve greatness. Not only was that doll creepy (as most dolls are by default) but this doll's size paired with her strange ability to grab people was most exquisite. You know what really made me appreciate it was that it brought back the idea of a killer's calling card, which I find to be slightly absent nowadays.

I was probably most impressed however by the length of some of the kills. The ice skating scene of course for one but also towards the end when Tara is being chased in the backstage prop shed. What a great place to build suspense! It was drawn out, but it was pretty damn nerve wracking the entire time. There's that whole horror movie cliche of a room filled with things that could be the murderer. You know like in I Know What You Did Last Summer when there are all those mannequins under the plastic or even in Jeepers Creepers where there are scarecrows. Just because these are cliches doesn't mean they aren't effective. Beat on the mirror cliche all you want but it scares me to death just about every time. Similarly this cliche is used extremely effectively. Whoever decided the proper way to hang mannequins would be by their necks is both a lunatic and a genius. That was some messed up stuff and I loved every minute of it.

And then of course, few things are better in life than Samantha Eggar playing our leading crazy lady. Is it wrong I just want to listen to her voice lull me to sleep every night? Those British accents are really tricky. I can never tell if a British person is a good actor or if I just really love their accents. Those tricky bastards! I'm pretty Samantha Eggar is fabulous and we'll just leave it at that.

Now to mention a few point of greatness. Yes, Curtains inspires greatness because it isn't afraid to take a really long time to build something up. Whether it be....ice skating in the cold winter air,

or doing a really awkward warm up dance for 10 minutes.

Curtains is there when we need it and never hides from its true self. It also addresses the age old problem of figuring out what to do with a severed head. Lately we are finding more and more heads turning up in toilet bowls and I must say it really makes perfect sense.

And finally Curtains is just all around my cup of tea. It's cheesy, it's hilarious (although maybe not intentionally), it's a little scary and it's a lot entertaining. Well, entertaining for me and anyone else who gauges entertainment by the number of awkward faces and haircuts present in the film. Well look, I know it may not be the best movie out there, please... that title is reserved for Pee Wee's Big Adventure, but Curtains may slowly but surely be entering my favorite horror movies shelf. Of which there is no actual shelf--just a pretend one I keep stored in my head. The only problem with Curtains is that it is not released on DVD. This breaks my heart, but if you are feeling adventurous you can watch it on YouTube I guess.