Sunday, February 20, 2011

Friday the 13th Part III: You Stink


Friday the 13th Part III is not a very good movie. It's not like I expect any of the F13's to be cinematic masterpieces, but somehow Part 3 falls way below my threshold for bad movies. I've been doing some thinking and I'm pretty sure it's because Jason's new clothes hold him back from being very scary. Sometimes he looks like he's trying really hard not to rip his brand new button up and that just ain't right.

Part three picks up immediately after the events of part two. In case you forgot what happened at the end of the 2nd film, don't worry. We get to live through it all again! Since F13 does this, I am pleased to announce the first five minutes of any F13 movie (except the first) can be used to read a book or pet my cat. Woohoo! So yeah, blah blah stuff happened. Now Jason has taken refuge in a nearby lake house abode, inhabited by some rowdy kids who want to have sex and smoke pot.

Jason is apparently "nursing" his wounds in the barn but the real question remains--when did he find the time to get a hair cut?



Plus he grew again! How strange. Actually, I have many questions surrounding the events of Part three but this is really the one that will keep me up at night. I keep envisioning Jason worrying that the police will identify him because of his hair so he does what any normal person would do and shaves it. Of course the real problem is that his only true identifying feature is his grotesque and deformed face which oddly enough he does nothing about. He's so interesting that Jason!

The gang of rowdy kids in this installment is unusual too. There's a fat, ugly guy named Shelly who somehow gets hooked up with a wildly attractive woman.



There's a pair of stoners that I completely forgot existed until halfway through the movie. Then there's also this gang of bikers who have a short temper.



One may ask--what is that trio doing around the area known as Camp Crystal Lake? They don't seem like the outdoors type. Yes, Friday the 13th is full of unusual questions and scenarios. So much so, that I can't even concentrate on writing a real review unless I talk about them.

---How exactly does one survive an attack by Jason and still live? Technically, Jason follows the rule of perusing someone until they are dead. Why didn't he follow Chris back to her parents house and then kill them all?

---If you need proof that Jason is a serial killer, look no further than the simple fact that he kills animals. That's the number one warning sign according to everyone that has ever talked about serial killers. Those poor bunnies, did they really deserve that?

---Why is the fact that ugly fat guy Shelly and hot woman return from the store with a damaged VW bug never discussed? Unless I missed it--there was no discussion of what happened to them or Rick's car. I would be a little peeved if someone borrowed my car, only to get in a tiff with the only biker gang in a 100 mile radius and have them break all the windows. Instead, Rick is more concerned about not having charged the battery enough.

---Is being allergic to pot a real thing?

---What exactly is going on with Ali? The first time Jason got him he just started hacking away at something. Then at the end, Chris is "rescued" by Ali who jumps up apparently undisturbed until Jason hacks off his arm and then hacks away at the rest of him.



So if nothing was hacked away the first time, what the hell was Jason hacking away at?! I'm so confused!

---STOP FALLING ASLEEP IN CANOES. This is never a good thing, especially since one who falls asleep in canoes is prone to hallucinating once they wake up.

--- Mrs. Voorhees? Really?



This little added snippet at the end was an insult to just about everyone in the world. I find it very hard to believe that the wandering body of Mrs. Voorhees, found her head that was safely resting in Jason's love shack, sewed it back onto her head and then picked her sweater off the floor of the love shack and put it back on. Then she what, went for a dip in the lake so she could have her chance at thrills again? No sense! No sense! It's insulting because, Chris has no idea who Mrs. Voorhees is and we know that that is really not possible. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

So as you can see, I was pretty much annoyed throughout the better part of part three. Again, I don't expect brilliance from any of the F13 films, but at least Part two was actually entertaining (mostly because a guy in a wheelchair was killed and rolled down the stairs). Part three is awful. The acting and the writing are about 20 points lower than most awful movies and to top it all off, it is one of the most boring films I've ever experienced.

There are about 100 fake outs that are responsible for more jolting than the actual kills and that to me is a problem. I don't care if fat guy Shelly is a prankster, nor do I care about Rick and Chris' "past" and I definitely don't care about how you have sex in a hammock.

Lucky for part three, the kills are pretty entertaining. Especially that time Andy was walking on his hands and got "split"



and that other time sexy woman got a spear gun in her eye.



Nice shout out to Tom Savini in Fangoria that the hammock woman reads--



and big ups to Crazy Ralph who is hopefully still resting in peace. Lucky for these kids, there is still another crazy vagrant ready to warn people about their upcoming dangers. This man however is nowhere near as smart and old hollywood as Ralph. He doesn't ride a bike, and he sleeps in the middle of the road. He also has a random eyeball that he likes to hold. It's kind of weird.

Yeah bad moves Part three, I don't like you! I did sort of like when Jason was in the window--


but I mean....too little too late I'm afraid.



18 comments:

Anonymous said...

boo. Scary movie!

The Mike said...

This made me laugh a lot. I've always kind of liked this one in a "oh my god it's so terrible, but this franchise is a pile of dung and this one's at least stupid terrible and not inept terrible" kind of way.

The "according to everyone who's ever talked about serial killers" bit made me laugh out loud.

Is this the one with Banana girl? Because really, you haven't lived until you've seen Banana Girl. (If you know not the answer, then I think it's part 4. I can't keep this Jason crap straight.)

Andre said...

Thanks TH! I know of Banana Girl from Stacie, but she was not in this. I would have talked about her obvs!!

Chris McMillan said...

You obviously didn't see it back in the 80s. It was the best of that decade's 3D revival, much better than Jaws 3D. Not a great movie, but a lot more fun in 3D then it should be. And the effects looked great on the big screen.

*sigh*

Yep, I'm an old horror fogey.

Andre said...

See, I didn't even realize it was supposed to be in 3D! But hey, I did say the effects and kills were awesome, and as is customary that is usually the most important part. I prefer more though and the rest of this does not equal cinematic love fest for me!

matango said...

Yeah, that's why the titles shoot out at you more than regularly.

What, you didn't like the high-waisted jeans? What about the best theme song ever (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODm01T3zY-w)!

Bryce Wilson said...

Oh this is a bad movie. But I think it's a bad movie in all the right ways to make it completely entertaining for me.

The theme song, the gore shots, the wah waah waaaah comic relief. And let's not forget that first couple killed. I think that's the one time that a Jason murder can qualify as a mercy killing.

Though Andre I'm worried about what's going to happen to you when you make it to Part 5. If you don't prepare by taking some blood pressure medication or something you might have an aneurysm

Dorian Gray said...

Yeah, this one is pretty bad and it includes a lot of WTF moments, which you touched on. But what about the goofy, out of place discofied theme song? I remember seeing this installment for the first time and going, "Whaaaat?!" when I heard it.

I have the Friday the 13th box set that came out a few years ago, and there's actually a cast commentary for part 3 w/the actors who played Chris, Rick and Shelly. It's pretty entertaining and it makes the movie less of a chore to sit through--at least for me anyway.

If you get the chance, (if you haven't already) visit Hysteria Lives! to get Justin Kerswell's take on this cinematic masterpiece. He has a lot of fun--at Dana Kimmel's expense--with the character Chris in his review.

Andre said...

Ah yes, I do realize the obviousness of the 3D aspect now.

Bryce, I don't know what's wrong with me. I usually love good bad movies but for some reason this just seemed all bad, I didn't even crack a smile once! Maybe it's my deep loathing for F13 in general that prevents me from fully embracing it, who knows.

Maynard Morrissey said...

you really think so? I think it's the most entertaining of the whole series

Andre said...

I'm not a fan of F13 Maynard, but I did find much more entertainment value in part two. Something just felt off with this, too much in-cohesiveness, horrible acting and writing--it just left me feeling very bored. Or maybe I was extremely tired, who knows?!

matango said...

I think this one, well all of them except maybe the first two, are impossible to enjoy except tongue-in-cheek.

"in-cohesiveness" ?

Andre said...

Making up words is something I'm allowed to do on my blog thank you very much.

matango said...

You missed a chance to embiggen your cromulence, Andre. I wasn't sure it wasn't a word

Andre said...

Haha! Yeah according to spellcheck it is not. But a hyphen makes any non word a word so yeah never mind it is a word!

Anonymous said...

BOOOOO
F13 III is awesome and very funny

Anonymous said...

I thought Part 3 was just as entertaining as the first two films, the deaths are great and there are endless so-bad-it's-good moments. Also, to answer one of your questions, they do mention what happened to the car when they drive back to camp, they explain how they were approached by a gang and Shelly saved the day. Though admittedly they could probably have made a bigger deal out of it.

Anonymous said...

One other thing as well - as far as I recall, at least one person survived in each of the first three F13 films, so it's perfectly possible that Chris could've survived the previous attack from Jason :P.