Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I Know What You Did Last Summer: And I Don't Really Care.

For some reason I've never really enjoyed this film that many relate so easily to Scream. Personally I think it's worlds different and Jennifer Love Hewitt is about 30 times more annoying than Neve Campbell. Her boobs may be the most distracting thing I've ever seen and her bangs only make me hate her more. I don't think it's anywhere near as iconic as Scream in terms of 90's slasher movies but it does have some OK scares.

4 friends accidentally hit a man after some fun partying on a beach. A year goes by, the kids set off to college and they start getting strange letters that say "I know what you did last summer". The friends return to their hometown where they come face to face with the person who knows their dark and obnoxious past.

I think what always puts me off from this movie is that I can never remember or understand who the killer is or why he decides to do it, and who Billy Blue or whatever is. I know it's probably easy to figure it out but it always takes me another watching or reading of the summary to remember. The killer just doesn't appeal to me in this. He's just a tall fisherman with a hook ripped off from the Candyman. I appreciate that he likes to wear a nice hat- but for the most part he's kind of a snooze. The only part where his stature scared me was in the boutique and he suddenly comes out from one of the plastic mannequin thingys.

As for scariness there are only a few that made me semi- scared. The first being when the killer enters Sarah Michelle Gellar's house and spends the night in her closet only to cut her hair. And then when Ryan Phillipe goes down to retrieve Sarah's crown and the "dead" guy opens his eyes. Other than that it was kind of a snooze for me. Especially the last scene. I mean jump off the boat already. And that they would even suggest Freddy Prinze Junior could be the killer is just insulting. Boyfriends being the killer? Never heard that one before.

The movie is just so drab and blah. It's a boring fishing town with no token weirdos and I really can't see why any of the characters would even want to return after college. The killer is a lame ass who annoys me and sometimes I just wish he would shut up about knowing what they did and just fucking tell someone already. If you really want to punish some obnoxious teenagers send them to prison so they can be some burly man's boyfriend. Nothing says punishment like butt sex.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Kiss: Now That Is One Cat I WOULD Kill.

The reason I have watched this movie tonight is very simple. I had a sudden terrifying memory as a child of watching a scene from this movie. Finding the movie was easy- google in exactly what you are looking for-which in this case was "girl's necklace gets caught in escalator and slices her up" and out came The Kiss.

The Kiss's plot is a bit confusing- at least it was to me who is used to order and plots that don't involve the sudden introduction of a possessed demon cat. We begin with two little girls saying their goodbyes to each other on a train leaving for the Congo. While in the train the darker haired sister talks with her Aunt- who has brought along a strange family heirloom. It looked kind of like a hairless ostrich with no eyeballs. We soon notice the Aunt has a strange skin problem easily confused with your basic psoriasis- and then soon turns into a weird demon zombie corpse thing and "kisses" the little girl. When the train comes into the station the conductor finds their cabin bloodied and a rotted corpse in the Aunt's seat. The little girl is seen getting off the train with a devilish sort of look in her eye.

So what can we surmise from this? The demon whatever it is thingy must "kiss" a youth every some odd years or it will die for good. It reincarnates itself in the younger body and proceeds on with it's life. Think The Skeleton Key if you will. So next we find that the other sister not boarding the train in the beginning has lived a happy life and given birth to a lovely daughter. The mother receives a strange phone call from her sister who mutters something about it "being time" - one guess as to what that means- and she hurries off to the local gun store to see about a nice gun. Before she can pick out her weapon a car hits her and she dies. The woman's daughter Amy soon finds out she has an Aunt she never knew about- who turns out to be more than she can handle.

So when I say the plot is a bit dodgy I mean this... the aforementioned scene that drew me to this movie is very confusing. It's still was as traumatizing as I remember and I wouldn't be surprised if this scene created that whole fear of getting ripped up in the escaltor thing. The problem is- the friend who this happens to does not die or get completely slashed up. Well maybe she does- but we don't see it! We see some serious flesh and the remains of the necklace and maybe a tooth or two. But the next thing we learn is she got hurt at the mall and is in the hospital. No after shot- no explanation for how she could ever survive that ordeal... and she's never seen or heard from agagin! ! I was very shocked. It's almost like they fired that actress unexpectedly and just completely forgot that they had to explain her absence.

The other strange thing is the no warning introduction of the demon cat. This cat pops out of nowhere and apparently is the Aunt's animagus/pet/alter ego. It has gross teeth and spits curdled milk vomit at people. It also does a really shitty job of actually killing anyone. It's last hurrah comes in the form of being electrocuted by a bug zapper and then set on fire and exploded. Pretty frickin lame.

I guess my main gripe is that nothing is really explain. A little back story about this "family" tradition or curse- like how it started for example or why would be extremely helpful in clearing up some obvious plot holes. The writing was pretty hilarious- my favorite being "I NEED SOME FRITOS I WANT TO DRINK A FUCKING DIET COKE" hahah classic stuff. Unfortunately I don't think the lines were meant to have much comedy alas the mark of a sub par horror movie.

All in all a real throwback to my days of being frightened of the TV and the horrors it would spit back at me. That escalator scene still makes me cringe a bit but other than that nothing great to report. At most it felt like a made for TV horror movie or maybe an Are You Afraid of the Dark episode.

The Haunting: Qui-Gon Lives!

I think I may be the only person in the world who likes this movie. I've kept it a secret for so long ah well THE CAT'S OUTTA THE BAG! Perhaps I have a soft spot for bad acting or maybe its my eternal love for a former Jedi knight.... who knows. Whatever it is, certain unforgettable images from this movie kept popping into my head today and I just couldn't ignore them.

I've never seen the original but I will eventually because it's on my list and I'm sure it's worlds better but this particular movie has always stuck with me. Qui-Gon Jin is falsely holding an experiment to test the affects of a big and scary house on insomniacs. What the tricky bastard is really doing however is studying some kind of paranormal activity and psychosis or whatever but who knows really. So it's not long before strange things keep happening- especially things that revolve around the lead character Nell.

The part that has always always stuck out to me is when Nell is running through the house away from numerous terrible CGI effects and finds herself looking into a mirror. Here her face tenses up suddenly and she smiles to reveal a set of teeth that are not hers. I can't really tell you what makes this so scary- I think it's something about how the teeth look so strange in her mouth and they do this creepy smile I don't know it just really freaks me out. And then she runs over to another mirror where her eyes are different! Equally scary but I think the teeth may still have an edge.

The other part that scared me- (although I think this is in part due to my innate fear of seeing a hanging person) is when they are in the garden and Nell looks up and sees a woman hanging from the ceiling....

Then there's also the little things like Liam Neeson being dragged into the fountain by a bad CGI hand and the fountain starts to spew blood. The bloody footprints of the children leading to the secret room. The log book of all the children and their ages when they died. How that one locked door smells like something foul, and the knocking that reminds Nell of her dying mother's cane banging on the wall.

There are terrible aspects too of course. Owen Wilson getting his head slashed off by a giant stone lion. The CGI ghost children, Nell's bad acting, Catherine Zeta Jones talking about how she's bi-sexual, Owen Wilson flirting with Catherine Zeta- I'm- A- Ho- Jones's character hmmm I guess it is a bad movie...but I still have a soft spot for it!

Perhaps it's all the details of the house- that one strange hallway with the stone books floating in water, the tall ceilings, monstrous fire place, and the decor of all the rooms. It almost makes the mansion the villain or the main character kind of like the hotel in The Shining.

Sure there may not be a whole lot of good but that teeth scene will always get me! If you fast forward to around 8:00 on the clip below I think you can see what I'm talking about.

Buy The Haunting at Horror Movie Empire!


Friday, September 25, 2009

Martyrs: I Got Nothing Witty To Say.

When I polled some of my twitter friends as to what movie or scene made you crap your pants the most; nearly everyone said Martyrs. I was confused, how had I never heard of this movie!? I immediately moved it up on my netflix queue, brought it to the Cape to enjoy on my sister's wedding weekend, opted out of a lovely night of drinking with Irish men, and watched it. Sometimes when watching movies on my computer I will admit I pull up another tab and take a few jaunts on facebook while watching. But with Martyrs...I have never been so focused in all my life. Even when my slightly drunken sister came up to talk to me during the last 5 minutes of the movie- I slapped her and told her to leave immediately.

When the movie was over I had the strange urge to cry hysterically and dance for joy. I felt like I had a purpose in life and at the same time needed to gouge my eyes out. It's a paradox of extreme measures and I had to sit in silence and digest what I had just seen for at least an hour. Some people on the IMDB message board began their posts with "just another senseless torture porn" and what I have to say to them is, "are you fucking nuts?" Never in my life have I watched such a meaningful and justified horror film. This film transcends Hostel and Saw a million times and back. Everything that those films and various others films tried to do but failed- Martyrs successfully delivered!

The movie opens with Lucie having just escaped from the place where she was tortured. Her hair is shaved off, she's in her underwear and she's running with such heavy footsteps and terror in her eyes you would swear this was real. Lucie is found and brought to really relaxed kind of mental asslyum for children. Here she meets her friend Anna and often sees a very scary wild woman come into her room and inflict her with all sorts of pain.

Next up a lovely family is enjoying breakfast. Everything seems fine and dandy and we hear the doorbell. The father opens the door to find Lucie pointing a shotgun straight at his heart. Without warning she fires, the mother comes running she shoots her, she shoots the entire family- blood is sprayed across nearly every inch of the house. But it's OK- it's justified. We find that Lucie finally found those who tortured her all those years ago- the mother and father of the family. She calls Anna and tells her she found them, Anna rushes over and is aghast at what she's found. There's this amazing moment of disbelief where you aren't sure if Lucie was right. This seems like such a normal family, who literally showed no signs of understanding why they were being massacred. This feeling doesn't go away until Anna finds a secret passageway to the basement- and what she finds is completely and utterly terrifying.

The family is part of a highly organized and extremely scary cult that seeks to find the answer to the ultimate question of whether or not there is an afterlife. They've found evidence of girls who have been on the brink of death- scientifically they should be dead- but yet they remain alive with a certain look of enlightenment in their eyes. They have reached martyrdom- they have transcended. This is what the cult aims to discover. They kidnap women, torture them for however long, and just barely keep them alive- all to find out if they will transcend and confirm the presence of an afterlife. Pretty shady stuff. So basically this family had a girl locked up in the basement- probably unbeknownst to the son and daughter. Can you believe it? It's probably the most terrible thing I can imagine.

I can't keep talking about the plot but I will just say that this movie keeps you enthralled until the very last second. So much happens in a matter of minutes it's truly unbelievable what this movie accomplishes. The violence is nauseating yes- but it is so so so necessary. The horror of the situation is accented and facilitated by the presence of this extreme gore. It has to be at that level or the entire point of the movie would be lost. At times it was hard to watch and endure- but I couldn't not watch it.

The ending is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. The emotion that comes out of Anna is incredible. I truly couldn't believe that what I was watching was a movie and not actually happening. Every moment in this movie was unbelievably realistic. I'm still having trouble digesting all of it. I could write a 50 page paper on this movie and still not cover everything I would need to talk about.

I'll just say that this is not a movie to miss if you are a horror fan. If you can't watch gore- don't- although why are you even reading this blog but WHATEVER. I'm sure everyone has seen this movie except me- but if you haven't you must watch it ASAP.

Buy Martyrs at Horror Movie Empire!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

It's Alive!: Nice Head Mutant Baby

It seems as though I'm really on a killer baby/baby movie kick. I only moved this up on my queue because a website linked my blog to a post about It's Alive! And I hadn't even written a post about it yet! Instead the link brought their readers to my post about the Candyman....oh well special surprise I guess. I'm kind of sad I did move it up because in all honesty it was a bit of a snoozer, with only a few things I liked.

The plot is simple. A couple has a baby that turns out to be a mutant massive head baby with big fangs and claws. He had barely just made it out of the vagina when he starts biting every doctor in the room. The husband runs into the delivery room to find all the doctors and nurses dead and his wife screaming WHAT DOES MY BABY LOOK LIKE. I guess that scene is pretty decent although I expected more of a look into the event actually happening. So anyways the baby runs lose and just starts eating random people at will. Police decide they need to kill the baby and they go on a baby hunt.

So the scenes I did enjoy was the milkman scene. Mostly because I loved how he went in for like 3 or 4 bottles before the mutant baby actually grabbed him, so it was a bit suspenseful in that sense, but I really LOVED how the blood mixed with the milk. Bloody milk? Sick. Bloody milk because of a mutant baby attack...pretty awesome. Although side note: there was a rumor in high school that the chocolate milk was only chocolate because the milk was bloody and they had to cover up the color...ah memories.

I also liked how we only saw what the baby looked like little by little. It was like it started with just seeing a tooth, then we got more and more it was a pretty effective little trick kind of like Jaws but not nearly as terrifying. I also appreciated the emotion from the father at the end. Faced with the option of shooting his mutant baby or not and he just couldn't handle it. I do feel that this movie is mostly pro-life.....or is it pro choice... not sure I guess there is evidence for both but in this instance- what it reminded me of was how people back out of abortions because they suddenly get attached or people that put their children up for adoption can't go through with it if they hold it or form some sort of bond. Despite the connotations I really felt for the guy and his well timed tears.

I didn't like how the pace was so freaking reminded me of When a Stranger Calls in that I was like come onnn get to the good stuff already. I also wasn't a big fan of the baby's point of view. It was too blurry and made me nauseous. Perhaps they could have kept that POV in but not have made it blurry? I mean it's like presumptuous of them...just because he's a mutant baby he can't see properly? Jerks. Also why when the woman realized she was in labor did the husband take his sweet time? Speed it up Daddy there is no time to be waking your son up with the cat and having heart to heart chats!

Overall much too slow- not exciting enough or creative enough deaths. No real suspense was created and I never felt scared. While the beginning scene is unsettling it's not unsettling enough to really wow me. But I suppose it did open the door to the possibility of the killer being a poor harmless child.

Poor mutant baby he only wanted to be with his family : (
Also was the ending scene filmed in the same place as the big car race in Grease?! Neato guys!

Buy It's Alive! at Horror Movie Empire!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Carnival of Souls: I Bet A Carnival Of Souls Would Be Fun...

This movie is classic and a true example of that nightmarish quality of horror movies that I love oh so much. Mary Henry and her friends drag race a car of boys. Things go horribly wrong however when their car takes a little detour off of a rickety bridge crashing into the muddy waters below. Rescue men cannot find the car- but Mary soon stumbles up the bank looking dazed and cannot recall what happened.

We then follow Mary to her new job as a church organist. While driving to her new town a scary man appears outside the car window...! I don't know what it is about this guy but he just freaks me out. He has this terrible makeup on- you know stereotypical dead people dark circles but it totally works. I think it freaked me out because I used to have nightmares about riding in the back of my parents car and a vampire swooping up next to us. Yes that's definitely where my fear stems from. Anyways this dude is relentless. He pops up everywhere- outside of Mary's bedroom window in her living quarters and every single time he produces the same feeling of terror. Pretty impressive when you think about it.
Then there's the scary organ music. I don't know what it is about organs either but it really sets a scary tone. It's so classically menacing! Then there's the way that the dead people move around. Ugggh I've already spoken about how creepy silent movies are so when these dead people are dancing in that creepy slow kind of way and at the end when they are all chasing her! Yikes it was really unexpected.

Overall a true gem that definitely set the stage for movies like Jacobs Ladder and the Sixth Sense. What a treat what a treat.

Buy Carnival of Souls at Horror Movie Empire

Saturday, September 19, 2009

When a Stranger Calls: She Didn't Even Get To Finish Her Homework!

When a Stranger Calls was not what I expected it to be at all. The first half hour or so is a perfect example of a great horror movie scene that keeps you on your feet. What happens after is just one long snooze till you hear the trademark music of Jill's paranoia and bad memories spark up again. Even Carol Kane- the best part of the movie, mostly because of her ability to be naturally creepy looking and sounding- is entirely absent from the whole middle of the film. Perhaps there is much too much concentration on the killer- but I much rather enjoyed when he was just a floating cloud of mystery and just a voice attached to a phone.

Maybe I'm depending too much on my Black Christmas morals but I like to keep my knowledge of crazy killers to a minimum. The one exception being of course Norman Bates who is entirely fascinating. Billy in Black Christmas was also immensely disturbed and psychotic but we didn't gain any knowledge about him- and that's what makes him scary.Crazy people are just scary because they are crazy period. I don't want to know why they are crazy, being crazy is scary enough. In When a Stranger Calls, the scares come when you are dealt the unknown whereabouts of a strange man calling you on the phone. Jill believes he is outside watching her- when he is in fact inside the house. I was so surprised to learn that that whole scene happens immediately in the film that I was completely flabbergasted when it suddenly said 7 years later and some other strange woman appeared on the screen.

So I will talk about that amazing scene then- that is so amazingly perfect I wonder if the movie could have just consisted of that and that would be that. Of course now that I think about it, that is exactly what the remake attempted to do and it just made the movie boring- so I guess it's a lose lose.

The beginning scene is so terrifying because there is so much tension built up almost immediately. As someone who once babysat- the time alone when the children were sleeping was always a bit scary. Something about being alone in a house at night with windows has never been my strong point. Case in point when my friend and I called 911 because it sounded like someone was moving boxes in the attic. Turns out it was the 4th of July fireworks- which I still think DO sound like someone moving boxes around but whatever cops whatever.

The killers voice on the phone is so calm and so creepy it has this unpleasantness that is so scary I can't even properly describe it. His relentlessness is what makes him scary. And the mere fact that he actually kills the children- What a shock! I really did not see that coming at all. The creepiest part hands down was when the cops carried the children down in body bags., clutching them like dead koala bears. And when the killer has a quick flashback of the scene and him covered in blood looking down at the bloody beds!

The ending sequence that does return us to the fabulously creepy Carol Kane- doesn't really redeem the terrible boredom of the middle part of the movie. When she hears his voice and thinks he's in the closet and then BAM he's actually in the bed next to her? Really? Come on people what ever happened to locked doors- and not noticing someone killed someone else stuffed them in a closet and then slid into bed with you? Kind of like how it seems weird that with the house being so quiet in the beginning that Jill wouldn't have heard anybody completely slaughtering two children upstairs.

So all in all, a pretty big disappointment here and I'm really sad about it because the beginning was so wonderful. Ah well I suppose Bravo is right in pointing out scariest movie moments and not movies, because this is certainly an example.

Alien: Jonesy Lives!

My first encounter with the movie Alien came when I was in the 2nd grade and took a lovely ride on Disney's magical movie ride or whatever it's called at MGM. The smoke and the alarm sounds made me extremely unhappy and very very scared. I spent the rest of the ride face down with my eyes and ears closed and missed out on the entire Alien experience. This past March, I went back to Disney and rode the ride again. This time I realized Alien is a really scary movie no matter what age you are. The anticipation that something is going to jump out at you and all that smoke and again with the alarm noise holy crap. So when that part of the movie happened last night I was immediately brought back to that feeling of complete terror and agonizing anticipation.

Alien is by all means a thrilling and terrifying concept. Aliens are rarely seen as our pals or as anything that doesn't drool KY jelly, and this alien is certainly no exception. The movie has been described as Jaws in space and I think it's pretty much true. The sudden appearance of the alien in the air shaft made me scream out loud, and tracking of the alien in that same scene? Holy moses.

The iconic scene is of course the alien bursting through the chest or stomach or wherever scene. It's such a surprise and it's so shocking it may very well be the perfect scene. You had to know not everything was going to be ok though. I mean the guy had an alien face hugger thing attached to his head for hours. And by the way if people had only listened to Ripley and not let the guy back on the ship in the first place no one would be in the given situation. But what fun would that be?

I was positive that Jones the cat was dead like 20 times, but much to my shock and happiness Jonesy lives well and prospers. Thank god. Honestly if I had to watch another horror movie where a cat died I was going to fling myself out of a window. Thank god cats are treated well in space.

So my one qualm with this movie- well maybe not qualm....perhaps the thing that really made me uncomfortable was the aliens legs! I don't know just made him look so human and so weird. Kind of like how when I notice a normal sized Jawa from Star's just weird. And i'm not sure how else aliens are suppose to get around but his legs were just really weird to me.

Now apart from the legs, that scene where everything is fine and dandy and Ripley and Jonesy are safe and sound in their escape I mean I guess I knew something else had to go wrong because there was still 15 minutes left, but really mr. alien you think now is a good time for a nap? Ripley really lucked out there. Good thing she stripped down to her undies for her final showdown. But all joking aside, Alien is a real tension filled movie, and nearly perfect in my opinion.

And my own personal favorite Alien spoof.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Scream 2: I'd Be More Upset That My Boyfriend Got My Popcorn All Bloody.

Ooh sequels. As someone who hates remakes and sequels I've realized lately that the only sequels I like are those directed by the original director-or sequels that are continuations i.e. contain the same characters as the original. If all the characters are killed in a movie then the movie should be over. Why would anyone want to sit through the same exact movie with different and less talented actors who just have bigger boobs?

So that brings me to my guilty pleasure of the Scream movies. Wes Craven rarely disappoints and I think he's really taken the Scream franchise and done wonders with it. He's taken his main character and made her strong and even *gasp* grow as a character. Character growth in a horror movie?!! What is this devilry? But it's true.

Sydney Prescott is a woman who will never truly be able to sleep at night. Sure in the beginning she seems over it- the whole caller ID thing and the way she deals with prank callers- but just by the mere sight of Cotton she gets all cold and rigid again. I mean you really have no choice but to sympathize with her. She watched nearly all of her friends get killed except the dorky movie nerd and her slutty best friends even dorkier cop brother......super lame cakes. But anyways Scream 2 is a mighty fine sequel in my opinion.

The beginning is really great. Wes Craven pays homage to Demons but puts a deliciously brutal twist on it. Poor Jada Pinkett Smith gets stabbed to death in the movie theater at the opening night of Stab (the Hollywood version of Sydney's real life story aka Scream) and no one even notices or cares. People are handed out gifts of the killers costume and glow and the dark knives. Of course no one would notice! It's all so wicked and scary- bleeding and screaming and being overshadowed by a particularly wonderful horror movie! Not that Stab is particularly wonderful but you get the idea.

So then we follow Sydney through her college days as she tries to be a woman, and tries to outwit and survive another batch of killers. My favorite scenes are the play rehearsal scene because it's so hectic and dramatic and the story of Casandra is such an interesting one to choose. And of course when the killer is driving the cop car, crashes and Sydney and her token black friend have to crawl over the killer to get out! The tension is seriously dealt in that scene and that horn blowing is so not cool Wes.

While the killers are a little ehh, the movie really works for me. Sarah Michelle Gellar is even in it- thank god she smartened up and joined the cast of a real horror movie fad aka NOT I Know What You Did Last Summer. The movie plays on the fact that the first movie played on the whole idea of horror movies and so it plays on the idea of a sequel! Honestly it's so simple and perfect it's a wonder no one else had even thought to do it. The Scream movies will always be a favorite of mine- although I didn't quite enjoy the third one as much. We'll have to see about the 4th.... regardless I just love that Wes Craven!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Wicker Man: Boobies, Boobies Everywhere.

The Wicker Man is among other things including a soft core porn- a pretty decent horror movie. Sure there's no bloody killings, or a crazy killer on the loose but there ARE creepy religious people who wear animal masks and are naked a lot! A fair trade in my opinion.

Sergeant Howie is investigating the disappearance of a young girl on the remote island of Summerisle. Upon his arrival Howie finds that the townspeople do not know of the missing girl- nor do they seem to think she exists at all. Little by little Howie learns about the towns strange pagan religion where they teach children the importance of the phallic symbol and encourage naked fire dancing. Howie soon suspects the townspeople are plotting to sacrifice the missing girl in hopes that her sacrifice will allow their crops to thrive. Unfortunately things aren't exactly what they seem and Sergeant Howie is more important to the island than he ever imagined.

So pretty much what scares me the most is the cult of creepy religious people. They dance naked and dress in funny costumes and perform head chopping ceremonies? The scene where Howie is trying to get in his sea plane and get out of there and a bunch of the townspeople are looking at him from the shore with those really scary animal masks that totally remind me of that uncomfortable scene in The Shining. I just don't like animal masks I guess....but what it really comes down to is- I don't like creepy people!

Then there's the ending. I can tell you I rarely feel compassion or sympathy for characters these days- mostly because if they're really worth a damn the director or writer has the sense to keep them alive (Except for Buster in Misery! RIP). But in this ending scene I truly truly felt terrible for Sargeant Howie and really felt his despair and anguish. When all the people are holding hands and singing a joyous creepy song and he's singing a hymn-it really may be one of the most powerful scenes I've ever seen. It gave me chills and made me feel like crying. For christs sake he was just trying to find a missing girl! Good grief creepy people do you have to be so mean? Who cares about your crummy apples anyways?

Oh and Christopher Lee boy do I love to see Saruman in his young days- and dressed as a woman nonetheless!

I wanted to show the clip of the ending but it's disabled! So here's the trailer whomp whomp

Buy The Wicker Man at Horror Movie Empire!

Monday, September 14, 2009

The Terminator: Bill Paxton's Greatest Cameo Yet

So forgive me but I have never actually seen the original Terminator. And since Bravo is fond of putting movies that aren't horror movies on their list of scariest movie moments I have to write a little spiel about it. A half hour into the movie and I can agree that yes perhaps the flashbacks of what the world will look like in 2000-whatever the date is are upsetting, the human skulls being crushed by machines is very sad. I myself have always disliked what the supposed future is suppose to look like- the only one I really felt comfortable with was Back to the Future part dos. Hover boards?!

Count me in. Sadly we are approaching that date and I don't see any hover boards or flying cars so whomp whomp.

While this is a horror blog, I can't help but talk about things that stick out to me the most in The Terminator so far.

1. Bill Paxton is the lead punk.

That is amazing. Way to go Bill. I also enjoy films portrayal of punks. I guess that's punkish....I don't know about that gap in the tooth or that...what is that a tire skid mark tattoo on his face? Hardcore man.

2. Does anyone notice how well the punks clothing fits Arnold? He must have done some quick tailoring on that jacket because that guy was pretty tiny. I mean I guess I wouldn't be surprised if a killing machine had a little pocket sewing kit but I mean come on- let's get serious here.

3. Why are bums in movies always so fricking gross. They make me more nauseous than seeing Arnold's junk flapping around at a distance. Why is it always so trashy and dirty everywhere? 1984 couldn't have been that bad, I have proof. But seriously bums clean it up.

4. Why can't the garbage man in the beginning cut his nails? He's not a bum- so he isn't excused. Also I don't blame him for abdanoning his garbage truck after seeing a naked Arnold rise from the blue lightning streaks. Yikes.

5. Murray Futterman from Gremlins is the gun pawnshop owner. I love Murray Futterman!

Ok that's all I got for now. Sorry Terminator fans- I know it's a legend but I'm just not in a Terminator mood.

haha this Wayne's World spoof is in spanish!

Funding a war against the robotic horde isn't cheap. You could always consider taking out payday loans to help the human resistance.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Severance: Great Bloody Fun

Like most girls I enjoy a well seasoned British movie. Unlike most girls, I also enjoy a well seasoned and bloody british horror comedy. Severance does not disappoint. It follows a team of weapon sales people on a team building trip in Eastern Europe. As I've said before in my Hostel post- Eastern Europe is a very scary place and if I were told to go there for a "team building" exercise I would say no thank you goodbye. The team starts dropping like flies as they try to understand who is killing them and why.

First things first the comedy in this movie is really refreshing. There aren't funny moments that are funny because they weren't intended for humor like a lot of horror movies. The comedy is intelligent and really really frickin funny. Some of my favorites were when Maggie and Steve are smoking and the bear trap guy gets dragged away behind them. The part where Steve is sitting by the tree and sees the prostitutes log contraption flying out of the hole, and of course the prostitute shooting the hell out of that guy at the end. There are endless funny moments and lines and it really makes the film awesome.

Now to the horror side- there aren't a whole lot of scares- but there is quite a bit of gore and surprising modes of killing. The very first death for instance was almost my definition of a perfect killing. Where you know what is happening but you aren't given a close up view. The blood from the wound dripping over that guys head is enough to get the idea across, and the way that the blood kind of drowned him was really nice. I also though the carving of the logo into that guys skin was great and of course the bear trap scene. Yikes I've never been so entertained and grossed out at the same time- oh! and the shoving the leg in the fridge bit- genius! There are a lot of homages to other classic movies in this- and one thing I kept noticing that I particularly loved was that the music sounded a lot like the spooky music from The Shining.

The story and motives of the killers isn't entirely necessary here and it's more about the survival of our main characters. You get the general idea of who the killers but it isn't crucial to making the movie good. I love seeing a female lead who kicks some butt- and at the same time I love seeing our old friend the queen alien from The Faculty!

So all in all a great, awesome, amazing movie. Full of comedy and a lot of fun gore. Thumbs up in my book all the way.

Grace: I'm Never Breast Feeding.

After watching Baby Blues I thought I would be prepared for some politically incorrect choices of subjects but boy did I think wrong. Grace is such a disturbingly great film and really knows how to make a person- or woman I should say, cringe.

A crazy vegan obsessed woman and her husband are pregnant with their first child after 2 miscarriages. They have a midwife instead of a doctor- much to the dismay of the husband's uptight mother, and everything seems to be going well. One day the wife has chest pains and it's a close call but the baby is OK. On the way home they get into an accident-killing the husband and what seems like the baby.

The wife decides to deliver naturally and not induce and when it's finally time it's a truly heartbreaking event. A dead baby is a really really horrible looking thing. I was honestly more put off by the dead baby then I have ever been by anything I've seen in a film. Anyways. Much like in Little Otik the baby comes alive with the nourishment of her mother's teat! Nobody thinks it's too weird and baby Grace goes home with her mother.

So come to find out the midwife was once the wife's lesbian lover and the blood tests were all fine after the delivery. Things are great. That is until Grace starts really really REALLY sucking on her mother's teat. Grace soon gains an affinity for the taste of her mother's blood. The woman isn't too worried but Grace's thirst only gets stronger.

So when I saw the posters for this movie I thought it was going to be more along the lines of It's Alive! or the Omen or some movie where the baby is really evil and kills people. Turns out this isn't really the case. Grace while addicted to blood- isn't really that malevolent. The mother is actually the crazy and deadly one! Who knew?!

There are so many great things going on in this movie making it a real pleasure to watch. The flies in the nursery for one completely freaked me out. And all the fly paper! The part where she's in the toy store looking all pale and stuff and then boom nasty blood out of the va-jay. And then of course the ultimate terror trip- BLOODY NIPPLES ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Is this how guys feel when they watch the Last House on the Left???? I really had a hard time with that- and that last shot at the end WOW a baby is never sucking on my teat I can tell you that right now. Also, I loved how drastically the mom went from being a vegan obsessed maniac to willingly filling up her baby's bottle with cow blood. Her degradation is really prominent and really scary in this.

The only problems I had were the ending- kind of like....a big plot hole and I really would have liked to know how they accomplished that little feat. Also was Grace a dead baby, is that why flies swarmed her room and she smelled weird? There isn't a whole lot of explanation and in most cases that works well but I would have liked to seen a little bit of an explanation- not a huge and lame one- but just a little something.

Other than that a real surprisingly good movie and one not to be missed.

Buy Grace at Horror Movie Empire!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Incident On and Off a Mountain Road: People With Giant Tattoos Of Crosses Are Not To Be Trusted

Incident On and Off a Mountain is the first episode in a swell little TV series called Masters of Horror.Each episode is directed by a certain "master of horror". This episode in particular was directed by the man who is responsible for the Phantasm movies. And true to form he casted his own favorite tall man Angus Scrim as a delightful and kooky old man.

So we first meet Ellen driving and listening to some tunes on a mountain road. When the radio fuzzes out she gets distracted and suddenly hits a parked car on the highway. After some flashbacks of her and Ethan Embry enjoying a nice first date? and sex.. she comes too and goes to see how the person in the other car is doing. She finds a ghastly trail of blood leading to the edge of the road and over the guardrail. She then spots a man in a hat struggling up and mountain. When she flashes her flashlight into the man she sees that he is dragging a woman and that he looks like this.


So obviously she freaks and runs away into the woods. Here we flashback again to where Ethan Embry is talking nonsense about learning how to survive on your own and what not. Basically little by little we find that he was a little nutty. They eventually had gotten married and he forces her to fight him and prove that she's not weak- weirdo stuff like that. Personally all this could have been avoided had she paid attention to his enormous tattoo of a cross on his body. Religious freaks are always a little nutty. Anyways flashing back to the woods, Ellen cooks up some traps in the woods with like scissors and stuff- why she has a mini pair of scissors in her bag we'll never know- but little can stop Moonface.

She eventually reaches his rustic cabin overlooking a lovely waterfall and finds dozens of bodies tied to pieces of wood with their eyes cut out, the moon shining through the empty holes. These bodies are grotesque to say the least, all wrinkly and skinny like a Jesus raisin. She passes out from the reappearance of Moonface and wakes up chained to a pole in the basement. A kooky old man talks to her who is also chained and asks if she brought any candy if she likes to sing- you know kooky old man stuff. Eventually Ellen's survivor instincts kick in and she battles Moonface in hopes to save herself.

Overall the movie was really interesting. The blood smears in the beginning, the people tied to the wood, the old man and the general appearance of Moonface were all very horrific. The last 10 minutes or so of the movie got a little dodgy. There is an extreme change of Ellen's character for one and her decision to shoot Buddy at the end is very alarming and quite sad. Sure he's kooky and gave you away when you had escaped- but he was a funny old man!

Another thing that confused me was the siren contraption attached the corkscrew eye thing- what was that all about? Was he warning anyone from not getting too close to the dangerous machinery? Probably not. It was a little weird. But then again I still will never understand the whole tuning fork/entrance to another dimension thing going on in Phantasm so whatevs.

All in all a good little chunk of entertainment. And I will definitely be watching more of these episodes for some quick thrills.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Baby Blues: Reason Number 501 Not To Have Kids.

Ok. Just finished watching this and all I can say is, Wow. Just wow. Totally unexpected. At first I was a little perturbed that someone was taking such a sensitive and obviously controversial story and making it into a real horror movie. The beginning says something that we are so used to seeing these days- "based on true events" and in this case these true events are startlingly realistic. Baby Blues follows the degradation of a mother suffering from postpartum depression who one days snaps and kills all of her children. This is of course a direct allusion to the case of Andrea Yates who also snapped and drowned all of her kids while her husband was at work. Many people are deeply disturbed by that case- and rightfully so- and so imagine projecting those same feelings into a movie.

This movie I think works very similiarly to tales of home invasion- like The Strangers for instance, where we expect a certain amount of safety and protection to those things closest to us. A parent is suppose to protect their children not kill them, and so there we get what makes this film truly disturbing.

This movie is surprisingly very artistic and has some really great shots throughout. Some of the shots are tinted kind of blue a nice play on the title and it really keeps you locked into that whole depression-like atmosphere. The visions that the mother would get every now and then were so startling- the bleeding baby in the high chair in the cornfield for instance, or the t-shirt with the blood stains on the angels hands. Then the amazing-ness of satanic voices on a baby monitor?! Genius! I also LOVED the scene where the mother pricks her finger with a needle and then proceeds to use her blood as lipstick and pretend she is doing a weather report. So amazing. My eyes completely bulged out of my head at the scene- I just couldn't believe the amount of terror that scene in particular produced.

The killing of the children was also surprising. If you read the little summary on Netflix it says Jim must protect his siblings from their mother- but as it turns out SPOILER ALERT all of the siblings bite it pretty quickly- and most of the farm animals too. But in general you really have your eyes wide open for all of this movie. I constantly felt on edge and was truly and 100% terrified for these children and what would happen to them.

If I had complaints it would only be in the area that Jim wasn't really the best protector out there. Sure he's young- but he smashed his mother over the head with a mirror- I think he is capable of pushing her out of the way while she is stabbing his brother, or even creating a frickin diversion when the mom is stabbing hay bales looking for the little girl. A little effort from Jim would be appreciated.

Oh and Lester? Seriously? What kind of weed were you smoking- what a useless character.

And then there's the ending... well on the upside there wasn't a shocking and annoying twist- but on the downside I kind of wanted/needed the Dad to witness the crimes themselves. So I guess I wish Jimbo hadn't burned down the house. The ending does have a very scary possibility though- and it almost seemed a little hard to believe something like that would happen.

This is a Must See for sure. What a great movie. A perfect length- no gratuitous blood, the main kid is cute as hell (and kind of reminds me of a young Michael J Fox) and the acting is unusually good for a horror movie that I've heard very little about. Check this one out immediately.

This trailer is not a very good one- as it makes it seem like a typical recent horror movie with knife sounds and what not. I can think of a million ways to make this trailer better but whatever fine. Don't be fooled, this movie is really really great.

Here is a 10 minute clip from the movie, around 9:00 gets you to the blood/lipstick scene watch that- k thanks bye.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Strangers: Who Knew A Burlap Sack That Looks Like a Baseball Would Be So Scary?

Call me a macho woman- but screaming out loud in a horror movie is usually a big deal for me. Perhaps it was merely because I was surrounded by my friends who were also freaking out- or because it was just geniuely really scary but whatever the reason, I was screaming for a good hour of this movie.

Liv Tyler has rejected her boyfriend's proposal but they decide to have a nice night at a rustic house in the middle of nowhere anyways. Pretty awkward if you ask me. It's not long before there is a knock at the door and a meek woman's voice asks if Tamara home. The woman's voice is so eerily airy and out of it you just know something is up. Not to mention the door is especially heavy so when anyone knocks it's like the devil pounding on your soul. That was pretty deep if I do say so myself.

Sooo the boyfriend leaves for some reason I forget and Liv is by herself, and for some reason decides to play the creepiest most terrifying song that obviously foreshadows the future and is a omen to NOT GO OUTSIDE. This is the song but don't pay attention to the annoying pictures and speech bubbles.

Honestly. It's like the most scared I've ever been. To be listening to this song and then seeing that baseball burlap sack guy suddenly be in the house. And the writing on the windows with lipstick and their creepy masks and everything about this movie just really freaked me out. I pretty much had trouble looking outside my window at night because I just knew a scary woman in a scary mask would be standing in the woods ready to kill me.

I think home invasion horror movies are very scary for the simple reason that most people feel that if they are safe inside their house then nothing can get them. Our homes are our private place to go and escape from the outside world and when those havens are compromised what else do we have? Going outside? DON'T GO OUTSIDE. But sometimes you just can't help it. Although I will say people need to stop building houses that are miles and miles away from any contact with other people- Yeah I'm talking to you Drew Barrymore's parents in Scream.

So like I said I truly think this is the best current horror movie to come out in a long long time- except maybe for The Orphanage.

The ending is so heartbreaking and so awful and you really can feel the terror that exists there. Also not knowing a single thing about these "strangers" makes the movie even more terrifying. And I just know they will come out with a Strangers 2 that will explain their backstories and motives and shit and that will be a huge mistake. The less explanation we get the scarier they are. It's like Billy in Black Christmas- we can put the pieces together and make a scarier assumption that is a million times better than some crappy eye gouging obsessive remake. ENOUGH WITH THE REMAKES.

Ok. I've had my say. Scariest movie I've seen in a really really really long time. Screamed the whole way, and I still cower in a corner when I see the picture of the three of them standing there.

Oh and FYI this is NOT based on a true story so don't get your hopes up. True story or not, this is some really terrifying shit.

Ok I just watched this trailer again and literally got goosebumps. Nightmares tonight. Ballz.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Demons: In the Fight Against Demons and Pimps, I Would Have Guessed the Pimp Would Win.

After watching Demons for the first time, I am definitely glad I ate my delicious meal of shake n bake chicken before popping this one in. The gore is extreme here- but it is also a lot of fun to watch. And being written and produced by Dario Argento it automatically wins my heart. The film does lack Argento's usual style of beautiful shots however and I guess that's where the whole he only produced it bit comes in but it's a very entertaining movie regardless.

So plot plot plot. The plot is, a weird guy in a silver terminator mask thing is handing out free passes to some newly opened movie theater. A large crowd shows up and they all vary in their level of annoyance. There's the pimp and his two hoes that just can't shut up, the woman who cheats on her blind husband while sitting next to him, an ugly girl and her uglier boyfriend making out, and a rude husband or maybe it was her father who constantly tells his wife to shut up. The movie starts and soon all hell breaks loose. One by one the movie goers start turning into evil demon creatures that are thirsty for blood and a manicure.

The way that the teeth protrude out of those gums and those crazy long disgusting fingernails?! It was pretty mind boggling. I could have done without the green slime that the demons spit out but maybe I'm just picky. The dialogue as usual in these semi dubbed italian horror movies was pretty embarrassing but good because I feel better when I find something to laugh about in an obviously disturbing movie.

Like I said before the gore is to the max in this one. For the time it was made the special effects are actually pretty realistic and surprisingly nauseating. The part when the demon pulls off that girls hair and exposes her brain causes quite the gag reflex, and when that one guy spews all his puss and liquids over the ugly girl...sick man. Just sick. My favorite part hands down was the show down with the pimp and the demons. I just love how he whips out that switchblade and starts stabbing the crap out of those demons. Too bad his success was so short lived. Pimps always disappoint.

I definitely could have done without the coke addicts in the car as they served no purpose except to get in a gratuitous nipple slip. But the music that is played throughout is entirely appropriate and it really made me happy to see crazy demons running around to Billy Idol and AC DC songs.

All in all, a pretty awesome movie that I can only assume has a tremendous cult following. Definitely not for the faint of heart.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Little Otik: I Guess I Can Forget About My Dream To Have a Baby Tree Stump.

Little Otik is a Czech horror movie that can only be described as a constant shifty eye/what the fuck is going on/this is amazing.

A husband and a wife cannot conceive, and the wife is getting increasingly depressed. The husband hallucinates babies being sold in the market like fish-netted out of a tank, weighed and finally wrapped in newspaper. He even one day halluncinates seeing a newborn baby inside of a watermelon he had just cut open. He finally feels so bad for his wife that he one day finds a tree stump that kind of looks like a baby. He decides to trim it up a bit and give it to his wife as a present.

The wife is ecstatic. The husband really did a number on that tree stump- the penis is pretty spot on and the wife becomes obsessed with it. She immediately begins putting baby clothes on it, and powdering it's tree bum. The husband is a little freaked out and lets be honest, who wouldn't be freaked out by a stump baby? Then again he is also to blame for finding the tree stump...I mean what did he really want to accomplish there?

Anyways- the wife is so obsessed she devises a way for people to think she is pregnant by stuffing a pillow under her clothes and pretending she is a preggers. She soon gets antsy and "delivers" the baby a month early. Her husband drops her off at their house in the woods and returns in a week. When he comes in he finds his wife breast feeding the tree stump. And let me be straight here- that tree stump is 100% sucking her teat. No joke.

The tree stump is completely alive. And really really hungry. It has a mouth full of adult teeth and sometimes has an eye instead of the teeth...yeah I was a little confused there too.

So turns out Little Otik is a bit of a cannibal. He has an insatiable hunger and it's not long before he starts eating the family cat, the postman and a social worker. The neighbors soon become suspicious and the parents must solve the problem but their insane love for the stump gets in the way.

So what I think is the creepiest part of this movie is the way that Little Otik moves once he is alive. It totally reminds me of the way parts of Beetlejuice are- that creepy claymation thing it's just bah almost as upsetting as weird puppets to me. Little Otk before he is animated is also scary....maybe it's the mouth or the twig penis or his overall stance or I guess just that a woman could be that obsessed with a tree stump. It's all very strange and very cool.

OH I know what it is....Little Otik looks like a Link as a deku scrub.....genius.

The best scene for me was when Little Otik ate the social worker and all the blood and body parts came flying at the door. I also liked when she found the brain stewing in a pot. Although we never find out what animal that brain belonged to or why the parents felt the need to cook it but oh well. And although you may think I would flip out about the cat being eaten-I really strangely wasn't that upset about it. Maybe because it was a little more comical.

Overall the movie is really nuts. There are so many great juxtapositions of gross food and different scenes cutting away into that it's really awesome. And all the baby hallucinations in the beginning are just completely insane and amazing at the same time.

The only problem is that the movie is a little too long. It's like 2 hours and 20 minutes so my attention span kind of waned there at the end. The ugly little girl could also be a downside and the pervy old man is really gross. But mostly I enjoyed myself throughout and it reminded me of Little Shop of Horrors and all that greatness. But seriously tree stumps babies? Bad idea.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Jaws: Great White Sharks Were Spotted Two Towns Over From Mine...Eff That.

Ok so let me start off by saying I can't watch this movie unless I have a pillow and some valium. Sharks have been my #1 fear since the first time I saw this movie. Most people don't think of Jaws as a scary movie and to them I say are you fucking nuts?! So what if the shark looks fake. It's fucking scary. Bravo agrees even though I don't usually agree with their countdown but personally I would rate this as the number one scary moment. And that moment is of course the beginning scene. Jaws has taught me many things throughout my life, for instance; don't let play fetch with your dog in the ocean. Also don't throw chum overboard without looking in front of you first and never under any circumstances should you go skinny dippy alone at night after your hook up has passed out on the beach.

The beginning scene is like watching someone get buried alive. Who would ever want to get eaten by a shark? No one. The way that the girl reacts after her leg is first bitten is so real and so stunning. She gasps like the water is too cold and when she realizes that her leg has been bitten off it's all downhill from there. Drowning and being bitten by a shark is not cool man, not cool. You can't help but put yourself in that situation. It could very well be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to.

The rest of the movie is equally terrifying because of the music and because you go so long without seeing the shark and then when you do see it it's like oops I crapped my pants that was a fucking shark. The chum scene in particular... so not cool. Then the scene where the kid on the yellow raft gets eaten and that geyser of blood shoots up. I mean it really was a blessing in disguise that the shark broke down in the salt water and they couldn't use it because the suspense of not seeing the shark until critical moments is really key to making this movie work. The shark eye view and the haunting score also are vital points that make this movie timeless and a truly fantastic scare. For as long as I live I will never not have a heart attack when I see a great white shark appear on TV out of nowhere which actually happens a lot more than you would think. Sharks are my number one scare. Number two is usually spiders but after seeing Deliverance I'll have to think that one over again.

Buy Jaws at Horror Movie Empire

Quarantine: Zombies With Rabies...? Still Not As Devastating as Zombie Sharks.

Quarantine is a remake of the foreign film REC although from what I gather, it's just the same exact movie except in english. Jennifer Carpenter will forever be ingrained in my mind as the psycho and possessed Emily Rose- so I have a hard time seeing her in a movie and not be afraid of her demon possessed face... All demon faces aside she isn't very good in this movie. She's a terrible news reporter and kind of awkward whilst interacting with handsome firefighters. Her extreme terror is kind of over the top and too annoyingly hysterical-although I suppose I would also be hysterical if people with rabies were attacking me too, but it would be nice to sometimes have her be relaxed.

So the story is-Jennifer Carpenter and her camera man are shadowing firefighters for a whole night. When they get a call they head to an apartment complex where an elderly woman was reported to be screaming or something. When they get inside the old woman is foaming at the mouth and has blood down her dress. Obviously a bad sign- but they continue to be like "are you okay ma'am?" No she's obviously not okay. So she attacks people and blah blah people start dropping like flies. Then they soon find out they are being quarantined in the apartment building and they don't know why. Hmmm wild guess...maybe it's the weird foaming mouth disease where old people bite off people's faces? No? Just a guess.

So little by little they find the disease spread because one apartment had a dog and the dog got infected and the guy brought it to the vet- but I guess the old woman got bit by the dog or maybe an escaped diseased rat from the attic bit the old lady who knows.

The movie for me was mostly a snooze fest. I spent more time looking at facebook then actually watching the movie. It has the whole documentary style going like Cloverfield but there's zombie people and the camera man just won't put the camera down no matter's a little silly. The only parts I really liked were when the camera man beat a woman to death with the camera- so we were kind of like being used as the murder weapon very cool very cool. And the skinny underwear zombie in the attic who I assume was the scientist was very scary looking. And I guess the very last shot which was horribly spoiled by the trailer.

I think maybe the best indicator of a good horror movie is whether or not all the big scares are shown to you in the trailer, and as it so happens that is the case with this one. I was so bored and tired of zombies with rabies jumping out at the camera. That scare is good one time but it happens consistently. And the part where the little girl bites her mom while holding her? Who didn't see that coming? I'll have to catch REC and see if they changed anything with this version but I'm guessing no- but also foreign movies are almost always better so I'm not completely giving up hope. All in all not the greatest, even with Jimmy from That Thing You Do being in it.

Buy Quarantine at Horror Movie Empire!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Alice Sweet Alice: People Really Need To Start Being Nicer To Cats.

I was so excited to watch this because it seemed like a really underrated great horror movie that I would really like. And......I was right! This movie definitely reminds me of Don't Look Now and has bright red blood AND some really great camera angles and shots. The only problem is the rough handling of a kitten but I guess I'll let it slide.

Turns out-Alice isn't so sweet. She's one of those really mean little girls that push people into little rooms, and put peoples coats in the toliet and keep jars with cockroaches in them. I'd say she's only a small step away from turning into a Samara. Her sister Brook Shields gets all the attention. She is a favorite of the priest father Tom, and obviously is the favorite child of her mother. Alice likes to wear creepy flesh colored masks which- in case you aren't aware of it are much more creepy then regular masks. Trust me.


So at Brooke Shields' first communion, she gets killed, stuffed into a bench thing and lit on fire. People suspect Alice because she is conviently missing at the time of the murder and arrives right after it-holding her sisters veil. Her mother isn't having it. And one day after a tiff with her aunt, Alice goes downstairs, heckles the fat man who like cats, and plays in the basement. The aunt soon leaves and on her way down the stairs gets stabbed in the legs by a person in a yellow raincoat and flesh colored mask. Hmmmmmmmmmm.

Alice is suspected and held at a mental institution type place. But we soon find the murders continue with the same person in the yellow raincoat and flesh colored mask....! How can this be?! As we learn more and more about the killer and their motives the movie only becomes more complex and I still have several questions and thoughts that won't go away.

The killer's motive first of all does make sense to me. Mostly. But I still think Alice stabbed the aunt. I think this because of two things; first off, the killer's motive doesn't match up with why she would kill the aunt, and secondly the stabber didn't kill the aunt. The stabs seemed more to hurt rather than to kill. This is why I think Alice had to have been a part of this particular incidient. Anyone else agree?

The rest makes sense- sins and killing people who have sinned. The crazy lady and John Doe from Se7en should really get together sometime.

The things I love most about this movie is how creepy Alice is. And how- very much like every character Vincent Price has ever played- we have a hard time truly trusting her. There's that sweet angelic music every now and then, and you're all like, why does she own so many creepy flesh colored masks then she's all like strangling kittens and shit. It's nuts.

Also I love the blood. The blood flows really nicely in this in that it has more of a purpose than just a slasher movie. The blood is almost artfully placed and flowed and it really makes some of these shots really beautiful. The best one has to be the ending murder. Such a surprise- and then she holds him tight and the blood pours out in these little rivers over the top of the raincoat, I was really just blown away. And also the scene where the fatty gets stabbed and we see his bloody hand in the now bloody fish bowl.

Gah I just really liked this movie. It was suspenseful, surprising and really kept you on edge. You don't know what to think about Alice and what her deal is- and every time the flesh colored mask pops up it scares you just as much as the first time you saw it. It's really a powerful object. So definitely watch this if you haven't- a real diamond in the rough if you will.

Buy Alice Sweet Alice at Horror Movie Empire

The Fly: I Want Fly Mittens For Christmas.

So bravo actually has the remake of the fly at number 33 and not the original which wasn't exactly the best news to find out after having watched the original...but it's OK because original and classic movies are fabulous. I remember seeing this when I was little except it was in black and white so the spider part wasn't scary. Isn't it weird that when things are in color it's somehow scarier? That spider was massive in color and I don't agree with massive spiders. Plus Vincent Price is in it and the blood looks like Suspiria blood so I was excited. Oh and the fly-man has the same name as me so that was exciting too.

Andre the scientist develops a new and incredible invention. A teleportation device! In the beginning he starts small... ash trays, newspapers boring things. And then one lovely night when he starts getting cocky the family cat strolls in for a nice saucer of milk. If you are thinking "don't do it you a-hole" so was I. Seriously?! The beloved family cat is your test subject???! How about you go outside and catch a fucking mouse or something that doesn't have sentimental value. Heck, I'd even volunteer Phillippe before I volunteered the cat. Bah.

So anyways the saucer makes it to the other teleport pad but the cat's atoms get lost somewhere in the air and we never see it again. This could be sadder than the puppy incident in Single White Female.....OK so Andre finally gets it right then breaks out a guinea pig to test it (now he finds a guinea pig!) and all goes well. One day he decides to transport himself. The first time all goes well. The second eh things could have gone better. A fly joins him in the box without Andre realizing it. In the switch their atoms got mixed up and Andre came out with a giant fly head and a fly hand (mitten). He enlists his wife to find the fly with the white head and if she is unsuccessful she must kill her husband.

This movie is pretty classic. First off the wife's scream is awesome because she actually puts her hands over her cheeks while know what I'm talking about, the classic scream face? It's pretty refreshing to see it again. Also there are some quirky moments and Phillippe wears this awesome hat at the end. Oh Phillippe is Andre's son.

Then there is the ending. How depressing. Andre ended up dying in two equally terrible ways. Although I will say it wouldn't have done much good to save him from the spider web because his human self was already killed so ehhh in the long run it was probably better the dectective finished him off with a rock. That fly-man's scream at the end though...powerful stuff. Piercing and really really chilling. The whole story is so tragic but I'm glad the wife gets off free and is able to play croquet at the end. Thank god life can go back to being normal if they only had that damn cat back.

Here is what a fly mitten looks like if you want to start your christmas shopping early.
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Tuesday, September 1, 2009

13 Ghosts: Does She Realize That An All Glass House Equals An Everyone Sees You Naked All the Time House?

So I pretty much only like this movie because of the ghosts and the makeup and stuff. And before you ask, yes, I have seen the original but these ghosts are so much more fun...! Especially naked ones in bloody bath water!

The story is a little weird. Cyrus is a ghost hunter and actually physically catches ghosts. But not just ghosts....evil murderous nasty mean ghosts- and one nice one. Cyrus needs to capture the 13 ghosts of the black zodiac to fuel his "house" that is really an eye of hell....which is apparently also created by the devil- he's a pretty decent architect that devil!

Cyrus supposedly dies in the beginning trying to catch the Juggernaut and his house is left to his nephew, Tony Shalhoub who's daughter is also known as the naked foreign chick from American Pie. The family is delighted by the sight of the sprawling, all glass mansion. Personally I don't see the appeal but I guess anything is better than where they used to live. So they get a tour, and we soon start meeting some of these ghosts. The catch is- only the people wearing the special glasses can see the ghosts. The ghosts come out one by one every time another door is unlocked or a spell chanted or something whacky.

So that's enough of that summary. I think what I enjoy most about this movie is the kind of backstory behind each ghost and it's traumatic previous life. After I saw this for the first time I was convinced that the black zodiac really existed. Turns out-it doesn't. BUT there are a bunch of sites still devoted to it and give a very detailed description of each ghost.

My favorite ghost is probably the angry princess- but that's just because I like artfully positioned blood. I don't see why she has to be naked but whatever. I just really like how the picture changes from normal bathroom to post suicidal bathroom.

Ooooh she's so angry!

Then of course there is the Jackal- which I think is the creepiest and scariest looking thing I've ever seen.

Yeah that box isn't doing anything for him. Seeing that thing come out of nowhere is the scariest thing about this movie....and maybe the only scary thing.

Then the ghost with the best makeup is most def the Hammer

Well I think it's decent anyways.

Of course the movie itself isn't very good, and Matthew Lillard only gets more annoying with every movie he does. Plus there's a terrible and embarrasing rap performed by the nanny, Rah Digga during the credits. I just love those ghosts though!

Here are the rest of them ghosts.

The Torso

The Pilgrimess

The Juggernaut

The Great Child and the Dire Mother

The Torn Prince

The First Born Son

The Bound Woman

The Withered Lover

Well that's that.