Second Chance: Paranormal Acitvity

Unlike many of my fellow horror friends, I first saw Paranormal Activity from the privacy of my own home. After finishing the film I felt what can only be described as a deep sense of disappointment. That was it? I finally see the scariest film of the year and all I get is a couple of footsteps and a glance into the most annoying couple in the world? After this initial viewing I shook off my feelings of disappoint and reasoned that my lack of disinterest had to do with the conditions in which I saw it.

I figured that seeing it in the movie theater would allow for many more scares. The sound being amplified and all would mean that I wouldn't have to lock myself in a closet with my laptop to hear the sound that was evidently suppose to be scary. In addition to the volume being decreased, you've also got a room full of people being scared together. Having other people so close to you, an hearing them react almost causes this weird domino effect--making your skin crawl as well. I was clearly not in a crowded movie theater, and my cat although cute, could hardly be described as petrified. Sleepy more like it.

Yes, I'd say I was doomed from the get go. That is until I noticed that Paranormal Activity was streaming on Instant Watch. I figured the time was ripe for a second chance, what with the sequel coming out and the Halloween season rearing its head. I put in my headphones to block outside noises, and cranked the volume to make sure I heard every footstep and every door creak. After finishing this viewing I came to two very important conclusions: 1.) Paranormal Activity is not very re-watchable and 2.) it totally sucks. Since you aren't just allowed to say something sucks these days without proper explanation, here is some explanation.

1.) Micah is a stain.

Never in my life have I encountered a more annoying character in a horror movie. Keep in mind I've endured some pretty annoying big breasted sluts, and some even more annoying big headed jocks from the bowels of the slasher genre. I understand that horror films have gotten to the point where the characters must be dispensable and that often times we even root for the annoying ones to be picked off. The problem here is that I'm not convinced Micah is suppose to be annoying. Judging by his nurturing, heroic nature, I'm assuming we are suppose to feel grateful for Micah and the "protection" he appears to lend to Katie. Instead what I get, is a man who thinks he is the toughest thing since Chuck Norris' underwear. His decisions and his reactions are not believable. This upsets me since the film is suppose to be entirely believable due to the hand held camera/ found footage thing going on.

My main question is this, who on this earth would witness such supernatural occurrences as Ouija boards catching on fire, demon footprints in baby powder, and loud unexplainable crashes and then say, "IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?! HUH?!"..................... It's a fucking demon dude, you can't bully it. It drove me absolutely insane that one of Micah's main goals was to catch the demon in the act, or worse-to show the demon who was boss.

Perhaps even more frustrating is that Micah is skeptical of the demon's power from the start. A weird attitude that seems to last until SPOILER..............the end. He somehow thinks a psychic is a bunch of baloney, after witnessing an Ouija board catch on fucking fire?

It doesn't make sense. Micah's tough guy attitude, and his insistence that the demon isn't really a threat, is something I just can't get past.

2.) Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

What? Oh sorry, I fell asleep while trying to remember why this movie is boring. The movie is boring, because we are simply waiting around for the nighttime scenes to happen. They have set the movie up in such a way that when we see the night vision camera set up, and the time stamp being sped up--we naturally slouch down in our seats with anticipation. This is a good tactic---but in this instance it, to use a phrase from Micah--seems like it's all they've got. What happens when it's not nighttime? We have to endure the endless exclamations of Katie's worry, Micah's disbelief, and worse---their stupid fights over video cameras. Each segment not filmed in the nighttime is like pulling teeth to me. I almost rather the movie solely be a collage of all the nighttime sequences.

Let's think about the most common thing that happens when they are not sleeping. Can you remember? Well alright, I'll tell you. The most common thing that happens when Micah and Katie are not sleeping is that they are re-watching the footage that we already fucking saw. Yes in a way I suppose it's chilling to hear their reactions to know what was happening while sleeping---but none of their reactions are surprising. Every reaction is, "Oh my god Micah" "Oh!" "Oh my god!". Woohooo. The re-watching of the footage is boring. I saw this happen already. Get back to another nighttime scene, thank you.

3. ) Confusion

I'm confused about something. For some reason I remember the footprints in baby powder being hoofed shape, this time I notice they were more webbed and scary. Either way it doesn't matter because both prints create two very scary images of demons.

Hoofed demon

and scaly webbed feet demon

Both I find equally original and terrifying. Original in this respect--I should add. The "demon" could have just been the presence of what appears to be a human--except of course that it's a demon. Having it actually resembling some kind of biblical goat/scaly creature is actually quite surprising and refreshing.

HOWEVER

Aside from the footprints in the baby powder--almost everything else about the demon's presence is very human. The best example I think is the footsteps. You know what those footsteps sound like to me? Feet. Someone wearing shoes walking loudly up the stairs. Wouldn't it have just been amazing, if it was some other worldly sound coming up those stairs? Some crazy, unexplainable, indescribable noise? Take for example the sounds in the attic in The Exorcist. What the hell are those noises? We don't know. Hearing them freaks us out so much because we can't identify the noise. In Paranormal Activity however we can identify that noise--and that noise is feet. Boring loud feet. The noise was probably made by a crew member walking up the stairs. What made those crazy noises in The Exorcist? I have no clue what could possibly make that sound--and THAT is fucking scary.

The second example is the shadow that passes over the door at one point. Man, how I would have loved to see some horns up on that creature. Some abnormally tall being, or even a bad ass mother fucking goat. What I got though, was just a pretty normal head. Hello? You just set up an amazing idea in our heads with the footprints in the baby powder---and now you're giving me a normal looking shadow? Shit's whack!

4.) I got somethin' to say. And I ain't gonna say no more.

In conclusion, I think Paranormal Activity is one of the biggest victims of the hype monster. A lot of people compare it to another film often categorized underneath the hype monster--the Blair Witch Project. The Blair Witch Project for me however has one thing going for it that I feel Paranormal Activity does not. Watch ability factor. I can watch The Blair Witch Project over and over again and still feel marginally creeped out every single time. I get the same chills that I got when I first saw it--possibly even bigger chills after multiple viewings. With this second viewing of Paranormal Activity all I got were yawns. The main scare factor of Paranormal Activity are the sounds. I already know when and where those sounds occur so it's not going to surprise me in the same way that it did initially.

The Blair Witch Project however creates an environment that continues to be scary. The emotions, and the distress level, the hopelessness is so much more apparent in those woods than any time in Micah and Katie's house. I don't believe Micah and Katie's distress. I'm not agonizing over their situation because they are fucking idiots who annoy me. The Blair Witch Project brings a sense of impending doom, and it continues to introduce elements and factors contributing to the scare factor that do not contain the same boring night camera sequence, 3 AM time stamp bull shit.

Fact is this. I do not like Paranormal Activity. I don't care if it revolutionized the horror genre, by making box office history and becoming one of the most profitable films to date. Does that make it a great film? I don't think so. A great film will keep me up at night. It will cause me to close my eyes and picture exactly what it was that frightened me to the very core. When I watched The Changeling, the clanging pipes in my apartment caused me to lose at least a few hours of sleep. When I watched the Exorcist, I stayed up all night in fear I would become possessed. When I watched The Shining, the sound of the water flowing through the pipes sounded like blood rushing out of an elevator. When I watched Paranormal Activity, I also stayed up all night---because I could not for the life me understand why they had such a nice apartment. And also where did Micah find a demonic Ouija board?

Trilogy of Terror: Wonky's Back!

I'm not quite sure why I decided that two doses of Karen Black would be safe so close to one another. Perhaps as much as I detest her wonky eye, I secretly love it at the same time. Yes, that must be it. Regardless, Trilogy of Terror is that little piece of TV goodness that people always seem to bring up in conversation. People could be talking about anything scary--and the Zuni doll will continue to be brought up. I had to find out what it was about this Zuni doll that kept so many people up at night, tossing and turning and recalling those days from when they were children, and petrified of a little doll with bad teeth and a knife.

I was perhaps most surprised to find out that the first two segments of the Trilogy of Terror are quite forgettable. In fact, I knew virtually nothing about either of them because everyone was always so focused on the Zuni doll. I find it funny that the entire anthology is called Trilogy of Terror yet the first two parts are anything but terrifying. I found them both to be pretty bland, unoriginal and completely boring. Millicent and Therese especially--on the unoriginal side as I guessed the outcome within 2 seconds. It was pretty evident by the way she was talking exactly like Sybil. That's really not a spoiler at all, because one look at that dreadful blonde wig will clue you in immediately.

Blah blah okay so we finally get to Amelia and I can't help but be continuously underwhelmed until the appearance of the Zuni doll. I guess what it comes down to is that I am not wowed by Karen Black in the slightest. Something is off with her, and if I'm not mistaken it's that same offbeat thing that causes people to like her. That confuses me. Why am the only one who doesn't fall head over heels in love when I hear her name uttered? I must have missed out on something important during her hey-day. Oh well.

Here's the thing about Amelia. I think it greatly suffers as a one woman show. I'm not convinced that Karen Black really pulled that off the best she could. There was so much, SO MUCH thinking out loud that it drove me nuts. I wrote about this earlier this month when talking about a dreadful Asylum film, but one of my pet peeves is when lines are written that simply do not need to be. When Karen Black sees the lamp flicker on and go out, she says out loud something along the lines of, "Huh? Must be a faulty bulb". This pisses me off to no end. We as an audience who are paying attention should realize that something is amiss and that the lamp going off is part of that. We don't need someone telling us that the lamp going out is weird OR anxiety provoking. It should have instead be read on Karen Black's face and her emotions.

The other problem is that once you get past the age of six or so, the Zuni doll becomes hysterically funny. People have been traumatized by this scene for practically their whole lives.

And why not? A scary doll like this, that comes to life and bites and stabs you?

The thing is, the appeal of the Zuni doll quickly fades within about 2 minutes of meeting it. After that it's a continuous battle of Karen Black locking herself somewhere, and the doll getting in somehow. Then it's repeated moments of Karen Black thinking the doll is either gone or dead and SURPRISE it's not. It all seemed very redundant to me.

The one saving grace is that great shot of Karen Black at the end, and that smile which I'm sure was responsible for more than one nightmare.

Overall, I'm pretty disappointed in Trilogy of Terror. The first two segments are so throwaway, and the third doesn't quite live up to the trials of time. Maybe it's my blind and unexplainable annoyance with Karen Black or maybe it's just really not a great piece of TV film. Whatever it is---I want my hour back.

Critters: I Prefer More Billy Zane With My Critters

If you remember my review of C.H.U.D I had been sadly misinformed by... myself that C.H.U.D contained the creatures known as Critters. Apparently I mixed up the box covers in my head--sue me. As it turns out, C.H.U.D. is a delightful movie compared to Critters, although the actual Critters are better looking than those pesky Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers are. As an entire film however, Critters is kind of boring.

Here are 5 omens that warned me of the impending doom concerning my viewing of Critters.

#1. Finding out that Johnny Steele was not a real singer.

Having not recognized Terrance Mann in anything, I was just about ready to search Ebay for a Johnny Steele poster to put in my bedroom (on the ceiling). I was so excited when the TV recording of Johnny's performance turned into the REAL THING that I smiled really big and became hypnotized by the fog and laser light show.

But then that alien bounty hunter morphed into him and I knew, I knew my dreams had been dashed. Unless we're dealing with Jon Bon Jovi, a stud muffin rock star will just not be able to act you know, good and stuff.

#2. Billy Zane's character died too quickly.

Hopefully most of you realize that the less time that Billy Zane is in a movie, the sadder the earth becomes. I'm not sure why this is, but I'm pretty sure it's been proven at least 3 times at Harvard. I think it has to do with his dreamy face but I'm not sure. In any case, I was all excited to see Billy and then all unexcited to see him get his stomach eaten by a Critter.

#3 The Critters remind me of the California Raisins

For reasons as yet unexplained, I really detest the California Raisins.

In elementary school my best friend had California Raisin bed sheets and they used to make me physically ill. I would fantasize about destroying them and then fly away on a magical bicycle pump that transported me to a glorious rainbow. Wait...that was a different dream. Anyways, the Critters are pretty frickin cool looking, but because their thick fur/head of hair reminds me of the California Raisins, I get physically ill. Apparently the California Raisins do not have hair. I must be confusing them with James Brown.

#4 Pinbusters makes me long for Ghostbusters. (Obviously)

Besides being stupid, the bowling team's logo of Pinbusters makes my mind wander to the beautiful day I had yesterday basking in the gloriousness that is--Ghostbusters. Long story short, I wish I was watching Ghostbusters instead of Critters.

#5. Is this suppose to be E.T.?

Seriously, the worst representation of E.T. that I have ever seen. My cat can draw a better picture of E.T. with her butt. Which brings up a good point, is this really supposed to be E.T.? I don't remember him having eyebrows.

Okay so I was doomed from the get go practically. As much as I wanted to love Critters for its likeliness to Gremlins and because I confused it with C.H.U.D--it just wasn't in the cards. It is an interesting spin on the home invasion scenario but for the most part I found myself yawning on more than one occasion. The bulk of the matter is, that the Critters don't get enough screen time, and by screen time I mean moments of subtitled amazingness. More Critters! That's all this film really needs (and more Billy Zane obvs). I felt like way too much (boring) time was spent on the (boring) family in (boring) Kansas. It took quite a long time for any action to happen and I found myself just getting more and more tired of it.

Oh right you may want to know what it is about. Well, some Critters (or Krites I guess is what they're called...I will continue to call them Critters. I mean the film isn't called Kritters is it?) break out of space prison and land in Kansas on a dumb farm . Bounty hunters are after them and the Critters pester a boring family and their cat. Thankfully the cat makes it out alive. SPOILER ALERT Billy Zane does not.

Where was I? Oh yes. So, while I did appreciate how the Critters rolled around, and how awesome they looked barring there million rows of pointed teeth, I was just kind of underwhelmed after a while. It's fun the first few times a Critter latches itself onto an unsuspecting person, but then it just becomes the same old thing. Sure, Dee Wallace Stone toting a shotgun is pretty neat, but running out of ammo so quickly is not. There's a lot of that in fact--something awesome and then that awesome gets quickly dashed. What's up with that? I want awesome all the time okay?

I guess I just can't find too much to love about Critters. I like Gremlins better. I even like Gremlins 2 better. And I definitely like C.H.U.D better. Love the Critters in general but your movie? Well it kind of stinks. I would however like a Critters stuffed animal for my birthday. That is all.

Dead Birds: O.K. There is NO Way They Had CGI in the Civil War Era.

Dead Birds is one of those movies that I wanted to like so much. Actually I didn't really know what it was about- except that there were probably some dead birds somewhere- and that it had made it on a few peoples best of the decade list I think. Naturally I was intrigued but imagine my surprise to find that Dead Birds was a CGI infested tale that took place during the Civil War and had largely to do with hairless Brundlefly's from another dimension!

So yes- Dead Birds follows a "posse" of deserters who rob banks and make a real mess of things by shooting up everyone's head and what not. Eventually they come to a cornfield- where this comes flying out of the corn.

Your guess is as good as mine as to what that awful beastie is. Strangely unperturbed, the gang moves on towards the sprawling mansion. Then someone steps on a dead bird.

Yes you are correct in thinking that that is not any normal "dead bird" (it's a messed up one). So the gang enters the homestead anyways- and strange things start happening. Odd voices are heard, a book of voodoo or SOMETHING is found in the cellar- and people keep disappearing and turning up as the above altered version of Brundlefly. In short- the family who once lived there were all turned into evil Brundlefly demons. Sort of. The wife got sick- the father was upset and tortured and killed some slaves to appease the disease- but everything went wrong and opened up a door to another dimension and those creatures came and turned everyone into one of them. And now the house is doomed.

Here are a few beefs I had with the movie. For starters- there was no way in hell that the main characters could convince me that they were from the Civil War era. All horrible anachronisms aside- if I hadn't known this was set in the Civil War era I would have assumed these were just a couple of kooky Civil War reenactors. I think Elliot had an accent in the very beginning but then everything just turned real present day for me. The girl had way too much make up on, the lanterns did not flicker like candles- and people made out like they were hot and horny teenagers. To be fair the girl was really the worst offender of this- and everyone else was just half bad. But seriously- horrible job, also probably due to the script.

Next- this whole demon/other dimension thing was not translated well at all. There were way too many elements to this story and it seemed like they were all forced into that brief flashback that we get of what exactly the father did. But is that flashback really enough to make you understand? One quick glance at the IMDB board for this movie and you'll realize that the answer is NO. No one understands what is going on unless you read this stupid Dead Birds Glossary movie guide and even then you are still scratching your head because no where in the movie did it outline those facts. Sure we get some gist that the father did some pretty bad shit and let in some pretty shitty looking demons--but what is this other dimension crap? You're telling me that when Isaiah Washington turns into swirly green dust all of a sudden that I'm suppose to know he got zapped into another dimension?

(Look it's a stunt double!)

Yeah I didn't think so.

Finally- the movie relies far too much on CGI and bad Asian horror movie scare tactics. Yes seeing a creepy little boy under your bed is pretty scary.

But when he suddenly turns into this with no warning...

It's just sort of insulting. Yes that was terrifying- but only because it was a jolting- scary- unexpected and tampered with emotion. I'm thinking that that scene would have actually been scarier if the little boy had stayed the way he was before that CGI change? I think so. If there's one thing I've learned with supernatural themed horror movies- understated terror works best. Think The Changeling and the red ball. Also it didn't help that they used that same scare tactic 100 more times.

Did it make me jump every single time? Yes. But anyone with a pulse will jump when the scene suddenly flashes to a scary face accompanied by a loud velociraptor noise. It's just not enough for me. I want to be scared because something legitimately makes me feel uneasy and just really really unsettles my nerves- I don't want to be forced into feeling that way.

So if you haven't realized it by now I felt horribly let down by this movie. With a bit more thinking, and a serious decrease in the amount of CGI used it probably could have succeeded. I'm still undecided about all this other dimension stuff and having it be set in the Civil War Era and I will maintain that setting it in such an era was pretty pointless and possibly an attempt to have it not be like any other supernatural horror movie. Sure there were some pretty powerful moments--like when Elliot would stay awake at night and get all weepy about E.T. still being gone...

Plus this scene with the slave woman was kind of creepy.

But for the most part- I was pretty underwhelmed and very disappointed AND let down. Perfect proof of that is the title. Originally there was suppose to be a much bigger scene with dead birds which would enhance the nature of the title and actually have it make more sense to the viewer. Due to budget and time constraints that never happened so we really just get that one close up of a dead bird which of course equalled confusion and now nobody knows what the title is suppose to mean. Much like the rest of the movie. Although if you have a little bit of common sense you can probably figure it out- but still...what are all those dumb people on the IMDB message boards suppose to do?!

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Hatchet: So That's What Happened to That Bitch Girl From The Addams Family!

Hatchet has been met both with disdain and excitement across the board. While I can appreciate campy slasher movies (obviously since I rate Sleepaway Camp on my top 10 list) Hatchet just did not make me love my life as a horror fan. It bore so much resemblance to 2001 Maniacs and yet I loved 2001 Maniacs- so don't try to tell me it's because I don't enjoy those kinds of movies.

Hatchet centers around a haunted swap tour who's boat capsizes and leaves the occupants stranded in the Louisiana Bayou, supposedly in the area of a unearthly and urban legend inducing killer, Victor Crowley. Victor who is deformed and died a horrible death hunts and brutally kills anyone he comes in contact with. The tour group finds their numbers diminishing as Victor Crowley unleashes his deformed, nasty overall angst on everyone.

I guess my main problem stems from the fact that I found the entire movie to be pretty useless. There was nothing new and exciting here to me and my mind wandered...all the way to my Ipod touch where I played Yahtzee (on a side note I fucking rule at Yahtzee). Let's see.. an urban legend is actually true, people are idiots, killer kills blah blah blah. The gore was pretty gruesome but still nothing stuck out to me. Even in 2001 Maniacs where I would say the gore was on the same level more or less- I found myself actually loving it. The part where the blood splatters the women's umbrellas for instance was great! But in Hatchet I found close to zero of those kinds of moments.

Even the jokes were sub par for a campy slasher film. Sweaty ball jokes and calling someone some funny name for a dick are funny maybe one time. The two porn star girls were awful and not in a oh they are being bad actors on purpose kind of way it was just one big eye roll after another. Despite the fact that Amanda from Addams Family Values (and I think the first one where she plays the girl scout)

shows her boobs every 5 seconds, I just really did not love it.

I guess what I'm trying to voice is that Hatchet wasn't very fun for me. It's not that I'm trying to find meaning or "beautiful blood" moments it just comes down to the fact that I wasn't entertained.- even with a double cameo of Robert Englund and Tony Todd! I hated everyone- especially the main guy who I'm pretty sure was the annoying robot voice guy from Grandma's Boy who was also a giant pain in my ass. I just found there to be no redeeming factors. It was just- boring. The movie ended up becoming a giant game of Where's Victor Crowley now? And what is up with that ending? It was like the ultimate blue balls horror moment.

Bah. So in closing I guess this puts me on the "hated it" side of the Hatchet debate and I just can't understand where all the hype is coming from. I've heard that I must watch Spiral so I will do that and hopefully feel better. Ha I also love that Hatchet poster- Victor Crowley is the next icon of horror??! Yeah right.

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Deadline: Brittany Murphy's Face and Other Disasters

Whenever I see Brittany Murphy's face it makes twitch uncontrollably. I attribute this to the fact that I always imagine my body swarming with crabs, scabies, or just various STD's due to coming into any close contact with the Murphster. So when I saw that Brittany Murphy was in Deadline I took a deep breath and downed my second cup of hot cocoa. That's right I manned up and watched the damned thing. Why? Good question and I still don't know the answer.

The problem with Deadline is that it has been done before. A writer ventures somewhere where they won't be disturbed so that they can make their deadline (*ding ding*) but ends up being disturbed anyways either by ghosts, a murderer, or THEIR MINDS. This story has taken all shapes and sizes; the Shining, Misery, Secret Window, even I Spit on Your Grave. Apparently writers can't write in the comforts of their own home? Well anyways- Deadline really brings nothing new to the table. Brittany Murphy continues to look like a crack addict and Thora Birch continues to wonder what happened to her career after American Beauty.

I jumped twice during the course of this movie. Which is less times than I thought it would be. Please note that when "jumping" is used as a form of scare tactic in this kind of movie that means it's bad on my scale. It's bad because if there is nothing scary in a movie at all- they will almost always result to jump scares to get that rise out of you. So by only having a few of those jump scares, Deadline manages to keep a few points. Of course by the end all those points end up being tossed out the window so it really doesn't matter.

Now to be fair there is a creepy atmosphere and setting in this movie. But on the other hand it is a big and creepy house so....not much of a hard task to accomplish. What really ruins the movie for me is how the "twist" isn't explained well enough. By the time the movie is over you are scratching your head and trying to figure out what it all meant. But it's not confusing in a good, provocative deep way. It's confusing in a something wasn't translated as well as it should have been way. The ending has this intentional note of ambiguity where there should have been none. It's like the movie was lying about what actually happened. And it really bothered me.

Overall Deadline is just a regurgitation of every haunted house/ psychological thriller that has been created. Ok well it's not terrible but it's pretty damn close. I just find that there are really no redeeming factors at all. I can't think of one striking image, or anything that will stick with me once I hit the "publish post" button. It's a forgettable movie- which is partially good because I like to forget that I ever looked at Brittany Murphy's face for an hour and a half.

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Edit:The Day after this post was published, Brittany Murphy died due to Cardiac Arrest. Although she disgusted me I still feel like a terrible person and now you know that yes I do have a heart. RIP Brittany Murphy.

Midnight Meat Train: Well That Can't Be Sanitary.

Midnight Meat Train is a perfect example of how and why the concept of beautiful blood is becoming a lost art. Based on a short story by my man Clive Barker, Midnight Meat Train was a less than thrilling ride filled with CGI blood, impossible stunts, and really bad "NOOOOO" acting by that girl that kind of looks like Lauren LC Conrad.

The story is actually a really interesting one. It follows Leon a photographer who stumbles upon the presence of a very strange man on the train. After stalking him relentlessly, Leon discovers that the strange man who is a butcher in real life- butchers people on the train. Leon embarks on a journey to put a stop to the crazy man and figure out just what all this butchering is really about.

Now the overall story I found to be somewhat engrossing but I just could not for the life of me get over that horrible CGI blood. I even looked around at one point excepting someone to jump out and tell me it was just a joke and that the real movie would be starting shortly. But that never happened and the awful blood kept on coming. Let's take a moment and breathe in the CGI and get it out of our system.

Watch out for the flying eyeballs!

Remember that time I saw my own face reflected in my own pool of blood?

Me neither.

So there we have some super examples of this movie was a bad experience for me. I also wasn't too pleased with the pacing of things. It seemed like everything happened within the first 30 minutes or so and I thought the movie could have easily ended once it hit the 60 minute mark. But rest assured there was still another 40 minutes left! It got to the point where I didn't really care what the outcome of things were I just wanted the damn thing to be over with.

The other problematic area was that part where Bradley Cooper suddenly is possessed by Indiana Jones and jumps onto the back of the speeding train with a meat hook and pulls himself up and into the train. I'm sorry but nowhere in this movie did I get the sense that extremely campy stunts and special effects were a vital part of the film. All I got was seriousness- and this part really made me laugh out loud. Then there's the battle of the butcher face off at the end- also unintentionally hilarious. I especially loved it when he threw a severed arm at the dumb girl. Oh and let's not forget when Bradley Cooper suited up in his chain mail butcher apron and ran all sparkly and heroically down the tunnel.

Now it's not all bad. I found myself really enjoying a few images- the bodies hanging in the train for one.

It created a lovely juxtaposition to the rows of hanging meat in the actual butcher factory and also made me look twice at those arm holders that are always too high for most people to reach. I also enjoyed the opening scene and....hmm I thought I had more...oh well.

I'm not sure if other people had as much as a problem with this movie as I did but something was just insanely off to me. There was a lot of gore- which isn't my favorite thing about horror movies- but it was there and I guess it was entertaining- but I just really wasn't having it. I couldn't stand that dumb girl and her horrible aim at close range, and I also felt the overall purpose of the meat train and the creatures was suddenly forced down our throats in the last 5 minutes. After revisiting Rear Window yesterday I really felt that what this movie lacked a lot of was suspense. I didn't feel once ounce of suspense during the entire thing- even in the butcher factory scene- nothing. Again I think it has more to do with the terrible pacing of the movie and my complete lack of interest in any of the characters.

I felt like there could have been much better ways to bring Clive Barker's story to life- possibly hinting at the cops sympathy with the underground creatures instead of suddenly telling us, or maybe even something as simple as cutting the movie down by 40 minutes. I think the short story follows a much more linear path and doesn't interrupt us with all this promise ring, spontaneous butt sex and whiny girlfriends bull crap. As I said it is a pretty awesome idea but I did not think it translated well to the screen. Hopefully there's someone else out there who felt the same way that I did so I can stop feeling so betrayed.

Oh I just thought of another thing that bugged me. I wished we had seen things happen more from Leon's point of view. In that I mean we knew that guy was butchering people on the train because they showed us all of his victims prior to Leon's eyewitness account. This is what I think made the pacing and the entirety of the movie feel so off. If those death scenes were cut out we would only miss out on the terribleness of the CGI- and Leon's eyewitness account would be much more tense and surprising. But I know how everyone wants to see gore gore gore so I'm not surprised they showed the death scenes the way they did. It just seemed to really be detrimental to the overall impact of what the butcher was actually doing on the train. It's like by the time Leon gets to see him in action we are starring at our watches and wondering where he has been the whole time. He's out of the loop and I don't like it!

Ok I think that's all.

P.S.- amputating the tumors was both horrible and amazingly hilarious at the same time and I'm not really sure why. But I think it has something to do with the fact that he pickled and saved the tumors. Yeah that's definitely it.

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