A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge

At some point in life, probably when lamenting about the fact that I'm so bad at watching sequels..I remember people actively telling me not to watch A Nightmare on Elm Street 2 and to just skip on to Dream Warriors. I see where they were coming from. Dream Warriors is exquisite and Freddy's Revenge is maybe well.....not. BUT that doesn't mean that it's not awesome in its own special way. Plus do you people know me at all? If someone told me there was a bedroom dance sequence set to Touch Me (All Night Long) I would have watched this immediately. I mean come onnnn!

I would also like to point out that I have seen the first scene in this before and I now realize why every time my bus driver seems to be acting a little kooky or driving too fast I suddenly am paralyzed with fear. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before I'm whisked away to a random desert somewhere and get stuck on a teetering piece of pointy rock.

So anyways---Freddy's Revenge has its issues yes, let's get that out there before we go any further. A ton of it doesn't make sense. It's edited weirdly at spots which I assume was an attempt to capture that 'am I still dreaming?" feel of the first film but instead just makes you feel like you missed an important 5 minutes of some scene. For instance, the scene where Jesse is just all of a sudden standing over his sister's bed after saying creepy Freddy things is very sudden and comes from nowhere. I'm also confused by Freddy's new found ability to possess someone AND his ability to be real in the eyes of everyone else AND how he can disappear and reappear at will using said body of someone else. Granted, I understand the laws of pedophile supernatural beings may not apply to regular laws of physics but it still leaves me scratching my head.

I also am confused by the nighttime gym scene. Was the coach on his way to being a creepy child molester as well? Is that what he was going to use the jump rope for? Why does Jesse not seem the least bit worried that he's being forced to 'hit the showers' in the middle of the night by his S&M clad gym teacher? Was Freddy like, 'umm there can only be one pedophile here I'm afraid'? That scene is like 10,000 levels of confusion for me. OH, and why don't the police think it's odd that he was found wandering naked near the site of where someone was just murdered?

Aside from that and all the other 5 billion things that don't make sense. I still greatly enjoyed this. I loved the hidden homoerotic undertones and I feel like it gives this movie way more depth than people give it credit for. I mean there is some heavy commentary here hidden beneath all the weird rabid parrots and those weird dogs (?) with weird faces. I also give this tons of credit for being a sequel that does something different. It's not Friday the 13th, where the only difference between the sequels seems to be what Jason will use as a mask this time around. It actually took a completely different standpoint---using the idea of Freddy possessing a teenage boy and still sticking to the mythos of Freddy AND gives nice nods to Nancy even without her being there. It's just so creative I suppose, and I dig that man.

Sure it has it's problems----but I still can't help but love how creative the Nightmare on Elm Street movies are. Is it scary? No, not really. But it's fun to watch and really what more can I ask for?

OH RIGHT, more bedroom dance scenes.

Scream 4: Give Ghostface His Dignity Back

There was an extended period in my life where I wanted to have Scream's baby. I was smitten with Matthew Lillard's annoyingly stupid presence. I got hot flashes when Rose McGowan thought she was thin enough to go through the cat door in the garage. Most importantly however, it scared the crap out of me. So much so, that my first viewing of the film resulted in an all night awake fest courtesy of the metal screw in my ceiling light that suspiciously resembled Ghostface. I was convinced that some lunatic was going to bust through my window at any point during the night and kill me.

Some may say that this is not a healthy reaction to a horror movie. To them I say, yes probably true, although to be fair almost everything in life scares me so I'm really not a good indicator of something going too far.

What I do know is that Scream is a powerful film and certainly one of, if not the best slasher movie of the past decade or so. Because let's be honest---I still want to have Scream's baby okay? Who doesn't?

Due to my blazing love affair with the film, I did my civic duty by watching the sequels and did my best to love them. While I quite enjoyed Scream 2, I felt Scream 3 was leaning a little too dangerously close to the edge of "annoyingly self aware". Now with Scream 4, I'm pretty confident that Scream has completely fallen off that edge and ventured into face slap territory. Which isn't to say Scream 4 is a bad film it's just..............depressing because it reminds me how sad our culture has become.

Ghostface in 2011 is like that point in the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise where Freddy picks up his first dirty slang dictionary and runs wild with it. Ghostface has become too whimsy or something. He's too HILARIOUS and witty to really be scared of anymore. Before he had such a menacing and dark quality about him. There was something truly sinister behind that voice and we dreaded hearing it come out the other end of that line. Now? Now we giggle in anticipation of what Ghostface will come up with next. He's basically turned into this.

Now, we become less scared of Ghostface and more bored with him. Now he just seems like an annoying person on Facebook who thinks that yes, the world does want to know about his loneliness.

In fact, that's the whole problem with Scream 4. It's not scary. And I'm not just saying that because I am no longer a child who easily spooks. Scream 4 is just an exercise in trying to appeal to the new generation of horror fans and being annoying about it. Not that most horror movies don't do that, but there's something so infuriating about implementing Facebook and Youtube as valid plot developments in a movie. Sorry, I mean in any movie that is not called The Social Network.

I know we need to update things and make them cool and current, but didn't anyone else feel like they were trapped in a mall throughout the duration of Scream 4? Why does everyone seem SO LITTLE? It's like when you go back and visit your high school after you consider yourself an adult. The kids look about 10 years younger than you did and to top it all off....the cafeteria tables are smaller. Okay, okay I know it's all in your head but that's what I felt like while watching this. It felt weird. And creepy. Like grown men watching the little league championship on ESPN.

None of this however compares to the fact that the ending reveal of the killer is so outrageously stupid and....stupid. I'm not joking, it's the worst! I was so appalled and annoyed when it happened that I actually did an eye roll at my cat so that I could share with someone how annoyed I was. I really just don't know what to say about it.

Scream 4 isn't even that bad of a movie but that reveal really just killed it for me. There are even some decent and well done things happening throughout here. Creepy parking garage scenes, sad and brutal moments of killings, up close and personal shots of intestines. Plus Sydney Prescott will never fail as a likable and believable final girl for me.

But that ending? MAN! Terrible. Just terrible. Ridiculous. Not believable and worst of all it completely annihilates any shred of respectability that Ghostface had left. I know, I know it's supposed to be a commentary on how much importance we put on Youtube and that whole phenomena of 5 minute famers but come on. COME ON. This is embarrassing Wes.

So in closing. Damn it Scream 4. Damn you. You ruined everything and now we can't be friends or lovers.

Paranormal Activity 2: The Plot Thickens

I wouldn't say I loved Paranormal Activity. In fact, I kind of despised it. My wrath was more directed at the annoyingness of Micah Sloat however so I realize that perhaps I wasn't as fair to PA as I should have been. Sure, it's fantastic how such a low budget and simple concept can scare people out of their minds but at what cost? I have to sit through an hour and a half of Micah "Douchebag" Sloat to get scared? Pfffft.

Good news for all you Micah Sloat haters though. Paranormal Activity 2 contains minuscule amounts of the man (Although those small amounts did make me grind my teeth viciously) and to make matters so much better---characters are much, much, MUCH more sensible and less douchey and therefore my teeth feel better.

Another thing Paranormal Activity 2 has going for it that makes me appreciate both it and its predecessor, is that it's smart. It's smart because it's turning what could have easily been a one hit wonder into a mysterious and page turning movie experience. Yes page turning...which is something rarely RARELY seen with horror films and their sequels. Think of it. How often do we flock to the movie theater because we yearn to know what happens next? Oh I don't know...never! Paranormal Activity 2 however makes this happen and it does it rather intelligently.

Paranormal Activity's sequel takes place about 2 months before the events in the first film. We follow Katie's family who have recently added a new baby boy to the mix. It's not long before strange things keep happening. The same strange things that we saw before only now they seem more violent. It becomes very clear that the demon is coveting the baby and it will not stop until it gets what it wants.

I will mention here that the scares in Paranormal Activity 2 aren't as surprising as in the first film. Sure they're there but I felt like there was so much more creepy build up in the first film. So many more subtle things and noises that really worked for it. I suppose we're kind of assimilated to the demons shenanigans by now. We know his usual tricks....slowly opening doors, making things fall, but none of the usual coolness seems to happen here. Maybe it's because this new house has carpeted floors so we can't hear the demons thunderous footsteps on the stairs? Who knows. Whatever it was the activity here felt slightly less amplified.

That isn't to say Paranormal Activity 2 lacks any scares at all. On the contrary, Paranormal Activity 2 tends to almost heighten what the first film did not. The levels that the film goes to is still just as surprising as we could ever dream. People do get dragged and people get possessed. The baby even at one gets dragged! The demon is clearly not messing around.

And now for some SPOILER TERRITORY... I will say that it was kind of hilarious how they "solved" their problem. I know I had heard people mention this aspect of the film when it first came out but now seeing it for myself does tend to make it verge on ridiculous. Alright well I suppose it's a good solution in the short run but come on. Bad idea. And also----plot hole? I thought one of the creepier aspects of the first film was that this demon had been following Katie around all her life. This twist however makes you believe that it was really her sister that the demon had been after---due mostly to Katie's rehashing of their childhood. So that made me kind of sour.

Overall though, what an excellent way to deal with a prequel. I absolutely love when sequels are made with care to the original. Obviously this is done here...but as I said earlier it really takes the story to new levels. Yes its using its old tricks but it's developing the story as it does so therefore our interest gets peaked and the film becomes new and interesting. I'm not one for eating my words, but good work Paranormal Activity. I'm very impressed with you and how you are dealing and developing these sequels. Maybe there are other people out there that didn't love the first film but are now really nodding along enthusiastically for the second film--AND for the future. What will happen next?

Poltergeist II: When Braces Attack

I'll be straight with you. Poltergeist II stinks. Obviously it pains me to say that as the one of the worlds biggest Poltergeist fanatics but what can one do? Lie? Should I tell you that actually, Poltergeist II contains some of the best writing and acting that I've ever seen in my whole life? That it contains some of the greatest and most convincing special effects known to mankind? That there are no plot holes? That everything makes clear and perfect sense? Of course I can't lie to you! Poltergeist II is horrible. So horrible, that I played Family Feud on my Iphone while watching it.

The Poltergeist II disk I received from Netflix did not play in my laptop (surprise, surprise) so I was forced to watch it on the big electronic box in the living room. I admit, using a DVD player was strange at first but then I remembered how to use it after only a few minutes. It's just like riding a bike! The one major downside of this was that I could not take screenshots, which means that this post will not be as nearly as funny as it should be. And that makes me sad.

Picking up a year from where the first film ended, Poltergeist II again follows the Freeling family as they try to move on with their lives. Apparently, having a near death experience with some spirits, and almost crossing over, yields some very unexpected side effects. For example, people's latent psychic powers suddenly come to be realized. People also age rather quickly over the course of a year. Also in only a years time, every one somehow managed to receive the worst haircut of their life.

Shit is crazy! Anyways, guess what? The spirits are baaack. And so is the human form of the beast himself, Reverend Kane. So yeah, blah blah blah bad spirits, blah blah braces attack, blah tequila worm, blah blah saved by the Grandma?

There's really no way of getting around the fact that the only reason you should be watching Poltergeist II is to experience the obscenely grotesque Reverend Kane.

This guy is terrifying. So terrifying, that he will make you literally pull your face away from the screen. I swear, if you get close enough, you can even smell his denture/old person breath. It also doesn't help things that he talks like some fancy old lady, and looks like a skeleton. He's always creeping around and singing gross Jesus songs and wearing that horribly creepy outfit that reminds me of Colonel Sanders. He peers at you through the screen door and shouts at you when you won't let him in. He is the stuff that nightmares are made of.

Other than Reverend Kane, Poltergeist II is not scary in the slightest. Sure, a few skeletons pop out here and there, and a doll does a creepy thing where she turns her head slowly but that's about it. Everything else? Laughable. Also, none of this movie makes any sense. Things just come flying at you without any warning or logic. Like for example, why are Carol Anne and Robbie still sleeping in the same bedroom? How is it that Robbie manages to himself into the most ridiculous situations ever?

Isn't Carol Anne a little old looking for intimate bathtub time? And P.S., what happened at the end there? No seriously, what WAS that? I think I passed out briefly during it but from what I remember, people were floating and Carol Anne floated slowly away.....then she came back. Is that really all the 'otherside' looks like? If it is, I want my money and my hopes and dreams back.

Anyways, it's really hot outside and the more I think about Poltergeist II the more upset I get. I need an ice bath.

Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed: Werewolf Interrupted

It's been about a year and a half since I last visited the Fitzgerald sisters, despite the many suggestions that I most definitely, have to, must see the sequel. As we know I sometimes feel funny about sequels, but I had made up my mind to give Ginger Snaps 2 a shot. The comments after my first Ginger Snaps viewing ranged from people loving the sequel more, to hating it, to not even seeing it on principle. I wasn't sure what to think but now--consider me on team Ginger Snaps 2.

Here's the thing about Ginger Snaps 2--it's awesome. One of the problems I had with the first film was that Ginger annoyed me. I still can't be sure if it was simply or character or the acting chops of Katharine Isabelle, who seemed to be just a tad too bitchy and mean to really seem very convincing. Ginger Snaps 2 however finds us almost completely in the care of Emily Perkins/Brigitte which is a blessing from high heaven. Katharine Isabelle makes a few cameos here and there but it's all good in the hood. Plus, it makes me sad because I remember how touching that last part of Ginger Snaps was and then I think of MY sister and I get all weepy and mopey.

Ginger Snaps 2 takes place at some point after the events of the first film. Brigitte is trying to cope with the after affects of injecting herself with her sister's blood--and has developed a dependency on the monkshood. The herbs apparently are just delaying the disease however and we soon find that a mysterious werewolf has been stalking Brigitte. After she overdoses on the monkshood one night, and her brief companion is killed by the other werewolf, Brigitte wakes up and finds herself in a rehab clinic. With no easy way to get the monkshood or escape--Brigitte soon realizes that she is running out of time.

The best thing about Ginger Snaps 2 is that it is a sequel that has a brain. This isn't simply a rehashing of all the best parts about the original. Instead, it rather intelligently takes the premise and offers up a completely new and intriguing side to things--and it does this in one of the most unpredictable ways I have ever seen. When I saw the first film, I quipped how funny it was that monkshood turned into this crazy heroin-like drug. Well, obviously... that was obvious and the whole idea that Brigitte wakes up in a drug rehabilitation center is absolutely perfect. Perfect because it puts a whole new urgency on Brigitte's situation. It's also like combining Girl Interrupted with werewolves which is kind of awesome.

But here's the thing about this drug addiction concept. When I first read the synopsis I pictured in my head some mass hysteria involving Brigitte turning into a werewolf and slowly but surely, the patients and staff would be killed by some beast. This would be the predictable route. However--Ginger Snaps 2 does NOT go there. It instead continues to keep its focus on Brigitte and on the nature of her disease and her desire to stop it. The film does not sacrifice the story line and more importantly the characterization, in order to make the film more entertaining. Bonus points all over the place.

The other reason that makes Ginger Snaps 2 completely awesome is of course the presence of Emily Perkins. Why is she so amazing? I have no clue--but this girl can act. Why isn't she in more things, and more importantly--did you know she's 33?! Not during this but still...she wasn't 17 or whatever. But damn she has some DEPTH, and it blows my mind throughout the entire film. I guess I could be considered as an impartial judge to which Ginger Snaps is better--but I don't know. I think Emily Perkins makes Ginger Snaps 2 slightly if not much more better than the first. After all, my only real complaint with the first film was that it needed MORE Emily Perkins. Wish granted.

There's a lot of people divided on the ending of Ginger Snaps 2 however and to be honest I'm kind of on the fence. One of things people told me about Ginger Snaps 2 whether they loved or hated it, was that the ending was depressing. I didn't necessarily find the ending to be depressing (unless if by depressing they meant, annoying) but after doing more thinking about it, I don't necessarily hate it. In my head I envisioned something much different, like something perhaps with suicide or what have you--but what we got stayed true to Ginger Snaps 2 an its overall philosophy of the true nature of being a beast. It adds once more to the intelligence surrounding the film and once again doesn't sacrifice its themes for entertainment purposes. So I don't know. I JUST DON'T KNOW. Topic for the comments I suppose.

Overall, Ginger Snaps 2 is a truly surprising sequel. There's a lot to think about and a lot to love. It's unbelievably well written and for once dialogue is natural AND oddly hilarious at the same time. Sure, the overall cool darkness of the Fitzgerald sisters is absent--but Ginger Snaps 2 is mature. This is fitting because if you recall, Ginger Snaps had a lovely subtopic framed around the idea of menstruation and growing up. Consider Ginger Snaps 2 an ultimate portrayal of life once you realize that you're grown up and have to you know...do things for yourself. So maybe we aren't turning into wolves. But we are paying bills, student loans and trying to find a job so that our cats won't die. Same thing basically.

My advice to you is watch Ginger Snaps 2. Tis awesome, surprising and a real lesson in how to make a sequel not completely blow. Plus there are wolves. And a strange masturbation scene. And funniness. And AWESOME things. Just watch it. That is all.

Friday the 13th Part III: You Stink

Friday the 13th Part III is not a very good movie. It's not like I expect any of the F13's to be cinematic masterpieces, but somehow Part 3 falls way below my threshold for bad movies. I've been doing some thinking and I'm pretty sure it's because Jason's new clothes hold him back from being very scary. Sometimes he looks like he's trying really hard not to rip his brand new button up and that just ain't right.

Part three picks up immediately after the events of part two. In case you forgot what happened at the end of the 2nd film, don't worry. We get to live through it all again! Since F13 does this, I am pleased to announce the first five minutes of any F13 movie (except the first) can be used to read a book or pet my cat. Woohoo! So yeah, blah blah stuff happened. Now Jason has taken refuge in a nearby lake house abode, inhabited by some rowdy kids who want to have sex and smoke pot.

Jason is apparently "nursing" his wounds in the barn but the real question remains--when did he find the time to get a hair cut?

Plus he grew again! How strange. Actually, I have many questions surrounding the events of Part three but this is really the one that will keep me up at night. I keep envisioning Jason worrying that the police will identify him because of his hair so he does what any normal person would do and shaves it. Of course the real problem is that his only true identifying feature is his grotesque and deformed face which oddly enough he does nothing about. He's so interesting that Jason!

The gang of rowdy kids in this installment is unusual too. There's a fat, ugly guy named Shelly who somehow gets hooked up with a wildly attractive woman.

There's a pair of stoners that I completely forgot existed until halfway through the movie. Then there's also this gang of bikers who have a short temper.

One may ask--what is that trio doing around the area known as Camp Crystal Lake? They don't seem like the outdoors type. Yes, Friday the 13th is full of unusual questions and scenarios. So much so, that I can't even concentrate on writing a real review unless I talk about them.

---How exactly does one survive an attack by Jason and still live? Technically, Jason follows the rule of perusing someone until they are dead. Why didn't he follow Chris back to her parents house and then kill them all?

---If you need proof that Jason is a serial killer, look no further than the simple fact that he kills animals. That's the number one warning sign according to everyone that has ever talked about serial killers. Those poor bunnies, did they really deserve that?

---Why is the fact that ugly fat guy Shelly and hot woman return from the store with a damaged VW bug never discussed? Unless I missed it--there was no discussion of what happened to them or Rick's car. I would be a little peeved if someone borrowed my car, only to get in a tiff with the only biker gang in a 100 mile radius and have them break all the windows. Instead, Rick is more concerned about not having charged the battery enough.

---Is being allergic to pot a real thing?

---What exactly is going on with Ali? The first time Jason got him he just started hacking away at something. Then at the end, Chris is "rescued" by Ali who jumps up apparently undisturbed until Jason hacks off his arm and then hacks away at the rest of him.

So if nothing was hacked away the first time, what the hell was Jason hacking away at?! I'm so confused!

---STOP FALLING ASLEEP IN CANOES. This is never a good thing, especially since one who falls asleep in canoes is prone to hallucinating once they wake up.

--- Mrs. Voorhees? Really?

This little added snippet at the end was an insult to just about everyone in the world. I find it very hard to believe that the wandering body of Mrs. Voorhees, found her head that was safely resting in Jason's love shack, sewed it back onto her head and then picked her sweater off the floor of the love shack and put it back on. Then she what, went for a dip in the lake so she could have her chance at thrills again? No sense! No sense! It's insulting because, Chris has no idea who Mrs. Voorhees is and we know that that is really not possible. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

So as you can see, I was pretty much annoyed throughout the better part of part three. Again, I don't expect brilliance from any of the F13 films, but at least Part two was actually entertaining (mostly because a guy in a wheelchair was killed and rolled down the stairs). Part three is awful. The acting and the writing are about 20 points lower than most awful movies and to top it all off, it is one of the most boring films I've ever experienced.

There are about 100 fake outs that are responsible for more jolting than the actual kills and that to me is a problem. I don't care if fat guy Shelly is a prankster, nor do I care about Rick and Chris' "past" and I definitely don't care about how you have sex in a hammock.

Lucky for part three, the kills are pretty entertaining. Especially that time Andy was walking on his hands and got "split"

and that other time sexy woman got a spear gun in her eye.

Nice shout out to Tom Savini in Fangoria that the hammock woman reads--

and big ups to Crazy Ralph who is hopefully still resting in peace. Lucky for these kids, there is still another crazy vagrant ready to warn people about their upcoming dangers. This man however is nowhere near as smart and old hollywood as Ralph. He doesn't ride a bike, and he sleeps in the middle of the road. He also has a random eyeball that he likes to hold. It's kind of weird.

Yeah bad moves Part three, I don't like you! I did sort of like when Jason was in the window--

but I mean....too little too late I'm afraid.

Hellbound: Hellraiser II: Help Me Understand You

There are many different questions that float around my head every single day. What does David Lynch think about when he's peeing? Why am I the only person who doesn't believe in Lucio Fulci? What business does an owl have eating a Tootsie Roll Pop? Why is my cat's head so small? Questions that have been plaguing me since I first became a woman (I was 11 and it was a rainy day).

But perhaps the most frustrating of questions, the question that wakes me up in the middle of night and the question that makes me want to shake Jeeves for not explaining it better is---What the hell are you talking about Hellraiser 2? I've seen it about 5 times and every single time I leave the realm of Hell feeling more and more confused. What am I so confused about? I think the better question is why are potato chips so delicious? AND ALSO what am I not confused about?

The following is an actual transcript from my head while watching Hellbound: Hellraiser II. Some names and places have been changed because I don't remember what their names are.

Also, please keep explanations relating to "The novella" to yourself. If you can't explain something in the film using the film than newsflash, it doesn't make sense.

Your Boyfriend Was Meaningless to the Plot So He's Gone!

Kirsty wakes up alone and sad in the Channard Institute. Visions of what she just went through race through her head when suddenly she wonders---what happened to my boyfriend?

Don't worry, they sent her boyfriend home hours ago. Say what? How does that make sense? Putting aside the fact that the actor who played that guy either died or decided he had better roles to play---that is the worst explanation for the absence of a character that I have ever seen.

First of all, he witnessed all those demon shenanigans too and I'll be damned if he wasn't also spitting out "tall tales" of almost being killed by this thing, when he woke up.

Second of all. Weren't these two just found in the ruins of a major crime scene? Yes, let's let your boyfriend go because he could never possibly be a suspect. Don't these people watch crime shows? Don't they know that when a girl hates her stepmother she always has her boyfriend kill her? Gosh.

Anyways this is always my first confusion. Kirsty's boyfriend (I'll pretend his name is...Bill.) Bill, where the hell did you go? And why doesn't Kirsty care about you?

Haven't You Ever Heard of AIDS?

Here's a good one. Imagine that you lay awake in the Channard Institute alone and upset. Suddenly a heater begins whistling and you see your father. Well it MIGHT be your father or it could be your mean Uncle pretending to be him, whatever. The point is--if you saw your skinless father writing a message to you on the wall in his gooey muscle blood, what would ever possess you to touch the blood.........and then taste some?

Yuck indeed. What was she hoping to accomplish there? If by tasting it she could magically tell if it was really her father? I guess Kirsty is more powerful than we thought.

Stop Lying, You Know Nothing

I have always been so fascinated by how Hellraiser II basically recounts the entire plot of the first movie within 5 minutes. It's so magical that I even saw Hellraiser II first before I ever saw Hellraiser and I don't regret a second of it because Hellraiser II was so thorough. Anyways thanks to this ingenious plot re-hashing device, we now are convinced that Kirsty is a liar.

She explains things to doctor with a big nose--that we didn't even understand.

Let's recount what really happened huh? Kirsty thought Julia was cheating on her father. Kirsty found out that Julia had killed the man she was supposed to be having sex with. Kirsty then meets skinless Uncle Frank. Skinless Uncle Frank frightens her, she runs away. Kirsty finds the puzzle box, has no idea what it is, throws it out the window and then faints and blah blah opens the puzzle box, and meets the cenobites. The cenobites tell her nothing. She really should have no fucking clue who these loonies dressed in pleather are. Blah blah blah she goes back to her house blah blah Frank gets nabbed by the cenobites. The End. But guess what? Technically, Kirsty should still have no fucking clue what just happened.

She tells the doctor with the big nose things like, "Julia brought Frank men to make him stronger" and even name drops the cenobites while meanwhile I'm thinking wait a minute..you don't know their proper names. And somehow she knows that the mattress must be destroyed because Julia could come back? But how on earth would she draw that conclusion from the little information she had? As far as she knew, Frank flew in on a jet plane. How would she possibly know that Frank died in that attic and only came back because blood spilt on the floor where he died?

Yeah that's what I thought. Lies! Gee Kirsty...you sure know an awful lot about something you don't know anything about.

Butch Today, Gone Tomorrow

This always bothers me the most. Remember how awful Julia's hair cut is in the first film? Well if you don't I'll remind you.

There see it's awful.

Anyways, after she gets reformed out of the mattress, she magically receives her old skin back. And her hair is long and pretty now.

Why? Is that really fair? Isn't hell a terrible place? I mean gosh if I knew you could magically get hotter and get whatever hair cut you wanted while there, I would have broken the law sooner.

We Need a Puzzle Solver to Solve the Puzzle Box!

Why does it always seem like to me, that the elusive puzzle box is extremely easy to solve? All you have to do is turn the dial thing until the box moves, and then pull it up, twist it and push it down into the corresponding slots. Really, not that difficult. If Frank, Kirsty and Pinhead's former self, could all do it on their own, then I think Dr. Channard---who by the way is a doctor so obviously he's you know...smart....I think that maybe just maybe he could solve it on his own.

But nope, nope, we need someone who is really good at puzzles to do it!

It Is Not Hands That Call Us. It Is Desire.

When Tiffany finally opens the puzzle box and the cenobites come, they ready themselves to rip apart a new soul. That is, until Pinhead says NO NO NO NO. He tells them they will not be ripping Tiffany's soul apart because, "It is not hands that call us. It is desire".

Hmmmmm interesting. I don't remember Kirsty having a deep desire to see what Hell was like and yet, you were pretty dead set on ripping her soul apart when she accidentally summoned you. Hypocrites.

Also, aren't you demons of the underworld? You honestly can't locate Channard in your own hell to go rip his soul apart? It's not like he's that far away, he just left like 2 seconds ago, you can catch him Pinhead!

Queen of the Underworld?

Apparently between the time of her death and her descent into Hell, Julia became the queen of the underworld? Can anyone tell me why? Why the hell does she get to be queen of the underworld? She had no interest in hell, was killed on a technicality and it just doesn't make any sense.

In fact this whole journey into hell doesn't make any sense. Apparently according to people that study this movie and pay attention--Julia was sent on a mission to get Dr. Channard down there so he could become a cenobite too. Oh ok, so it was all planned? Interesting. From here on out, the entire concept of hell and its layout completely loses me. I guess hell isn't really scary at all because it's just a giant labyrinth with empty hallways.

Meanwhile the cenobites turn into wimpy losers that can be killed (?) by the Channard cenobite.

This is perhaps where I am always the most confused. First of all why are you killing Pinhead?

Second of all, how is that even possible? As much as I generally enjoy Hellraiser II this part always frustrates me. I don't like this sudden humanization of Pinhead. Sure, it's interesting to know about his origins but do we really have to have him almost protect the well being of Kirsty?

Can't we just leave him alone? And Channard, can't you just get along with the other demons? Jeesh.

I mean, I could go on for hours about my confusion revolving around this film. Like, I don't understand how there are different divisions of hell and how Frank has his own little lair. Is he even suffering in there? Doesn't look like it to me. Isn't he suppose to be having his soul ripped to shreds? Why is he still in one piece? Questions, questions, questions.

Alright look, I realize it may seem like I don't love Hellraiser II. But I do. It for a very long time was the only horror movie sequel that I had ever seen. I enjoy it for its imagery mostly--there are things in this, that at times seem out of place. Like if I did a screen grab contest and used a few of these, you would be very confused. But then there's also imagery that is just so fitting. As confusing and nonsensical as hell is, it most certainly feels like some kind of hell and perhaps that is what I enjoy the most.

Yes there are plenty of grey areas but who cares as long we can still somewhat enjoy it. And I'll admit that in most of these cases, it's just me being an idiot. I can't help it if I always get confused about whether or not they are actually out of hell towards the end there. I also can't help it if none of it actually makes sense. It's not Hellraiser right?

Ooh Hellraiser II. There may in fact just be too much going on, but we love you anyways. I think. Who really knows? Not me obviously.