Rob Zombie's Halloween: Or John Carpenter's Halloween; Special Trailer Trash Edition.

WARNING THIS POST CONTAINS ANGST.

I didn't really have any gripes concerning Rob Zombie until I finally saw his remake of Halloween...but oh did that change quickly. While it certainly focuses much more on Michael Myers than the original did- I think it relies far too much on that damn Michael Myers, and reveals too much of what makes Michael Myers especially creepy. More importantly- the overall creepy seasonal feeling of Halloween pours out of the original, while in RZ's you would barely know that it was Halloween at all. There is a moment in the original when Dr. Loomis is walking the streets trying to find out where Michael went, and we see the remanents of toliet paper strewn in the trees, and the wind blowing it in this eerie manner. It's exactly the atmosphere of the end of a Halloween night. Where as a kid you felt that maybe you were out a little too late- and were worried about running into that gang of pumpkin smashers. There is that moment of the night when things stop being about fun and candy and start getting scary- and Halloween captures that. All I got out of RZ's was trash trash and more trash. Oh and Michael was flicking some candy corn there for a while...neat.

Let's begin with what we are suppose to know about Michael Myers. He killed his sister, he likes clowns maybe, he steals headstones, and idolizes William Shatner. By only knowing those things, Michael Myers is an enigma that is terrifying on his own. We don't need bullshit reasons why Michael Myers is the way he is. So he had a crappy childhood... wha wha- I'm going to kill my pet rat because my Mom's trashy boyfriend called me gay. I don't buy it. If he is supposedly "pure evil" as Dr. Loomis would say then I feel like he doesn't or even shouldn't have a reason to be so. If you're evil you're evil. You don't wake up one day and feel mad about things then go beating up bullies with sticks.

On the same sort of topic- can we please stop casting Sheri Moon Zombie in important roles. I figured she was pretty OK as Baby Firefly- delightfully creepy and childish- but then I realized watching this, that that whiny high pitched voice thing she does is just natural! She's not playing a character, that's how she acts! I honestly thought I was just watching Baby Firefly and Sheriff Wydell's life 15 years into the future. The swearing every 3 seconds thing gets annoying real fast.

Moving on from there why why why does Michael have to kill Laurie's parents?! Is this the big dramatic change that Rob Zombie was going for so that he could justify remaking this film? Not only are you spilling the beans on Laurie's history a little too soon, it's just completely unnecessary.

And my final gripe is Laurie. Why in God's name would you ever cast this girl as the lead in your movie? She looks like she's 12, acts like she's 7, wears ugly glasses- and goes from making inappropriate remarks involving bagels and her mom- to being a sweet innocent girl and worried about shouting things to strangers. I did not buy that A. parents would let her babysit their children and that B she is suppose to be our virginal heroine. Honestly where did she learn to babysit? Let's scare the kid as much as I can and be a sarcastic arsehole to him the entire time....because oh right believing in the Boogeyman is an unrealistic thing for a kid to believe in.

I was looking forward to seeing this because I did take something away from RZ's previous films. This movie spent way too much time with Michael's history and then quickly regurgitated the original movie remixed with crappy acting and stupidity. I just don't understand why everything in RZ's world has to be so trashy. Why can't Michael Myers just decide he wants to kill people? Isn't that scarier and more fitting to the definition of unexplainable and pure evil? My advice to Mr. Rob is; stop casting your friends in every single movie you do- and go back to originality and stay very clear of patterns. Nobody cares that you're shocking. By now most of us have seen Martyrs and I'm afraid no amount of swearing, rape scenes, or rat brutality is going to shake us.

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The Devil's Rejects: Baby Could Do With a New Pair of Pants.

My history with the Devil's Rejects has always been a sad one. On one fine October month both House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects was on free movies on demand. I had watched the first and found myself enjoying it more than the common fan but when it came time to watch The Devil's Reject I only got about as far as the motel room scene before I had to turn it off. Settle down, it wasn't because it was too intense for me but you know the college years- papers, annoying people coming over your house to drink- things happen and sometimes you have to pause an on demand free movie. As luck would have it however, The Devil's Rejects was gone by the next time I tried to watch it! Those A-holes. I checked every single month after that and still nothing. And it wasn't until now when I have a steady job and a Netflix membership that I could finally enjoy the peace and solitude and all around closure that is- The Devil's Rejects.

People are obsessed with how much better this movie is than House of 1000 Corpses. For me I find the overall environment and creepiness to be much higher in House of 1000, but the cinematic value higher in Devils. This movie really focuses on what makes that Firefly family tick and shows how I guess maybe they are real people underneath all that bad teeth and necrophilia. The family dynamic is still alive and well- there are brother and sister squabbles, father and son disagreements and resentments, and of course the ever popular badly burned and disfigured brother with a contradictory name.

For me what surprised me the most however was the harsh turn that things take towards the end. The Firefly's don't make the best victims. in fact I was entirely disappointed with the way they handled being on the other side of things. A few staples in the tummy and you go ahead and cry like a sissy Otis? I wanted them to laugh and enjoy the pain- kind of like how Morticia orgasms when she is being tortured in the Addams Family. Mother Firefly came somewhat close- but those 3 in the chair at the end...man grow some fucking balls already. I'm not sure if we were meant to feel bad for them but I just really got annoyed by the end.

The redeeming factor is of course the last scene- which the perfect action I would have expected them to take. Going out with guns blazing. Having them be the victim is too lame and doesn't offer up anything different from the ordinary- "oooh I'm a bad guy and am going to hurt you" scenario.

I found the best scenes to be in the beginning and middle. The dialogue and comedy that comes out of it is great and I just LOVE that ice cream scene. I also enjoyed when Spaulding takes the Mom's car and asks the little boy if he likes clowns. And then I thought the violence in the beginning was also well done and pretty affecting. The whole motel scene is anxiety provoking but is much too short in my opinion. It seems like things get really intense and then Otis takes the men away for his field trip.

The truck hitting the girl scene is great as well- and all the guts splayed on the road. Then of course the beginning scene perfectly sets up just the kind of family those Firefly's are. Their ancient forms of bullet proofing always crack me up and I love seeing Otis sleep with a dead body- it just really makes me feel all nice and creeped out inside.

Overall I guess i just don't understand all the hype. Yes the movie is wildly entertaining but I was also entertained by House of 1000 Corpses. The lines in this movie are spectacular and it really does show the journey and fall of the family and what they stand for. That I suppose is the draw and while I can appreciate it I just still can't get over the fact that they whined like little babies about a few staples in the gut. Suck it up Firefly's.

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House of 1000 Corpses: Why Would You Ever Eat That Guy's Fried Chicken?

For some reason a lot of people do not like this movie. I think for the most part they expected something better and bloodier and more outrageous from Rob Zombie which of course they soon got with the Devil's Rejects. I for one, do not have any problem with this movie, although it does get a bit dodgy there at the end-but I think there are some really great scenes and an overall nightmarish quality that resonates throughout.

Dwight Schrute and his semi fat girlfriend plus his other friend and his better looking girlfriend are into roadside attractions. They happen upon one run by Captain Spaulding where he has a lovely death ride AND he sells fried chicken too. The death ride is creepy and once again utilizes one of the creepier scare tactics, for me at least-wax figures. Here on display are various scenes of murder and death. The scariest being Dr. Satan who the group takes an interest in and soon learn the tree where he was hung is not too far down the road. Perhaps what is most surprising is that Captain Spaulding doesn't kill them and only wants to sell them fried chicken. Granted he did lead them to Dr. Satan's hanging tree and later to their demise, it is very unique that he really just likes to get people to take the death ride.

While on the hunt they come across a hitchhiker who is just a little too hot, and little too annoying to be normal. This is Baby and when their car breaks down she leads them to her house. At first they are welcomed albeit a little creeped out but then things start getting too creepy for anyone to handle. Dwight Schrute gets mutilated and turned into a human fish sculpture and the family dresses the rest in bunny costumes and later belays them down into a pit full of zombie like creatures and apparently right into Dr. Satan's lair. It's all good fun.

And so we have of course the delightful Firefly family. A very very crazy and disturbing family. They like to sleep with dead bodies, eat dead bodies, drink their blood, skin off people's skin and wear it as masks, and stab the shit out of people dressed as bunnies. One of the most unsettling things is how in the beginning it takes kind of a long time for the real terror to begin. Sure there are warning signs with the scary deformed brother and the fetus jar on the table at dinner time but for the most part it seems like these people have just stumbled upon a couple of off beat weirdos.

I say the end is a little dodgy because I don't really buy into the whole Dr. Satan thing. I guess he could still be alive and hung on wires like that but it was kind of too extreme or something. There also aren't really 1000 corpses anywhere, as we find in the Devil's Rejects the real number of dead bodies doesn't get that high. But other than that I find that this movie reminds me of a terrible terrible nightmare. It's like I can smell the house or something, and there is that constant feeling of never really being able to escape. This is further realized at the end when the OK looking girlfriend flags down a car only to find that it belongs to Captain Spaulding. Yeah. As a general rule-never flag down the first car you see because it's always who you don't want it to be.

All in all I think this movie is disturbing and although a little scattered brained here and there it still comes up with some great moments and visually is a terrifying atmosphere. The Firefly family ranks right up there with the Hills Clan and makes us all hope and pray that we never encounter them.