Frozen: Fucking Wolves!

I've been putting off watching Frozen for a very, very long time. This is because I, like many intelligent people, believe that snow is the 3rd most evil thing in the entire world behind sharks and the Emergency Alert System.

But after endless amounts of praise from my friends and after tireless provoking from my cat, I decided that it was finally time. Luckily for me, the Final Girl Film Club was in fact featuring Frozen for this month's film and I could think of no time like the present to finally give it a shot. Why I chose today to watch it, whilst shivering in my bed thanks to my drafty windows is beyond me, but nevertheless I have seen Frozen and lived to tell the tale.

Frozen is one of those films that you never really want to watch again. The same thing happened to me after I watched Matilda. I just didn't think I could withstand that scene where Matilda is hiding in Trunchbull's house ever again (I'm not joking that scene is intense). Frozen creates that same feeling of dread. Watching the film is an ordeal--it's a test of your will and it prevents you from really enjoying your President's Day. I don't mean of course that Frozen is a bad film--it most certainly is not. But it's not what I would deem a pleasant movie experience.

Hopefully you've heard the story by now. Three students are skiing and snowboarding and after bribing the ski lift man for one last run before the mountain closes--a misunderstanding results in their being stuck on the ski lift. Since it's Sunday and the mountain doesn't open again till the weekend, the three are pretty much doomed to freeze.

Now is a good as time as any to tell you that I hate skiing, snowboarding and any sport done in the snow. In fact, the first time I was ever on a ski lift was this summer at a wedding--there was no snow and all was good. Frozen is kind of like my worst nightmare except instead of sharks being in the snow there are wolves. Who suck terribly I should add but more on them later.

Here is why I appreciate Frozen. Adam Green, whom many know is responsible for Hatchet and Hatchet II aka a movie I'm not a huge fan of because it's just not my schtick, has flipped expectations on their head. Frozen is like an antidote to Hatchet. It's quiet, it's controlled and it's even oddly striking and beautiful at times. It's well written, there are no boobs---and shit actually gets scary. Frozen is a film that most anyone who didn't like Hatchet, should find effective. And it is--so effective. There's all this great foreshadowing and talk of the worst way to die and then we are forced to later watch what could quite possibly be considered the 4th worst way to die. The sight of a scurrying wolf makes our stomach lurch and the sudden and unexpected discovery of a hand stuck to a safety bar creates the worst possible feeling of agony you can ever imagine.

On Saturday night I walked down the street with no socks on and I thought I was going to die. Imagine being stuck on a ski lift for 2 days in the blistering, brutal and bull shitting cold. Frost bite! Ice boogers! I mean, that really, really sucks. Being that we too are stuck on the ski lift with them, we undergo this similar kind of agony. We are forced to endure their plight just as they are forced to endure the cold. It's a really, really simple tactic that works wonders.

Now...about these wolves. Man, fuck those wolves. They ruin everything! I really, really hated them. I was half expecting to exit my apartment later and find one snarling at me as I went to get the mail. And you know what I find really, really interesting about those wolves? Even though we've seen them several times throughout the movie, their appearance is never any less menacing. Every time they pop up we are still filled with that same sense of fear and hopelessness. It's like all could be fine and dandy in the world and then one snarl of a wolf could send our entire lives into a downward spiral straight to hell. FUCKING WOLVES! They drove me mad with their wild beast faces.

So even though I despise the cold and the snow, Frozen is one of the most effective contained surroundings horror films I have ever seen. That was a long descriptive sentence that I'm pretty sure made no sense, but just so you know--it's true. Aside from a few dry spots, there was pure emotion and really great acting on everyone's parts.

The first victim especially--is one hell of a moving and horrifying scene to watch. Overall, Frozen left me feeling really exhausted as I imagine our last remaining character also felt.

The best thing about Frozen however is that it's quiet. It takes its time to establish a true sense of horror and doesn't slam it in our faces with buckets of blood and gore. There IS gore I should add, and it is some of the worst you will come across because it's agonizing and slow. It made me physically wince and regret eating that slice of delicious pizza only moments before. So in closing, I am glad I have finally sucked up the courage and watched Frozen. I may never watch it again because I don't see myself wanting to go through it all again--but I can say that it is a great film and a refreshing spin on a genre so over crowded with boobs and stupidity. I still hate the snow--but Adam Green, I like you more now. Emergency Alert System---you still are the worst. And sharks? I think you know where you stand.

Hellbound: GET OFF ME SUCKA!

I was a little nervous when Stacie assigned the Chuck Norris-centric Hellbound for this months Final Girl Film Club. For one reason or another I never got on board with all that Chuck Norris business. I mean I can appreciate it and all but I feel like things got a little over played when it hit its hey day. Watch a film like this however and it's easy to understand why things developed the way they did--Chuck Norris is fucking ridiculous. By using an easy math equation one would assume that Chuck Norris in a horror/action film where he is up against Satan's emissary would be pretty amazing. Something however does not quite add up and Hellbound just turns into a giant ridiculous mess. Oh wait a minute....I did the equation wrong--that WAS the expected outcome! In that case, Hellbound rules!

Our film begins with your typical Star Wars knock off vertical scrolling bar.

It tells us the basic information setting up the plot-- I'm not sure why those plot points couldn't have been described to us via regular text on the screen but...oh well. Apparently, Satan's emissary, Prosatanos is called to rid the world of its inhabitants when there is weakness and despair or something. Prosatanos attempted to do this during the Crusades but luckily King Arthur was there to thwart his plans. In the 1950s a couple of hoodlums broke into the tomb and accidentially unleashed Prosatanos. Now in 1994, Prosatanos has reclaimed the pieces of his mystical scepter and is ready to bring about the end of the world--again. That is of course, unless detectives Shatter and Jackson put a stop to it.

Right off the bat things got a little kooky when King Arthur and his men were suddenly doing battle with creepy face Mcgee and a bunch of red faced and cloaked Darth Maul impersonators.

Things got even kookier when I realized that Chuck Norris' partner is none other than Joe Gipp from Adventures in Babysitting, which just happens to be my family's collective favorite movie.

I should point out that because of this I will refer to him as Joe Gipp. Don't be confused. These two have just a swell good cop, bad cop, black cop, white cop, thing going on and isn't it just lovely. Isn't it just so funny when Joe Gipp says something zany??

I was also pretty surprised to find that Christopher Neame played Prosatanos himself. Christopher Neame for those of you that do not know plays Johnny Alucard--a disciple of Dracula in Dracula A.D. 1972.

Apparently the man is always just creepy enough to be some evil perons's sidekick but never the evil person...interesting. This guy in case you didn't realize is really really strange looking.

He creeped me out when he was younger and he still has the ability now. Perhaps what makes it even worse is that Prosatanos gets to wear an absolutely hideous wig and have long fingernails painted white. Hooray!

The film's set up is strange. We get sort of an action/detective story hybrid. When Prosatanos kills, he does it with what is apparently a lot of demon angst. Whether this is due to his demise at the hands of King Arthur or because he is balding, we'll never know. Regardless, he likes to do things in a big way and then at the end he tacks on his crazy face for good measure. Observe when he pulls a Rabbi's heart out of his chest.

Gosh he's so demonic. Oh! I almost forgot, when he's really angry and really being a demon he uses his deep demonic voice. Which is as we all know your standard synthesized angry demonic voice. A true treat.

Once our pal Chuck and Joe Gipp decided that what they are dealing with isn't necessarily from this world, they head to Israel to find out more. Here is where our film turns into a bit of a comedic bromance. My favorite thing about the film overall was when they would play this kooky Israeli music whenever something funny was happening. Really great stuff. For instance...when the Israeli cop was driving too fast and Joe Gipp said he was a shitty driver...*kooky Israeli music* and then when there was that GREAT chase scene when looking for the kid that stole Gipp's wallet *kooky Isreli music*. Honestly, it was the greatest thing ever.

Basically in terms of Chuck Norris awesomeness this film is kind of a letdown. There is simply way too much down time. If you need to introduce some Israeli kid who knows about the secrets of Israel, why do you have to force us to watch 20 minutes of him stealing a wallet, and Chuck Norris trying to get it back. Just have him be there god dammit. Oh sorry I forgot we needed that scene because how else could we possibly end the movie without a freeze frame of the kid stealing Gipp's wallet AGAIN.

Silly me.

There is also not a lot of action, which is surprising for an action sort of film. The final fight scene is kind of whomp whomp in my opinion. The little Darth Mauls are back, Joe Gipp gets tossed about 15 times and lives, and Chuck Norris kicks Prosantanos a few times before delivering the fatal blow with the scepter. There wasn't any fire or explosions, or cool demon things happening at all. If Chuck Norris is supposed to be fighting a demon, I want him to be fighting a demon and not some guy wearing a bad wig. Where was the excitement? Oh and also this fight scene should probably in be in Hell. Just saying.

When it comes down to it, Hellbound fails to deliver what we really want. We really want fucking Chuck Norris fighting a fucking demon. But nope! Just some silly bromance, an annoying little kid and more dectectiving (yes I made that word up) than there are sweet moves. I want some sweet moves, is there something so wrong with that? Even in the beginning plot summary it says Prosatanos will prowl the earth with fire and blood. There was a little blood, but really? There was barely any fire, candles don't count. Poor show. I expect fire when dealing with Satan, ya know?

However, here are some of the finer points.

When Prosantanos lifts that guy above his head, I just LOVE how the director (who was Chuck Norris' brother I should add) utilizes this cool shadow technique. Unfortunately, the "body" that Prosantanos is holding looks more like a box with a head.

I'm guessing it probably was a box with a head.

When there was a sweet fight scene in Chuck Norris' apartment, there was a convenient thunder and lightning storm to make things look really neat.

When the fighting stopped, so did the lightning! It was like a miracle.

Only seconds before Prosantanos' demise, he shows off his cool demon powers by teleporting from place to place so that Joe Gipp can never shoot him. For some reason, when the scepter is across the room and Prosantanos must reach it before Chuck can, Prosantanos thinks the best way to get there is by awkwardly running.

Umm hellooo use your cool teleportation powers dude.

All in all, I think Hellbound secretly wanted to be an Indiana Jones movie. All the elements are there...heart being ripped out, silly local kid, useless woman, archaeology--it's quite clear. Unfortunately the film will have to remain what it is--a less than stellar action flick with a less than stellar demon and some less than stellar moves. Sorry Chuck. It's just that I expected more from the man who was responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs...

Revisiting The House of the Devil

A few weeks ago Stacie Ponder asked me a very interesting question. It went something like this: Andre, why the crap haven't you done the Final Girl Film Club yet? Ok well she didn't say the crap I don't think, but I know she wanted to. The truth was I couldn't really give a decent answer except for that I was just really lazy. So in order to avoid more crapping craps, I've decided to roll out of bed and do my first ever Film Club post.

Now, I watched and reviewed The House of the Devil back in November. But that was when I was less talented and better looking. And plus I much prefer a new and refreshing view on things as opposed to simply sending Stacie a link to my old review (plus that's not really the best way to get over being lazy). So I've decided to revisit The House of the Devil thanks in large part to The House of the Devil DVD I won at All Things Horror's screening in February (it helps if you know the people putting on the screening) (just kidding I answered a question correctly to win it!) (I CAN'T HELP IT IF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THEIR HORROR TRIVIA!)

I always get worried that when I really, really like a film it won't be as good after a second viewing. Rest assured though, it turns out that I gained an even better appreciation after the second viewing and noticed a bunch of things that I didn't before. For instance, I didn't notice last time that I was a complete moron. Seriously, someone must have roofied my water when I wasn't looking because I totally thought that Sam's roommate and her friend were the same person! I know. Ridiculous. Also I didn't notice THIS "Lost Cat" poster next to the Babysitter needed sign....

Genius.

And I sure as hell didn't notice how DEMONIC this sink faucet was.

Ok that one I just made up, but it does kind of look like the Devil would have that for his sink right? I mean it IS his house after all so I'd assume he would have a hand in decorating.

Anywho. As you've probably figured out by now The House of the Devil is not for everyone. It is as what many would call it, a "slow burner". That means that it's boring for people who gage interest and entertainment by cup size and body count. In the time that most people felt bored, I felt increasingly anxious. The beauty of a slow burn type of film like this, is that it forces you to create tension in your own unique way. There are gaps in places where jump scares and loud and alarming music would be. It is because of those gaps that we start to feel more and more anxious as the film progresses. It's almost a delayed sort of fear. A great example and sort of metaphor for this is after Sam makes the telephone call from the pay phone, hangs it up and then walks away. Since the camera is focused so diligently on the phone we expect it to ring.

But a few seconds go by, a brief amount of time has passed and still no ring. We start to close the door on the whole pay phone ringing scenario and expect the scene to fade out when...RING! The phone does end up ringing.

The same can be said for how the absence of any real sort of straight faced fear creates tension by default. We expect it to be there and when it is not we feel like something is wrong. But that is in fact how The House of the Devil ends up creating tension. It's practically like reverse psychology. Then there is of course the simple method of giving us the title House of the Devil and having Sam be in a house....presumably of the "devil". Therefore we know that she is doomed and staying with her until she really starts to understand that fact is pretty terrifying.

All of this and more is how The House of the Devil works for me. Of course it's not like that for everyone and I respect that.

I do not however think it is a perfect movie and I was glad to see that my same dislikes returned during the second showing and surprisingly a new one that I had previously liked. I'm speaking of the ending and the reveal of the grandmother.

On my first viewing I said something like "Wow. I don't think I've ever seen a scarier face" and on this more recent viewing I thought, "Wow. That is kind of a lame looking face". The more I thought about it the more I realized that I hated how supernatural and sunken in her face looked. Why was she basically a walking corpse who was only missing the presence of a few maggots here and there? And P.S. she looks like a carved potato. She took away from the understated yet creepy vibe that Tom Noonan and Mary Woronov created. Sure it may have been scary when splashed across the screen in bursts of strobe light and started spitting blood, but what isn't?

And I hate to say it but I continue to be bothered by Sam's lack of consideration for the house and the mere presence of the mother. She just waltzes all over that house, doing loud things and opening up whatever door strikes her fancy. What a nosy biotch.

Also, I'm happy to report that the hair in the bathtub scene is still one of the creepier things I've seen in the past year.

In fact, I'm actually kind of sad I left it out of my Top 10 Willies list. There's just something about that hair, and its thickness and the later scene of the mother pulling off her wig that just gets me.

I also love the reveal of the dead family in the upstairs room. Since I was such a moron last time I don't think I made as a deep a connection to this fact. Seeing Sam uncover that picture in the closet and then thinking back to when she went into that little boy's bedroom is really one of the more chilling aspects of the film. I guess I never realized how untouched the room had been nor had I bothered to question why there was a child's room in what appeared to be current use. Oh I'm just so silly! But yes. Thinking about what happened to that family,

and more importantly that little boy and the fact that there were still toys out, is horrifying!

Sure it's not perfect, and by its end things start getting really out of control and hokey, but the fact remains that I am still immensely pleased with it overall. Horror fans will of course love the 80s vibe but I myself will always love that poster of the guy with the cat. Yes!