Saturday, December 26, 2009

Hatchet: So That's What Happened to That Bitch Girl From The Addams Family!


Hatchet has been met both with disdain and excitement across the board. While I can appreciate campy slasher movies (obviously since I rate Sleepaway Camp on my top 10 list) Hatchet just did not make me love my life as a horror fan. It bore so much resemblance to 2001 Maniacs and yet I loved 2001 Maniacs- so don't try to tell me it's because I don't enjoy those kinds of movies.

Hatchet centers around a haunted swap tour who's boat capsizes and leaves the occupants stranded in the Louisiana Bayou, supposedly in the area of a unearthly and urban legend inducing killer, Victor Crowley. Victor who is deformed and died a horrible death hunts and brutally kills anyone he comes in contact with. The tour group finds their numbers diminishing as Victor Crowley unleashes his deformed, nasty overall angst on everyone.

I guess my main problem stems from the fact that I found the entire movie to be pretty useless. There was nothing new and exciting here to me and my mind wandered...all the way to my Ipod touch where I played Yahtzee (on a side note I fucking rule at Yahtzee). Let's see.. an urban legend is actually true, people are idiots, killer kills blah blah blah. The gore was pretty gruesome but still nothing stuck out to me. Even in 2001 Maniacs where I would say the gore was on the same level more or less- I found myself actually loving it. The part where the blood splatters the women's umbrellas for instance was great! But in Hatchet I found close to zero of those kinds of moments.

Even the jokes were sub par for a campy slasher film. Sweaty ball jokes and calling someone some funny name for a dick are funny maybe one time. The two porn star girls were awful and not in a oh they are being bad actors on purpose kind of way it was just one big eye roll after another. Despite the fact that Amanda from Addams Family Values (and I think the first one where she plays the girl scout)

shows her boobs every 5 seconds, I just really did not love it.

I guess what I'm trying to voice is that Hatchet wasn't very fun for me. It's not that I'm trying to find meaning or "beautiful blood" moments it just comes down to the fact that I wasn't entertained.- even with a double cameo of Robert Englund and Tony Todd! I hated everyone- especially the main guy who I'm pretty sure was the annoying robot voice guy from Grandma's Boy who was also a giant pain in my ass. I just found there to be no redeeming factors. It was just- boring. The movie ended up becoming a giant game of Where's Victor Crowley now? And what is up with that ending? It was like the ultimate blue balls horror moment.

Bah. So in closing I guess this puts me on the "hated it" side of the Hatchet debate and I just can't understand where all the hype is coming from. I've heard that I must watch Spiral so I will do that and hopefully feel better. Ha I also love that Hatchet poster- Victor Crowley is the next icon of horror??! Yeah right.

Buy Hatchet at Horror Movie Empire!

13 comments:

Bobby Bless said...

yes, the main guy is JP from Grandma's Boy...

Andre said...

Hahah Thanks I figured it out already jeesh!

The Mike said...

Holy crap, that was the Addams Family girl, wasn't it?

I now feel dirty in a marvelous way for having seen that.

Pax Romano said...

I saw this movie a year ago and felt the same way - it was so self aware that it WAS a campy slasher film that it just lost it's way. I don't think I made it to the end to tell you the truth.

Planet of Terror said...

Right on review, this movie was a stinker.

Matt-suzaka said...

I thought it was okay, but I do suggest Spiral over Hatchet any day.

Nicole_Hadaway said...

Wow -- if a cameo by Robert Englund fails to delight, then it must be bad!

Chris Hallock said...

Robert Englund cameos are usually a red flag, imo.

I was also really underwhelmed by this. Way too aware of itself.

However, I am looking forward to Green's Frozen.

the jaded viewer said...

Andre - I'm going to defend Hatchet. It was marketed as old school American horror and it delivered.

Slasher, bloody gruesome, stereotypical character yumminess.

Hatchet came out during the remake-palooza so when I saw it, it was a breath of fresh air.

I mean Victor Crowley is like Jason's 3rd cousin but it brought back those happy feelings of Fthe13th.

Andre said...

Hehe Oh Jaded we always disagree!!
I understand it was meant to be a throwback to old school american horror but I guess it still comes down to the fact that I just wasn't entertained. Oh well !

B-Sol said...

What an overhyped piece of garbage! What I couldn't stand about it was the self-awareness, as Pax pointed out. Adam Green aspired to be just like the shitty '80s slasher flicks he loves so much, and guess what--he succeeded in making a movie just as lame and pointless as the worst of them. Congrats!

Mike Snoonian said...

I thought this was all right at best. The Scream movies get blasted for being too self aware and self referential, and that's the biggest problem this film has. The kills were a lot of fun and there's one hilarious screne (Crowley gets lit on fire, only to be doused by a flash rainstorm moments later)but aside from that there's not too much to go on.

Why is it when directors brag about bringing back "old school" horror they only ape the worst aspects of those movies?

Andre said...

Ha yeah that's the other thing that worries me...if this is a throwback to old school horror...then yikes. The difference is that I love old school horror and hate this.