Saturday, July 31, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
So how did my completely insane fear of sharks begin? Unfortunately I cannot point to a specific incident (I did not return from a shark attack armless yet brawny) rather, I can point to a series of memories. One of my earliest was when I was in some kind of permit office with my Dad. On the wall was a vast collection of shark jaw bones, the largest one being bigger than I was. I can’t really determine if this was a dream or something that actually happened, but its memory continues to persist. In the next memory I was making a sandwich when I peered into the living room to see what all the screaming was about. On the screen, a girl had jumped into the water to rescue a little boy and as she climbed back in the boat the shark came and swallowed her whole. I would later come to realize that this moment was in fact from Jaws 2 which meant nothing except that NO Jaws movies were safe.
After that I remember hiding underneath a scratchy and hot wool blanket while my sister watched Jaws on TV. It was balls to the wall hot under there and yet I watched /listened to the entire thing, which says something about my curiosity. Next, I remember sitting on the library floor with Peter Benchley’s Jaws opened in front of me. I read the first chapter and cried a little on the inside. My readers should be familiar with my next memory, a trip to the Boston Museum of Fine Art and a look at one of the most terrifying paintings I have ever seen. After this it was a compilation of nightmares, terrible ones where I’d relive the same dream about 5 times in one REM cycle. Always the same, with a shark popping up somewhere and trying to eat me. Yes, these memories are I think, the foundation for my irrational fear.
Lately however, I’m come to realize that this fear is a little too irrational. I even staged an intervention with myself after yelping out loud during the preview for Despicable Me. How am I ever going to be taken seriously in this life if I can’t even face a cartoon shark? Yes, it was time to take some drastic action. My mind instantly wandered to my college Psychology class in which we talked about phobias. This whole process of desensitization seemed to work out for these people so I thought, why not try it out? For those that do not know, desensitization goes something like this; a person is afraid of snakes. You start small by showing that person pictures of snakes, then videos. Soon you bring a snake in the room but keep it far away from the person. Little by little you bring the snake closer and before you know it, the person is holding the snake! Now before we go any further let’s make something very clear. I do not intend to swim with great white sharks when this is over. Please, I’d sooner die and plus we just don’t have the resources…. So my little experiment will be a minor one. Thank GOD.
I began slowly by Googling the word “shark” and unwillingly opened one eye to peer at the results. A minute later I awoke to find myself on the floor and Professor Lupin was handing me a piece of chocolate. I had failed miserably. Alright that’s an exaggeration. But when I do get a glimpse of those gaping shark mouths my heart skips a beat and I feel like someone punched me in the gut. This challenge was going to be a lot harder than I thought. After more Googles, YouTube videos and terror spilling out of my face, was I ready? Well, no, not really, but time was of the essence and August was on my heels. I had to make big moves and fast. So brace yourself because I’m about to take things to the next level pretty quickly in order to get rid of this fear once and for all, and what better place to showcase this experiment than right here? Over the course of the rest of the summer, I will be watching all 4 (!) Jaws movies, while I remain strapped to a Clockwork Orange chair,
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
I feel like lately the world has recently embarked on an exhibition of half-assness. Why wear full pants, when you can rock capris? Why wear a full shirt when you can rock a baby doll tee? Why rock either long or short hair, when you have the satisfaction of both in a mullet?! It’s like we can’t have either chocolate or vanilla, but we must always have a twist. Along those lines, the world was introduced to the tankini in the late 90s. Perfect for those who want the coverage of a one piece, yet can’t bear to say they bought one, thus along comes a meshing of words and a whole new trend! I don’t mind tankinis in the least, whatever floats your boat, as they say. But I prefer tankinis that mix it up a little, ergo the problem I have with the girl in Suspiria. Why not just get a pink one piece if you going to have the same color top and bottom? Never mind, I have yet to see a tankini that is not a tank. What’s with the short sleeves? Looking further into this it looks like she just got lazy and bought a pink t-shirt and matching granny panties. Wait, is this even a bathing suit?!!! If you’re going the tankini route, I suggest mixing your patterns. How cool is this little number from Macys? Ruffles, a meshing of not two, but THREE prints (polka dots and stripes, need I say more) and a cute stringy bottom and v-neck to boot. Just because you don’t want to show your stomach doesn’t mean you have to look like a frumpy beached whale!
Tankini’s sidekick’s choice of swim-wear is also pretty cringe inducing. Is she a huge Bengals fan or perhaps normally enjoys wearing the festive colors of Halloween? Sick. If you’re going to go two-tone, I would first drop the piping. By now, it’s too 80s, and not in a good way. You can go 80’s inspired and still look hot. Check out this two-toned suit from American Apparel. First of all, the colors are kick-ass. My favorite---cobalt and serpent. While this looks a biiiiiit high cut (call your Brazilian waxologist ASAP), people will at least start confusing you with Pamela Anderson, and that ain’t too shabby!
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER
I happen to be one of the last people on this earth who does not love Sarah Michelle Gellar. I admit I was never a big Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan and I'll also admit that I was a bigger fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer the movie...what? It has Hilary Swank in it..helllooo she won an Oscar one time? But anyways, Helen here in I Know What You Did Last Summer chooses a very interesting selection in her quest to become Miss Old Fisherman's Village Mermaid or whatever that pageant was called. Alright she's hot I admit it, but really--who can get away with a suit like this? That's right. Nobody.
Monokinis---a lesson in “tan lines be damned!”!
A big trend for this year is the monokini. For all of you out of the fashion loop, a monokini is basically a one piece bikini. In laymen’s terms, let me see how many holes I can cut into this suit before I look too ridiculous! When I first saw them coming back to life, my first thought was A. how many more hybrid bathing suits can we possibly endure!!! and B. WORST TAN LINE IN THE WORLD. Alas, if we’re talking about updating classic horror bathing suit styles, than I think Sarah Michelle here really should have rocked the monokini. Basically, if you cut out those disaster white crosshatched pieces, you would have a modified monokini (yes, alliteration!). Face it—a monokini is hot. Though they slightly remind me of a bathing suit I rocked circa 1990. Who else remembers the days when as a young girl, your Mom refused to let you look like an 8 year old slut and wouldn’t let you buy a bikini, but sprung for the bathing suit with a huge hole where the stomach area should be? Mine was black, with neon piping and nautical symbols puffy painted all over it. Basically bikini training wheels if you will. And yes, I had an AWESOME tan line.
It took me awhile to convince Emmy Doomas that Jane Randolph here in Cat People was actually wearing a swimsuit and not a dress. Since I love Cat People and know that she is in fact wearing a swimsuit when a panther/cat/person growls from the shadows, this was clearly a battle I would win. And also I can prove it with this action shot:
I for one, adore the vintage style found so prominently today and happen to own my very own vintage style swimsuit. Unfortunately due to my fear of sharks, this swimsuit is seldom seen. But anywho. What better way to escape a panther/cat/person than by wearing a sassy little vintage number from the 1940s?
As Andre will be happy to tell you, I am obsessed with vintage. Any clothing, music, behaviors that occurred from the 1920-1960s—I’m there. Thankfully, vintage bathing suits are coming back in a big way. What I really like about these styles, is that designers made very few changes. They originals were so nice and classy, why ruin a good thing? The suit worn by the woman from Cat People, at first looked like a dress to me. A tight one, but it looked almost too long to be a bathing suit. I found very similar ones in JCrew, though they have shortened them just a bit, so no one will get confused and bust out their bathing suit at work or anything. Also a big change here is the lack of cone boobs. One thing I don’t miss from the 1950s/60s; bras that will poke a man’s eye out! Who ever thought that was a good idea? Whose breasts are that pointy?!?!! I feel like once women took over bra designing it was a whole new ball game. Thank you feminist revolution!!
THE TALENTED MR. RIPLEY
Ooooh banana hammocks! Even though The Talented Mr. Ripley isn't considered a horror film, one can argue that Matt Damon's neon green briefs here are quite terrifying. Let's cut to the chase---it looks like a diaper. Now I heard somewhere that this style was possibly coming back except improved. To be honest I'm not quite sure where I stand on that issue except to say that I'll think Daniel Craig is attractive in any bathing suit. What? Horror? Oh right. Ummm the floor is yours Emmy.
Not that I ever wish I were a man, but definitely not when it comes to bathing suit shopping! What a nightmare. Nowadays, you have about one style to choose from. Even if you wanted to sport a banana hammock, where do they sell those babies? Dicky Greenleaf chose a fine suit here—aside from the neon yellow; who knew that color even existed back then—this was a super huge trend back in the day. Look at this cool vintage shot I found of a guy on the beach in the 1930s!