Sunday, October 9, 2016

The Witch: People Are Talking. Talking BOUT WITCHES.

Last year, all anyone could talk about was The Witch.
“Oh my God you guys, The Witch is EVERYTHING”
“The Witch scared the crap out of me”
“Black Phillip for President” 
“Holy crapping crap holy crap scary”

That’s in a nutshell what the general chatter surrounding The Witch was like. So what was I to do while listening to this endless chatter, lonely and removed from any and all new horror movies? Sit in a corner and sulk until it became available to watch instantly obviously. Which brings me to now—or rather last night when I snuggled in to finally watch The Witch. The following is based on true events.

Until about 15 minutes after I finished the movie I didn’t think much of it. My initial thoughts were as follows:

1. Wait, what are they saying?
2. Crazy Aunt Lysa it’s you, you crazy bitch.
3. That knit hat looks awkwardly modern
4. Black Phillip real or imaginary?
5. Seriously though, can ANYONE understand what they are saying?
6. Oh OK I guess Black Phillip does exist and is also a rapist.
7. The end…..wait what just happened?

And then that was it. I turned off the TV, shrugged at my lack of reaction/emotional reaction and went to the bathroom. Now here’s where it gets interesting. Whilst taking a pee, I suddenly became overwhelmed by an inexplicable burden of unease. It was like my brain finally dozed off and my SOUL awakened and grabbed me by the throat and was like, “SERIOUSLY THOUGH WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!”

It’s hard to explain. The Witch is neither overwhelmingly scary or suspenseful yet it creates such a strong atmosphere of unease and latent terror that it’s almost shocking. Sure, at times the film feels a bit slow and painstakingly olden days-ish, complete with so many “Thou art a witch” proclamations I thought for a minute I was back rehearsing my high school production of the Crucible-----but in true witch fashion, The Witch really sneaks up on you. I believe this is where the film truly excels. It scares you without you realizing it.

I blame this mostly on the 2001: A Space Odyssey-like track of terrifying choral screams and also too many goats. Oh plus levitation and things left eerily unexplained. It wasn't what I was expecting and I still feel like maybe I missed a crucial part of why this left people so terrified but then again---no, no I think I'm right. It terrified people because it stayed with them. Right? RIGHT?!

There may be a lot of questions. People may have needed things explained better. But fuck those guys. Sometimes you just want feel a sense of horror, not have it shoved in your face. Sure, we got to see the Witch in the flesh (not counting the Witch's backside) only once, but is that the part everyone will remember? I don't think so. For me it was the agonizing choral screaming and the creepy levitation at the film's conclusion. It will likely be different for you and for everyone and that I think is the mark of a truly terrifying film.

Thursday, February 4, 2016


I'll have you know that nothing is better than Teen Witch. I know this because:

A. Its soundtrack predominately features a Jazz Saxophone.
B.  Its musical numbers are topped by nothing in existence (see what I did there?)
C. It's an 80s explosion of endless, nonstop awesomeness in your face over and over and over again.
E. Shut up I'm always right about everything except when I thought 'too much cheese' wasn't a thing.

Teen Witch is one of those movies that makes me feel instantly better about myself, my non-existent love life and the fact that I didn't have a gross little brother who ate cake under my bed while I was sleeping.

And then got his gross cake fingers stuck to my love letters about Brad.

There's just so much to love. But since we're all busy and stuff here are just 5 key things.

1. Fashion.

Nothing says 'these characters are nerds' more than the early fashion sense of Louise and Polly.

The hobo biker look is in you guys. I swear. 

2. Rap Posse

Like most high schools---this one has an official Rap group compromised of white guys wearing their grandfather's old coats. We are still unsure of whether these are original rap numbers or if they are just lip syncing.

3. Musical numbers

God I miss the days of dancing around in my purple leotard in the locker room.

I also love when they awkwardly stick the actresses who can't dance into these group dance scenes.

\"What? You say you can't dance? OK well just stand on the side and hop around a bit, no one will notice!"

Hey guys, what do you feel like doing today?
Oh, I don't know let's stand outside my car and rap. Good thing none of you can top my tank top that accidentally shrunk in the dryer. Oh wait...that vest is KILLING IT. 

4. Mr. Weaver

Things I love about the Mr. Weaver scenes:
--No other teachers seem to think it's alarming that a pervert, asshole possible 2nd coming of the devil and/or Hitler is teaching these kids English.
--Louise somehow uses her witch powers to know not only what exact clothes Mr. Weaver would be wearing in class but also the color of his underwear.
--Speaking of which. No one seems to notice Louise is disrobing a doll in the classroom.                        

--Why does the class think their perverted, asshole teacher stripping his clothes off is funny? Why aren't people horrified and crying?




Rejected photo from Tiger Beat  shoot circa 1988

Oh wait no that was this one--editors deemed it too sexy for the centerfold. Jokes on them--I already blew this photo up and taped it to my ceiling.


Sunday, December 6, 2015

Goodnight Mommy: Nevermind, I Don't Want Kids Anymore.

Goodnight Mommy has been recommended to me by at least 2 people. Of those 2 people, 1 is famous and the other one I've never met in person. Those of you bad at math this equals= must see in my book. But honestly, I'm just really looking for a good movie you know? Unfortunately, I could only watch Goodnight Mommy on Amazon which means I can't take fun screenshots which is a shame because I had some really good ones in mind---and also this post probably won't be as funny now without them. Poo.

Goodnight Mommy is an Austrian 'Psychological Thriller' which in layman's terms means that the movie is not what you think it is about and also probably there is a twist. It's important to know what these genre tags really mean you know. SO, the movie is about twin boys who live in a secluded Austrian arty house and who get into shenanigans on a daily basis. One day their mother returns having just had plastic surgery and to them she seems different. Soon their suspicions escalate into dangerous and terrifying territories.

First of all---the BEST thing about this movie is how it brings me back to Eyes Without a Face.

There is nothing better and I repeat NOTHING BETTER than a creepy bandage mask that distorts an actor or actress' face. There is something so simplistically creepy about this that makes my insides squirm with excitement. I love it because it's not some otherworldly mask or some ingenious special makeup effect. It's bandages.

Second of all---I love me some psychological horror. Unfortunately this means that I can guess 'twists' within seconds of watching a movie and then I spend the whole movie checking off points in my theory that continue to be correct. Good news I won. The thing is though--knowing the twist right away doesn't ruin the movie. What happens as the movie progresses is terrifying whether you know the twist or not.

Also notable here is how our loyalties change throughout. In the beginning part of the film, we are made to be on the boys' side. 'Playing along' so to speak and questioning at least on some level that their suspicions may have some truth to them after all. But the really great part of this is that even if we trust their suspicions at least to some extent---what ends up happening is so off-putting and horrifying that we come away being on the mother's side by the end. Actually, maybe we are never meant to be on the side of the boys. I mean......little boys that fill an entire fish tank with cockroaches are no friend of mine OK? What the fuck.

Here are some other thoughts about this movie.


I continue to be amazed at how good foreign movies are at gore. This is not gore as we know it-- this is gore done with a steady hand that knows exactly what will make you cringe without being too over the top. There is a scene here involving superglue and scissors that made me climb out of my skin and cower in the corner, weeping. I still get the heebie jeebies  thinking about it.

The Red Cross

I don't know how they do things over in Austria, but if solicitors come a knocking and you don't answer apparently they just fucking come in? What the hell. If you can't pretend that you aren't home when the Jehovah's Witnesses come---what safety is left in this world? Ooh....that might just be a fantastic idea for a horror movie. Don't steal it.


Yes there is a cat in this and yes it ends up dead.

Holy Shit Balls

By the end, this movie becomes so unsettling that it's difficult to digest all at once. It kind of sadly reminded me of that movie where the kids lock their parents in the basement so that they won't get a divorce...what was that called..,OH yeah House Arrest.

What a shitty movie. The entire time you are thinking---'Well, I guess they can never let their parents out because then their parents will probably kill them'. And also, 'Wow this movie really sucks.' The same is true (except for the shitty part) of Goodnight Mommy in that at one point you determine that the boys have definitely gone too far and when that happens you come to the horrific realization that there is no turning back.

Overall, I was mostly impressed with Goodnight Mommy. It's very quiet in how it delivers its horror and it kind of sneaks up on you. You really need to stay with it I think in order to become affected here. It's the building up of the madness that really seals the deal. Sure, I came away with a few questions but they weren't deal breakers. Knowing more about certain aspects of the film won't make it any more or less great and that is important to note. It has some superb shots happening and I find overall that it's very understated in its attack but dang, does it sneak up on you in the end.

Feel free to discuss fun spoilery stuff in the comments!