Something Wicked This Way Comes: A Photo Journal of My Experience.

It's pretty rare occurrence when I watch a movie and then realize by the end that I had no idea what was happening the entire time. So far I got; weird old man, lots of midgets and a really scary spider scene. There are a few scary moments that were even scary for me- so I can only imagine what it must have been like watching this as a child. But for the most part kind of a let down. So without further ado I will take you on a magical journey through my experience of Something Wicked This Way Comes.

This is the movie as I understood it.

The crazy old man from Killer Klowns from Outer Space- plays a boy scout who sells lightning rods.

The bartender is missing an arm AND a leg- yet he can still run a bar and sweep the sidewalk. Also I forget how he lost his arm and his leg.

A carnival comes to town advertising exotic dancers with no pants on. But later we find out...

That they do wear pants! False advertising.

There also seems to be a surplus of Midgets in this movie and it's really hard to keep track of them.

See? Serious midget overdose. And too many midget props too now that I think about it.

This was the most horrifying spider scene I have ever seen. You'll have to find this on youtube if you want to see it in full, but here are a few examples. I read that they used 200 live tarantulas in this- and let me tell you....I'm going to have nightmares about this scene for the rest of my life.

There are more but I couldn't watch the scene twice. Things like grabbing a door knob where a tarantula is curled, stepping on a tarantula, and having tarantulas under your covers. It was seriously the worst thing I have ever seen. And this is coming from someone who watched people eating poop.

After the spider scene, things got a little fuzzy because I think I fainted. Fear not- I was suddenly revived when this happened.

Yup. That's right- it's the Killer Klowns guy running through a mirror maze with a light saber.

Then there was some battle with love and happiness against evil or something...blah blah and THEN the most important life lesson is revealed at the end...

Midgets never leave a fallen comrade behind.

So there you have it. Quite a journey. I think there was also a scary carnival that involved giving people their deepest wishes in exchange for their soul- but who knows these days. I guess I just never remembered this one from my yester years. I hear the novel of the same name is way more terrifying though. Can anybody confirm that? There were a lot of startling things that I never thought Disney would put in in their movies- for instance that gross skeleton guy up there-very creepy...yikes.

Orphan: And So The World Loses Another Great Artist Of Our Time.

I've been very worried about seeing this movie despite all the positive reviews I had been hearing. I was worried because I am one curious cat and therefore enjoy spoiling the end of movies that I don't think I will ever see. Of course I didn't realize that this movie would actually be pretty decent and that I would have to see it! Damn. Damn. Damn. So last night I tried to tuck away the twist and enjoy the ultimate creepy and uncomfortable-ness of Esther. Turns out she is even creepier when you do know the twist!

The movie opens with a dream sequence that gives us insight into a great tragedy in John and Kate's life (get the proverbial Jon & Kate jokes out now before I continue). Their third baby died in the womb- and while Kate seems to be harboring a darker secret inside- the couple agree to adopt their third child. While at the orphanage the couple meets Esther. A well spoken, authentic Russian gal with a talent for painting. John and Kate agree that Esther would be a terrific fit to their family of an already existing 10 year old-ish early douche bag and a cute deaf girl. It is not long before strange tragedies start to happen and the funny thing is that Esther is always around when they happen. Clearly as the movie's poster says, something is wrong with Esther.

So let's get what everyone is talking about out of the way. Did they pick the names John and Kate on purpose?! What? Oh right. wrong thing everyone is talking about. Esther IS the best part about this movie. Coming from someone who just watched The Omen, The Village of the Damned and The Children all in a matter of a week- I was genuinely terrified of Esther. I think it was a combination of her creepy Russian accent and her remarks about the son's hairless prick that really set me off but then again I'm not sure. No no it was definitely the hairless prick comment. Not to mention she likes to watch John and Kate have sex....in the kitchen! Sex in the kitchen is really only acceptable when you have children that are babies- god John and Kate what were you thinking? So by far Esther's performance is what makes this movie.

Now other than Esther, the movie has some pretty valid points. The dream sequence although a previous annoyance with me was actually pretty effective. The disgusting and bloody swaddled baby comes to mind, and the blood that seeps out when Kate is getting rolled away in the wheelchair. I also enjoyed the impact of Esther on Kate's psyche. The part where she chops all the roses off from the bush was jaw dropping and how Esther cleverly manipulated Kate's alcoholic past with everything that was going on--so evil! I also loved that first scene with the pigeon- it really served up Esther's cruelty and put it right into your face. Whoops I just realized all the valid points were about Esther! Damn this!

Something I definitely wasn't crazy about was the length of the film- running about 2 hours. 2 Hours for this kind of horror movie is way too long. The perfect length for a horror movie is an hour and 30 minutes- anything longer that isn't a Stanley Kubrick or an insanely artistic and provocative movie just drags on and starts churning out boringness. As a result I found the end of Orphan to be a bit formulaic. It soon almost turned into a joke- how many times will Esther rise from the dead?

Peter Sarsgaard and that other woman were ok, but sometimes I really can't stand P. Sarsgaard's twangy voice. I also loved the deaf girl. Those sign language sub titled scenes were surprisingly moving to me. And as much as I dig hysteria and things not going according to plan- all the Kate is an alcoholic with psychological problems geared towards Esther grew kind of tiring. Any Doctor that was convinced Kate could break Esther's arm that badly needs to get a new license. Speaking of which that arm breaking scene...holy mother of Christ.

Overall the movie provides an original take on the classic devil child story. Esther's performance alone is enough to warrant a viewing of this movie- but don't be surprised if your attention starts to wane at parts. Another very interesting thing I encountered was reading the trivia about the earlier drafts of the script- which in my opinion are far superior to the final draft of the script. SPOILER P. Sarsgaard's death for one was much more violent and amazing and creative., also the son is suppose to have died in the hospital, AND the final fight in the ice never happened and originally ended with Kate shooting Esther between the eyes with the final "you are not my daughter you bitch" (or however it went) line of the century. There's also an extensive history behind Esther's persona involving sexual abuse, incest and prostitution. All very interesting spins on the movie that probably could have made me like it more. Poor kid that played Esther though. I bet she's suffering from Linda Blair syndrome- surely if I saw her in public my first impulse would be to jump out a window or maybe to kill her- I guess it would all depend on my mood.

Other notable freak out scenes- the discovery of Esther's nudie black light paintings, her transformation, and her seduction scene(ahhh!) Where did she get black light paint anyways?

Way to Go Moments in Horror History: Way to Go Chris Hargensen

Way to Go Chris Hendrensen

Chris Hendrensen has one of those faces that you hate. It's scrunchy and stupid and just plain obnoxious. For starters- she's a bitch. It pretty much goes without saying that she is the leader of all Anti Carrie White groups that have taken over the school. I would also fathom a guess that she snuck into school one night and spray painted "Carrie White Eat Shit" on the walls. It pretty much goes without saying that she was a hop skip and jump away from joining the Ku Klux Klan. So what if Carrie White is quiet and a little weird? YOUR best friend is a dumb ass who always wears a red baseball cap. Real cool Chris.

Chris is such an obnoxious bitch that she refuses to be punished for being a complete asshole to Carrie therefore forfeiting her prom ticket and inadvertently causing the death of everyone at the prom. Think of it this way; if Chris had just sucked it up- Carrie would have had the happiest night of her life and probably would have summoned the courage to finally get rid of her psycho mother. But no no- she has to hold a grudge and perform the evilest most vile form of payback known to man. I'm not sure where Chris grew up- but unless she grew up in the devil's anus- payback should never include dousing a girl with a bucket full of pig's blood during her prom queen crowning. Real funny joke Chris.

Due to this "prank" Carrie goes nuts and uses her weirdo powers to kill everyone. Once again this little tragedy could have been avoided if Chris had just done a few more sit ups. Way to go Chris. Everyone is dead and it's all your fault. Now the only kids left in town are the loser's with no dates and that curly haired sort-of nice girl. GREAT!

Midnight Meat Train: Well That Can't Be Sanitary.

Midnight Meat Train is a perfect example of how and why the concept of beautiful blood is becoming a lost art. Based on a short story by my man Clive Barker, Midnight Meat Train was a less than thrilling ride filled with CGI blood, impossible stunts, and really bad "NOOOOO" acting by that girl that kind of looks like Lauren LC Conrad.

The story is actually a really interesting one. It follows Leon a photographer who stumbles upon the presence of a very strange man on the train. After stalking him relentlessly, Leon discovers that the strange man who is a butcher in real life- butchers people on the train. Leon embarks on a journey to put a stop to the crazy man and figure out just what all this butchering is really about.

Now the overall story I found to be somewhat engrossing but I just could not for the life of me get over that horrible CGI blood. I even looked around at one point excepting someone to jump out and tell me it was just a joke and that the real movie would be starting shortly. But that never happened and the awful blood kept on coming. Let's take a moment and breathe in the CGI and get it out of our system.

Watch out for the flying eyeballs!

Remember that time I saw my own face reflected in my own pool of blood?

Me neither.

So there we have some super examples of this movie was a bad experience for me. I also wasn't too pleased with the pacing of things. It seemed like everything happened within the first 30 minutes or so and I thought the movie could have easily ended once it hit the 60 minute mark. But rest assured there was still another 40 minutes left! It got to the point where I didn't really care what the outcome of things were I just wanted the damn thing to be over with.

The other problematic area was that part where Bradley Cooper suddenly is possessed by Indiana Jones and jumps onto the back of the speeding train with a meat hook and pulls himself up and into the train. I'm sorry but nowhere in this movie did I get the sense that extremely campy stunts and special effects were a vital part of the film. All I got was seriousness- and this part really made me laugh out loud. Then there's the battle of the butcher face off at the end- also unintentionally hilarious. I especially loved it when he threw a severed arm at the dumb girl. Oh and let's not forget when Bradley Cooper suited up in his chain mail butcher apron and ran all sparkly and heroically down the tunnel.

Now it's not all bad. I found myself really enjoying a few images- the bodies hanging in the train for one.

It created a lovely juxtaposition to the rows of hanging meat in the actual butcher factory and also made me look twice at those arm holders that are always too high for most people to reach. I also enjoyed the opening scene and....hmm I thought I had more...oh well.

I'm not sure if other people had as much as a problem with this movie as I did but something was just insanely off to me. There was a lot of gore- which isn't my favorite thing about horror movies- but it was there and I guess it was entertaining- but I just really wasn't having it. I couldn't stand that dumb girl and her horrible aim at close range, and I also felt the overall purpose of the meat train and the creatures was suddenly forced down our throats in the last 5 minutes. After revisiting Rear Window yesterday I really felt that what this movie lacked a lot of was suspense. I didn't feel once ounce of suspense during the entire thing- even in the butcher factory scene- nothing. Again I think it has more to do with the terrible pacing of the movie and my complete lack of interest in any of the characters.

I felt like there could have been much better ways to bring Clive Barker's story to life- possibly hinting at the cops sympathy with the underground creatures instead of suddenly telling us, or maybe even something as simple as cutting the movie down by 40 minutes. I think the short story follows a much more linear path and doesn't interrupt us with all this promise ring, spontaneous butt sex and whiny girlfriends bull crap. As I said it is a pretty awesome idea but I did not think it translated well to the screen. Hopefully there's someone else out there who felt the same way that I did so I can stop feeling so betrayed.

Oh I just thought of another thing that bugged me. I wished we had seen things happen more from Leon's point of view. In that I mean we knew that guy was butchering people on the train because they showed us all of his victims prior to Leon's eyewitness account. This is what I think made the pacing and the entirety of the movie feel so off. If those death scenes were cut out we would only miss out on the terribleness of the CGI- and Leon's eyewitness account would be much more tense and surprising. But I know how everyone wants to see gore gore gore so I'm not surprised they showed the death scenes the way they did. It just seemed to really be detrimental to the overall impact of what the butcher was actually doing on the train. It's like by the time Leon gets to see him in action we are starring at our watches and wondering where he has been the whole time. He's out of the loop and I don't like it!

Ok I think that's all.

P.S.- amputating the tumors was both horrible and amazingly hilarious at the same time and I'm not really sure why. But I think it has something to do with the fact that he pickled and saved the tumors. Yeah that's definitely it.

The Children: Snow On the Ground and No One Is Wearing a Jacket? Now I've Seen Everything!

After watching several horror movies in the past 5 months or so, I have decided that the key to survival in any circumstance, is to trust no one. If your daughter has turned into a zombie- she's no longer your daughter. If your cat was buried in an Indian burial ground he's not going to be the same old cat. And if your children develop a strange illness don't think twice about slicing them up. Simple rules to follow really- but always ignored.

The Children is about 2 families celebrating the New Year's holiday together. The children soon start developing strange and irritable behavior- which ultimately escalates in complete and utter ridiculousness. They turn on their parents- and the parents are just too oblivious to realize that their children have turned evil. The film offers up the question- what do you do when your own children start to turn on you?

Right away this movie clues you into a very important fact; the children are everywhere. Running around and screaming like a swarm of beasties. It really made me want to punch a wall sometimes. Screaming kids are something I just cannot handle. So it was easy to see that everyone was pretty much doomed the moment they started reproducing. Casey- the eldest daughter who apparently was saved from being aborted while in the womb- is the obvious black sheep of the family. She wears mini skirts, has purple streaks in her hair AND wears thigh high socks. Good grief! She also has a strange bitterness towards her mother for not being able to understand the idea of contraception- and even got a tattoo of a fetus on her belly button. Plus she jokes about abortion- what a rebel!

What I found to be really creepy about this movie is the lack of explanation for why the children turn the way they do. Sure we get that close up view of the cells doing god knows what, and the occasional coughing up of blood and green vomit- but the actual cause is left very muddled. This truly makes the movie more terrifying because when there are no reasons- things are indefinitely hopeless.

The first death scene was pretty darn amazing. I meant to take a screen shot of the blood on the snow but I forgot and don't feel like finding that scene again so you'll just have to imagine how beautiful it was. I also loved the way the kids didn't seem like they were outwardly infected. Sure they looked a little pale and did some weird things but we weren't hit over the head with the fact that they were infected with some crazy disease. The way that they killed the parents still managed to be such an innocent undertaking and it was pretty remarkable. Their random bouts of laughter were both unsettling and utterly terrifying- and never truly knowing what was happening made it all the more scarier. That one shot of the little boy just standing and looking at his parents while they were sleeping? Yeah. Terrifying.

The scenes of the children dying were most likely uncomfortable to those who felt it is wrong to kill a child on the screen. But I'm pretty much immune to child killing after seeing Baby Blues. Yes it may be startling but these children were just going to kill everybody anyways! At least their deaths were justified.

Anyways- crazy and really fucked up kids will always get the better of me. As much as I hate them they have such a unique power of winning over any and all adults. As we see in the case of Casey- adults will seldom believe that a child could ever do anything as malicious and evil as the act of murder.

Best scene hands down? Ramming that stupid girl with the car. Sooooo wonderful. The ending I felt kind of meh about because I don't feel like it was necessary to leave us with that ambiguity but I suppose it was better than full out telling us. Then I would have been really angry. I guess I just feel like horror movies often get stuck in that last scare motif. I am so refreshed by horror movies that just fade to the credits after the final death scene. Why can't things just end??!

But anyways I was really impressed with this film. Lots of really great shots, some serious creepiness and some really jarring editing techniques. The film is so open to interpretation and really opens the door for some serious thinking. The movie does at times delve into this really annoying pro-life commentary. Like basically shoving it in our face that killing your children is awful and bloody and a sin. I don't know maybe it was just me but I definitely felt some agenda pushing! I guess it could also be looked at as a pro-choice commentary though....if you don't kill your children...they will kill you? Yeah I don't really get it. Someone who is smart tell me which side they were pushing!

My biggest gripe is that even though it was cold outside and I mean like snow on the ground cold- everyone was just running around with no jackets on! They didn't even look cold. Maybe the children wouldn't have gotten diseased in the first place if someone had just put on a jacket. That's all I'm sayin'.

Rear Window: Apparently Dead Dogs Are Also a Good Fertilizer.

It has come to my attention recently that I have never done a post on Rear Window. I'm not sure I can answer why that is- but I think it has something to do with that fact that I just assumed I posted up a review once when I was delirious or something- therefore forgetting that I never actually wrote anything in the first place.

So I will proceed in saying that Rear Window is one of the greatest films made by non other than Freddy Hitchcock. It stars James Jimmy Stewart as well as one of the most beautiful women in the world... Princess Grace of Monaco.

Sigh. Let's just take a moment to remember the wonderful Grace Kelly shall we?

OK. So Jimmy Stewart plays L.B. "Jeff" Jefferies a photographer who was injured while taking what were probably some really exciting photos. As a result, Jeff is confined to his home in a wheelchair with his sad broken leg and his camera. So what is a man to do when he has a broken leg? Spy on the neighbors of course! It's a good thing Jeff's apartment consists mostly of windows because he lives around some truly enticing characters. Now let me be clear that I am the number one offender of spying on people- so it was no surprise that I found those spying scenes completely moving. BUT even if you don't like spying on people- Hitchcock does something insanely marvelous here...he forces you to watch- AND become enthralled and invested in the action as much as Jeff does! It's probably one of my favorite parts about this film and not just because I'm super nosy.

Anyways- Jeff soons starts paying close attention to one of his neighbors-- Lars Thorwald a perpetually grumpy sort of man and his bedridden wife. After Jeff starts noticing that Thorwald takes several late night trips, often emerging with a large hand case- and polishing off a knife and handsaw he starts to wonder what has happened to Mrs. Thorwald- and whether or not Thorwald is up to some bad behavior.

Another simply great thing that this movie does which I can actually connect believe it or not to Martyrs- is that it creates a sense of disbelief. We too are experiencing the same strangeness when observing Thorwald's behavior- but what if Jeff is sorely mistaken? What if Mrs. Thorwald really has just gone on a vacation? How can he be so sure? This sort of feeling stays with us right till the end- when Thorwald's final confession to the police is almost like a deserved slap to the face.

Now as for the tension in this movie....holy crap! The scene where Grace Kelly breaks into Thorwald's apartment and we watch her every move from Jeff's point of view is so freaking intense. Every single time I watch that scene and see Thorwald mosey back into his apartment- while the unknowing Grace Kelly still searches in vain for evidence--I scream out loud with anguish.

And then of course the ultimate scene of intensity and excitement!--when Thorwald discovers why Grace Kelly is pointing at the ring on her finger... When he looks right into Jeff's apartment- I seriously lose my cool. Poor Jimmy Stewart is helpless and alone in his wheelchair- trapped with nowhere to go! It may be the most thrilling bit of cinema to ever grace the screen.

So in a nutshell- this is one of the best Hitchcock movies ever- and also just one of the best movies ever period. It's got suspense, it's got comedy and it even has a little risque interaction with Kelly and Stewart that caused many people in 1954 to stare at it with disgust! Can you imagine the sort of hate mail Alfred Hitchcock received when he showed that Grace Kelly brought her nightgown over the Jimmy Stewart's house?!

Oh and also sad dog death in this one folks. Keep a box of tissues close at hand.

Patriotic Danger: Proof That Beautiful Blood Can Exist in Action Flicks.

Whilst at one of the many Filmsnobbery live chats that I attend I met and spoke with Matthew Shea- Writer, director, producer, editor- all around renaissance man for Patriotic Danger. With a budget of $3,000 mostly spent on props- Matt does the unthinkable by creating a fun and exciting Independent action flick.

The movie follows David Striker (Masa Gibson) who after returning home late one night comes home to find his love interest shot and killed on the kitchen floor. We soon learn Striker was recruited by a strange company, claiming to be testers of the video game American Heroes. As it turns out this company actually creates government assassins- enlisting Striker's help and therefore changing his life forever. Now Striker must set out to find out who is behind the murder- and why they have targeted him.

What Matt accomplishes with this movie on such a low budget is pretty phenomenal. It should be said however that at no time do the action sequences outshine the overall purpose of the film. It is an action film yes- but what is really at the heart of the movie is Striker's journey into the unknown and the destruction of those who have wronged him. The angst that Striker encounters within the first few minutes of the film is clearly portrayed on the screen. The scene in the kitchen instantly puts us on Striker's side- justifying any and all actions that he takes during the course of the film.

One of my favorite scenes however came during the flashback of Striker's recruitment. The big boss man puts a gun in Striker's hand and tells him he must shoot the man tied to the chair. A man who apparently is responsible for the deaths of several agents. When Striker seems resistant the boss puts a gun to his head and gives him three seconds to shoot. I could actually feel a true sense of turmoil boiling up inside of Striker. The scene is extremely well done and I was nothing less than impressed.

As the movie goes on and the mystery starts to unravel- my interest never faltered. The introduction of the tough woman sidekick Brandi (Katie Jones) was interesting, although their history seemed clouded. The scene in the house where Brandi's shirt gets ripped open was startling- and the uber creepy Victor made me insanely uncomfortable. That scene also however presented to me one of the my favorite things in the world; a beautiful shot of blood!

The ending action sequence is nicely built up- although the assassins and guard's lack of aim did startle me a little bit. I cannot stress the fact that what is accomplished on such a little budget is thrilling. There are some truly stunning moments of cinematography, and editing in this little film that make me appreciate just what indie films can do. Patriotic Danger proves that you don't need millions of dollars, and bad acting by Megan Fox- to make an entertaining and thrilling action movie.

If you are interested in buying or screening Patriotic Danger (which you should be) check out Matt's website. Do your part to help out Independent filmmaking and support an extremely talented guy like Matt.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers: The 2nd Biggest Threat to Civilization--Next to Zombie Sharks

What a treat I found when I woke up a tad too early this morning---The Invasion of the Body Snatchers on TCM! The movie is a classic case of you against the world. It's one of those movies that makes you take a second look at your friends and wonder if they've been secretly replaced by a pod person. And then it goes one step further and makes you wonder if the entire world is compromised of pod people and that you are the only sane one in the bunch. This way of thinking is not far from my all time paranoia thinking that the whole world is in on the plan and you aren't aka The Truman show--which when that came out I almost shit my pants. I was positive someone was trying to send me a message and that my Batman poster was hiding a secret camera!! From that moment on I always changed my clothes in the closet. Whoops ANYWAYS The Invasion of the Body Snatchers is terrific.

The people in the town of Santa Mira are acting strange. Several townspeople have been complaining that their significant others are not who they say they are. We follow Miles whose voice over work is entirely charming although sometimes confusing. We soon find that a number of the townspeople have been turned into emotionless clones with no fingerprints. Miles and his sweetie Becky soon start to realize that the whole town is being taken over! How will they rid the town of these pod people? Will the pod people take over the entire world? Are the pod people still around today?!!

Movies like this tend to freak me out a little more than movies about ghosts and serial killers. The scene where Miles and Becky are in that apartment and watching all the trucks line up with the pods is so freaky to me. Not to mention that if you close your eyes for like 2 seconds you'll be turned into a pod as well!! The moment where Miles realizes Becky has fallen asleep and that she is no longer herself is actually one of the most heartbreaking scenes I have ever seen. Becky, like Glen Lantz fails any chance of helping out in the fight against Fred Kruger er- the pod people I mean. Big BIG way to go moment there.

The scene where Miles witnesses the pod stuff coming out and forming a person is also very disturbing. Poor Miles. There's no way he can win. He's all alone in this world now. Actually he's probably a pod person by now. This wonderful film really makes you question who you can trust in this world. Much like The Thing, imagining a solution or ending to the problem is entirely bleak. Aliens have a way of getting what they want I suppose. Bastards.

Satan's Pimpdom is Exposed!; The Top 5 Spawn of Satan.

After watching several devil themed movies as of late- it has been brought to my attention that the Devil certainly gets around. He is a pimp of all trades- so much baby mama drama and so many babies with some serious Daddy issues. So join me in celebrating some of the Devil's most notorious children.

5. Little Nicky

I have never seen this movie and don't plan to. However when this movie came out I personally decided that I hated him since he had the same kind of puffy blue coat that I had. Despite the coat's obvious warmth I vowed never to wear it again for fear of being called Little Nicky. The only thing I know about this movie is that Adam Sandler is the Devil's favorite son....which pretty much makes the Devil lose any or all credit that he ever had. Bad luck I'm afraid.

4. The Witches of Eastwick Babies

Why procreate just once when you have the option to inject your sperm into 3 beautiful women (eh Cher is debatable) and have them all be pregnant at the same time! That is exactly the kind of resourcefulness and quick thinking I appreciate in a man and in the Devil. Jack Nicholson knows how to get his devilish spawn out there- and he even knows how to contact them from the beyond. Using TVs! Who knows if these babies will grow up to carry Satan's legacy- for now they're just working on their rolling skills in their baby rolling chairs/walkers/rollerskates.

3. Rosemary's Baby

His Eyes!! What have you done to his eyes!!! The Devil really turned up his game with this one. He tricked a pathetic man into giving him his wife for a good old fashioned drugged up raping. And so began the pregnancy of Rosemary and the eventual reclaiming of yet another spawn of Satan. I think it's safe to say that this little devil is going places- what with the enormous support from the cult of devil worshippers, how can he go wrong? It seems that even his poor mother is willing to trade her dignity and distaste of warm climates in order to provide a teat for the devil to suck on. How sweet. He even gets a black basinet- instant pimpdom!

2. Damien

Probably the most successful of the Devil's spawn, Damien achieved his path to greatness with the aide of his creepy Nanny and pet dog. He achieved what the book of revelations predicted and so begins the reign of the Devil. Congratulations to you Damien.

1. Mady Gosselin

This may seem out of place to many of you- but I am taking this list very seriously and to me Mady Gosselin is the ultimate spawn of Satan. She's the worst human being I've ever encountered. When Jon and Kate (RIP Jon and Kate's marriage) talk about Mady they use words like "difficult" and "free-spirited" which as we all know are just other words for THE DEVIL. I also recall a particularly moving episode where they talked about the fact that Mady doesn't like going to church...aka SHE'S THE DEVIL. Anyone who disagrees with me can, but I will debate this until my dying day. She hits her siblings, pretends to be all nice and hilarious in front of the camera, kicks balloons for no reason and constantly insults her nicer, more angelic sister Cara. What a bitch.

The Omen: What Does a Jackal Giving Birth To a Human Actually Look Like and Followup Question; Is That Even Possible?

I'm sure unlike many of you, I made the grave error of seeing the remake of this movie before the original. Unfortunately Julia Stiles' best performance will always be Save the Last Dance- and Cotton Weary....why did he get that part anyways? Needless to say after watching the original I, firstly do not see a reason for the remake and secondly- did they even bother to change anything? OH WAIT Gorillas try to attack Damien instead of Baboons! My Bad!

The Omen is the ultimate son of Satan event. As much as I love Rosemary's Baby, we never really get to see what that little tyke is capable of. Damien however shows us exactly that--although I'm not entirely convinced he really did anything wrong at all but we will get to that later!

If you don't know the sad story of the Thorn's rest assured I will tell you. The Thorn's have finally gotten pregnant and given birth to a baby boy- the only problem is- the baby died. Atticus Finch is distraught and doesn't know what to do. A strange priest suggests he adopt- for another baby boy was born that same day- and his mother died during the birth. How perfect! Turns out...not so much because that baby just happens to be the son of the Devil.

Now one thing you will always hear people talk about when speaking of this film is the music. Never was there a more perfect feast for the ears when dealing with the spawn of Satan. The demonic chorus of voices is spectacular and always comes at just the right moment. What I love the most however is the beginning scene of the nanny hanging herself. The way she is so possessed and says it's all for you blah blah what the fuck! That part seriously messes me up every single time.

I think I've voiced my dislike and utter discomfort for hanging scenes before- so it should be no surprise that I find this scene especially traumatic. Not to mention a dog makes her do it not Damien.

Then of course we have Damien.

Some say he's the devil-- I say he's just trying to rid the world of bad style one hat at a time. See the above scene for more information. Damien is an interesting one- because it doesn't seem like the kid really knows he is the son of the devil. He laughs and plays with the other children- and the only reason bad things happen is because the evil Nanny manipulates him with her evil mind. Occasionally he gives the token spawn of the devil evil glare- but for the most part I think he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. And by wrong place I mind inside a Jackals uterus.

This movie is classic and has several moments of extreme beauty- and beauty and blood at that. The deaths are so wonderfully set up that it truly makes me appreciates and long for the days when this kind of masterful filmmaking was more common- in horror that is.

Sigh. Isn't that just swell? So basically the gist here is that I love The Omen. I still don't get the whole human baby through a Jackal's vagina thing but whatever-- I'm not a veterinarian. The revelations of the seriousness of the situation will always surprise me no matter how many times I watch this. For some reason I always forget the major sort of twist that happens when Gregory Peck opens up that second grave! How is this possible? Because it rocks. End of story.

It also has inspired me to do a Top Spawn's of Satan post...to come soon. And by soon I mean in like 20 minutes...because it's raining and I can't go anywhere.

OH and on a side note- Damien may be the heaviest sleeper that has ever been born into this world- son of the devil or not. Who sleeps through their Dad pulling their hair and cutting off a giant piece of it to reveal your sacred 666 scar on your head?!