Respect. It's difficult to find these days and I of all people should know this. Why you ask? Well, today after waiting gleefully in what can only be described as a, "getting way too excited over something stupid" kind of way, I finally got my name plate attached to my cube/"work space". Oh boy I thought, now people will walk by and know my name! And then it happened. I walked back to my cube from lunch and noticed something suspicious. It's the kind of suspicion that only you can spot in your own name almost immediately---the suspicion that it is spelt wrong.
Yes, there for all my new co-workers and that random guy who I always think is my uncle to see while they walk down the hall---ANDERE DUMAS. Andere Dumas? Is that even a real name? I mean, I wrote down my name on a sticky note for the guy, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM and this is what I get?
OH I should also mention that when my ID badge was made it somehow got entered into the computer as Andrew Dumase which really threw the lady at the front desk for a loop the first time I used it. Like I said, I can't get no respect. Which prompts me to immediately lament about the fact that so few people do get respect---UNLESS they are scary and/or capable of growing a truly superb beard. I probably wouldn't rule out fascist dictators as people that receive respect and also.... Chewbacca.
So who are these scary people and monsters that receive our respect almost immediately without question?
I'm sure all of you almost immediately thought of Dracula from the moment that I said, "respect". That's because he is both tantalizing and scary--a deadly combination. When you are good looking and capable of seducing people yet also capable of scaring the pants off of them, you have won. Another important thing to note about Dracula is that it really doesn't matter who is playing him---he will always command respect (Except maybe Leslie Nielsen sorry Leslie, RIP, love you). Sure some Dracula's are better looking than others and some are scarier, but it seems to be just the mere mention of the name and the reputation that is responsible for how we feel about him, right?
I kind of despise the fact that I'm putting him on this list because in truth--I don't really respect him. But then again, I'm also just really negative towards people that don't shower and have crappy haircuts. As much as I hate to admit it--people respect Jason. They do, because even in this day and age, after countless sequels and horrible remakes--Jason is still the horror movie icon that almost every person on this planet can recognize. People can't even watch hockey games without thinking about Friday the 13th and that says something. I even have a friend who was so scarred by Jason, that the mere glimpse of a hockey mask would send her into anaphylactic shock. And by anaphylactic shock I of course mean that she would punch me in the arm really hard.
I think it goes without saying that when a man has pins stuck all over his face, you respect him. I mean, that must have hurt a lot right? I once had a dream where Pinhead and I were enjoying a nice glass of red wine and discussing literature. Or maybe it was Doug Bradley and not actually Pinhead......hmmm no no, it was definitely Pinhead because I remember asking him, "So tell me, Hell is actually fun right? I knew it!" Anyways, Pinhead doesn't need to do much to command respect. He can just stare at you and you'll immediately shit yourself and apologize for whatever it was you could have possibly done. And then you'll also offer to shine his shoes with your tongue. Wait, does Pinhead wear shoes?
I remember that when I was watching The Hitcher, I couldn't stop exclaiming out loud how fucking badass and cool John Ryder was. He does things that no one can explain and yet instead of crying foul and plot hole, we accept it. Why? Respect son! I mean, this is a man who will torment you until you die. You'll do everything in your power to make sure you get away from him and then he'll suddenly be in the backseat of a station wagon in FRONT OF YOU, playing stuffed animal puppets with some little kid. It's crazy! How can you not respect that?
I don't think this one needs much explanation other than; Kurt Russell, eye patch, snake tattoo around the belly button. Yup. RESPECT.
I'm sensing a trend here....everyone that commands respect is a tall man who speaks in a deep voice OR is a mute. Weird. Whatever, I can't talk about respect and not talk about The Candyman right? The man wears a floor length fur coat for Christ's sake. And he's missing a hand yet, still goes about his day to day routines without being the slightest bit handicapped. Oh and he's scary and very alluring. One thing is for sure though, we respect him like nothing else. Why? Because he's black... And also because he eats bees.
Alright, you caught me, I'm trying to break up the inevitable pattern that this list is taking. But in all honesty, Auntie Em intimidates the shit out of me! That part where Dorothy is playing nice with the baby chicks and Auntie Em kind of rips it out of her hand and is all like blah blah blah stop dreaming, feed the pigs! It's like whoa, this lady does NOT mess around.
Okay, it's possible I made that up, but I do recall her being quite stern and a commanding presence. Despite her old age, the woman was certainly a pistol huh? Is that the right word? Spitfire? Ball buster? All of the above.