Sunday, December 4, 2011

The Scary Face Club: December Inductees (Old Lady Edition)

I don't love the idea of themes but honestly this month, I was a little stumped when thinking of new members to induct into the Scary Face Club! Suddenly I remembered that it was the holiday season. The holidays, like them or not, always open to the door to a plethora of possibilities. For instance, I could have done the Scary Face Club--Little People edition, or the Scary Face Club: Reindeer edition (Just kidding there aren't really any scary Reindeer out there)--instead, I settled on one of my more latent fears--old women. Which is a nod to Mrs. Claus, who never seems to get any credit, besides I'm pretty sure she doesn't actually exist. (In the MYTH you guys. I don't actually believe in Santa Claus...jeesh)

It's not that I find all old women to be scary. Puh-lease, my grandmother is the sweetest of the bunch. It's just that in horror movies, old women always sneak up on you in the most unfair ways. They seem like regular old women but then something always happens that FREAKS you out. So therefore here are 5 scary old women that deserve some Scary Face Club lovin'.

Old Lady


As I said in my review of Insidious, this woman (who is actually played by a man) is nobody's friend. Sure, she is mostly just a re-done Mary Shaw from Dead Silence, but for some reason her scariness gets turned up by 5,000 here. Is it because she's wearing a weird veil? Is it the backstory of her being in the background of all the Dad's pictures, and getting closer and closer in each one? Is it because she seems to hide in closets and only come out when we are at our most vulnerable? Is it because she probably smells like moth balls and old cheese? YES. All of the above.

Sylvia Ganush

(Drag Me to Hell)

Sylvia Ganush is kind of like an olio of everything scary and gross about old women. Glass eye, bad teeth, terrible breath, regurgitates bugs, is a witch/gypsy. She performs really outrageous curses on you when you're just doing your job and she breaks into your car and tries to kill you. She is kind of the worst.

She's also kind of extremely scary when you are trying to get a good night's sleep, then roll over to your other side and suddenly come face to face with her scariness. Sure, there are scarier looking old women out there. But is anyone really comparable to Sylvia in terms of grossness? I'm sorry, but an old woman vomiting bugs and mud into my mouth IS the scariest thing in the world. No contest.

Old Lady


Naturally when I forget a scary old lady's name, I just call them old lady. Here we have that old lady neighbor of Beverly in IT who is sweet and kind one minute, and then scary and face melty and gross the next. Oh did I mention she isn't really an old lady, she's actually PENNYWISE just up to his usual shenanigans? Well now you know. And P.S. that makes her much scarier.

But honestly, that melting face, red, sores......face probably falling off in clumps. Bleck! She is one old lady I never want to see in my dreams.

Old Lady in Tub

(The Shining)

What would a list of scary old ladies be without the naked old lady in the tub? When I first saw the Shining, hiding behind a pillow in my basement, I was so unbelievably disgusted and terrified when this part happened. First of all nakedness scares me. But old lady nakedness? Old lady nakedness that involves a rotting old lady naked body? WHY GOD WHY. Plus she cackles while being naked and rotting. Ooooh the humanity.

Old Lady

(The House on Haunted Hill)

Although this lady isn't really the scariest old lady I've ever seen, she makes it on the list because of how unusually and unexpectedly scary this little scene is. It's so surprising, and creepy. Especially because of how she just rolls away on a skateboard at the end. She also has that crazy look in her eye and her hair is all wispy and gross. She's scary okay?!


Jason said...

The old lady in Drag Me to Hell makes me laugh when I think about her scenes. The old lady in The Shining makes me check behind the shower curtain sometimes when I have to pee at 3am. I hope she'll never be there. :( :( :(

Spooky Sean said...

Good word, olio. I also would have accepted hodgepodge.

Anonymous said...

How about the witch who gives Snow White the apple in the version with Sigourney Weaver, and actually played by her?

Andre Dumas said...

Jason, she'll be there one of these days.....!

Olio is my favorite crossword clue! I'm so glad I got the chance to use it in a sentence.

Totally Anonymous. Although I haven't seen that version in sometime, it is on Netflix but I keep forgetting to indulge. Perhaps today is the day!

Sarah E. Jahier said...

Awesome list! All freaky choices, but the old lady from The House on Haunted Hill is one of my faves!

Chris Hewson said...

Oh yes, there ARE terrifying reindeer! In the MST3K fodder Santa Clause!