The Beyond: Creepy Ginger Alert!

After watching several Italian horror films I have decided to give up on ever understanding what is going on- and just take in the beauty of the blood and the shots. The Beyond is one of those movies that has tons of lovers and tons of haters- and to be honest I'm not entirely sure where I stand. On the one hand there were many miraculous things happening- amazing death scenes, a nightmarish atmosphere, beautiful shots of blood- but on the other, there is bad editing, and prolonged scenes that do little except reveal the bad effects and makeup. I guess I'll have to come to my decision at the end of this post.

Every single synopsis of this movie that I have read is pretty much wrong. Even in the Bravo segment the person who explains the movie is 100% wrong. I'm not sure why this is, but I have a hunch that it has to do with how NOBODY understands what is going on in this movie. From what I can tell- Eliza has inherited an old hotel in Lousiana which happens to be located over one of the gateways to hell. When the gates are opened the undead are free to roam and whilst fixing up the hotel- many are killed by the ghouls who lurk in the underworld. The synopsis on my Netflix movie says the tenants get killed one by one- Bravo talks about how a man realizes his house is a portal to the underworld- it's all very dodgy but I'm pretty sure I have the gist of it.

Now the greatest thing about this movie I thought, was the originality of the deaths. Have you ever wondered what it would look like if you whipped someone with a heavy chain?

Pretty gruesome. I actually really enjoyed that opening scene and although whipping someone with a chain is not something usually done- it was really interesting to be able to see that happen. Another wacky death scene is when the mother of Joe the plumber gets all that acid dumped onto her face. While the effects are pretty shoddy- it's still enough gore and blood to satisfy the gore hounds. And then we have....the spider scene. I know. Another fucking spider scene. For some reason I felt it necessary to watch every movie that has a toe curling spider scene in it this week. And why does it always have to be my least favorite kind of tarantula (big, black and orange) why why why!!? That scene was horrific- although way too prolonged in my opinion- and a lot of the fake spiders were laughably fake. The scene was still quite effective however and is one that will stay with you for a long time.

One thing about all these awesome deaths though- is how strange the blood acts. Apparently falling a few feet onto the ground elicits a geyser of blood from your mouth that doesn't stop, and shards of glass cause explosions of blood on your face? Hah actually in that window breaking scene- the guy's face starts spurting out blood where there is absolutely no glass- it's a pretty good example of what I'm talking about. I wouldn't say the blood was excessive or over the top- it was surreal which certainly added to the nightmarish quality of the film and the overall sense of never really knowing what the hell was going on.

By the end of film I found myself scratching my head, trying to understand the concept of the beyond and what it actually meant. Not entirely understanding a movie however isn't a deal breaker for me- as I still can appreciate a lot of this film. There are many beautiful and horrific things about it- but it just wasn't anything that wowed me. I loved the eeriness of the empty hospital, and how all the zombie people cornered them. I don't know... maybe I'm just Argento biased, but Fulci just doesn't evoke the same amount of power that a lot of Argento's films do. Again, I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that most of Fulci's shots are really strange, and some of the scenes were unbearably and in my opinion unnecessarily long. Of course the total rip off of the dog scene in Suspiria didn't help things! There was a really cool idea in this movie but I didn't feel like it was as fleshed out as much as it could be. Superb death sequences and a few stunning moments did keep my attention though- but I still expected more!!

Oh two more things. Why can't people ever grasp the concept of shooting zombies in the head? That doctor with the gun drove me nuts. He even discovered that the shot to the head is what kills them- but he continues to shoot them in the stomach! Also- thank GOD he shot that creepy ginger girl. If I had to look at her creepy ginger eyebrows one more time I was going to vom.

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The Dead Zone: Life Lesson #2- When Your Life Is Endangered, Grab the Nearest Baby.

The Dead Zone is a movie that I feel often gets looked over especially in lieu of other great Stephen King adaptions like The Shining and Carrie. But I've come to tell you that I whole heartily enjoy The Dead Zone and always have a good cry and shout of anguish when Christopher Walken awakes to find his life is horribly changed.

After a terrible accident involving a giant milk truck- Christopher Walken enters a coma for 5 years. Upon waking up he finds out two very surprising things; the love of his life had moved on, gotten married and had a kid AND he can see people's past, present and future when he makes physical contact with them. Soon police want his power to track down murderers and lots of random people want him to track down lost cats. When all is said and done however Chris Walken just wants to live his life! This proves difficult when he discovers that the fate of the world could be in jeopardy unless he does something about it.

Now I think what most people talk about with this movie is the scissor scene- which is amazing. I am pretty confident in saying that I will be making this screen shot my beautiful blood shot of the week soon so keep a look out.

Just imagining doing that kind of suicide gives me the extreme willies. It's like...seriously? There's no gun laying around that you would rather use or something else not as extremely painful? It wasn't even an immediate death. Seeing him fidget and twitch afterwards was possibly worse than seeing him put his hands behind his head and open his mouth! Now, as much as I love this movie I think I am most invested and in love during the beginning and when Christopher Walken finally decides to help the police with the murder cases. After that I think it tends to lose it's luster which is perhaps why this movie often gets over looked.

Christopher Walken's turmoil however will never fail to amaze me. Imagine your entire life being changed in the matter of 10 seconds. Imagine the world continuing to progress around you while you lay comatose and unaffected for 5 years. The scene where he finds out his woman has moved on is especially heartbreaking and it's pretty obvious that broad wastes no time getting busy. Perhaps even more heartbreaking is when she comes over one night for a fun time of sex and dinner with her baby. And then once again when Christopher Walken opens his door one day to find his woman's husband passing out election flyers! It's a constant cycle of heart break and anguish- which makes the ending all the more powerful.

Now the ending. Hah. I know I can't be the only person who laughs out loud mercilessly when Martin Sheen grabs the baby to protect himself from the assassination attempt. Classic! Honestly what kind of person do you have to be to use a baby as a bullet proof vest...? So hilarious. While I wasn't a fan of Martin Sheen's acting ability- particularly the flash forward scene- this ending makes up for any mistake that he'll ever do in his entire life.

So when all is said and done I found many parts of this movie to be strikingly beautiful- the shot of the boys falling through the ice, and the blood splatter on the magazine.

It's an interesting story and one that doesn't focus primarily on the horror aspect. While not overtly horrific, bloody and scary- the movie goes much deeper than that- serving up to us an often overlooked aspect of horror- wasted time, regret and other such human emotions that are hard to understand unless you've been through them yourself.

Terror Train: Back When David Copperfield Was Cool.

Oooh David Copperfield. You stole my heart in this movie.

Sigh. Terror Train and Prom Night were pretty much filmed at the same time and it's funny because they are pretty much the same movie. Both begin with an "accident" which causes our killer to strike back some years later to stake their revenge. Terror Train gets more points in my book however because A. it's on a train and B. David Copperfield was really doing his magic for the cheap seats in the back. Seriously what a show.

So we begin a few years back to a raucous frat party. A strange and not really funny prank is played on some geeky creepy kid- causing him to get wrapped up in a bunch of curtains. Apparently getting wrapped up in curtains makes one go crazy? I seriously thought the kid died until the ending of the entire movie came. Turns out he just went crazy and killed someone. And P.S. what is with these shitty and random pranks? First The Burning and now this? I don't care if you are a med student- normal people don't steal corpses and use them for a prank. First off it's not very funny and secondly- whose bed was that corpse in? Sick.

So fast forward to senior year where Jamie Lee Curtis is graduating early and her boyfriend throws a big party on a train. A costume party! I'm not sure about this but I think the theme was "random costume that doesn't make sense"- seriously, girl with the big pants and fake hand touching her boob? What is that? Jamie Lee Curtis? Ugly pirate really? Egads I'm so full of judgement today it's spectacular! SO soon people start getting killed- and not just any people...the very same people involved in that terrible prank! Who is the killer and how did he do it? And why doesn't David Copperfield do magic shows with dance numbers anymore?

The movie is kind of slow and pretty ridiculous. But that's where all the fun comes in. While most of the kills are off screen and pretty unoriginal- the endless scenes with David Copperfield and the stupidity of all the characters- more than make up for it. Jamie Lee Curtis is mannish and as weird looking as ever- and I seriously laughed out loud when I thought David Copperfield's assistant was her (if you've seen this you know why that would later make me laugh). There aren't too many thrills however which was a bit disappointing- but I blame that on the fact that David Copperfield's hair was thrilling enough for everyone- so it's OK. One of my favorite parts was when Doc was distressed over his friend's death- and after crying and ripping open his shirt he kept shouting "I'm a doctor! I'm a doctor!" Thank God a "doctor" was there- who else would have known that to save someone you have to cry like a baby and touch their bloody wounds with your infested hands?

Terror Train isn't a diamond in the rough that's for sure- but it still provides a decent amount of entertainment- and some serious burning questions. The most important one being; where can I get one of these hats?

The second most important question is...how does that quarter trick work?!

Now for your viewing pleasure- a compilation of David Copperfield's best moments!

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