Silver Bullet: I Love You, The Peace Maker

You know what I love about werewolf movies? They are essentially just whodunit murder mysteries with more blood and psychological undertones. And I love that. I also love saying whodunit because it's one word and it looks totally made up as a real word but it IS a real word.

I believe it has been.....a very long time since I've watched a werewolf movie. And I don't know why because every time I sit down and watch one after a hiatus of not watching them--I say to myself: "Why don't I watch more werewolf movies?" Why indeed.

I remember watching Silver Bullet a very long time ago. My Dad had been watching it on TV and was enthralled by the fact that the kid's wheelchair was motorized. So was I come to think of it. That thing is badass.

I remember the ending chase scene and dual feeling of excitement and terror. The same two feelings I get when running on the treadmill past 4.0 MPH.

Taking place in a small town probably in Maine, Silver Bullet also reminds me how much I love small town horror movies. Small towns are breeding grounds for the best characters you will ever find in a movie. Here are your crazy Ralph's, your old Church ladies, your racist and politically confused neighbors. Small towns rock. Plus they make us feel compassionate for just about everyone (minus the racist and politically confused neighbor) who dies---which is quite a feat for a horror movie when you think about it.

To put it simply, Silver Bullet is one of the best werewolf movies out there for several reasons. It'll charm the pants off you (I'm pretty sure it's the only horror movie to make me cry at the end). The artistic splaying of dead bodies is something to gawk at.

And the werewolf is one of the craftiest motherfuckers I've ever had the pleasure of watching. I know we're in an age now where we can't expect to be surprised by the modern developments of seemingly classic movie monsters, but seeing that werewolf climb up a terrace or beat someone up with the Peace Maker is kind of the best thing that ever happened to me.

Which reminds me. The Peace Maker (captial P, son!) is my new favorite thing. I'm totally going to carry that around from now on and break up fights with it. Of course one very important thing to remember about the Peacemaker.... good for breaking up fights in bars.

Not so good for killing werewolves.

BUT, good for werewolves to kill people with.

While I'm at it. Does anyone else feel funny when they see John Locke with hair?

Perhaps not as funny as you would feel when seeing "Father" from People Under the Stairs playing a different kind of Father.

 Especially since the last time I saw him, he was wearing this.

Of course neither of those things even come close to the kind of funny you feel when you realize that Gary Busey is your Uncle.

Sorry, I'm all amped up and excited about werewolves which as we all know creates a feeling of total inhibition within me causing me to just blog my thoughts as they are directly pouring into my head. I better go now before I say something I regret.


PS: Rest in peace....the Peace Maker.

The world is a cruel, cruel place.

Piranha: It Wasn't Supposed To Be Like This

I didn't plan on watching all of Piranha. I planned on taking a moment (perhaps 5 minutes) to laugh and ridicule the senselessness of the boobs and CGI piranhas. Maybe even setting aside an extra hour to giggle at bad acting and writing. Who knows? I was open to the vast possibilities of giggles. Then all of a sudden something weird happened. There I was rolling my eyes at a horribly CGI laden opening scene when I became pulled in by the sheer ridiculousness of everything. Boobs were everywhere, Elisabeth Shue was there, people's legs were being bitten off, topless parachuting happened---it was like having a fever induced dream after eating a gigantic plate of sandwiches and falling asleep to The Grind.


Remember the Grind?

Anyways. Fast forward to now when I just realized the credits were rolling. How was it possible that I watched the entire movie? It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to hate you! Is it possible there is some part of me that was entertained???? Alright fine you got me.

My name is Andre and I enjoyed Piranha.


So listen. While the film is stockpiled high with outrageous boobs and stupidity, it also is just a healthy dose of mindless fun. Although I don't know if it's entirely mindless really. There were a few moments of good old fashioned restraint. Well, restraint as in....a topless parachuter's half eaten body hung eerily motionless in the air and I got all inappropriately excited.

Not THAT kind of inappropriately excited....jeeez. I mean like it was beautifully done in a really tasteless, awesome way. Does that make sense? I didn't think so.

My point is that I give Piranha props for:

A. Being a movie that teenage boys can masturbate happily to.
B. Using CGI to fool people into thinking the gore would be lackluster
C. Making me extremely nervous around boat propellers
D. Elisabeth Shue

Sure, it also has a rather uncanny ability to make you feel creepy for watching it. Naked faux-lesbian moments underwater. Errant penis floating in the water. Jerry O'Connell being..... creepy. That uncomfortable moment when you realize you've just volunteered to be in a Girl's Gone Wild video. There's pretty much endless amounts of creepy. But it's all creepy and fun at the same time. Or if you're  a weird pervert, then it's TITS CITY YEAH MAN.

Anyways. I couldn't help but notice that Piranha reminds me fondly of Tremors and...........huh? Sorry I just drifted off into I love Tremors land for a solid 20 minutes. I love that movie. But I also love that feeling of feeling trapped along with the main characters. Yeah so Piranha doesn't have that solid balance of horror and comedy (it's pretty much all comedy and boobs) (plus there's no Kevin Bacon) (AND EARL) but it's still a solid entry in the animals gone wild subgenre.

Honestly, I didn't think it would be my cup of tea but I was surprised that I did come away enjoying it. The gore and carnage is kind of extreme in some ways. I mean really---that beginning segment was like a giant ball of 'are you kidding me?'

It looked like a Sy-Fy original movie--you know the kind where the special effects guy lets his five year old take control? Wait, is there any other kind of Sy-Fy movie? Then all of sudden it was like BAM incredibly gross and realistic looking piranha bites. BAM I'm gonna pull your face off when your hair gets caught in a boat propeller. Barf. I don't recommend watching this while eating ribs.

Overall. I didn't hate it. Let's all rejoice! And now I'm going to watch Tremors.

High Tension: I'm Fairly Certain the Killer was Quint

Well it only took me 3 years--but I finally watched High Tension the whole way through. Actually come to think of it, I don't think I've told anyone (Not even you GOD) what happened on that night so long ago when I put in the High Tension DVD for the first time. Gather round children, gather round.

Obviously when starting out in my horror movie watching career, I immediately became infatuated with French horror. I hit all the main stops...Martyrs, Inside, Frontiers, Them--and I was ready to round out the set by watching the infamous High Tension. I wasn't that pumped about it..mostly because I had mistakenly watched a Youtube review of it where the reviewer let spill the ending within the first minute or two of the review. Although I thought it an insanely overdone plot twist, I knew I could not ignore watching the film whether I wanted to or not.

Fast forward to one of those lonely and exciting nights of movie watching. Glass of milk, giant cupcake, cats, slipper socks you name it--I was ready to finally watch High Tension so people could stop bothering me about it. And then, a funny thing happened. I got to the part where Alexia's father's head pops off and I turned it off. Not because it was gory but because it annoyed me. Knowing the eventual turn of events made me incredibly sour and dubious of the movie's overall charm. What was the point I thought? And I didn't try again for 3 years.

Recently, I've been getting a few emails from readers who are kind enough to give me movie recommendations. Almost all of them suggest High Tension and every single time someone does I get all guilty in that "What movie? Oh...yeah I LOVE that movie.....that everyone totally loves a lot but I haven't seen" kind of way. I felt like I had seen it because I knew the route things were going so in my mind I pretended that I had seen it and just never talked about it.

I'm not sure what happened to me between then and now but tonight when I finally sat and watched the movie the whole way through--I became extremely intrigued. Instead of being bothered by the eventual ending I became interested in how we got to that ending. I wanted to delve into the why instead of the how the fuck is that possible? And it totally worked.

I'm going to start spouting off stuff about the ending, so unless you want things ruined you can leave now!

People's number one complaint about High Tension is that it doesn't make sense. How on earth can Marie be driving an old rape truck and a flashy sports car at the same time? How can she hit herself in the face with a spiky mallet thing? Why does she never die?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again---as movie watchers we need to be worrying a lot less about the how and more about the why. Why did the filmmaker choose to present the story in this fashion? What purpose does this method of storytelling serve? Okay, I feel like a college professor now but whatever. I'm serious. Turn off the logic button and just think about the bigger picture.

The old rapey guy in the rape truck who strongly resembles Quint is not Marie--but a manifestation of her sexual frustrations and anger. He symbolizes that part of her she so greatly detests. The part of her that thrives on emotions and gets angry at the world because the girl of her dreams is not a lesbian. He also symbolizes a terrorist because he kills a dog for no reason. Oh and a child...I guess.

Just stop taking things so literally audience. Jeez. Yes, the film is great also in that gooey blood and gore way but I think the main drive behind it at least for me, is this more psychological aspect. Has Marie always been a nut job? What is it about Alexia's family that suddenly pushes her over the edge? All these questions and more will visit my head tonight as I drift off into dream world. A magical land where Morgan Freeman buys me sandwiches and narrates my life to make it sound like I have a purpose other than eating sandwiches.

I'm not crazy about the other aspects of the story...it's kind of redundant. Even though it's only an hour and a half long it kind of feels like two hours. There's a lot of hiding and stupid decisions happening. It's not my favorite French film obviously but it does get a lot of points for making me think.

And also now I can join people in actual conversations and say things that are smart and maybe even right. I am also wondering....if it benefits one to know the ending before watching it? Hmmm no.... no I think definitely not. Perhaps it's best to watch it blind the first time--do some jumping jacks to get out the anger and frustration and then watch it again knowing the ending. I think you'll come away with some interesting conclusions and diagnoses on your own. Plus, the killer is totally Quint. Who's kidding who here?