Poltergeist Month Continues...A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Work

Dear community I was once apart of,

A funny thing happened to me the other day. Typically I don't tell people about what happens in my life--quite frankly it's because I'm boring as shit and also I don't like talking to people I do not know. But this. Yes, this was out of the ordinary and completely unbelievable. This is also a way to tell you my story as I feel most of you have turned against me and believe me to be some sort of monster. Well you were wrong. I am no monster, just a man who forgot to lock his car door.

It happened just like any other day. I had my briefcase and a smile on my face. I was going into work for the first time with a sense of purpose, a sense of dignity. It was on that day that I would be making my big presentation at work. I had been practicing for weeks and barely sleeping. That morning I was completely focused. I got inside the car, put my briefcase in the passenger seat and began reciting my presentation inside my head.

When I pulled into a parking spot at my office I suddenly heard the most peculiar noise, a snore. I looked in the back seat and was aghast. A young girl was sleeping in the backseat! I began to scream, which caused the girl to awake. She was confused at first, then slowly realized where she was and began screaming louder than I was. Soon people came running, wondering what all this early morning screaming was about. I tried to compose myself and began asking the girl how she had gotten in the backseat. She began to cry and exclaimed that she didn't remember. The last thing she remembered was getting into her bed. Someone near me informed me that they had called the police while I began wildly exclaiming that it wasn't my fault, she had simply been there the whole time! Honestly I told them, if my intentions had been to kidnap her why would I let her sleep freely in the backseat, and not tie her up in my trunk. Logic fails most people these days.

The police arrived and took down some of my report. They were however rudely interrupted when the girl's parents arrived and her father came at me like some mad man. He exclaimed that I had kidnapped his daughter while she was sleeping in her bed. A genius plot devised by me no doubt when I decided to go for a leisurely stroll in the middle of the night and then steal a little girl from her bedroom! He demanded that the police arrest me, while his daughter under went an examination to determine whether or not I had abused her! The worst of it all was that I missed my presentation and was fired. My boss saw me being arrested and terminated me immediately. He said it didn't look good for the company to have one of his employees be labeled as a kidnapper/rapist.

Well, you know the rest. The girl had no marks of abuse, and it was determined that she had slept walked down the street and gotten in my car to finish sleeping. Her father seemed unable to trust these results and demanded that I move out of town before he killed me himself. Life couldn't have been worse. Currently I am jobless and people think I kidnap little girls. But I don't. And now you know.

Sincerely,

Howard Jenkins

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Curtains: La La La Curtains

I wasn't lying the other day when I said I always thought Curtains was about window treatments. The truth is I could never remember hearing too much about it--just in passing or quick glimpses of some wretched looking woman wielding a sickle. That was all I needed to get interested however as that scary old woman intrigued me far more than anything else I had been yearning to see. I knew I had made the right decision as soon as the movie began and Samantha Eggar stood on a dimly lit stage delivering a monologue that was so brilliantly cheesy and divine at the same time that I couldn't help but smile.
I suppose when a horror movie caters to something you enjoy you tend to love it more. Personally I used to love acting and I still love British accents. Win and win.

The plot is as follows, director Jonathan Stryker is casting the role of Audra in his new film. Samantha Sherwood, a shoe in for the role (and Stryker's something something on the side) has herself committed to a mental institution to do some true character development. Once she finds out that Stryker is holding a casting at his mansion with six other girls, she escapes in order to exact her revenge.

By the by--I believe a few days ago when talking about The Prowler I pointed out that I wasn't the biggest fan of Slasher movies. Curtains is a Slasher and yet I found myself enjoying it. Why? Because I love catty woman in the 80s who lust after the shapely body of John Vernon.

It's like a more tasteful version of Showgirls except with murder! Sure every now and then things move a little slowly but at least what happens in between is entertaining. Plus, the entire premise is just interesting to me. It's not just some killer stalking people and killing them, it's some unstable jealous woman who really wants a part in a movie. YES!

In all actuality nothing beats a really creepy mask and a really creepy doll.

It's pretty much the most fool proof way to achieve greatness. Not only was that doll creepy (as most dolls are by default) but this doll's size paired with her strange ability to grab people was most exquisite. You know what really made me appreciate it was that it brought back the idea of a killer's calling card, which I find to be slightly absent nowadays.

I was probably most impressed however by the length of some of the kills. The ice skating scene of course for one but also towards the end when Tara is being chased in the backstage prop shed. What a great place to build suspense! It was drawn out, but it was pretty damn nerve wracking the entire time. There's that whole horror movie cliche of a room filled with things that could be the murderer. You know like in I Know What You Did Last Summer when there are all those mannequins under the plastic or even in Jeepers Creepers where there are scarecrows. Just because these are cliches doesn't mean they aren't effective. Beat on the mirror cliche all you want but it scares me to death just about every time. Similarly this cliche is used extremely effectively. Whoever decided the proper way to hang mannequins would be by their necks is both a lunatic and a genius. That was some messed up stuff and I loved every minute of it.

And then of course, few things are better in life than Samantha Eggar playing our leading crazy lady. Is it wrong I just want to listen to her voice lull me to sleep every night? Those British accents are really tricky. I can never tell if a British person is a good actor or if I just really love their accents. Those tricky bastards! I'm pretty Samantha Eggar is fabulous and we'll just leave it at that.

Now to mention a few point of greatness. Yes, Curtains inspires greatness because it isn't afraid to take a really long time to build something up. Whether it be....ice skating in the cold winter air,

or doing a really awkward warm up dance for 10 minutes.

Curtains is there when we need it and never hides from its true self. It also addresses the age old problem of figuring out what to do with a severed head. Lately we are finding more and more heads turning up in toilet bowls and I must say it really makes perfect sense.

And finally Curtains is just all around my cup of tea. It's cheesy, it's hilarious (although maybe not intentionally), it's a little scary and it's a lot entertaining. Well, entertaining for me and anyone else who gauges entertainment by the number of awkward faces and haircuts present in the film. Well look, I know it may not be the best movie out there, please... that title is reserved for Pee Wee's Big Adventure, but Curtains may slowly but surely be entering my favorite horror movies shelf. Of which there is no actual shelf--just a pretend one I keep stored in my head. The only problem with Curtains is that it is not released on DVD. This breaks my heart, but if you are feeling adventurous you can watch it on YouTube I guess.

City of the Living Dead: Can't Say I Didn't Try.

Well here I am. Watching another Fulci film and trying to understand what exactly it is about them that does not sit well with me. As best as I can tell, I think my taste buds just do not take to Fulci the way others do. Some people like mushrooms, some people don't. Perhaps the better film to food analogy for me is that while most people dig really spicy Mexican food---I do not. Therefore while most people really dig Fulci films--I do not. See? Perfect sense. From a more logical stand point, I think my mind has a really hard time finding something to take away from a Fulci film. So far after seeing Zombi 2, The Beyond, Cat in the Brain, and The Black Cat (which was a mistake in more than one way) I can't remember ever feeling legitimately creeped out by anything. Nothing made me feel uneasy and I can't remember feeling very affected. It's weird for me to say that because I can very easily get creeped out- and what's more, a lot of people cite some of these films as being insanely creepy. So why dammit can't I feel the same way?

I used to think my main distaste for Fulci came from the fact that I am not a horror fan who thrives on the existence of gore and...stuff. I define myself as someone who can appreciate gore and who loves the aesthetic quality more than anything. When films rely solely on that gore I find that my attention wavers and I'm left with little to talk or get excited about. I would still believe this if it wasn't for that little nagging voice telling me that people love Fulci films who also do not necessarily care about gore. Therein lies my confusion. Something must be genetically wrong with me I guess.

Anyways. A priest hangs himself and opens up the gates of hell, allowing really strong zombies to roam the earth and kill people. That's all you really need to know. I've found that simplifying these Italian plots is the key to a better enjoyment, although it still doesn't make me feel any better about what the hell was going on.

First off let's get it out of the way. This movie made me feel really nauseous. Nothing upsets me more in this world than seeing a scene involving vomiting and reading IMDB trivia to find out that that was real vomiting. Vomiting up sheep entrails nonetheless. Yeah. This does two things to me. It makes me absolutely repulsed that an actress would actually do that and I get angry that I'll never be able to remove that image from my head. I knew that people talked about that scene as being gross (BJ-C even brought it up in our dual post) but I had no IDEA that there would be gross belching sounds and....realness. Ugh. I guess that experience put a damper on things. Then there's plenty of skulls being ripped open, rats eating brains, liquefied bodies with worms, and a snow storm of maggots.

There was even a little scene that suddenly made me realize how much I hate fingernail trauma.

Gah! I really hate that. But see all these things made me like the film even less. This gore is not enjoyable. I can't even begin to enjoy a film where the gore makes me feel physically ill. I just can't. And I rarely get physically ill, I should mention. I watched people eating poop for Christ's sake so don't get all judgey wudgey on me. Fulci's moments of gore are extended way beyond the normal boundaries of mankind. Forcing your audience to look at something disgusting for 5 minutes makes little sense to me.

Moving on to things I can appreciate. I really enjoyed that scene where all the bodies are waking up in the crypt and they come out all old and skeleton-like. We need more of that. I noticed this when watching Return of the Living Dead recently, walking skeletons are really neat. They've got stringy hair and are all decrepit--I love that. I'm sick of all these zombies who look like they just dropped dead yesterday. Even the ones who weren't skeletons were all pus filled and moldy. It felt genuine. As genuine as dead people that can walk gets I suppose. I also should say I did get creeped out one time, when we saw the priest hanging before the dreaded puke scene.

Don't you hate when you are starting your car up in the dark, and turn on the headlights and see a dead priest swinging from a rafter? Me too. I guess this stems from me hating seeing hanging people, but that really just was creepy as hell. I also enjoy when glass bleeds.

Now I know I said before that I'm done trying to make sense of things in these films, but I really can't get over the fact that the walking dead can be gotten rid of so easily. Just a stick in the stomach and poof--no more city of the living dead. I also can't figure out why that guy drilled through that guy's head. Talk about overreacting. Which brings up another important question, who the hell was that guy? I thought he was a dead person as soon as he came on the screen. Actually I rephrase that question, who the hell was anybody? I have no idea who was who or when they got introduced or what they were doing there. You've got our guy with a beard, guy that saves girl from coffin, Psychic girl, and other blonde girl. Then little kid, whose sister was....puking out intestines girl? I don't know. I don't know who anyone was. This is also bothersome.

Yes there was "atmosphere", fog machines, creepy monkeys or birds or something in the trees, and dead people. But let's get real--the dead people really don't make an appearance for quite some time. We see that one corpse rise pretty early on in the film and then nothing comes of it. Instead we get stupid characters, talking about stupid things. Bah I'm getting bitter again.

Basically, I find that I have once again come to a dead end when faced with a Fulci film. Berate me all you want but I can't help it if I don't like really spicy Mexican food. I don't even really like Mexican food THAT much. There, I said it. Next time, thanks to some recommendations via Twitter--I will watching some earlier Giallo of the Fulci. Let's see if this will solve my problems of self loathing and distaste. Fingers crossed. Oh! I forgot one more thing I really hate--that fucking music! It wasn't creepy to me it was just really really annoying. *Dun dun DRUM BEAT dun dun DRUM BEAT* It made me want to ram my head into a wall. Okay that's all.