Aftermath: Dead Vagina is a Very Scary Thing

There was a brief period in my life when I considered being a medical examiner. By brief period I mean about one hour out of the entire 24 years of my life. My thinking was that hey--I've always secretly wanted to be a doctor but was too afraid I would kill someone so......if the person is already dead then....... right. I imagine that's the same logic a serial killer employs when they think about becoming a medical examiner--or the logic that our resident pervy medical examiner from Aftermath employed at least. Like-- hey I've always wanted to rape someone but didn't want to get caught. Yup.

In the film which runs at about 28 minutes, features a snapshot of a medical examiner's nightly routine. As we soon find out, the man has a very unhealthy relationship with his work. Somehow the term necrophiliac just doesn't seem like a good enough word to describe this horror.

After subjecting myself to 28 minutes of Aftermath (which is still too long in my opinion) I have come to the conclusion that everything that is said about Aftermath--is true. It is vile, disgusting, nauseating, intriguing, well done (admit it) and ultimately very--disturbing. It is in fact so disturbing that I felt incredibly bad for the dead girl getting raped because it looked so painful. He literally *fucks* her with a knife. There's also this whole idea of him being physically turned on by the insides of a body. He masturbates with his hand inside of the woman's chest...

I should mention that when I say "dead girl" I don't mean a zombie girl getting raped by a couple of high school students looking to get laid. I mean of course a dead girl whose body has been given a complete autopsy. This short snippet of vileness never hides what is going on. It is very blatantly a raping of a dead, bloody and disgusting body. This act is so horrifying that it is very clearly one of those can't look away moments. It's simultaneously the most horrific and exciting car accident that you will ever see.

Once when I was back in my staying up really late and watching weird TV shows stage, I caught a program that showed a real life autopsy being performed. I can tell you right now that the gore, and the procedure in Aftermath was scarily similar to this in almost every way. The detail of the layers of yellow fat underneath the skin made my stomach turn and I am not easily squeamish. Aftermath is one of those situations where the gore is too real for comfort. It's like watching one of those surgery shows on TV--it's not entertaining when it's real and Aftermath feels so real.

The gore however isn't really the truly disturbing aspect of the film though. Mostly it's the rape of a dead body--but it's also just the inclusion of the dead bodies in the environment of that cold and empty room.

Something about how dead the people were, and what happens to them both in the raping sense and in just the plain autopsy sense is very invasive. Their bodies in both instances are treated with a sort of violence that is equally hard to withstand. On the autopsy side, organs are spilled out and violently shoved back into the chest cavity. They are sewn up, briefly hosed down and stuffed bloody body and all into a plastic bag.

It was just a very strange instance of shamefulness for me. I felt like I was invading on someones privacy. I for some reason (maybe because I'm human) do not enjoy watching someone get raped who cannot fight back. It's a very eerie thing to watch unfold.

There's surprisingly a great amount of things happening in Aftermath. We don't know anyone's names except for the victims for instance--which again is only further expanding on the idea of how exposed they are. Their naked dead body parts are everywhere (dead vagina is terrifying by the way) and we know their names. The implications of that simple concept are quite powerful if you think about it. The most we really see of the pervy guy is his eyes--

while on the flip side, we literally see every single part of the dead people--inside and out. To suggest that a dead body has more outwardly characteristics noted is saying a great deal about the perv. Is he really a person if we know nothing about him? It's pretty obvious to see that he is not in a wider sense a human being. He is a monster.

It's things like this that make Aftermath more interesting than I would have anticipated. Normally I would cast this film off as just a giant yell for attention. An attempt to be as disturbing as you can be. But I do sense there is a point to all this madness. In a film that is largely about every disgusting detail of every organ in the human body-- when there is a shot as simple and tasteful as this thrown in

it means something. Yes it is disgusting, and hard to watch but it is also an interesting commentary on so many things--and it's only 28 minutes long. That friends, is impressive. One day I will examine this film more closely and prove to you all just how intelligent it may in fact be.

Dead Silence: All The Things She Said Running Through My Head Running Through My Head ALL THE THINGS SHE SAID

Sometimes Netflix plays tricks on you. One minute you're waiting in eager anticipation for The Baby to be delivered to you and the next, Dead Silence is being sent to you because The Baby decided to fall into the dreaded, "Long Wait" land. I keep forgetting to populate the top of my queue with films that I actually want to see in case this ever happens but darn it--I FORGOT. This is why I was subjected to an hour and 30 minutes of terribleness. Curse you Dead Silence and all you Saw loving people that made it.

I will tell you all right now that I hate movies like Dead Silence. I have many reasons for this so don't worry but I'm letting you know right now that I hate it. Actually, I just ate a pretzel and changed my mind. Instead of a review this post is going to be a list of reasons why I hate Dead Silence.

1. Sloppiness

Dead Silence, like many of the more current horror films being released is interesting in its idea yet poorly executed. Dead Silence falls victim to bad story telling in this case and is populated by the ever pressing need to cram as many ridiculous things into it at once. We start with a simple premise of a woman who was mysteriously murdered by what appears to be a ventriloquist dummy. We then catch wind of some broad named Mary Shaw who happens to have her own creepy nursery rhyme. THEN there's some old town history. THEN the real story behind Mary Shaw and THEN the idea of all of her ventriloquist dummies being her children, THEN the fact that Mary probably killed some kid and how her dummies all can come to life yet she only decides to use Billy and then oh right if you scream, she kills you and blah blah blah then PLOT TWIST. Right.

The plot of this movie is perfectly aligned to the image of Mary Shaw's tongue licking people.

It feels stupid, it looks stupid and it is stupid. There's simply too many ridiculous things happening at once that it becomes hard for it to hold your attention.

2. Improper Use of Creepy Dolls

Creepy dolls are one of those things that is not hard to mess up. By nature, dolls are creepy, and putting them in any movie is usually a sure way to win a lot of scares. The problem with Dead Silence is that it completely abuses that power. The dolls are not scary in Dead Silence because they look too current, feel kind of Gothic (Billy's eyeliner was a little thick), and are often assisted by use of CGI. Not only that, they just don't do anything creepy other than move their eyes to the side.

I expected Dead Silence to scare the pants off of me in the doll department. I was once so terrified of a Daisy Duck marionette puppet I had received as a Christmas present, that I threw it in my closet and never looked back. Dead Silence however, made me laugh. What a waste of some real creepy potential.

3. Improper Use of Donnie Wahlberg

I came to a sad realization today. Donnie Wahlberg briefly had some true potential in his acting career. Take a look at the Sixth Sense--his role as Vincent Grey was one of the most chilling things to happen in the entire film.

Pop Quiz:

Donnie Wahlberg is cast in a movie, what part does he get?

A. Detective

B. Guy with Boston Accent

C. Detective with Boston Accent

D. Douche bag with Boston Accent

E. All of these, usually.

The correct answer is obviously E. Take a look at his IMDB credits. I was pretty unsurprised to find that about 80% of them involve the words Detective or Lieutenant. Movies like this only enforce the stereotype that Donnie Wahlberg can only play one character. Characters like this that have to carry around an electric shaver in their pocket--turn Donnie Wahlberg into a farce. A FARCE. Get this man some normal roles that do not involve being a cocky douche bag. I know he can do it.

4. CGI

Mary Shaw had the potential to also be really scary, seeing as how she could float all over the place and seeing as how her face looked scary and stuff like that. But really good make up was often times replaced by terrible CGI, which diminished her scare factor quite a bit.

Not only that, but the victims' faces were terrible looking. The first time I didn't know what it meant. Did Victor Crowley rip their face in half?

It also wasn't even a little bit gross which is quite surprising seeing as how this film comes from the Saw people. But this problem also goes back to the film's overall sloppiness. Seemingly important details about how or why Mary Shaw does what she does is conveniently left out till crucial parts later in the film. Like how suddenly, we aren't suppose to scream and oh FYI the victims look like that because their tongues got ripped out...? CGI ruins everything.

God, even the buildings were CGI. I have a really hard time believing that a structure like the giant sized theater existed in the 1940s. If you want to creep people out use a real creepy building that doesn't look like someplace Jigsaw took his latest victims to.

5. Boring

It took me all day to watch this movie. I stopped it about 50 times because it was incredibly boring. Slow burners are great, but Dead Silence doesn't do anything in the time that it is being slow. Nothing happens that builds the suspense. Nothing happens that excites me. And nothing makes me feel like cowering behind a blanket. In fact the number one offense that Dead Silence truly commits--is that it really isn't scary in the slightest. There are fake scares, also known as jump scares--but that's about it.

One of the more annoying things that I noticed was that the audience was often given too much of a look into what was happening. Because we already know that people were killed in some brutal way (because we saw it), the whole idea of the victims' "voice" calling out to the main guy (I already forget his name because I hate this movie so much) was completely useless as a means to create suspense. We have to sit there and watch main guy search around an empty building for god knows how long till he figures out that the person is dead. WE KNOW THEY ARE DEAD. It was just a really strange choice. Suspense and anxiety could have been utilized in a much better way--like more shots of Billy being somewhere, and then not--Or maybe taking a more classic route--scary noises! Anything is better than what happened here.

6. I Don't Get It

I don't get why Mary Shaw is strangely gifted with a supernatural power of limitless proportions. Or why her tongue can get that long and gooey. Is she a witch? How does she do things? Why can she do those things? To me it isn't warranted. As far as we know she was just a batty old lady who had an unhealthy relationship with ventriloquist dolls. She made no deal with the devil, she wasn't dabbling in VooDoo and she actually was kind of a shitty ventriloquist (I could see your lips moving too Mary). I agree that bad guys don't necessarily need explanation but all those bad guys are so terrifying that we don't need to know. Their evil creates their power--Mary Shaw however is just a scary old lady. What's her schtick really? She's just not defined enough as a "bad person".

I also don't get the whole perfect doll business. That woman's a doll? Really? I don't buy it because she is not created with the use of CGI.

7. Ugly

I admit I'm not a fan of the Saw generation of film making. It's such a huge leap away from the kind of horror films that I love. It feels so ugly to me. Like no care is taken in the film making. It doesn't have to be literally beautiful---but just appreciated, respected. No care is really taken here at all. There's an attempt maybe in showing one really bright red car in a landscape of filth but it isn't pulled off.

Industrial, gritty, blue, grey, black. It's drab, it's kind of nihilistic and I don't like it at all.

Okay I'm tired. Look. Dead Silence could have been somebody-- but it's not. It's poorly executed, it's too all over the place, it's not scary and it does nothing for me. It's fine if it does something for you--really, I'm happy for you but unfortunately I think it is pretty terrible. It's just the less talented, less attractive cousin of Saw--which isn't saying much to begin with. I also did not appreciate that blatant Saw rip off at the end there. I think they may have even used the same music for the big reveal! And nice try...sneaking in the little Saw doll into this shot.

I'm not fooled.

So.............yeah that's all. I mean it's saying something if I wanted to go watch Frogs instead of this right?

In other news...

Remember t.A.T.u? Fake lesbians! I just noticed they aren't even making out in half of these shots. Fake lesbians. Fake Kissing. What's next? Fake feelings?

Heartbreaking Deaths and Song Dedications

As we get closer to the end of the year, I start becoming very sentimental. It's on those lonely cold nights, when my blinds are blowing even though I closed the windows, when my heat decides it will not come on till 3 AM, and when I'm out yet again of peanut butter--that I start missing some of my most dearly beloved friends.

Friends who I rooted for, friends who promised me they would be there--people we loved and then lost. This post is in honor of their memories and all the happiness they gave me while they were still alive. For even though their deaths may have been sad, they will still each receive a song in their memory--sing along if you must. Spoilers to follow...obviously.

FRANK

28 Days Later

Even though this post could have just as easily been titled Mad-Eye Moody--it is not. Although--I miss him too. Frank however was also a fallen warrior. He was our strong father figure who was suppose to be there for us. He had skills, he had riot gear and he had blinking Christmas lights. Frank was the greatest. And he went out the lamest of all ways. Frank deserved something with a little more zest but ironically (doesn't matter if that's used correctly because Alanis don't give a fuck) he was taken out with a single drop of blood, that Frank just happened to look up in time to catch in his eye. Sigh. We miss you Frank. Perhaps you were taken from us for a reason. Perhaps we wouldn't properly have grown if you had been our crutch the entire time. Either way I miss you man.

BUSTER

Misery

Buster was one of those characters that you just hoped would go a long way. He was so close to saving the day and yet--it wasn't meant to be. Through all the dead ends, and the suspicions, Buster must have been mighty happy to open the door and see Paul Sheldon drugged and hidden in the basement. Unfortunately his happiness was short lived--or was it? Maybe he did die happy after all? Oh Buster your death really hit me hard. I will forever see your shining face looking down on me from above. A bittersweet death? To you yes. To me---wild depression.

SOLOMON "SOL" ROTH

Soylent Green

I'd be lying if I said I didn't have to fight back at least one tear during this sensational scene. After discovering the truth behind the composition of Soylent Green, Sol Roth takes a trip to the assisted suicide clinic. Ty Thorn gets there just in time and is able to speak to his good friend and roommate before Sol is lost forever. Meanwhile, Sol's vision is tantalized with pictures of our world as we know it today--lush green landscapes, animals roaming freely. For those brief few minutes, Sol is able to die happily knowing that he gets one last look at how beautiful it all once was. Sol's death was one of the saddest ends to a bromance that I've ever seen ( one upped by another coming up shortly) and it survives in my memory as one hell of a heart break. There is one good thing--Ty's arrival puts Sol at even more ease, knowing that he wasn't alone and that his friend was by side...well--behind a glass partition...but at his side nonetheless.

MR. HALLORAN

The Shining

Ooh Mr. Halloran. You are my favorite character (or wait...I think Grady is secretly but shh). How much cooler can you be? One look at Dick Halloran's bedroom is enough to tell you that the man has class and sass. Aside from his epic coolness, Mr. Halloran's death is another case of the Busters. By that I mean he was just too late, and perhaps in the wrong place at the wrong time. After all that struggling to go save Danny, plane rides, snow storms--it all ends with one single stroke of the axe--wielded by resident crazy man, Jack Torrance. Seeing Mr. Halloran fall so simply was almost like a blow to my soul. He was Danny's cry for help and now he's gone. What will happen now? What? You mean Danny's life is now held responsible by Wendy Torrance?! Hell no. Luckily, Mr. Halloran put enough faith in Danny and Danny knows that even though Mr. Halloran is gone--his light still shines on. Take it away David Cook.

ROGER

Dawn of the Dead

Ah, the ultimate heartbreaking end to one of the greatest bromances of all time. Few things were more heartbreaking than seeing Roger and Peter run around the mall laughing and holding hands and shooting guns--and knowing that it would soon be all over for Roger. In Roger's final moments, Peter stays with him gun at the ready and probably really depressed. When the time arrives, Peter does what he needs to do--and it's SAD, because friendships should last forever and this did not. Although, I'm sure Peter held its memory very close to his heart. Don't speak Roger (you can't anyways because you're a gross zombie now), Peter knows what must be done.

FRANK

The Monster Squad

In my opinion, Frank's death at the end of the Monster Squad is one of the saddest things I've ever had to go through--and I've put myself through it numerous times I should add, because the Monster Squad is the best. In Frank's final moments, when he saves Sean from Dracula--he gets in that perfect diss and saves the day. And then, in the saddest moment since the end of Homeward Bound, the portal opens up and expels all the bad. Frank tries to hold onto Phoebe but it's no use. In one last moment of tear filled awesomeness, Phoebe throws in her stuffed animal which Frank holds onto--happy as ever. Maybe Frank was happy after all--he had finally made friends and didn't feel so ugly anymore. Still, saddest thing I've probably ever seen. Ah well, Frank still has the memories right? The memories of a happy time, in the coolest club there was. Yes, Frank we will remember you and you will remember the Monster Squad.