Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Digest Quickies: Jesus, You Scare Me


You know something? People get really mad when you fuck around with religious iconography. I GUESS I understand why. It's all "sacred" and "holy" or something. Before I begin this quickie post I must admit that I used to find Jesus a bit creepy to begin with.


As a child, all men used to scare me, but what really scared me were men with long hair and beards---but mostly just long hair. When I used to have to go to Sunday school (which was on Tuesday after school and they gave us stale cookies and diet Sprite...bastards) all the pictures of Jesus would freak me out a little. By far the scariest were all the pictures of Jesus being crucified. For a religion that largely detests violent imagery and blah blah no sex and blah--they sure don't mind exposing young children to the horrors of violent crucifixion. I can also recount being shown a grizzly film of the crucifixion AND a stoning...why they turned down my suggestion to watch Antichrist, we'll never know. But anyways. Enough of that.

Often times in movies focusing on religion, or films that in some way depict religion as doing the mental saving of one or more of our characters--there is also as one would guess, a lot of religious iconography. In some cases, these figures of either Jesus or Mary or some random Saint, have been made to look utterly and inexplicably creepy. Sometimes they are vandalized and other times it appears as though the characters were just really after the creepiest looking figurine of Jesus they could find. Since I find Jesus to already be at least a little creepy, these creepy Jesus's and other religious stuff are almost too much to handle.


This Jesus as seen in The Legend of Hell House is really old. Also the glossy sheen of his muscles provides a little too much detail to his skin and bones than I would prefer. I really wish people would stop finding the creepiest representations of Jesus on the planet, I mean come on--there has to be something a little better than this. Nice muscle definition though.



I don't think this is Jesus, but I mean it's in a church so it counts right? I do admit I was pleasantly creeped out through almost the entirety of The Exorcist III and seeing this was not what I would call a help. My main question is, how did those vandals finagle a perfectly sized and shaped Joker mask onto this statue? It is Joker right? If it was Pazuzu then I guess he has style after all.




Poor Mary. She never asked to be defaced like this. When I was little I used to strongly avoid this scene from The Exorcist because for some reason it scared the crap out of me. I'm guessing this was due to the large paper mache boobs and saggy devil penis but I'm not sure. This is really messed up--just wanted to clarify.



I really do not need to sum up the fact that every single piece of Jesus imagery in Carrie is worth shouting about. I too would go absolutely bonkers if everywhere I looked, a creepy picture of Jesus was starring back at me. Carrie can't even find peace and solace while looking in a mirror for CHRIST'S sake. God, Jesus. Leave her alone. Although...nothing is worse than the Jesus closet. A fun fact is that this is NOT Jesus, but St. Sebastian. Just so you know, I am not a religious know it all, I just read IMDB trivia when I'm feeling lonely.








I know for a fact this gives more than a few people the willies. Were his eyes lit up like that on purpose? Or was Jesus just really upset that Carrie got her period? I've always wanted to know. P.S. WHAT THE HELL was Carrie's mother thinking about when she decided to use this terrifying gnome, shriveled, potato carved demon replica of St. Sebastian in the Jesus shrine? She might want to check the box because I'm pretty sure the only person who's eyes glow like that is the devil.

God, I'm so darned upset over that creepy thing that I can't think of any other creepy Jesus or religious imagery. If you would like to submit a creepy Jesus suggestion let me know, and I'll add it once I'm fully recovered.


10 comments:

JennyB said...

Religion in general scares me and those creepy pictures of Jesus don't help. :D

Jonny Metro said...

Damn! Now Jesus scares me too. Thanks a lot!

I feel your pain regarding church and the blah-blah. Until I moved out on my own (which was as soon as humanly possible), I was forced to attend Church 2 hours on Sunday morning, 1 hour on Sunday night, and another hour on Wednesday. Not to mention the 1-2 hour bible studies on Thursday, the monthly "Mens Club" meetings, etc. It's no wonder I got burned out on the whole scene.

Anyway...Great post!
--J/Metro

Emily said...

Funny, I just finished my review of The Exorcist III for Monday and think I used the very same shot of that JOkery Jesus!

I too was always freaked out by the crucifixion statues that would hover over priests during church. It's so very macabre. Plus Jesus was almost always so darn skinny.

Have you read The Exorcist? I remember you mentioned it a while back. The book goes into a whole lot more detail about the Black Masses and defiled religious statues. Like, A LOT.

Andre said...

I AM currently reading the Exorcist Emily. For some reason I read Legion first now am on to the Exorcist. I just sort of passed the beginning about the pooping under the statue....I wonder if there was poop in the movie but they just didn't pan down far enough uh huh uh huh!

Emily said...

The Version You've REALLY NEver Seen is, I assume, 35 added minutes of poop, plus another 5 where Regan pees a little more on the rug (she had some water in the middle of the night).

lazlo azavaar said...

The Exorcist III one is not Jesus. I think it's supposed to be Saint Someone-or-other. Also, it isn't vandalyzed, as it seems to return to normal a scene later. I think it was just affected by the evil forces stalking George C. Scott (and who among us hasn't stalked George C. Scott from time to time?).

Andre said...

I know it isn't Jesus, but really it wasn't defaced? Blows my mind. Those evil forces have a really good sense of humor making an evil face not just an evil face but an evil face resembling The Joker. I love it.

The Film Connoisseur said...

Grrrreat post man, I've noticed that as well, when religion appears in films, its almost always in a negative way. Probably because the ones making the movies are artists, and therfore, liberals, and therefor probably hate religion. Which makes perfect sense!

Paigealicious! said...

The figure in Carrie with the arrows is Saint Sebastian; the image you're seeing reflected in her mirror is Christ.

Andre said...

Thanks Paige, I do talk about St. Sebastian in the little piece about Carrie. I know he's not Jesus, but you can't talk about creepy iconography without mentioning that thing. : )