I'm almost positive I'm the only human being on this planet who enjoys and prefers the movie version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Before you grab your pitchforks and kill me there's something you should know. I've never seen the TV series and I'm sure if I had then I would think differently. You have to cut me some slack, I grew up with the movie. It was one of those films that I would rent every single time my parents took me to the video store. I didn't care if I had seen it 50 times, I needed to see it again. So for me, Kristy Swanson has always been Buffy and Hilary Swank has always been a bitch.
That's just the way it goes. I used to be obsessed with pretending that I was Buffy and cleverly devised a spectacular imaginary game where trees were vampires and I had to kill them. Naturally there were a lot of trees because I lived in the woods, and naturally I killed them all because I'm amazing.
So on that cold and rainy afternoon when Buffy the Vampire Slayer debuted on TV and Sarah Michelle Gellar was running around with high heeled boots on, I was saddened. To me nothing could ever replace Kristy Swanson and her valley girl quips--and plus, I hated Sarah Michelle Gellar. I am well aware now that the movie version was extremely altered from Joss Whedon's original vision. I am also aware that he disowns it and probably hates it. Oh and I of course am aware that the movie version is pretty atrocious--but that will never stop my love no, never. When I rewatch it today I can still get marginally creeped out at moments that scared me when I was little, and I'm ready and willing to present to you all those moments right now.
Before I begin I need to say a big welcome back to THE DONALD.
In case you haven't figured it out by now, my initial love for The Donald does in fact stem from this film. Sad I know.
Grueller Takes a Shortcut
I tend to hate closed amusement parks and I'm in the mindset that everyone should. Why Grueller decides to take a shortcut through there is beyond me (although I'm sure it has to do with the playing on horror movie conventions thing) but then again how often does one find themselves face to face with Pee Wee Herman riding a carousel?
While we're at it, I should point out that Grueller already looks like a vampire before he turns into one. Keep that in mind when we investigate his new vampire persona later on. Anywho, this scene really freaked me the fuck out.
I Hate You, Puritan Vampire
You know what else freaks me the fuck out? Vampires that wear creepy purtain hats like this. I'm not entirely sure why, but this vampire on the right has scarred me for life. Whenever I see this scene I can't help but be reminded of how much I hate those really pale and extra creepy looking vamps. It reminds me of the Emperor's creepy wingman and this vampire is partially responsible for why Nosferatu freaks me out so much.
Pee Wee Snags Benny
I did not appreciate this scene one bit. In my opinion one trait of vampires that I tend to miss these days and with every new re-imagining of the genre--is the way that vampires can glide, or float. I am pretty positive anything that glides or floats is scary (this fear actually stems from Death Becomes Her and The Craft more on that some other time) so when Benny is just chilling on the side of a cliff, the last thing I wanted to see was Paul Rubens suddenly rising up behind him and pulling Benny down with him.
Buffy's First Vampire
If there's one thing we need more of in the horror genre, it is the actual event of a body coming out of a grave. Zombies, vampires, whatever. Seeing anything emerge from a fresh grave is one of the more terrifying things a child can ever endure. Buffy's first confrontation with the vampires is expected, yet that did not make this scene any easier for me to handle.
Don't Let Benny In
Remember when I said that I hate when people float? Well this scene takes the cake for one of the creepiest things I had ever seen growing up. Those before me would suffer from the possibility of looking our their windows and seeing little Ralphie Glick scratching at the window. I, on the other hand, would suffer the possibility of David Arquette asking me to let him in and then yelling at me when I didn't. All I can think when I watch this scene is...thank god Luke Perry sucks at opening really big windows.
My Biggest Fear is Realized
Thanks to this scene, when I lay down without looking behind me first, I always think I'm going to lie down on a big and scary man. I'm waiting for the day that I come home really drunk and that actually happens. Hey, you never know. As a side note due to my lack of brains and more recent horror movie watching experience, I just found out that Lothos is Rutger Hauer of The Hitcher fame. This does not surprise me. The man is capable of turning up anywhere.
Never Trust a Mirror
This is another scene that continues to affect me until this very day. I'm almost positive that one of these days, when I check my rearview mirror, see nothing there, and then physically look behind me, I will see two vampires walking towards my car. I just know it. I'm also still a little confused why Pike is randomly stopped on a highway...hmmm
Grueller Plays Some Ball
See I told you--not that different. This scene really isn't very scary I just like pointing out that....
That's Ben Afleck!
Evil Parade Floats
The final scene that I used to hate, was when all the parade floats came alive. This stupid squirrel float then proceeds to cackle menacingly and glare at you with its red eyes! I should also point out that until very recently aka today, I thought that was a camel.
Well there you have it. There are of course a handful of other scary moments, namely at the dance and Buffy's final confrontation with Lothos. I forgot to include a picture of the vampire DJ....I hate that guy. Well anyways, it may not be the best movie, and it may in many ways be a parody of the vampire genre, and horror films as a whole--but I still love it. And I maintain that it has quite a bit of scary moments, especially when you're young and vulnerable.
I will now leave you with this, to get you motivated.
HOW FUNKY IS YOUR CHICKEN? HOW FUNKY IS YOUR CHICKEN?
HOW LOOSE IS YOUR GOOSE? OUR GOOSE IS TOTALLY LOOSE.
SO COME ON ALL YOU HOG FANS! SO COME ON ALL YOU HOG FANS!
AND SHAKE YOUR CABOOSE! AND SHAKE YOUR CABOOSE!