Tuesday, July 19, 2011

A Few Words About Blood


The Horror Digest's motto is something along the lines of "Beautiful blood not gore" but my recent brush with death has taught me to amend that statement to, "Beautiful fake blood not gore" and also, "I hope I never get stabbed because it would fucking hurt."

I used to think, I had the answers to everything. But now I know. Life doesn't always go my way, yeah. Feels like I'm caught in the middle. That's when I realize...I'm not a girl. Not yet a woman....


And yes I just quoted the best song in the history of terrible movies starring pop stars that can't act. Listen, just because you didn't get pushed down the stairs while you were pregnant, is no reason to get testy!

But seriously. Here's what happened last night. I was taking a lovely stroll through my bedroom door. When all of a sudden, I stepped on something sharp. It hurt a lot. That's when I picked up my foot and saw a tiny piece of glass shaped like a tooth. I'm guessing it was a mythical cat tooth unearthed by centuries of pent up sins, but I could be wrong.

I hope that mystical cat resembled this one.

I immediately pulled the sharp piece of glass out of my foot and went to go show my sister. I told her to be careful when I dropped the glass in her hands because it had my blood on it. "I don't have AIDS," I warned "But just know that when exposed blood is around, you should always exercise caution."



Then suddenly I glanced down at my food and saw that THE FLOOR WAS COVERED IN BLOOD. My foot had been leaking blood all over the living room floor with a perfect trail leading from my bedroom. I screamed in terror but my sister wouldn't help me because she was eating a delicious bowl of homemade mac and cheese. I slumped into a nearby chair and yelled until she brought me some paper towel. It was then that I looked at the blood and felt dizzy and faint. This wasn't the beautiful piece of artwork that Suspiria was....


this was gross!

Finally I hopped into the bathroom and stuck my foot under the faucet. The blood swirled around the drain but did not resemble the chocolate syrup blood in Psycho.



This real life blood incident was disappointing on so many levels!

And the worst part was, we didn't have any band-aids. I had to tape a panty liner to my foot. A PANTY LINER! Let me tell you, if that isn't a sign that you need to get your priorities straightened out then I don't know what is.

So when all was said and done, I realized that my injury was extremely minor. But because I pulled the glass out so swiftly, it caused the blood to gush out. Luckily I have an amazing blood clotting system and I made it out alive. But let this be a lesson to you all--mythical glass cat teeth are best left alone.

Mostly what this incident taught me however was that blood in real life? Kind of scary. Also, I should never be a doctor, and I should buy some band-aids. It also makes me a little sad because now I know for real that beautiful blood really only exists in movies. It all goes back to that age old argument that old people


and really mean people


have about people that watch horror movies. We must LOVE thinking about and watching real life death because we watch horror movies. No, old people and really mean people, horror movies and real life are completely different. Different!!

In real life, blood does not have the same shiny luster and paint like quality of the blood in a Dario Argento film. Blood does not, magically arrange itself into a beautiful pattern of red against a background that was specifically chosen so that it would highlight the blood. Blood is not the color brown when Dorothy opens the door into OZ.

Movies are art. Real life.......is scary. You can quote me if you want.

7 comments:

matango said...

I hope you have hardwood floors!

Dr Blood said...

If only a toe-sucking vampire had been available. :)

John Bem said...

Andre, my sympathies for your injury. And thank you for reminding the old and the mean that an appreciation for gore and violence on-screen does not translate into real-life. Many years ago, I worked as an orderly in a hospital for a year. Trust me, there's nothing pretty or funny about real-life trauma. Well, not usually. My apologies, but I laughed heartily when I pictured you hopping around the house with a panty liner taped to your foot.

Emily said...

Funny, I also stepped on broken glass (three times) two weeks ago and couldn't get over how much my toe bled. That's a rich little appendage eh? I didn't realize until I saw the trail of red red blood in my kitchen. It just kept going!

My shame at that was erased later that week when I pricked my finger--which also, kept...on...bleeding--on the top rim of sour cream. When it hardens, it can get sharp. And it can cut. Be careful.

deaner said...

I too worked at a hospital for a few years. The worst was when a patient pulled a catheter out of himself. The room looked like a crime scene and the creepiest thing was the way the blood looked on the cold floor. It was clotting and looked like red cottage cheese...

Dorian Gray said...

My mom once cut her foot years ago while cleaning a glass punch bowl--she accidentally dropped one of the cups and cut herself. As she was hopping down the hallway from the kitchen to the bathroom my dad's response to her injury was "don't get blood on the carpet!" Real nice huh? We still give him crap for that.

Anyway as much as I enjoy watching horror movies I've gotta admit that seeing blood in real life is quite gross--I can't even watch those real life surgery shows because it repulses me so much. I know, it's weird, but that's how I roll.

Thomas Duke said...

When I was a kid, I was riding a skateboard barefoot for some reason, and I ripped off most of the toenail on my big toe. The amount of blood squirting out was insane. I thought I was going to die. I wrapped it up and it ended up okay, but later I had to take a garden hose and rinse off the sidewalk, as it was covered in blood. It's amazing how much blood can squirt out of your foot.