The Horror Digest's motto is something along the lines of "Beautiful blood not gore" but my recent brush with death has taught me to amend that statement to, "Beautiful fake blood not gore" and also, "I hope I never get stabbed because it would fucking hurt."
I used to think, I had the answers to everything. But now I know. Life doesn't always go my way, yeah. Feels like I'm caught in the middle. That's when I realize...I'm not a girl. Not yet a woman....
And yes I just quoted the best song in the history of terrible movies starring pop stars that can't act. Listen, just because you didn't get pushed down the stairs while you were pregnant, is no reason to get testy!
But seriously. Here's what happened last night. I was taking a lovely stroll through my bedroom door. When all of a sudden, I stepped on something sharp. It hurt a lot. That's when I picked up my foot and saw a tiny piece of glass shaped like a tooth. I'm guessing it was a mythical cat tooth unearthed by centuries of pent up sins, but I could be wrong.
I hope that mystical cat resembled this one.
I immediately pulled the sharp piece of glass out of my foot and went to go show my sister. I told her to be careful when I dropped the glass in her hands because it had my blood on it. "I don't have AIDS," I warned "But just know that when exposed blood is around, you should always exercise caution."
Then suddenly I glanced down at my food and saw that THE FLOOR WAS COVERED IN BLOOD. My foot had been leaking blood all over the living room floor with a perfect trail leading from my bedroom. I screamed in terror but my sister wouldn't help me because she was eating a delicious bowl of homemade mac and cheese. I slumped into a nearby chair and yelled until she brought me some paper towel. It was then that I looked at the blood and felt dizzy and faint. This wasn't the beautiful piece of artwork that Suspiria was....
this was gross!
Finally I hopped into the bathroom and stuck my foot under the faucet. The blood swirled around the drain but did not resemble the chocolate syrup blood in Psycho.
This real life blood incident was disappointing on so many levels!
And the worst part was, we didn't have any band-aids. I had to tape a panty liner to my foot. A PANTY LINER! Let me tell you, if that isn't a sign that you need to get your priorities straightened out then I don't know what is.
So when all was said and done, I realized that my injury was extremely minor. But because I pulled the glass out so swiftly, it caused the blood to gush out. Luckily I have an amazing blood clotting system and I made it out alive. But let this be a lesson to you all--mythical glass cat teeth are best left alone.
Mostly what this incident taught me however was that blood in real life? Kind of scary. Also, I should never be a doctor, and I should buy some band-aids. It also makes me a little sad because now I know for real that beautiful blood really only exists in movies. It all goes back to that age old argument that old people
and really mean people
have about people that watch horror movies. We must LOVE thinking about and watching real life death because we watch horror movies. No, old people and really mean people, horror movies and real life are completely different. Different!!
In real life, blood does not have the same shiny luster and paint like quality of the blood in a Dario Argento film. Blood does not, magically arrange itself into a beautiful pattern of red against a background that was specifically chosen so that it would highlight the blood. Blood is not the color brown when Dorothy opens the door into OZ.
Movies are art. Real life.......is scary. You can quote me if you want.