Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Horror Movie Moments I Do NOT Want To Smell



News broke semi-recently that Samsung was reviving the concept of Smell-0-Vision. You know Smell-O-Vision, that amazing technology from the 1960s that was used once during Scent of Mystery. Used only once because the hissing noise that produced the scents was too distracting and the movie goers could not hear the film. Well, rest assured because Smell-o-Vision may be back!

Out of all my senses, I think I most pride myself on my keen sense of smell. I can smell a bag of Doritos opening up miles away from me. I can even precisely identify what kind of ice cream someone is eating while I have my eyes closed. Yes, I know--I am that amazing. When it comes to Smell-o-Vision however, I can't help but feel a little worried about what that means for horror films. Sure, smelling things like Willy Wonka's vast supply of chocolates would be nice, or even the sweaty musk of Daniel Craig in Casino Royale--



but what about horror films? According to nobody, about 90% of horror movies deal with death in some way. And do you know what death smells like? Me neither, but judging by the way people always react when they find a dead body---it's not good.

Although just about every horror movie will probably smell bad, I have taken the liberty of identifying some horror movie moments that probably smell REALLY bad.


The Drum


Return of the Living Dead


I can't help but be completely repulsed by the fact that when the toxic drum opens up, it spews out a nasty yellow colored gas. Naturally, since I'm a chemistry genius (Not really, I mostly cheated off my smarter best friend) I immediately connect the yellow-ish color with sulfur. Sulfur is also known as the worst smelling fart in the world. So combine that, with the rotting, decaying and melting flesh of a zombie and you get the smell that comes out of this drum. And Poor Frank and Freddy get the full blast of it.


Jason


Jason has been festering inside his little shack in the woods for years and years. Sure he may have a toilet, but I did not see any sign of a shower. And we all know that he can't swim, which pretty much rules out the possibility of any dips in the lake. I have a feeling that if Smell-o-Vision were employed during Friday the 13th (Parts II and on) the entire audience would just be gagging the whole time. You wouldn't even need the scary music that signifies when Jason is near, because we could smell him. I imagine he smells like rotted onions, baby diarrhea, and urine.


Grace



I believe I talked about this once before, but the way that Jordan Ladd sniffs Grace, and then pulls back like the devil just gave her a wet willy, is really unnerving. Babies are supposed to smell like ice-cream filled clouds and Johnson & Johnson's Baby Shampoo. Babies are not supposed to smell like rotting corpses. And I don't want to smell what a zombie baby who can probably still poop, smells like.


The Basement


Dawn of the Dead

If you watch CSI then you probably think you know a thing or two about decomposing bodies and what they smell like. Despite what Gil Grissom says about there being no smell worse than a a decomposing body---there IS a worse smell.....50 decomposing bodies. Or something like that, I made that number up, but we do know that it is a lot. Not only are these bodies decomposing, but they're also roaming around. Except they're confined to the basement so the smell is also confined and doubly gross. Makes me queasy just thinking about it.



Eli


Let the Right One In

I always feel really bad for Eli when Oskar comments on the fact that she kind of smells bad. No one likes being told that they smell bad. It's just embarrassing. And you would need to smell REALLY bad for someone that you don't even know to blatantly tell you that you smell. Poor Eli, she just wanted to sit outside in the snow on the jungle gym with no shoes on. Way to show tact Oskar.




Maggot Party


Suspiria

I've still never quite understood the maggot scene in Suspiria, or why there was rotting food in the attic... (Was it people? Were they just really bad about storing food?) But I do know, that one of the all time most disgusting smells in the world is rotting food. Rotting food crawling with maggots? Probably means that the food was way more smelly than normal rotting food. By the way, maggots are really horrifying should you ever encounter them in real life.


The Texas Chainsaw Massacre



There are some movies that seem to just exude a foul smell throughout its entire running time. In my mind, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is one of those films. It's probably its grittiness, or the fact that there is an entire living room filled with bones, OR you know maybe the fact that people are being slaughtered in a house--I think it's a combination of everything. And it's clearly no coincidence that I feel the burning need to shower every time I finish watching this.


The Public Restroom


Candyman

Public restrooms are no joke. Public restrooms where bees are crawling out of a toilet presumably filled with blood and a rotting hand (I made that up)--are definitely no joke. I always die a little bit inside when Helen is going through the stalls looking for the place where a young boy was supposedly horribly mutilated. It must smell awful because Helen's face when she kicks down doors proves it. Plus, gangsters take the smelliest shits ever. It's a fact!

Sloth

Se7en

Whenever I see all those air fresheners hanging from the ceiling, my stomach falls down into my toes. If there's one important thing to know in life, it's that those little car fresheners shaped like pine trees, always makes things smell worse. It makes a smelly car smell like pine scented feet. So, you can imagine what that room smells like after a year of that guy laying in that bed, with a million little car air fresheners (probably in all different scents because John Doe is a real asshole) hanging overhead.


Pure---DEATH.


THE TUB

The Silence of the Lambs


In case you missed my little segment on the horror that is the tub, read about here. Yes, Death Meatloaf is probably the worst smell in the entire world. No need to elaborate.


Other people and things that I do not want to smell....


Regan



Zelda




Backwoods sex in Wrong Turn 2




Rotting Granny in the tub in The Shining




The people under the stairs in The People Under the Stairs




Freddy Krueger's boiler room




The Human Centipede...2 weeks later





Dead body sex in Nekromantik






6 comments:

Andreas said...

I have one thing to say: EWWWWWW!

Especially to the Suspiria maggots. (Thank goodness there was no Fulci on this list!)

And to Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The only thing I want to smell less than that is Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. Because, again, EWWWWW!

matango said...

I bet Eli smells like the inside of a cloth wristband of a watch. One that's been worn for over a year and through a hot summer without having been washed.

Chris Hallock said...

You have a never ending supply of brilliance, my friend. This post smells AMAZING!

ROTLD is the one where I swear I can really smell those noxious vapors. That scene makes my lungs burn.

Also, UGH @ all of these.

Eddie said...

Dead body in Nekromantik gets more than i do lately. Hi Andre.

Dawn said...

Maggots are most for sure horrifying to deal with!!! i recently opened my outside trashcan and had them spew out at me. It was a total horror movie scene!?! There was also a horrible vinegar smell that smacked me in the face and burned my eyeballs...perfectly terrible smell-o-vision moment.

Christine Hadden said...

Wow, this post nearly made me lose my lunch, haha. Great choices all around. I think if I had to pick one it would be The Howling- the scene where all those wolves are trapped in the barn...then it's lit on fire? Stinky, post-coitus mutts who then burn to death, changing all the time back into char-broiled humans. Gah!
*great post!!