Well it's time for another kind of pointless and annoying holiday. St. Patrick's Day ranks right up there with Cinco De Mayo as one of my least favorite days of the year. Why? Because I'm Polish and French. And because I just find them to be celebrated by some of the most annoying people to ever walk the face of the planet. Nobody even understands the true meaning of these holidays--they are used primarily in this country as excuses to get drunk and go to annoyingly crowded parties and parades with their bros. Usually I lock myself in my room for such an occasion, but this year I am attending my oldest sister's Irish Brunch, cooked by my brother in law who IS Irish. Like off the boat Irish not Irish like all you people think you are. I then figured I should at least wear something green, but a quick look through my clothes left me with unsatisfying results. All my green things were in my spring wardrobe which left me with two options. My Celtics t-shirt- or my other Celtics t-shirt whomp whomp. And now a tribute for all you searching for some green article of clothing to wear, I present to you, a look through my drawer of Horror movies, to bring to you some of the greatest instances of green.
Was there ever a more sublime instance of green? The way that this stuff glows is enough to get anyone excited--because it's a sure sign that something awesome in the form of reanimated naked dead guys is about to happen. This glowing green serum is an iconic piece of the film, and is no doubt MY favorite instance of green in any horror movie...or even any movie. Thank you Herbert West for bringing such a wonderful colored serum to everyone's attention!
Pea Soup Vomit
Pea soup vomit ties for the best and worst scene in all of film. I am really revolted to see that pea green soup fly out of her mouth like that, but it's also such an incredibly horrific and effective scene that you can't hate on it for too long. Imagine your faith in the lord being so secure that you don't even flinch when a demon vomits all over your priestly wardrobe? And then also ask yourself, have you ever seen a deeper shade of green when vomit is involved? Thanks to this I will never EVER be interested in eating pea soup. I don't care how good it's "suppose" to taste.
Rotting Granny FleshNot since Rabid Grannies, has there been a better instance of rotting grannies than Kubrick's the Shining. That was kind of a confusing sentence, but yes, this ode to rotting granny flesh is for The Shining NOT Rabid Grannies. Something about those gaping holes of flesh, and pus wounds just really turns me off from ever taking a really long bath. And ugh. Why does she have to turn into a nasty rotting old lady...why why why?! Poor Jack. All he wanted to do was write his novel- now he'll never get over that writer's block with her saggy boobs in the way.
Night VisionNight vision is all the rage in getting people to be scared, didn't you know? It's an immediate indication that this video is so real..they even film it at night without the aide of professional camera lightning. This green tinted effect however is also extremely bothersome to my weak heart. Especially when Spanish reporters are in the dark and a really skinny girl monster thing comes stumbling behind her....yikes!
Green Plastic Knives
If I was Sydney Prescott, I too would be pretty angry that they took my life's story and trauma and made a movie that portrayed the EXACT way things played out. How did they know what her exact conversation with Billy in her bedroom was? Or what they fought about in the school hallway? It's a little creepy. And more importantly did they really have to supply an entire country's worth of unstable teenagers with the same exact costume that the killer wore? These glow-in-the-dark fake knives are pretty sweet though!
Tippi Hendren's Green Suit
You don't see too many green suits these days. Miss Tippi here clearly had St. Patty's day spirit written all over her body while she was being attacked by birds nonetheless. Besides being kind of ugly, this suit is iconic in the face of the Birds, as evidenced by this Tippi Hendren in her green suit Barbie Doll.
Obviously the amulet that will banish evil from this world forever would be glowing and green. It just makes sense guys. I love the way the amulet reflects green back onto Dracula's face at the end and how it's green reflection floats around the room it's hiding in, as if a fog machine and a fan were running.....hmmm.
SlimerObviously we can't talk about green things without mentioning the ultimate green slime ball, Slimer. Clearly things like Flubber stole Slimer, because how much cooler can you get with green slime? Nickelodeon will tell you, you really cannot get any cooler. Also I'm not sure why a disgusting blob of putrid green spectral slime was drinkable- but HI-C went ahead and did the damn thing! Props to them.
I've traveled far and wide and I can't for the life of me, figure out how people get their corn fields so vibrantly green. It's a wonder! Can you imagine having such a lovely corn field and then destroying it because you heard a weird voice? Well that's just the craziest thing I've ever seen. The family in Signs probably deserve the greenest corn field award the most however, even though the Aliens destroyed a large portion of it- and I wouldn't be surprised if they mowed it down to make a baseball field thanks to Merrill's rejuvenated love for baseball.
Green Klown Hair
I need to find out what kind of dye these aliens used on their hair, because let's face it's fabulous. Nothing says alien clown like a head full of neon, Halloween colored hair spray. It just so happens that my two favorite alien Klowns have green hair. The klown that beckons the little girl and makes a puppet out of the Sheriff, AND the klown that knocks that guy's block off. Perfect!
Well there you have it. Hopefully I've found something green for everyone, and even though it's the worst holiday celebrated in the U.S. I hope you all have some sort of fun. And don't watch Leprechaun, because that's what people expect! Watch Re-Animator and get some real props thrown at you. I'll see you all later, I have to get a Shamrock Shake.