Look, I'm not going to beat around the bush (pun intended?)--child birth probably blows. If men have their temporary meltdowns when watching a guy get kicked in the balls, than women have theirs when a giant mutant baby comes roaring through their birth canal. I know I reuse a lot of phrases but perhaps my most overused is the phrase, "I am never getting pregnant".
Horror movies have that uncanny ability to convince us to NEVER do something. Whether it be driving through Texas, taking a short cut in West Virginia or going to summer camp--horror movies are always reminding us they are the authority on all matters concerning our lives. Chances are you will not encounter a maniacal cannibalistic family in Texas, you probably will not meet an inbred mutant clan of beasties in West Virginia and you will definitely not receive the fine pleasure of having a she-male for a camp counselor.
However. If you get pregnant, you will almost certainly be in pain. The following moments are some of my most scarring remembrances from horror films that depict birth in some form. These are the moments that make me very, very afraid for the day that I too give birth to a full sized man.
The entirety of Grace is one big public service announcement to never have a child. Not only is there the impending threat of having a stillborn, but you could also suffer the unfortunate ordeal of having your stillborn baby miraculously come back to life as a zombie baby. I don't think I need to remind you all of what breast feeding a zombie baby looks like.
While the birthing pool scene is also excruciating
the scene that always come to mind when thinking of traumatic birth scenes is the toy store incident. I'm pretty sure there would be nothing worse than to work in a baby store, see a pregnant woman with bad hair amble in and then have her vaginally poop out a blob of blood--and on that adorable pastel baby rug too! Who got to clean that up?
Although it's the only part of the movie that I really liked---the birth scene from It's Alive is one of the most frightening ones out there. Imagine giving birth to something so mutant, that it comes out of your vagina immediately killing people?
Poor Lenore...all she wanted was a normal, healthy birth.
Instead, her mutant baby killed everyone in the delivery room and then fled out the window. She was left bloody and alone screaming while the last gurgling breaths of the dying hospital staff could be heard. Trauma inducing indeed.
The only thing worse than giving birth to an evil mutant baby, is giving birth to a writhing maggot.
Although Geena Davis' nightmare of a birthing story really was a nightmare--there is something so completely outrageous and terrifying about it that it cannot be ignored.
I'm pretty sure that if you did manage to have sex with someone who was part fly, there would be a good chance that you could give birth to a maggot fetus. And even though the chances are that I will not giving birth to a maggot, I'm betting that David Cronenberg WILL be delivering my baby in which case--we're all doomed.
While this may not have been traumatic to Nola, the birthing scene in the Brood is one of the most disgusting things I have ever witnessed.
I like to think that no one should ever talk the talk about being a badass until they have licked a just born fetus clean, and after watching this scene, I think you will agree.
Nola's "babies" may not have actually come from her vagina--but her rage incarnate birth scene is still one of the most cringe inducing of the bunch. Welcoming this beastie into the world is not exactly something any of us wanted to do, and yet we get an up close and personal view of how Nola immediately assumes her motherly role. Fetus barf.
I can think of few worse ways to spend Christmas than being trapped inside a bathroom and having a crazy lady with scissors trying to get in and cut your baby out of your stomach. While giving birth may suck the big one--I'm pretty sure that getting a baby cut out of your stomach with a pair of scissors while you are still ALIVE may be substantially worse.
I touched on this a bit yesterday in my review, but this scene in Sheitan is all kinds of wrong. If you thought the vaginal pooping in Grace was bad, wait until you get a load of Vincent Cassel in a wig vaginally pooping a baby onto the floor. As her chubby legs amble up the hallway, and more and more disgusting vaginal baby juices seep out
---we immediately start looking for the nearest barf bag. Think it's over? Think again! We then pan out to see the monstrosity squatting and wincing in pain
and then....it happens. A baby plops out! Umbilical cord and all. It's shocking, it's disturbing and you won't believe what they show.
And here we arrive at the all time number 1 reason to never give birth. Although there is a small chance of it happening, I think we all run some kind of risk of giving birth to a full grown man. It's just a fact of life, that one day, a weird alien may come looking for a human to give birth to his new human form. That human could be YOU.
We all know how painful giving birth to a baby is--so imagine giving birth to someone that is regular size--and a man. Are you imagining it? Does it look like this?
That's right--never in our wildest dreams could we ever possibly fathom what that would be like. X-TRO is by far the winner of the most traumatic birth. Congrats.
Wrong Turn 2
Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Alien (So it's not a vag....still its coming out of somewhere!)