Frozen: Fucking Wolves!

I've been putting off watching Frozen for a very, very long time. This is because I, like many intelligent people, believe that snow is the 3rd most evil thing in the entire world behind sharks and the Emergency Alert System.

But after endless amounts of praise from my friends and after tireless provoking from my cat, I decided that it was finally time. Luckily for me, the Final Girl Film Club was in fact featuring Frozen for this month's film and I could think of no time like the present to finally give it a shot. Why I chose today to watch it, whilst shivering in my bed thanks to my drafty windows is beyond me, but nevertheless I have seen Frozen and lived to tell the tale.

Frozen is one of those films that you never really want to watch again. The same thing happened to me after I watched Matilda. I just didn't think I could withstand that scene where Matilda is hiding in Trunchbull's house ever again (I'm not joking that scene is intense). Frozen creates that same feeling of dread. Watching the film is an ordeal--it's a test of your will and it prevents you from really enjoying your President's Day. I don't mean of course that Frozen is a bad film--it most certainly is not. But it's not what I would deem a pleasant movie experience.

Hopefully you've heard the story by now. Three students are skiing and snowboarding and after bribing the ski lift man for one last run before the mountain closes--a misunderstanding results in their being stuck on the ski lift. Since it's Sunday and the mountain doesn't open again till the weekend, the three are pretty much doomed to freeze.

Now is a good as time as any to tell you that I hate skiing, snowboarding and any sport done in the snow. In fact, the first time I was ever on a ski lift was this summer at a wedding--there was no snow and all was good. Frozen is kind of like my worst nightmare except instead of sharks being in the snow there are wolves. Who suck terribly I should add but more on them later.

Here is why I appreciate Frozen. Adam Green, whom many know is responsible for Hatchet and Hatchet II aka a movie I'm not a huge fan of because it's just not my schtick, has flipped expectations on their head. Frozen is like an antidote to Hatchet. It's quiet, it's controlled and it's even oddly striking and beautiful at times. It's well written, there are no boobs---and shit actually gets scary. Frozen is a film that most anyone who didn't like Hatchet, should find effective. And it is--so effective. There's all this great foreshadowing and talk of the worst way to die and then we are forced to later watch what could quite possibly be considered the 4th worst way to die. The sight of a scurrying wolf makes our stomach lurch and the sudden and unexpected discovery of a hand stuck to a safety bar creates the worst possible feeling of agony you can ever imagine.

On Saturday night I walked down the street with no socks on and I thought I was going to die. Imagine being stuck on a ski lift for 2 days in the blistering, brutal and bull shitting cold. Frost bite! Ice boogers! I mean, that really, really sucks. Being that we too are stuck on the ski lift with them, we undergo this similar kind of agony. We are forced to endure their plight just as they are forced to endure the cold. It's a really, really simple tactic that works wonders.

Now...about these wolves. Man, fuck those wolves. They ruin everything! I really, really hated them. I was half expecting to exit my apartment later and find one snarling at me as I went to get the mail. And you know what I find really, really interesting about those wolves? Even though we've seen them several times throughout the movie, their appearance is never any less menacing. Every time they pop up we are still filled with that same sense of fear and hopelessness. It's like all could be fine and dandy in the world and then one snarl of a wolf could send our entire lives into a downward spiral straight to hell. FUCKING WOLVES! They drove me mad with their wild beast faces.

So even though I despise the cold and the snow, Frozen is one of the most effective contained surroundings horror films I have ever seen. That was a long descriptive sentence that I'm pretty sure made no sense, but just so you know--it's true. Aside from a few dry spots, there was pure emotion and really great acting on everyone's parts.

The first victim especially--is one hell of a moving and horrifying scene to watch. Overall, Frozen left me feeling really exhausted as I imagine our last remaining character also felt.

The best thing about Frozen however is that it's quiet. It takes its time to establish a true sense of horror and doesn't slam it in our faces with buckets of blood and gore. There IS gore I should add, and it is some of the worst you will come across because it's agonizing and slow. It made me physically wince and regret eating that slice of delicious pizza only moments before. So in closing, I am glad I have finally sucked up the courage and watched Frozen. I may never watch it again because I don't see myself wanting to go through it all again--but I can say that it is a great film and a refreshing spin on a genre so over crowded with boobs and stupidity. I still hate the snow--but Adam Green, I like you more now. Emergency Alert System---you still are the worst. And sharks? I think you know where you stand.