From Dusk Till Dawn: A Titty Twister Sounds Scary

Perhaps you've noticed that I've been somewhat M.I.A these past few days? Perhaps not? Well, I have, because I've been spending the past week moving, starting a new job and dying a slow and painful death without the Internet. It's funny, when you do not have the Internet you're forced to do things like read books and socialize. It's really very mind blowing when I sit down and think about it. In fact, I had a whole slew of things that I could have done without the Internet, like watch DVDs and write news articles ahead of time---but I didn't! I just slept, and read books and pet my cat and stuff. What a life.

Anyways, I'm back now (!) and I came back at a great time because Netflix Instant watch decided to add about 1,000 awesome horror movies to its list. Including but not limited to, today's movie, From Dusk Till Dawn. A film that reeks strongly of Quentin Tarantino and subtly of Robert Rodriguez. Or maybe it's the other way around.......maybe they've dispersed the smells evenly. Regardless, the most important thing is that From Dusk Till Dawn IS about vampires however much you want to believe that its about Middle Earth and Orcs on steroids.

Here, we follow Seth and Richie Gecko who are wanted by the FBI for robbing banks and shit. Along the way they take the Fuller family hostage on route to Mexico. Here, they stop at a bar called the Titty Twister and some crazy shit happens. Like sexy women turning into snake vampire demons and other shit.

This funny thing happened to me whilst watching From Dusk Till Dawn. I got embarrassed! Twice actually. First off, after about an hour into the film I started realizing that I was probably wrong about the whole vampire thing. This wasn't about vampires at all! It was about George Clooney and Quentin Tarantino being mean bank robbers. How embarrassing I thought! Once again, my preconceived notions fooled me and I was destined to hang my head in shame and kick around dirt in an "Aww nuts!" kind of way (Just like that time I thought Working Girl was about prostitutes). But then suddenly there WERE vampires and From Dusk Till Dawn turned into Dead Alive except with vampires and Tom Savini in horrifying sexual situations. Then I got embarrassed for thinking that I was wrong about the vampires, when actually there were vampires. Totally embarrassing I know.

Anyways, it's fine that this happened to me because I realize looking back that the film is divided quite purposely, into two distinct tones. First we have our witty screenwriting and characterization as brought forth by Tarantino's screenplay and second we have our fast paced, silly, gory action-fest as brought forth by Rodriguez. How neat! Of course I would be lying to you if I said I was a fan of this. Personally (as in according to my taste buds), I'm not the biggest fan of movies that veer off into buckets and buckets of vampire gore and exploding vampire head after exploding vampire head. It's entertaining yes, but I can only take so much of it you know? And even though the first hour or so of the film deals very little with the actual horror genre, I found myself favoring it much more over the 2nd half.

One thing is for sure however: Quentin Tarantino's foot fetish thing is taken way over the top in this. In fact, it gets kind of awkward doesn't it? It's like when someone makes a racist joke and then everybody laughs but then the person's like, "No seriously, black people? Fuck them" and then everybody looks around and pretends that they have to go do their laundry. It's definitely like that.

Because......yikes.

Also upsetting---once AGAIN God thinks it's very funny to put Tom Savini in compromising sexual situations. Like having him be a tough as nails biker named "Sex Machine" who has a penis gun.

Sick! I don't know what it is about Tom Savini that completely turns me off but whatever it is, it makes me never want to have sex ever again. P.S. does anyone else think he acts like a total douche bag when he tries to portray a bad ass? Maybe it's because I've heard that he's a super dickhead in real life--but whenever Tom Savini gets these super amped up awesome roles, I can't help but be *annoyed*.

I don't mind From Dusk Till Dawn persay, but I suppose it just wasn't what I had in mind. I do admire how balls to the wall it gets and how it's very anti-happiness and all that good stuff. There isn't some bullshit romantic twist or sweet goodbye or even sadness happening. Shit just goes down, people die and it sucks BUT we don't feel like our hearts are being pulled out of our chests and staked.

I still think that the vampires are a little too Middle Earth to really be classified as vampires though.

In fact, I totally thought they were demons at first (embarrassing thing number 3 that happened to me during this) and not vampires. Oh and Selma Hayek's tantalizing dance that everyone is obsessed about? It's okay. But honestly, that whole whiskey down the foot thing and the drinking the whiskey and spitting it into Quentin Taratino's mouth thing really killed it for me. Kind of gross right?

What I mostly feel though, is regret. Regret because I realize that I'll probably never be in Seth Gecko's cool book, for the following reasons.

Reasons Why I Am Not In 'The Cool Book'

1. I wear slipper socks

2. I just added The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers movie to my queue.

3. Blueberries? Hate them.

4. I prefer milk chocolate over dark.

5. Mexican food? Meh.

See what I mean? I'm definitely never going to be in the cool book and that makes sad.

Look, it's a manjo!