Friday, July 5, 2013

DVR Your Face Or: Why I Am An Embarrassment to the World

Every now and then something amazing happens in your life that makes you suddenly realize how uncool you really are. For me that moment was when I made up a Men in Black variation of a tag game and made my gym class play it in 5th grade. 

And also when I finally got that little piece of magic called....a DVR. 

A DVR or "Digital Video Recorder" for all you un-trendy people (NOTE: I just Googled DVR to double check I was right) is God's gift to the lazy people of the world. Essentially it is a way to schedule your laziness in. It's not uncommon for me to go through the TV guide for the next few weeks, and pick out things that I know I'll want to be lazy with and watch at a later date. In short, the DVR is the cat's pajamas. 

Now because I never miss out on an opportunity to embarrass myself, I figured I'd let you all into the magical world of what my DVR currently holds. 

1. The Entire Series of Full House

For me, Full House was always the king of TGIF. Sure it was uncomfortably cheesy in its later years, but those beginning seasons are actually quite fantastic. Especially before Michelle could start talking and gained a sense of awareness about her acting. Incidentally a common downfall for all or many child actors. 

In case you don't already know and in case you're in the mood for feeling 'old'. Full House is currently in circulation on Nick at Night. Or is it Nick at Nite? Anyways. Nick at Night/Nite plays about 10 episodes of Full House a night. Before I became an expert at my DVR, I had only set my preferences to save 10 episodes of Full House at a time. What an amateur mistake. Due to this sad blunder, I kept missing out on some of the best episodes of all time. Including but not limited to: The one where Stephanie drives a car into the kitchen

When DJ is anorexic for a week and over does it on the stair master

 and also any number of awkward episodes where Joey Gladstone has a romantic relationship. 

Luckily I then realized that you can save EVERY episode and I now have about oh....200 episodes to work my way through. Isn't life great you guys?

2. Disney Original Movies

In middle school, Disney Original Movies were all the rage. My friends and I used to base our lives around the summer TV schedule of these movie. Also I don't like to brag or anything... but I did have at one time or another, a fake boyfriend from almost every movie. 

So far my nostalgia has reared its head with such classics as:


Pretty girls pretending to be boys= a lot of sexual confusion for everybody.

Zenon Girl of the 21st Century

Kristen Storms used to look like this

before she looked like this.

I prefer the futuristic version.

Zenon the Zequel

Also known as the movie where they replaced Zenon's black friend with a different black friend and expected no one to notice.

Johnny Tsunami

Snowboarding is apparently not like surfing at all, but if you're really good at surfing you'll be really good at snowboarding in like a few days.


Movies with exclamation points in the title are my favorite. 

Double Teamed

NOT a porno. And also---come on haven't you ever heard of split screens? These "identical twins" are worse than Danny and Arnold. 

3. Regular Disney Movies

Let's put aside the anti-feminist undertones and racism of many Disney movies and just bathe in the glory that was my childhood. I have no shame in admitting that I always care more about how sad it is that Nana can't fly off to Neverland with the Darlings than I do about how racist the Indian scenes are. Am I a bad person?

Yes probably.

But seriously that Nana scene is SO SAD. How hard is it to untie her rope MICHAEL. 


Alright I've given it some thought and I've decided that maybe it's better that Nana couldn't come. I'm not sure how she would have fared on the pirate ship. 

4. The Central Park Five

My sister made me record this because we watched a story about it on 60 Minutes. We still haven't watched it and every time we suggest it to ourselves, this happens.

I'm sure it's fantastic but right now, it's the snakes.