Dear Netflix

Dear Netflix,

I thought we had it all. I thought we had a mutual understanding that could only be classified as the best relationship in the history of the world. You did your thing and I did mine. You supplied me with DVDs and streaming movies and I watched them and cooked you dinner. Yes, sometimes your DVDs would be be a little scratched or a bit finger-printy, but the replacement usually fixed things (except for that one time I went through 3 replacement DVDs of Cloverfield before giving up.......).

After this weekend however, I'm thinking we need to call it quits. I was looking forward to the time we would be spending together. Long hours of laying in bed with you and all that you provided. Watching Tourist Trap, watching streaming movies, tickle fests, etc. But then when I opened my envelope with Tourist Trap I was appalled to find that the disc had been severed down the middle. A giant crack that was about 2 inches away from separating the DVD in two pieces. This is unacceptable. I've allowed past damaged DVDs to go but this crosses the line. How on earth does this evade someone's attention?

And then, when I call your attention to the problem you send me an email--the same email that I always get when something is damaged and this time it made me angry.

Sorry about that!

Dear Andre, We hate it when that happens! Despite our best efforts, sometimes bad discs get out the door or good discs get damaged in transit. Unfortunately, that's what happened with Tourist Trap. If you've requested a replacement, we'll send it to you as soon as possible. In the meantime, please send that unplayable disc back to us. Thanks very much! –The Netflix Team

I'm sorry, YOU hate it when that happens? Since when is it about you? This about me and the 55th time I've had to report a damaged or unplayable disc. You keep sending me these cookie cutter apologies and that's great and all but you're not listening to me! You keep making the same mistake over and over again and it's really busting my chops.

But you know what kills me the most? There's nowhere to complain about these foul shenanigans. You're just a black hole of movie titles and FAQ's about stupid things that don't matter. How about instead of a vacant apology, you offer me a free month of Netflix? How about instead of saying, "Broken disc? Oh shoot, sorry!" you say... "Let me send you two free ones" ? I don't pay 9 bucks a month to get ONE DVD that works when I should be getting 5.

As if that wasn't enough, I just now decided that it was finally time to watch Oldboy. I was excited, I was nervous and then.....dubbing happened. Yes, DUBBING. What kind of vile world do we live in where dubbing is the accepted method for comfortable moving watching? This is highly unacceptable and embarrassing. It caused me to turn the film off at once and put the actual DVD on my queue. I can only hope that when the DVD arrives, it isn't broken, scratched or covered in a layer of some 14 year old's grubby finger prints and/or semen.

Yes Netflix, I've had it up to here. Let me make it clear to you. The next time something like this happens, I'm taking my business elsewhere. So clean up your act, or you'll never get to have a tickle fest with me ever again.

Best,

Andre

Happy Birthday Emmy Doomas: A Tribute To Sisters in Horror

Today is my second favorite day in the whole world. The day that my sister, my "other-half" was brought into this world. It's unfortunate yes that all of her friends are married and engaged and that when she is invited to a married peoples outing she always brings me, but so what? You are totally jealous. There was once a really cheesy Hallmark commercial that made me weep uncontrollably. Luckily I only saw it once which makes me question amongst other things if this commercial really happened or if I hallucinated it one night after getting my wisdom teeth out BUT anyways this commercial went like this, *sappy music* Woman reading a birthday card from her sister, the card reads--"You're not just my sister. You were my first friend" Lalala smiles. Yup. I wept like a baby and you know something? Hallmark may be cheesy, but every single thing they say is true in some shape or form (kind of like racial stereotypes!).

So that is why today I am dedicating the whole day to my dear Emmy Dooms. From an adorable looking, chubby little pilgrim, Fred Savage look-a-like to a smart, hardworking, lover of British crime and medical series--this one's for you sis. I will never forget the time you tied me to a tree and made me pretend to be a pilgrim while you pretended to be an Indian and "pretended" to set the tree on fire.

Siblings in horror movies aren't exactly the best thing to talk about on your sister who you love's birthday. That's because in most instances sister's and brother's are at some kind of strange battle. What is the social commentary there? We fear our family and would secretly like nothing better than to kill them? Yikes. Well, they can't be right all the time I guess.

**The Spoilers are coming! The Spoilers are coming!**

Sisters

Danielle and Dominque were Siamese twins who were later separated. Before that happened though, Danielle was busy getting busy in bed while her poor sister could do nothing but lay there. Unfortunately Dominque died, but her "personality" lived on still in Danielle, and now and again it would show itself and then kill people.

Even though Emily and I were not Siamese twins I sometimes feel like we are. We do that thing where we think the same exact thing and finishes each other's sentences all the time. Yes, Sisters is a poor example of our relationship but underneath all of Danielle's latent anger and violent tendencies, lays a sister who above all else, loved her sister apologetically...and that's not half bad right?........right?

Happy Birthday To Me

I'll be straight with you. I understood about 10% of the plot in Happy Birthday To Me. Yes, this is mostly because sometimes when I'm eating a sandwich and watching a movie my mind wanders but it's ALSO because about 70% of this movie makes no fucking sense. Not like that matters or anything because I still somehow enjoy this movie enough to think about it every week or so. Here we have a young woman who conveniently forgets whether or not she has been killing people. What we find later however is that her half sister is the one killing people and that her half sister has been pretending to be her friend this whole time.

Imagine one day, someone kills all your friends, blames it on you and then reveals themselves to be your sister that you didn't know you had? One time Emily and I got in a huge fight because she thought I ripped a hole in her new tights. But looking back, that fight was basically nothing compared to having the plot of Happy Birthday to Me happen to you. Worst birthday party ever..dead people, gross!

I Know What You Did Last Summer

I don't mind the relationship between Helen in Elsa here, but then again...neither of them is a psychotic asshole killing random people and blaming it on each other, so there's that. Right so they don't exactly love each other or value each other much but you have to admit that you do feel for Helen when she sees Elsa dead right? No, you're right, Elsa was a huge bitch. And also Helen kicks the bucket not long after so really she couldn't have been feeling sad for THAT long.

Night of the Comet

Now HERE is a pairing of sisters that rocks my socks. Reggie and Sam are only about the coolest girls on the planet. They know how to shoot guns and don't let an apocalypse take them away from the importance of having the mall to yourself and going on a shopping spree. They care about each other, they let each other have fun with men once in awhile and neither one of them dies. It's like a sister match made in heaven. Okay, okay so neither I or my sister knows how to shoot a gun but I should just tell you right now you would still want us on your side in an apocalypse because we are awesome and can quote entire movies for your listening pleasure.

Noriko's Dinner Table

I really, really love this movie and I just realized that I need to watch it again as soon as possible. A "prequel" of sorts to Suicide Club, Noriko's Table is full of confusion, sadness and awesome. Noriko and her sister Yuka really truly care for each other. And we know this because after Noriko leaves her family, Yuka follows her and tracks her down. In a move as bold and simple as that I can't help but think if I would do the same. Would I turn away from the safety of my own home in order to be with my sister? Probably, definitely yes. I mean, I'm basically doing that now and all...only not with that whole creepy prostitution, pretending to be someones daughter thing. That was weird.

Alice Sweet Alice

Alright back to mean and poor examples of sisters again! You know, when I first started this list I didn't think there would be many examples to name. Ha. And now I've only just started referring to my list of reviews and I hit one straight out of the gate. Alice Sweet Alice is a sad movie. It's sad because Alice is really mean but she didn't kill anyone like everyone thought she did! Hmmmm so maybe this is actually a good example of a sister relationship? No, no definitely not because Alice is a bitch and just because one time Emily told me I was adopted is no reason to call her that awful B word!

Psycho

Psycho reminds me that if my sister were ever killed in a shower by a psychopath, I would obviously jump at the chance to find her killer and then steal her hunky boyfriend. Just kidding....But honestly the sister relationship in Psycho is one that people don't seem to talk about often. The fact is however, Lila stops at nothing to find out what happened to her sister and I love that. This is the kind of thing that we need more of in horror. No more of this, sibling rivalry crap. Luckily I feel completely comforted by the fact that if someone were to kill me in a shower, my sister would come looking and vice versa.

Repulsion

The relationship between Carole and Helen is not one that I enjoy. In fact, it's pretty much the exact opposite of Emily and I's relationship. My sister would never leave me by myself while I was having a complete mental breakdown and go gallivanting off with her sleazy boyfriend for holiday. For a weekend MAYBE. Just kidding she wouldn't ever do that and maybe if Helen didn't have her head so far up her MARRIED boyfriend's butt, she would have noticed that Carole was in dire need of some sort of psychiatric evaluation.

Spider Baby

Virginia and Elizabeth may be "demented" and highly dangerous, but I can't help feeling that they really just like to have fun. In a way, they remind me of my sister and I as we played pilgrims and Indians or when she would make me pretend to be a dog named Cookie. Then again, we didn't kill anyone or have two giant pet tarantulas......bleck!

The Shining

These two sisters were the cause of my nightmares when I was little and probably yours too. What makes them an interesting character to me however is that they are the victim and yet we wildly fear them. Of course maybe we wouldn't fear them if they didn't creep up behind us when we least expect it or if they didn't hide behind hallway corners when we're driving our big wheels around empty hotels. Just saying.

Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?

Jealously isn't an uncommon thing in families and it certainly wasn't uncommon here with Jane and Blanche Hudson. Sisterly competition was never portrayed more viciously than it was in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? and how could it not when evil "baby" Jane tries to feed her sister a dead rat? Let it be known that Emily hates mice and rats with a seething passion and I am well aware of this and would never feed her a dead rat even if I was really mad at and jealous of her.

Ginger Snaps

And finally we come to the ultimate sister pair that I'm sure many of you instantly thought of when I said "tribute to sisters in horror". Ginger and Brigitte had a similar relationship to me and Emily--that is, before Ginger turned into a werewolf. They were best friends, had similar creative minds and were really all that each other needed. Of course when Ginger goes all werewolf crazy and blah blah tries to eat her sister, things get complicated. BUT through it all and against all odds, their relationship surges on. Even after Ginger's death, their bond is still outrageously strong. I said in my review of Ginger Snaps, that Ginger's death scene was one of the saddest things that I've ever seen portrayed in a horror film, and I meant it.

And that is that. Sure there are more! Sure I am lazy! But so what? It's Emily's birthday and it's time to drink champagne and eat oysters. Join me now in wishing Emmy Doomas the very best birthday in the world. She's my first friend, my best friend and my life! Hooray!

The Manitou: I Declare This Day, Harry Erskine Day

I keep trying to find meaning in sub-par horror films that seem to only fill us with laughter and joy. Is that so wrong? Is there a written rule that says you cannot model your life after the things you see in movies such as The Manitou? There better not be, because starting today, I'm living every day like it's Harry Erskine day. Jesus Christ, what does that even mean? I'll tell you what it means. It means coming home from a long and stressful day of work as a fake psychic and putting on your disco beats full blast. It means pouring yourself a beer into a wine glass and making sexy dance faces while doing it.

It means sitting gently down in a weird dentist's chair and then having the phone ring and physically stating your distress by doing the "curses" fist shake.

Damn it. I am living my life like Harry Erskine and I don't care who knows!

If someone was to tell you: "Listen, I've got a movie for you to watch. It's about a woman with a tumor who finds out that that tumor is NOT a tumor, it's a fucking Indian Shaman reincarnating himself into a woman's tumor so that he can get back at the white man for taking his land."....would you say, "FUCK YES." or what? I mean, you have to say fuck yes because that's all you can say in this situation. How often are you going to get the chance to see a movie about an angry Indian stuck in a tumor in the back of some woman's neck?

Not very often probably. Hence the reason why The Manitou is one of the most important films in the world. I say we nominate it for the National Film Registry. Who's with me?

I think you get the gist of the plot but in case you don't let me reiterate here. Indian Shaman. Tumor. Shenanigans. Yup that's correct, the Indian Shaman possessing the tumor makes some crazy things happen. Things like making the doctor about to surgically remove the tumor suddenly decide to cut into his hand with the scalpel instead. The possessed shaman tumor also makes people yell things uncontrollably.

He sure is a feisty one.

Hey, you know what I love? Laughing hysterically about something and then crying. Wait scratch that I hate that! It's so cruel. This exact thing happened while watching the scene where old Mrs. Herz goes into a fit of seizure and then wildly cries out MAN-I-TOU MAN-I-TOU. It was hilarious, over the top and really fucking bizarre. But then something horrible happened....something that made me suddenly wish I was 5 years old again and resting peacefully in my mother's bosom. Mrs. Herz suddenly and without warning began eerily floating down the hallway!!!

I've said before that this is a safe environment and so I feel comfortable sharing things here that I've never told anyone. O.K. here it goes, I have a strange and irrational fear of old ladies mysteriously floating. I hate it! It's so fucking creepy. Why do they do that why?! See Death Becomes Her (NUNS IN THE MORGUE AHHH), House on Haunted Hill or The Craft (Okay not an old lady but Fairuza Balk is scary enough) for more information. Ahhhh I don't want to talk about it anymore, stop it!

Is it over? Phew. I wasn't expecting The Manitou to really prey on my latent fears of old women doing creepy things but damn it. I can tell you right now that if I watched that scene when I was a wee one I would be a very, very different person.

I'm not exactly sure what it is about The Manitou that I came to like so much. Perhaps just the honest truth that it's really an endearing film after all. It's pretty ludicrous in just about everything that it does and that is awesome. Where else can we find a seance where the "spirit" turns the table to a strange tar-like substance and makes his head rise out of the goop?

Nowhere but Manitou. It's just a film full of silly really--but for that, I love it. The writing is hilarious and cliche. The scares are funny and at times surprising (let's not mention the Mrs. Herz incident to anyone okay?) and helloo Tony Curtis AND Burgess Meredith? Pffft amazing.

Plus, as difficult as it is to put my bravery aside, I must admit that there are moments of The Manitou that are truly great in their own right. The "birthing" scene for instance and the actual first look at The Manitou IS kind of startling. Am I right?

Oh who am I kidding. He's gross and terrifying. I don't need to envision slimy, Shaman midgets crawling around on hospital floors while I'm sleeping peacefully in my bed alright?

He's very scary and I imagine that he is the direct cause of many people's childhood breakdowns. Overall, The Manitou is a lot of fun. It is about 15 minutes too long however but most of the other scenes and laugh out loud moments of ridiculous kind of make up for this. Plus it just keeps getting better and better. So a great deal of it doesn't make sense. So, the Shaman has an unnecessary and strange power to turn the hospital into a paper mache ice lair. so what? Has that ever stopped us before? Did we ever say, "Hey you guys you know what, having Satan be in a strange liquid form in a Church basement doesn't really make sense" ? Definitely not, and so I insist that we provide The Manitou with the same amount of YES as possible. Got it? Good. Besides, there's nothing better than having a really evil Indian spirit be just a guy in a rubber lizard suit.

I checked and it's true. There's nothing better....

....Seriously though, who's kidding who here? This is the best movie that was ever created.

I don't know about you, but a movie that inexplicably turns into naked Star Wars by its end, is a win in my book.