How To Use Eccentric Poltergeist Quotes in Everyday Life

I can't help it if Poltergeist is one of my favorite movies in the world. I can't, so sue me. I have seen it no less than 10,000 times and am able to quote the movie by heart--obviously. One thing that I have always prided myself on however (other than my Craig T. Nelson impression) is my knack for saying eccentric Poltergeist quotes during regular day activities. Often times these quotes are said in my head so as not to disappoint those that do not condone unwarranted screaming.

As wonderful as Poltergeist is (and it is I should add) there are quite a bit of lines that are spoken rather erratically. I can't judge though because if my daughter was sucked into her closet and walking around with a beast, I too would probably be irrational and shouting things all the time. So without further ado, here is a quick and handy guide to show you just how to use these quotes. Practice them afterwards please.

Diane Freeling: THE SWIMMING POOL! THE SWIMMING POOL!

This one can be used on a few occasions. The most obvious being when you can't find your daughter and think that she may have snuck out the bedroom window when you weren't looking and went for a dip in the muddy, unfinished pool in your backyard.

It can also be used this way. Say for example that it's really REALLY hot outside and your friend, sibling, lover, or parent is complaining about it being too hot. You can suggest......THE SWIMMING POOL! THE SWIMMING POOL! Quite reasonable I think.

Diane Freeling: BASTARDS! SHE'S JUST A BABY!! (Baby is pronounced Bay*Bee)

I always shout this to my sister when she yells at my cat for doing something mean. For the more normal people out there, this phrase can also be used when passing a child on the street. Whenever you see a parent who could be doing a little better in the parenting department like maybe their kid is on a leash, or perhaps they are scolding their child for walking too slowly---you can stare them in the eyes and shout BASTARDS! SHE'S JUST A BABY! Hopefully it's a little girl otherwise the effect will be lost.

Robbie Freeling: YOU GOT BIT? WOOOW!

This one isn't necessarily eccentric but it's hands down my favorite thing to say on a regular basis. I'm telling you once I point this out you will always, always say this out loud. The scenario is such: you are outside at a BBQ, picnic, bonfire or whatever it is you social people do in the summer. Suddenly the person next to you says OW! or Fucking Mosquito! or SOMETHING. That's your cue! .... YOU GOT BIT? and then when you pretend to see the bug bite exclaim--WOOOW! This must be said the same exact way that Robbie says it, or you will lose points.

Dana Freeling: WHAT'S HAPPENING!!!!!!! WHAT'S HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!

This is my 2nd favorite thing to say. It is the perfect phrase to act out in the privacy of your house or apartment when you see a bunch of fire trucks,police cars, or ambulances drive by. After you witness the flashing lights, turn to the person nearest to you, pretend like you're pulling out your really really high ponytail and then shout WHAT'S HAPPENING!!! WHAT'S HAPPENING!!!!!! You should also try to be as hysterical as possible.

Diane Freeling: DO NOT GO INTO THE LIGHT. STOP WHERE YOU ARE. TURN AWAY FROM IT. DON'T EVEN LOOK AT IT!

This one is sort of hard to come across in everyday life which is why it needs some tweaking. Find yourself one of those really really big flashlights. Go outside and point it right at somebody walking on the street. Then say the magic words, and make sure you let them know that you just saved them from passing on before they were ready.

Of course if you'd rather not tweak it you can always wait for someone to enter the light stream of a streetlight and then let them have it. Be prepared for some awkward looks and/or anger.

Steven Freeling: YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU MOVED THE CEMETERY, BUT YOU LEFT THE BODIES, DIDN'T YOU?! YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU LEFT THE BODIES AND ONLY MOVED THE HEADSTONES! YOU-ONLY-MOVED-THE-HEADSTONES WHY!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is the most hysterical and rightfully so. As it turns out I have a hard time fitting this one into everyday life. Actually I just really needed an excuse to play this clip of Craig T Nelson going absolutely ape shit. I suppose you could always find your nearest gravedigger and let him have it but I don't know. I think this one is best enjoyed alone. I say it out loud at least twice a day-- three times a day on Wednesdays.

This whole scene is hysterical and eccentric and it contains Steven and Dana's freak outs. Enjoy and practice, practice practice!!

By the way... I'm introducing a new segment at the Horror Digest. It's called I'm Going to Talk About Poltergeist A Lot Goddamnit. So there.