Can I Get a Mummy Renaissance?

I keep telling myself that I have to keep up with the classic horror films. Just like my sister tells herself that reading the classics is something she must do. Just like all of us feel that because something is so old, it has to be brilliant and in turn---a masterpiece. But why don't more people address the fact that just because a movie is old, doesn't mean it's necessarily a great film?

Sometimes I think about 70 years into the future and the possibility that kids then will think that "old" movies are all highly regarded as masterpieces. Will we see intellectual types touting Wild Things as a landmark in psycho sexual thrillers? Will kids be bragging about their vintage Blu-ray copy of Freddy Got Fingered or maybe discussing the thematic importance of Battle Los Angeles? I shudder at the thought . I even shudder at the thought of The Social Network one day being referred to as a classic film. Isn't it scary? It's terrifying!

At any rate, my blatant disregard for the Universal horror classics has meant a lot of mean stares getting sent my way. After not loving Dracula or maybe even calling it overrated, I realized that most people have an instant defense mechanism built in for when people attempt to raise eyebrows at classic films. I always ask these people in my head, do you really believe it is a masterpiece? Or do you just think you have to believe that it is? Granted the majority of people while not necessarily equating it to masterpiece level do love it simply for the impact it made on the genre. This I can agree with for obvious vampire obsessed reasons. But then this idea brings me to The Mummy.

When talking about the Monster Squad once, I made light of the fact that Dracula picked a few of the worst possible monsters he could to populate his bad boys club--namely The Mummy who can barely out walk a gimpy pigeon and who can be turned to dust in seconds.

Plus--he's not even very scary...okay well, he's a little scary in his more skeleton-like state but overall, he's not utilized much is he? When I made these claims however, a few people protested the lack of scare by bringing up Boris Karloff in The Mummy. Could it be that at one point, mummies were a scary monster? This I had to see.

As it turns out, Boris Karloff in my opinion is not scary or terribly great as a mummy. To me he is Frankenstein and as far away from looking Egyptian as possible. To top it all off however, the actual mummification of Boris Karloff is over almost as quickly as it began. For those brief moments where his eyes flutter open and his bandages brush over the young and annoying archaelogists hand, we do feel at least some kind of fear. But then what? Then we catch a quick glimpse of a strand of bandage as it goes out the door and 10 years later, Boris Karloff returns rejuvenated into a presentable if not very wrinkly Egyptian man, and the movie morphs into a Dracula infused love story. Once again, the actual mummy aspect is not utilized properly!

This bothers me immensely for some reason because The Mummy is no longer really the mummy. He is now, a tragic love story. I want the thrills. I want the breathtaking power that Frankenstein evokes. Is this maybe why, mummies never really caught on as staples in horror culture? Is this why we don't have a mummy craze like we have a werewolf and vampire craze? I bet it is. Which of course prompts me to revisit my previous claim; mummies are still not very scary to me but I want them to be. I so badly do. I want them to be fearsome. I want to see blood seep through bandages. I want evil curses to be flying out at people left and right. I want mummies to actually threaten some damage! I think it's time for a mummy rebirth. Who's with me?

And in case you haven't figured it out by now, I don't think very highly of The Mummy. I didn't even finish it actually which obviously begs the question of whether or not I reserve the right to say bad things about the film but it is my blog and all so I win. It has a few moments of intrigue but overall an improper use of mummies me thinks. And Boris Karloff is still just playing Frankenstein only with some heavy eye makeup. Sorry dude.

Phantom of the Paradise: Dream It Never Ends

It's difficult to know where to begin with Brian De Palma's rock opera horror movie hybrid Phantom of Paradise... although, I wouldn't say no to starting with a yes, wow!, huh?, or weird. When my good friend and fellow blogger The Mike of From Midnight, With Love sent me a copy of the film, I knew I couldn't pass it up. But then one thing led to another, I moved and the movie somehow ended up in an unknown place. Luckily whilst banging my head on the wall after canceling my DVD subscription from Netflix, the drawer of my desk flew open and there lay Phantom of the Paradise. A message from god? Probably. OR more like Rod Serling.

I am never sure what to do with the Rock Opera genre of film. I don't always get them---that is to say I am confused about my sexuality while watching them. In that hour and 30 minutes I seem to teeter back and forth between being a gay man and a teenage girl with a glitter fetish. I also usually feel frightened and self conscious, alone and angry that I can't sing show tunes in my shower because the neighbors might get angry. Yes, the world is a dangerous and confusing place when watching Rock Operas, but one thing is almost always stated with certainty---it's always so much fun.

Phantom of the Paradise is often described as a re-imagining of Phantom of the Opera with Faustian undertones. Paul Williams stars as the evil Swan, a "devil" of a man who seeks the perfect music to open his new performance rock club The Paradise with. William Finley plays Winslow, a songwriter and performer whose music gets stolen by Swan and warped to fit his strange glam rock needs. There's also Jessica Harper, who in her very first film role plays Phoenix, the up and coming singer whom Winslow falls in love with. After finding out Swan's true intentions for his music, Winslow storms the record company and suffers a gruesome accident leaving him disfigured. After returning to The Paradise, Winslow dons a costume and mask and vows to destroy The Paradise.

Chances are when you start watching Phantom of the Paradise, you won't know what to do. Half of the people watching will turn it off because they are uncomfortable with their sexuality. A quarter of the viewers will call it stupid, corny and ridiculous (but nobody likes them), and the other quarter will absolutely adore it--hence giving the film its cult status. There really is no way around the fact however that the film is insanely creative, filled with mayhem and is awesome though. Am I right?

The colors, the eccentricities, the flamboyant musicians named Beef,

the singing, the weird dancing, the METAL TEETH...

it's all too strangely mystical, nightmarish and weird to comprehend. To top it all off, Paul Williams bears an uncanny resemblance to one of my friend's mothers. In truth, Paul Williams bears an uncanny resemblance to almost any woman in the 1970s but that's neither here nor there.

Still, with all his creepiness and his shortness--there's something very unusually appealing about Paul Williams. But NOT in a sexy, oh yes, Daniel Craig have sex with me now kind of way. More like in a........you are so unusual...also you scare me...but I will still watch this movie kind of way. You feel me?

What is also thrilling and unique about Phantom of Paradise however is how many references are packed in. People are never slow to accuse De Palma of Hitchcock thieving (although us kinder and more well adjusted folks refer to it as homaging) and what would you know, there is a lovely nod to the famous shower scene.

But there's also a brilliant homage to the Cabinet of Dr. Caligari,

a shout out to the Manchurian Candidate's assassination scene, a replica of Hitchock's camera work in Vertigo and a homage to Orson Welles' famous opening scene in A Touch of Evil. But don't stop yet! We also get references and nods to Frankenstein, The Cask of Amontillado, The Picture of Dorian Gray, and of course Faust and Phantom of the Opera. I mean basically, Phantom of the Paradise is kind of like a massive orgy of Swanage proportions where classic movies and well regarded films and stories are all doing it. It hurts your eyes but you just cannot look away.

I am also partial to all the glorious bird imagery and I want the Death Records logo tattooed on my body somewhere...preferably on my face.

So although it may have been difficult to begin, it's not necessarily difficult to finish. The film is insanely chaotic but that doesn't mean it can't calm me down in a very strange and unexpected way. I guess watching Phantom of the Paradise is like doing drugs and eating delicious chocolate chip cookies, while having your head massaged at the same time. It's all kinds of awesome, it's pretty weird, and you'll have a hard time replicating the sensation when you felt it all for the first time. Such is life my friends. Such is life.

The Scary Face Club: August Inductees

If you are searching for a way to make your summer last longer, then you should start a totally awesome club that only meets once a month. I swear, the time in between Scary Face Club meetings gets longer and longer and no matter how much I wish that a new month will begin---it seems I still must wait. Who knew that it was physically impossible to will time to move faster?

Well don't worry kids, because August is here and a new meeting of The Scary Face Club is now in session. By the way, were YOU aware that Ann M. Martin wrote a book recently called The Summer Before about the summer before the Babysitters Club began? Me neither, why don't people keep me informed about important things like that?

The Phantom

(The Phantom of the Opera)

When I saw the Phantom of the Opera for the first time, I couldn't believe how effective and scary the unveiling of the Phantom really was. It catches you off guard and it definitely scares the shit out of you whether you like to admit it or not. Perhaps what has always been the most fascinating thing about The Phantom of the Opera however, is that Lon Chaney pretty much got his own face to look like that. Sticking wires up places they don't belong, using tape, cotton balls you name it--Lon Chaney somehow (Although I wouldn't put it past the man to use an actual knife) got his face to look like that. Call me crazy, but even today in the advanced world of FX makeup--few things come as close to frightening as this face does. Am I right?

The Woman

(The Woman)

I've been holding off on inducting The Woman into The Scary Face Club because I wanted to wait until I could get a decent picture of her at her most frightening. The above picture really does not do Pollyanna McIntosh justice and it saddens me that so many people have not been able to see this craziness for themselves yet. In case you missed it, The Woman is one crazy fucking ride and The Woman herself has this way about her. She stares at your with her wild eyes and I swear to God, it makes you think she is going to lurch out of the screen at any minute and bite your face off. I even had to look away at one point and pretend to find something in my purse, to avoid looking at her face. It's that scary! Trust me.

Pennywise

(IT)

Pennywise would be scary enough even if he didn't have those razor sharp teeth. Clowns are scary period, but hopefully you already know that. And if you don't.....where have you been? Anyways, whenever you mix clowns with blatant horror, fear seems to head deep into the extreme. Such is the case in Stephen King's IT, where Pennywise becomes this horrible landmark of holy shit moments. For most of us, our fear of clowns probably began with the viewing of IT and for the rest of us--what the fuck? How can Pennywise not be one of the scariest faces in the world? How?

Reverend Henry Kane

(Poltergeist II)

While Poltergeist II is a terrible movie, it does have one tremendously awesome thing going for it--the Reverend Henry Kane. And by tremendously awesome I do mean, horribly horrible. Because I would never wish the image of Reverend Henry Kane knocking on the screen door upon my worst enemy. The man is a walking corpse, which I realize is in bad taste because he died shortly after the film was wrapped, but so be it. It's only been a few weeks since I watched Poltergeist II but I still cannot get the image of him wiped clear from my brain, or the sound of his sickeningly sweet little voice blocked from my ears.

Eli's man face

(Let the Right One In)

If you've never seen Let the Right One In, you're probably surprised that the above face made it into this esteemed club. If you have seen it however, then you know exactly why it made it in. There is something so unbelievably scary about Eli's creepy older man face. In that one moment, her childish exterior turns into a foul and scary looking beast and it does so, without being literally scary. That is to say it does not go the route that the American remake goes, by turning her into a snarling CGI happy vampire. Instead we get this moment that literally sends chills down your spine. It's a moment that reminds us how inhuman Eli truly is, despite what her heart and character tells us.