Chris and Andre Cast The Hellraiser Remake (Now w/ Bonus Lost Picks!)

Sometime ago news broke of the dreaded remake conquering Hellraiser. As with most things that happen to our world, I find that it's better to embrace change and adapt to it rather then become sullen and mope- and so consider this remake news accepted. However while working hard at one of my jobs on Gchat chatting with my pal Chris of All Things Horror we somehow got on the topic of Hellraiser. I then brought up how sometime before my entry into the horror blogosphere, I had read an article where a fantasy casting of Hellraiser was created. After a tiring Google search the article was found and we were shocked with the choices. We will not go further in identifying said article in fear of being sued, but just know that some particular choices were so abominable that we almost puked. Actually Chris may have puked but hid it with a coughing fit.

In any case, we decided to take matters into our own hands and went one step further to bring you not one, not two but three different ways of casting the Hellraiser remake. The first choice will be my choice, the 2nd Chris's and the 3rd- will be if Hellraiser was cast solely with survivors of Oceanic Flight 815- and some "others" that's right a LOST fantasy casting. What we found is that Hellraiser and LOST are more connected than we ever thought possible- and because of this, I'm pretty sure I know exactly what will happen once LOST ends for good.

PINHEAD

Andre's Choice: Chris Cooper

I've come to realize in recent years that Chris Cooper may be one of the most underrated actor's ever. His stoic face completely reminded me of the harsh and cruel nature embodied by Doug Bradley's Pinhead. However Chris Cooper also has depth- and you know who else has depth? Pinhead! He's got a past- and Pinhead can't be played with someone who will rely solely on facial stoicism and needle in the face effects. How He Nailed the Audition: Cooper's Uber-Nazi scum Frank Fitts- an evil man for the most part, with a secretive emotional undercurrent.

Chris’s Pick: Chris Eccleston

At first I thought about going with someone obvious like a Kevin Spacey. But then I remembered a fondness I have for the eccentricity of a certain Mr. Eccleston. I don’t know exactly how evil his potential is because I missed out on his portrayal of Destro in the GI Joe Movie. I’ll assume he was Okaaay. I’ve always enjoyed his run on Dr. Who, as well as his performance in Shallow Grave. Slam a few hundred nails in his head, keep his pallor on the pale side, and I think he could do amazing things. He has a face made for inflicting everlasting pain. He is capable of the kind of menace necessary for a believable Master of Sexual Hell.

Andre's Flight 815 Pick: (Smoke Monster) John Locke

Not to be confused with non-smoke monster John Locke, smoke monster John Locke is bald, ruthless, and evil (so far). His past however runs deep as he seems to contain small traces of the old John Locke, just like Pinhead still contained traces of his former self. Aha! See? Just like the island- everything starts making sense once your head stops hurting and you connect all the pieces..... Just. Like. A. PUZZLE BOX. Ok sorry.

Chris' Flight 815 Pick: Benjamin Linus

This will have to be Season 2 – 5 when Ben still had some semblance of power on the Island (or Hell). Who better to charm unsuspecting seekers of pleasure? Always scheming and lying, he is the epitome of the trickster needed to lure people into eternal chains.

FRANK

Andre's Pick: Joseph Fiennes

I thought long and hard about who could possibly play the often shirtless, bad boy, puzzle box solver, seductor of Julia when it finally hit me. Voldemort's younger brother, Joseph Fiennes! He has the perfect look- that permanent 5 o'clock shadow, and those dark and mysterious eyes that are just begging for a piece of Jules. Plus he has the uncanny ability to look both smarmy, slimy, AND strangely attractive which is hard to do. How He Nailed the Audition: Fiennes' Shakespeare was both troubled and entirely seductive plus one look into those eyes and I'd gladly kill some business men with a hammer.

Chris’ Pick: Cillian Murphy

To me, Cillian Murphy is the obvious choice. Frank is a vortex of dark, greedy lust. He can’t be satisfied with mere outrageous fetishistic sexual encounters, so he delves into the malevolent puzzle box to fulfill his deep-seeded, dark desires. Cillian is tall, brooding, thin but athletic, and his face possesses mystery and subtle menace. He is a rare combo brainy bad boy, something that Julia obviously cannot resist when Frank needs her to lure in fresh victims.

Flight 815's Pick: Sawyer

Andre: This was pretty much a no brainer since Sawyer is the ULTIMATE seductive bad boy. How could Julia possibly resist Sawyer's hicky accent, scruffy beard, and mostly shirtless upper body? Plus if anyone has real demons it's Sawyer and I would wager a guess- escaping from hell would be pretty high on his bad boy list of things to do as well.

Chris: Obviously the correct answer is Sawyer aka James Ford aka Lafleur. Like Frank, Sawyer is all about himself and pursuing the things that make him happy, even at the expense of others. Sawyer would definitely hoard the puzzle box and selfishly unleash its power for his own amusement. He didn’t even want to share medicine with the passengers for goodness sake. He’s a bad man, and secret self-loathing and tendency toward self-destruction is the name of the game.

JULIA

Andre's Pick: Cate Blanchett

The key to casting Julia is realizing that she wasn't always as brutal and heartless as Hellraiser 2 would have you believe. She was frightened of Frank's reappearance and it took some real coaxing to get to her actually perform those dastardly deeds. And although this is true fantasy casting I would have to go with my gut and say that Cate would be the perfect Julia. Her look, her refinement, and her inner sex kitten just waiting to be unleashed? It's all there. How She Nailed the Audition: Blanchett's Galadriel could instantly change from beautiful and enchanting to menacing, the minute Frodo offered her the ring of power. The duality of evil and beauty has never been stronger.

Chris’s Pick: Claudia Black

Claudia Black has a kind of subtle grace and unique look that harkens back to the character originally played by Claire Higgins. Sure, Higgins is a bit softer looking, but Claudia has a depth in her eyes that seeks an exciting life beyond a simple “perfect” marriage. She is bored, horny, but she has a vulnerability and secret desire that could believably turn to sudden horrific violence. Plus her accent would make it easy for her to lure me to her secret sex lair so she could smash me with a claw hammer.

Flight 815's Pick: Juliet

Andre: Before Juliet came to the island she was a mild mannered doctor who deeply loved her sister Rachel and would do anything to make her sister's cancer disappear. Somewhere along the line her constant inability to get off the island caused those mild manners to disappear and Juliet became an instant killing machine. She no longer hesitated when shooting comrades and wasn't afraid to kick some ass. Plus she turned to the dark side when she started boning Sawyer (aka Frank!)

Chris: Juliet was able to make the successful transition from nurturing, crusading obstetrician, to cold-blooded killer. And, she did it all for love (or lust).

LARRY

Andre's Pick: Christopher Meloni

After being forced to watch repeated viewings of all Law and Order SVU's, I've decided that Chris here could actually play a decent Larry. Sure he is a bit more attractive than your typical Larry, but he has a certain vulnerability about him that could lead to ignorance when dealing with the possiblity of his wife's affair with his evil brother. How He Nailed the Audition: Meloni's recent role in Carriers taught me that he has a kind and nurturing fatherly manner to him, something key in Larry's demise and one of the main reasons Kristy must return to the house.

Chris’ Pick: Edward Norton

Larry was the toughest choice for me. I almost lost sleep over it. Even though we identify the more with Kirsty, Larry is the catalyst for everything that happens to us and responsible for our entrance into the story. If he hadn’t decided to move into the house, no one would have ever discovered his brother Frank’s terrible lair. I chose Norton because I needed someone with a hint of wimpiness, but not so much that he was totally wishy-washy. Why, then, would Julia ever marry him? Why would Kirsty care enough to help him out if that were the case? I also needed a nice guy foil for evil Frank. Since they are brothers, there should be a few minor resemblances physically speaking, even though internally they are worlds apart. He’s still a little young looking, but I think Norton would make a believable Larry, one who would work hard to keep Julia satisfied, but still be a little clueless as to what exactly it is that she needs.

Flight 815's Pick: Ben Linus

Chris and I had a bit of a debate on this- but Ben Linus is just the kind of vulnerable that Larry needs to be. He also however is a great father- when he's not letting his daughter get shot that is. The point is people, we all make mistakes- and plus Ben totally LOVED Juliet at one point and we all know it. Juliet would totally bone Sawyer behind Ben's back and love every second of it.

Chris' Flight 815’s Pick: John Locke

The unassuming, pathetic John Locke from Season 1 would make a nice Larry, I think. He was enthusiastic about moving into a new place (The Island stands in for the townhouse), but also a bit naïve. He was interested in a fresh start just like Larry is with his family, beautiful wife Julia, and lovely daughter Kirsty. He totally trusted that things would work out for the best, but he ultimately becomes victim of a corrupting, irresistible temptation.

KRISTY

Andre's Pick: Hayden Panettiere

Yes I may get a lot of flack for this but I really believe Hayden has it in her to play this role. Due to her role on Heroes I've learned to love her- and her more recent stints with darkness and hair dyes on the show prove that she is capable of reaching to darker places within her acting abilities. Just imagine how she would react to the Man with Horned Rimmed Glasses being killed by an evil uncle? She'd be pretty pissed and pretty distraught- just like Kristy should be. How She Nailed the Audition: The Cheerleader has lost more things she's cared about than Harry Potter plus she's the only "younger" actress that I can stand.

Chris’ Pick: Alison Brie

Kirsty may be small, young, and cute, but she’s no slouch. She hates her stepmother Julia and isn’t afraid to say so. When she discovers the bloody mattress torture room of Frank, does she run and hide? No, she unlocks the mystery and fights back. She is even able to successfully resist the seductive Cenobites. If you think about it, this is exactly how Brie’s character is in Community. She is always resisting her urges for the greater good! She is pure and the symbol of temptation Pinhead feels to reach out to our world. If you think about it, she is actually the puzzle no one can figure out.

Andre's Flight 815 Pick: Alex

Alex was short lived sure, but she sure dealt with the role of having Daddy issues pretty darn well. She has spunk, life, and isn't afraid of guns- plus she can cry pretty well- and look mean at the same time!

Chris' Flight 815 Pick: Claire

Claire may seem young and naïve, but she is a trooper when she needs to be. Anyone messing with Aaron is sure to feel her wrath. Although Season 5 and 6 reveals that she may be corruptible, she is still one of the most pure, self-sacrificing inhabitants of the Island.

FEMALE CENOBITE

Chris’ Pick: Virginia Hey

The lovely and statuesque Hey was the clear winner for me. I’ve always been attracted to her blue-skinned and bald Pa’u Zotoh Zhaan on Farscape. She has a grace and confidence that might be very horrifying in a cenobite fetish outfit complete with pleasure wounds. P.S. What a creative name for this prominent Cenobite, you idiot screenwriters!

Andre's Flight 815 Pick: Claire

It seems as though Claire has slowly moved from normalcy to craziness aka from the real world to hell aka she's a Cenobite now. Also I just really want to see what she looks like bald. Probably still hot I bet.

Chris' Flight 815 Pick: Ana Lucia

Ana Lucia is mean. She likes giving and receiving pain. Easy enough. Next!

CHATTERER

Andre's Pick: Andy Serkis

Andy is the king of looking like a creep, and when he has make-up on he can achieve a whole new level of creepiness. What better person to play a person entirely suited up in makeup where their face is less important than their actions and creepy demeanor? How He Nailed the Audition: Serkis' Gollum was a masterpiece in creepy creatures.

Chris’ Pick: Jim Carrey

Duh, dude already has the gigantic scary mouth for it, so the effects people wouldn’t have much to do. The only problem is that Chatterer is actually very quiet except for the eerie chattering sound. If Carrey can keep a lid on it, I say he’s got the part.

Flight 815's Pick: Ethan

Andre: Yeah he wasn't on the plane either but he is the forerunner in battle for one of the creepiest looking people ever so BAM he wins.

Chris: Ethan is a scary dude. He is soft-spoken, but has a large presence. He would make a great Chatterer, methinks.

BUTTERBALL

Chris’ Pick: Jon Lovitz

I know, I know. Jon Lovitz is…plump. But, I didn’t mean it that way. I think Lovitz has some malevolence lurking within that he’d like to explore and what better way than as the creepy Butterball. I think I’ve seen paparazzi photos of Lovitz stabbing people with sunglasses, so he’s a shoe in.

Flight 815's Pick: Hurley

Andre: No explanation necessary.

Chris: DUH moment of the year. Sorry, Dude, but I guess it’s you by default. How does Butterball stay so fat in Hell like that?