Friday, February 12, 2010

The Fashion Digest: Fashion Faux Pas (Men's Department)


You know what always bores me? Men's fashion! I can't help but be less than thrilled with seeing look after look of boring menswear fashions- how many boring pairs of slacks must I endure before I lose my mind? Looking at the fashion in horror movies however provides a bit of excitement- but as exciting as some of these notable fashions are they unfortunately are always on the worst idea ever list. Luckily my dear sister Emmy Doomas has a real knack for looking at the bad and turning it into good. If only she could sew, then she would could win Project Runway and then Tim Gunn would come to our apartment and live in my closet. Sigh. A girl can dream can't she? In any case here are our picks for fashion faux pas in the men's department. Whether or not these looks add to their villain appeal- they are still pretty awful and there's no denying that.



Pinhead


Pinhead's look of course has largely to do with the fact that he's basically the S&M master of the underworld, but that doesn't mean he can't get some decent made leather to replace that horrible pleather look. When I was in middle school- pleather was all the rage- now however pleather only brings bad feelings and attracts PETA to be your friend. PETA is nobody's friend no matter how many dolphins they save. Also as a side note- in high school I took those pleather pants and made my very own pair of chaps to wear when I played Christina Aguilera in the school lipsync. Why yes we did win first place thank you for asking.


Only Pinheads Wear Pleather
Here are my feelings about any form of shiny leather: it is only acceptable to wear shiny leather on your feet, or occasionally on a belt or handbag. That’s it. End of story. Bye Bye. Any material that can be cleaned with windex, should never be made into actual articles of clothing! Obviously no one told Mr. Pinhead here. I love a man in a leather jacket, but there are some rules that need to be followed. First of all, stay away from floor length leather jackets. They are purely associated with disgruntled high school boys who listen to obscure German metal bands and wear black eyeliner. Secondly, keep the accoutrements on the leather jacket to a bare minimum. Any kind of stenciling or multitude of zippers and you might as well be Danny Zucko, singing Greased Lightening on the top of your car.
I find this version by Kenneth Cole much more appealing.

It’s real leather and there is only one extraneous zipper! A miracle! It also comes in brown, which is perfect for those who are more Brokeback Mountain then Evil Knievel.




Candyman

I love Tony Todd and I love the Candyman- but fur coats are worse than pleather because they attract negative attention from PETA. Plus fur is just ugly and can really weigh a guy down. I'm pretty sure only pimps wear coats made entirely out of fur, and although the Candyman could be considered Helen's pimp- it's just really a bad look. Tony Todd is a huge guy but this coat still looks like it's eating him! Please Candyman throw out that coat in the dumpster!


Santa Clause Rejects?

Shearling can really be called the men’s version of a lady’s fur coat. While ladies wear fur (sorry PETA), for a man to do so really screams King Richard to me. Shearling coats looks refined, but still relaxed, unless you are this man with a giant hook in his hand, who is clearly neither. A few problems with Captain Hook’s coat here. First of all, the shearling parts are WAY TOO BIG. He looks like he shopped out of Santa’s reject bin. The nasty brown shearling takes up almost his entire sleeve! Ridiculous. Plus, this guy needs a good tailor ASAP. Even Santa Clause wears a belt---so get that thing sized properly, or else you look like you're a walking pillowcase.
I think The Candyman would be much more comfortable in something from every college girl’s favorite brand….UGGs! They don’t only make impractical snowshoes people! They have some fabulous shearling as seen below
This coat has great structure, and they have eliminated any shearling on the cuffs, which makes it less Saint Nick, and more Saint I’m the Coolest Person in the world because I wear sheep!


Leatherface


I've always wanted to know why Leatherface had to wear a suit and a tie while chopping up all that meat. Who is he trying to look nice for? Plus I'm pretty sure he's been wearing that same suit since he was 10 years old- what is up with the mini tie? People really need to work on getting things in the right size. Sure, there may not be a whole lot of clothing stores available in that town in Texas- but Leatherface could just as easily strip off the clothes of a victim and worn those. It's all about recycling these days.


I Get Weak for A Guy in A Tie

There is a whole lotta wrong with this guy holding the sledgehammer. First of all, he is in need of some serious moisturizer! Eeegads---tan, much? He looks like leather! Oh wait…I just realized his name is Leatherface! Well, Oil of Olay can clear that problem right up! Well aside from his skin care regiment, we got a "fat guy in a little coat" problem here. His tie is way out of proportion with his body. The appeal of ties is that that they elongate the figure. Anything narrow and thin falling from your neck makes the eyes look up and down, versus side to side, creating the illusion of a thinner build. Maybe not every guy’s priority, but no one aims to be a tubby tubster. For me, men in ties make me go weak at the knees. They can transform even the most lackluster XY chromosome bearer into a steamy Clark Kent. Check out this hottie at JCrew.

Yum. The fit, the tie, even the tie clip are oh so debonair! Why kill someone in a too small tie, too big shirt, and deli worker’s apron, when you can look like this! What the hell… I would date you!


The boys of Sleepaway Camp


I've highlighted these fashions in my Sleepaway Camp review- as has Mr. Matthew of Chuck Norris Ate My Baby. But honestly- was wearing these outfits while playing softball really the way to do things? Not to mention tight jean shorts probably were extremely detrimental to sperm count and to a man's dignity. Once again the tight fad needs to be killed. It's not a good look on anybody- I don't care how big your package looks and it's probably not as big as Angela's so just move on.


Nair for Short Shorts
By far my favorite picture of the bunch this week is the men in short shorts! Is there anything better than men in short shorts? It brings me back to a thought that has plagued me for years: what happened to the uniforms in men’s basketball over the years? It used to be acceptable for male athletes to wear the shortest, tightest shorts possible! It amazed me how the family jewels even stayed in them, but who am I to complain? Check out this picture of some Celtics alums---Larry Bird and Kevin McHale.
No one thought they were flaming gay! They were basketball legends, who enjoyed a little air on their upper thighs! But today’s Celtics basically wear culottes!

Which makes me ask the question, who was the guy who decided that short shorts were not for him? And why did everyone continue the trend??? Well basically, in today’s culture, short shorts labels you instantly gay.

So if you are not a gay man, I suggest you go for something a little more on the chinos side. I like this pair from Jcrew. They are a bit more preppy, due to the madras print, but the length of these are fantastic.

Also, I have no words for the man who has EVER worn a cut-off shirt (yes, I’m talking to you AC Slater!). Girls shouldn’t wear bellyshirts. Boys shouldn’t wear belly shirts. End of story. Look how rugged and delicious this male model looks in his navy blue collared shirt, paired with these shorts? Those rolled up sleeves means he’s ready to go canoeing! See, you can wear a full shirt and still be a man!


8 comments:

Rabid Fox said...

Oh, have mercy, please. Tony Todd's fur coat was oddly badass in Candyman. PETA be damned.

Can't argue the short shorts, though. Good lord, I cringe at the thought of that ever being considered a smart fashion move. On Megan Fox, fine, but keep them away from the boys. :)

Andre said...

Haha I know Candyman is badass but I'm sorry to say the coat is still way too big!!

Pax Romano said...

Love it!

Is it wrong that the short shorts on the fellas at Sleepaway Camp made me drool?

Andre said...

Hehehe I had a feeling you would enjoy the short shorts Pax! It's not wrong at all- I mean what does it say about me- when I immediately scroll down to get a look at those legs....

C.L. Hadden said...

Good lord. Those Sleepaway campers are a real hoot!

And yes, Candyman looks like he's hiding a few extra people in that coat...yikes.

And who the heck is that J Crew model? Hubba hubba.

I'm really loving this feature!

Andre said...

Seriously Chris he is HOT and I can't stand it any longer...where do I find him damnit.

Matt-suzaka said...

Maybe the Sleepaway Camp dudes thought they would have a lesser chance of knocking up their girlfriends if they restricted their sperm count? And I think both Andre and Chris are a little confused about just who is hot in this post, it is clearly Ronnie. Look at those thighs!

Anonymous said...

Once again, fashion inspiration! Can a 54-year-old man with a little paunch carry off the Jcrew dark navy button down? Love it.