Digest Quickies: Forget Horror Movies, the Olympics Are Sheer Terror!!

After watching the Olympics all weekend, I have come to some important conclusions. First off they are terrifying, secondly they are dangerous and thirdly where can I score me some of them Armenian opening ceremony pants?! Anyways, I find myself biting my nails when the downhill skiers begin their descent. I find myself looking away when a figure skater goes for that triple toe loop- and I really find myself peeing my pants watching any and all luge competitions. I don't remember the Olympics being so devastating when I was younger...well actually I DID cry when Nancy Kerrigan lost to Oksana BalaI'mawhore so that's a lie--but I honestly can't remember freaking out this much. I only realized today that I hadn't watched a horror movie all weekend and now I know why; the Olympics are the perfect replacement for a horror movie!

Speed Skating

I've always considered speed skating one of the most dangerous sports out there. I can't even skate period- forget SPEED skating. Things don't get much better when before the big match NBC shows you videos where this happens

Look at the blood dripping off that skate!

And this blood on the ice! It was more blood on TV I swear...

Anyways the Olympics really know how to make you even more anxious by showing you videos like this before the race. Every time the skaters get all close to each other I tense up and hope that those instruments of death strapped to their feet don't start slicing up arteries. Although the blood fan in me secretly hopes it will happen...but I can't let anyone know that or they'd just think I was nuts.

Figure Skating

Well so far we've only seen the pairs- and I'm pretty glad they've spaced it out so nicely otherwise I'd be dead with a heart attack. Even though almost all the pairs were pretty awful, I still was freaking out every time they wound up to do a jump. When Scott Hamilton gets all crazy and vocalizes his anxiety- you know it's serious!

I even found myself getting nervous when the Russians were skating

- and I hate the Russians!

Horror movies don't do that. When there are people you hate, you automatically want to see them die. See how the Olympics really turn conventions on their heads? It's inspiring really.

Alpine Skiing

I really really hate walking down really steep hills. So much so that I once stood at the top of a snowy hill for 20 minutes deciding how I could get to class without going down the hill. So when I watch Alpine skiing I mostly just look like this.

It's possibly the most scared I've ever been. That entire hill was pretty much ice- and the speed that they hit combined with the constant threat of completely wiping out and dying? Forget it.

Luge

The obvious tragedy that happened during Nodar Kumaritashvili's training run was still fresh in the minds of anyone who watched the luge competition. So every time an Olympian sat waiting to fling themselves off the starting line

-my heart practically dropped down into my feet. They start off going so slowly- then shoot up to speeds of 90-100 mph ! My car wouldn't even go 100 mph without shaking- can you imagine lying on your back hitting those speeds?!! And don't even get me started on skeleton...

To put it simply- the Olympics? Fucking terrifying.