Fucking Spiders: My Top 10 Worst Spider Scenes

I think I talk too much about my intense fear of sharks and vomit, that I often forget to mention how much I hate spiders. This fear isn't as radical or serious as my sharks one, but it draws similarities. You may remember how I decided that I hate sharks on film more than anything? Well it is quite the opposite when dealing with spiders. I can watch spiders in movies (I don't LIKE it but I can do it) but if ever I see a really big spider in my actual real world life, I will die a little on the inside. This means that I greatly detest anyone who has a pet tarantula in their homes. I have never come across such a person, but just know that I hate you. Well okay fine I don't hate you....I just....well.....our friendship could be greatly soured because of it alright? Just the thought that my next door neighbor could have one and that I would never know and that one day maybe just maybe, it could get loose............................................sorry about the really long ellipsis, I was just contemplating how awful and upsetting that would be.

To clarify, I really am talking only about tarantulas in this instance. I can't even spell or look at that word without getting a serious case of the willies! So much to my dismay, I've decided to make a list of what I would deem the top 10 worst spider scenes in cinematic history. From order of least extensive heart failure to most, here is that list.

Note that this post is scary spider picture free so as not to alarm those of you who detest spiders as much as I do. I have however included videos for the braver folks.

# 10 The Hills Have Eyes

If that whole hill billy clan in the desert thing wasn't enough to make me stay far away from Nevada or any place where there IS a desert---then the presence of tarantulas entirely sealed the deal. Honestly, I never EVER want to go to a place that boasts tarantulas just walking around on their own. Fuck that. The last thing I want to see when getting inside my Winnebago is a stupid tarantula crawling on my clothes. The only good thing about this scene is that the tarantula dies.

Spider alert at 6:07

#9 The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

When I watched Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets I was pleased to find that the Acromantula scene wasn't as terrifying as I had assumed it would be. The spiders while big, weren't as scary and as tarantula looking as I had pictured in my mind. So when settling in for the final installment of Lord of the Rings, and after being alerted by those around me of the impending situation of a giant spider--I felt okay about it. Why I decided to make that conclusion based on Harry Potter is beyond me. Needless to say, when Shelob made her entrance, I was not thrilled. Here was a gigantic and entirely realistic looking spider in my face and it was huge. I did not appreciate that, no not at all.

#8 The Craft

The story about The Craft is that while staying at my friends house one night, the babysitter let us watch The Craft. Aside from the fact that we would soon name it as our favorite movie and think that we were witches---there is one unfortunate moment, when Sarah's house is filled with bugs that the presence of a few very large spiders are seen. At this period in my life I was still very afraid to even look at spiders on film. Thanks to the no warning message I got, I was taken off guard and forced to look at them. I still have problems watching this scene because of it.

Bugs start around 8:50

#7 The Serpent and the Rainbow

This scene where Bill Pullman is given the paralyzing drug and then boarded up in a coffin is already filled with trauma. This is because I think it's pretty rare these days to find someone who is not afraid of being buried alive. This scene however is multiplied two fold by the idea that a tarantula is also dumped on top of Bill Pullman. Keep in mind that he can't move a muscle but is entirely conscious of what is happening around him. I can't even fathom being unable to move or react and getting a spider dumped on me. Really, really mean joke voodoo priest man.

Spider Alert 0:25

#6 Spider Baby

As it so happens, I for some reason figured in my mind that the title Spider Baby was less about the actual presence of spiders and more about the cruel nature of Virginia. I was partially right, because although that is mostly what the film is about--there is still the presence of two very big and ugly tarantulas. I saw it coming of course because Virginia was always talking about two animals and how she wanted to feed things to them. Oh and it IS called Spider Baby. Still in my head I brushed it aside and allowed myself to enjoy the film. Then out of a desk and after what seemed to take hours, two big and horrid black and orange (the WORST kind of tarantula) emerged and began slowly making their way to our bound hero. So very uncool.

Spider Alert 8:30

#5 Home Alone

Yes, yes everyone loves Home Alone and all of its Macaulay Culkin glory but as a small child--I kind of despised it. This is because of Buzz's pet tarantula. This is ranked a bit higher on the list because it does a few things that really sends home the message of what I hate about tarantulas. For one, Buzz has one as a pet. And for two it gets loose. Three---it crawls around and comes out unexpectedly and can be used to put on people's faces. I don't care if Marv deserved to have a spider on his face. No one deserves to have a spider on their face. And I really hate people--like KEVIN who just pick up tarantulas like it's no big deal. It's a big deal. Funnily enough I still kind of get nervous watching this because I always forget the random moments where the spider just walks across the floor---like when Kevin puts on the after shave....grrrrrrr.

#4 The Beyond

As luck would have it, I watched The Beyond the day after I had watched Something Wicked This Way Comes (which is coming up don't worry) and as you can imagine my eyes rolled into the back of my head. I really can't deal with TWO movies that contain scenes in which spiders are everywhere. EVERYWHERE. The Beyond scene is especially difficult to watch because thanks to my nemesis Lucio Fulci, we are forced to watch spiders painfully and slowly eat a man. Yes. Eat a man. This moment loses points because the spiders are extremely fake looking, especially with the close ups. I think I saw a stick one time.

Spider Alert 1:37

#3 Arachnophobia

In reality this whole movie should be on the list and taking up every single spot. When I was little and possibly up until a few years ago, Arachnophobia was on my list of movies that I couldn't watch. That list now only contains JAWS. I once tried watching the beginning with my cousin, and spent the entire opening sequence screaming my head off. Luckily since then I've watched it all the way through and realized what a comedic masterpiece it was. This doesn't mean I don't find the majority of the spider sequences utterly terrifying, but now I can appreciate it and at least kind of enjoy myself.

In terms of which scene wins the spot....it's a bit of a tough call. They all kind of rank equally for me but the one that always stands out is the beginning when the scientists squirt the stunning smoke, and all the bugs rain down. The deep and dull thud that we hear off to the side will always to this day give me the willies. I used to read the Guinness Book of World Records every year until one year when they decided to include a picture of the biggest spider in the world, a bird eating spider whose leg span was 11 inches. Yes. Fuck that. The spider in this movie, the big one at the end, happens to be one of those spiders and I fucking hate it. This beginning scene and the one at the end are definitely something to swear about. A close second is when all the drones take over the house as it makes me itchy and I cry.

#2 Something Wicked This Way Comes

I told you it was coming. Honestly, for a movie primarily geared towards children....what the hell. Spiders happen to be one of those things that the majority of children fear so I was shocked beyond belief that this scene exists. The sheer number of tarantulas in this is ridiculous. And they are everywhere. Think of that scene in The Craft where bugs literally pour out of every hole imaginable and snakes are packed tightly against glass--and then picture it all with spiders. Some extreme moments of terror include when our main character steps on a tarantula and when a tarantula is wrapped around the door knob. After watching this I couldn't stop picturing what it would feel like to step on a tarantula and to this day I get goosebumps thinking about it. This scene is one giant dose of trauma, and I implore anyone who is afraid of spiders to avoid it at all costs. By the way there were 200 live tarantulas used in this scene. Yeah.

There is no video of this. Consider yourself lucky.

#1 Raiders of the Lost Ark

In a music in movies class I took in high school, my teacher related to us a moment of brilliance in Raiders of the Lost Ark. In the beginning, Indiana Jones is in some kind of cave and a spider crawls across his back while strings accentuate the many legs and recreate a crawling sensation. As a fan of Indiana Jones growing up, I couldn't figure out why I did not remember the scene she was talking about. I thought for a moment it was because the spider was so small that I simply missed it. When I went back to watch that scene years later the reason why I didn't remember it became very clear. I had completely blocked that scene from my memory forever. I really could not understand why my teacher never thought to mention that it wasn't A spider that was crawling across his back....it was 500 fucking tarantulas, stuck to his back like a fancy coat.

This scene makes me lose consciousness for a few reasons. To begin with, I can never figure out how that many tarantulas ended up on both of their backs. They did walk through a giant web but since when are tarantulas living in caves and spinning webs that house 500 tarantulas? Clearly the answer is not important, as I'm sure they are utilized just for the purpose of freaking people out. But still....their existence baffles me and makes me feel uneasy. Secondly, the spiders on Indy's back are terrifying, but when the other guy turns around and seems to have twice the amount that he did......oh my god. Pulling this stunt one time is mean enough, but again? AGAIN STEVEN SPIELBERG? Honestly. This man has set a course to ruin my life with his damn movies.

Again, you are lucky.

So that about does it. I think one of the most disheartening things about these moments is that real spiders are almost always used. Apparently most actor's don't have a problem being bathed in tarantulas. I always think back to shows like America's Next Top Model (Cycle 3!) or Fear Factor, where one of the challenges has to do with tarantulas. I'm sad to report that had I been a contestant on a show where tarantulas were involved I would back out immediately. And my partner would kill me. But honestly. There is nothing in the world that would entice me to get in a box and have that box filled with tarantulas. Nothing. Except maybe 3 billion dollars.... or sex with Daniel Craig.