Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Random Creepy Sh*t!

I'm not allowed to swear in my blog titles anymore because my Mom put my blog on her newspaper's website. Sigh, nepotism. Hopefully a swear with an asterisk in the middle will be OK for any people that do not approve of swear words in blog titles. However, when you're dealing with creepy shit, you really just have to throw caution to the wind and deal with it, am I right?

So listen. I like to think I have a fairly high threshold as far as being scared of things goes. Well OK as far as being scared of things in movies. Wait--who am I kidding? I'm afraid of almost everything. I think I just confused the fact that I'm not squeamish about gore with being courageous in real life. Drats! OK OK, starting over.

I am really, really good at seeing something that other people would deem as being 'normal' and then making a fuss about how creepy it is. I can take your average say--piece of lettuce and say WHOA this is scary because whenever I bit into a thick piece of lettuce I imagine a disgusting, toxic, mutant slug monster will be inside of it.



So that's why I'm treating you on this Tuesday to a list of random creepy shit. Shit that is creepier than your average creepy shit. And creepy shit that in turn makes me pee a little in fright and uncomfortable-ness.


Puppet Hands


Fuck puppet hands. I've probably talked about this before but in this current state of our world, I find it necessary to once again hammer home the danger of puppet hands. Puppet hands are gross. Puppet hands are usually small and shiny and resemble human hands. Which is VERY upsetting when said puppet is not a human but a duck or something...... not that I speak from experience or anything..............OK OK once I received a duck marionette as a gift and it had gross shiny mini puppet hands and I was so distraught I threw it in my closet and never looked back. Terrible thing....puppet hands.


Whales


Whoever decided that aquatic mammals with very large mouths were something that you should go on a boat and view, is not my friend. I do not like water and things in the water that decide the moment when you least expect it, is the right moment to pop out and terrify you. Yes, sharks may be my number one water fear, but whales come in a close second. Probably because they are really big, and I get really creeped out when something is bigger than it should be. I think it's a perception thing. I once had a picture book of a girl who went on a fishing boat with her dad and saw a whale. In the illustration the whale tale was like....way too big for a whale to ever have. Which in turn, made the whale into a kind of gigantic sea monster. Except the whole point of the book is 'ohh look at the whales and their majestic life force of happiness and peace'. Fuck. That. Whales can suck it.



Long Fingernails on (Evil) Men





Despite the fact that evil men are usually creepy---I have a really hard time adjusting my creepiness meter when an evil man also has very long, very gross fingernails. It's like getting punched in the stomach and then punched in the face. I should point out that I'm not creeped out by evil women with long fingernails not because I'm sexist but because it's not uncommon for women to have long fingernails. What IS uncommon is for you to buy a box of cereal at the convenience store down the street and to pass the cashier money and then notice his uncommonly long fingernails. Very upsetting. Which therefore caused me to add the (Evil) in parentheses because I've recently decided that all men with long fingernails should be avoided. Lest you end up like this.






Cat Hairballs and the Hairball Wheeze



Cat hairballs are one of the great mysteries of our time. Personally, I think the name should be changed to poop-balls because they look like a piece of poop. The first time it happened, I was dismayed to find that my sweet cat had defied me once more by pooping in my room but then as I cleaned it, I realized it was just a disgusting mass of fur, shaped to mimic a piece of a poop because cats are devious like that.

Almost as frightening, is the noise a cat makes when it's forming the hairball. Not the regurgitating noise mind you...this is the hairball wheeze and it usually happens at least a full day before the hairball ever makes it's appearance. The noise is not all too different from how it would sound if a lost and frightened old man climbed through your bedroom window and then had an asthma attack.

It's not something you want to experience in the middle of the night, when your alone, sad, and vulnerable.


2 comments:

Tom said...

I hadn't thought of the long finger nail thing before. I, being a male, would never have long, gross finger nails unless I was infact evil. Therefore I am thankful that I do not, which must mean I am not evil. Brilliant Blog!

Rob England said...

That's hysterical!