Friday the 13th: Topless Wakeboarding? Now I've Seen Everything.

Well that settles that--I was just not made to enjoy Friday the 13th. I speak of course not only about this lousy remake, but of the original as well. I guess I've just never been wowed by anything the series has to offer. Jason is boring. I've never really understood where all his hype came from other than the fact that he is iconic when speaking of the slasher genre. His whole story and spiel on why he kills people is seriously flawed to me. How is he even alive? What did he do for all those years until he became a grown man?

The fact that I despise Jason Voorhees should have been the first clue that I would not enjoy the remake--because although the original did not feature Jason, the remake sees it fit to give the original killer- Mrs. Voorhees about 1 minute of screen time. When I first saw the previews for this remake I jumped out of my seat in anger at the fact that A. Jason was the killer and B. he was wearing his hockey mask. But then I realized that I hate those movies and sat back down. Needless to say I almost fell asleep while watching the remake but I attribute this to the fact that modern day remakes of 80s slasher movies are pointless and demeaning- and I just really hate Jason Voorhees.

This remake was good in intentions I think--if you are a die hard fan of the Friday the 13th Series. The director, Marus Nispel wanted to take elements he thought the fans would most like to see re done. Which I suppose warrants a nod to the first 4 films in the series. We get the first movie in 1 minute- a burlap sack Jason in the next 23 minutes, and the hockey mask jason for the last bit. Now as someone who hasn't watched any of the sequels since my sophomore year of High School I can't really embellish my thoughts on how the remake lives up to the bits and pieces of those sequels that it nods it's hat to-so, instead I will just tell you what I think plan and simple.

To begin with-the first 23 minutes may have been the most pointless bit of crap I have ever seen. I understand that without that bit, our main hero character- guy from Supernatural- would have no purpose of being there- but did it really have to go on for 23 minutes? There is no need to introduce a full story line and full cast of douche bags for the "first kill". In fact, I was more startled that the title credits rolled after that beginning- instead of the end credits. And then to find after those horrid 23 minutes- that we had to be introduced to even MORE douche bags-gah kill me now.

The rest of the movie is forgettable, boring and has way too much gratuitous sex and boobies. Apparently Michael Bay walked out of the screening because he thought there was way too much sex- which is kind of saying something. I know that slasher movies had largely to do with sex- but since when did modernized versions of 80s slasher movies have to seem like we were watching a horrible soft core porn? I'm sick of these "young" and "average" girls having the fakest boobs I have ever seen- I'm sick of horror movies putting on these peep shows so that teenage boys can whack off in their basement. Sex scenes like that- and failed popstar's wake-boarding topless- are what continues to give horror a bad name. It's insulting and why I find it so difficult to convince people that horror movies don't have to involve the word BOOBS.

Ahem. Anyways. One of the really big problems I have with the character of Jason is that his motives are way off. If his main motive is to finish his mother's work by killing all the camp counselors- why is he just going off killing random people? It just doesn't work for me. Sure I guess he could just have compromised with his mother somewhere- and changed the goal to just be "kill anyone that has sex" or something but not everyone is having sex. With that being said what is the point of even having that opening segment with Mrs. Voorhees if Jason isn't actually carrying out his mother's wishes? It's flawed I tell you! FLAWED!

So what did Friday the 13th do that would have most horror fans pleased? My guess is better kills, better gore, better Jason. But since I hate Jason- I was not pleased. Sure he's less heavy and mindless- but he's still boring as fuck to me. And speaking of fuck why does it seem like the swearing in this movie comes in a close 2nd to The Devil's Rejects? Oh I know because teenagers have to like this movie- so we need excessive swearing, excessive boobs, and excessive douche baggery that involves stupid drinking games and weed.

Bottom line- Friday the 13th is not a good movie. Semi decent remake for those who feel connected to the originals but for everyone else it's just a slow ride to snoozeville. Hilariously awful things to watch out for; the fact that the slut in the beginning is against someone listening to her sex session + becomes a PRUDE when moments before she was topless behind the back of her sex partner's friend and squeezing oil or water or some other liquid over her enormous and fake tatas. Also, not only do we get our token black character- but we get a token asian character as well...BONUS! And finally- do guys seriously consider masterbating in other peopel's living rooms to L.L. Bean catalogues?

I guess it's a sad thought to think that kids years and years from now will look back on this movie as that classic camp slasher movie and laugh at how silly the generation was- sort of how we look back at the generation in 80s slashers and think how awfully cheesy it all was. But basically I just keep coming back to this same question- why are these movies being remade? Remaking a bad, or not as cherished movie fine fine do it and good luck. But what is so wrong with wanting to hold on to a classic bit of slasher history that isn't tainted by fake boobs and douche bags? And if you HAVE to remake it- at least try to do something new and refreshing that doesn't suck (see The Hills Have Eyes and The Last House on the Left for more details) Sigh. I miss the old Mrs. Voorhees... now that woman had gumption.

Buy Friday the 13th at Horror Movie Empire