All the Boys Love Mandy Lane: And the Hype Monster Does Too

A long, long time ago people saw a movie called All the Boys Love Mandy Lane and talked about it a lot. They talked about it so much that people who had not seen it…..wanted to see it. There was only one problem. All the Boys Love Mandy Lane wasn't released! All the other people couldn't see it. They got sad and then mad and then forgot about it. Then on a magical day in 2013,  All the Boys Love Mandy Lane was released and people bought it and watched it. Then on an even more magical day, it was released on Netflix Instant Watch. And then we all joined hands and sung and danced and watched the movie. Here's what happened next.

It was OK.

Fact is, All the Boys Love Mandy Lane is a pretty good movie. But I don't think it's anything to write home about. Such is the wrath of the hype monster. Maybe it's because it took so long to be properly released? Maybe the modern-take on the classic Slasher formula thing got overplayed in the time between when the film first came out and when the majority of the public actually saw it. That's sad. That means that all the other sucky movies that could get released took all the glory. Ah the injustice.

The film is set-up as classic Slasher movies usually are. Teens in a secluded ranch house get picked off one by one. The modern twist is that the killer is revealed/obvious fairly early on. And our 'final girl' has something so mysterious about her that we still can't figure it out by the time the credits roll. The twist in the ending is a little predictable although the film does try to do something a bit different with it, which is nice. The ultimate question though is---WHY do all the boys love Mandy Lane so much?

Admittedly there is something tantalizing about Mandy Lane. I think it's because she's so aloof all the time. She don't give a crap about how all the boys like her that's for sure. Plus, she has some weird dark past, and she lives with her Aunt and is really good at running. Her main attraction though really is her unattainableness. At the film's beginning a meathead jumps off the roof of a house into a pool right before shouting his love for Mandy Lane. Then whoops he dies.

So there we have the key factor. All the boys love Mandy Lane so much that they die trying to get her. Makes sense. I guess.

What doesn't really make sense is the motive behind the killings.

I'm still scratching my head. I'm also still scratching my head about the timeline of events. There's something to be said for things intentionally being left vague, but so much of this just feels way too vague and possibly unintentional. I just couldn't help but feel that the movie was missing a solid 20 minutes or so of….I don't know explanation? Flashbacks? I still just don't understand key elements which is bothersome. Why this group of people? Why Mandy Lane? What happened to her parents? Why is it good she make new friends? What happened to her old friends? Has this happened before? Is she secretly a lesbian? Is the movie a commentary on the social stigma of being gay in high school?

Why won't anyone tell me anything?!! DID the movie tell me this but I somehow missed it because I busy trying to make sure my cat didn't shit on the rug again?

Anyways. If you put aside all that confusion and annoyance, the movie is still just OK. The first kill is fun but the rest are mostly just shotgun parties. And what fun is that? I think unfortunately the reveal of the killer so early on kind of ruined the real fun and satisfaction that the movie could have attained if it stuck with the classic slasher motif. But it's desire to split into this new modern trickery-spin thing…kind of derailed all that satisfaction.

Oh Mandy. I just don't know about you. I'm not even sure if I liked you or not. But I want to. Someone help me. Someone who saw this long ago and sung its praises tell me why, help me understand. I want to join the circle of laughter and fun. But I'm stuck outside moping.

Slumber Party Massacre: Oh How Times Have Changed

Slumber Party Massacre holds the great honor of being one of the VHS covers at the video store that scared the living crap out of me.

Not only did it show a madman about to kill some girls with what I assumed at the time was a telephone wire but it also made me nervous about what slumber parties would be like when I got to high school. Somehow, the idea of spending the night with fellow girls clad in lacy and sexy bras and underwear, plus also maybe forming a pig pile of terror didn't appeal to me. I think I was still afraid of naked people (which is a fear I was relieved from after I started going to the gym last month) (Side note: I'm still afraid of older women who walk up to me naked and ask me if I'm using the lotion....eeeeeek).

Ultimately Slumber Party Massacre challenged my happy thoughts about sleepovers. Seeing this VHS cover back in the days of elementary and middle school, firmly made me question the importance of such future rituals. Basically if slumber parties in high school did not include falling asleep while leaving the N'Sync CD on repeat and chocolate milk in sippy cups--I wanted no part. If only I knew then what I know now, I would realize that Slumber Party Massacre is just a movie!

By the way, Slumber Party Massacre is exactly what it sounds like. A massacre at a slumber party! An escaped mad man is on the loose and he just happens to hit the jackpot by finagling his way into a house where a slumber party is happening. Bloodiness and boobies ensue.

Although made in 1982, the slumber party in Slumber Party Massacre is I'm assuming wildly different from anyone's idea of a slumber party that is not a 55 year old male living in their mother's basement. Then again, if Slumber Party Massacre tells us anything, it's that the world was vastly different in good old 1982. For instance, who knew that in 1982, Kool-aid wasn't sweet enough on it's own? Clearly it had to be made sweeter by pouring in a bag of pure sugar!

(Side note: IS that how you make Kool-aid? By adding the powder to water AND then mixing sugar in? Nobody tells me anything important anymore...hmmph!)

Due to this evidence I am drawing the conclusion that slumber parties in 1982 were exactly like they were Slumber Party Massacre and not only that but LIFE is exactly the same as well.

This means that towels at the high school were about half the size they are now.

And the showers resemble prison showers. Also, the high school is probably an old abandoned prison that does not get money fed to it by taxpayers based on the fact that all the walls are decorated in gang graffiti unable to be removed. I guess going to high school in 1982 was not a very fun time--which is why girls needed to have slumber parties.

I'll be honest with you. There's something I find incredibly endearing about Slumber Party Massacre. I think it's because I expected it to be a worthless piece of garbage with tons of boobs and a tiny bit of blood. But no, Slumber Party Massacre is actually a fun piece of garbage with tons of boobs and a fair amount of blood. I was way off!

I was actually surprised at how brutal much of the film is. There isn't a whole lot of lolly gagging throughout this. Sure there are cats jumping out of closets but there are also some fairly sad and unnerving death scenes. Take for instance the early on kill of a telephone repair woman. Our dopey male character hits on the woman who smiles to herself as they walk away. Then she is unceremoniously pulled into her OWN telephone repair van and we see her flailing arms and hopeless poundings on the window, trying to alert the clueless boys now walking away.

It's one of those scenes that would definitely have scarred me for life, had I seen it when I was younger.

Also, the man man's weapon of choice--a cork screw drill is unexpected and very bad ass. Plus it's loud which makes his ability to kill people in the garage without causing alarm very impressive. Although we never get to see actual blood and guts due to the corkscrew drill, we do often get to see the aftermath which is in many ways something that I prefer.

For some reason it's something that affects me more than blood and guts all up in your face. Maybe because it lessen the silly entertainment factor that many people receive from watching blood and guts all up in their face?

Fun fact! Slumber Party Massacre was written and directed by women! I had to go back and edit a bit of this review because originally I was all like pffft yeah whose fantasy of a slumber party is this---MALE FILMMAKERS. Whoops. Upon further reflection though, if this was made by men I have a feeling the slumber party would include some experimental lesbian sex, booby grabbing and silly talk about the male anatomy that no girl would ever actually say. Then again...I'm still confused about the edition of a Playgirl magazine being used as some form of tantalizing print material. I'm pretty sure Playgirl ultimately failed as magazine because no one wants to look at some guys junk. Or maybe I'm alone because secretly, I still fear naked people!

Anyways, Slumber Party Massacre surprised me in more than one way. It showed restraint while still being a tad bit unnerving. It created seemingly likable female characters and threw in creepy next door neighbors to boot. It's entertaining for what it is, and it's a refreshing take on the slasher genre that doesn't leave me with feelings of bitterness and hostility (COUGH Friday the 13th). Hooray!

New Years Evil: You Figuratively Castrated Me!

Just so you know, I do plan at some point to start watching good movies again. Not that New Years Evil isn't good but....alright just kidding as far as bad movies go it's the cat's pajamas. Nevertheless a really REALLY good movie is coming in the mail tomorrow (at least everyone tells me it's really, REALLY good), so be prepared. New Years Evil..... New Years Eeeeeeevil.

(I haven't heard a Dr. Evil joke or impression in about 10 years so I decided I was safe).

An interesting bit of film that combines mass confusion with pink eyebrows

and...weirdness. There was a point about an hour and 10 minutes into this where I suddenly looked around me and actually asked GOD out loud just what the hell was going on here.

One minute I'm laughing at all the kooky punk rockers and having a jolly good sip of my tea, and the next I'm wondering how it is humanely possible to be suspended in an elevator shaft, ride 10 floors up AND down and live to tell the tale. Also, somewhere along the line somebody figuratively castrated someone and they turned into a loony. Don't worry I'll explain later. Or will I?

New Years Evil takes place on New Years Eve. During some high profile punk rock-ish show with a high profile punk rock DJ, a mysterious caller calls foreshadowing some very gruesome deaths. Deaths that will take place when every time zone in the US strikes midnight until the last one--in L.A., where our punk rock lady will die.

Unlike most generic slashers, New Years Evil does something pretty original here. It lets us get very close and form a suggestive relationship with the killer. I say suggestive because I'm about 85% sure that we are supposed to have a crush on him and then shortly after, reproduce--but one can never be sure these days. It's such a radical concept to me. Usually the killer's identity IS the big deal about a silly slasher movie. It's one of the main reasons that people stick around throughout all the boring. Here however we know who he is. We may not know how he is connected---although it's not very difficult to figure it out. We get to follow him throughout all his escapades, his costume changes and we kind of like it. Well at least I did. Although really how can you not love a guy that brings champagne to his first night on the *job.

***it wasn't technically his job because he was pretending to work there so that he could kill a skanky nurse. Which by the way--I'm beginning to think that women really got gyped in the whole sexy nurse thing. First take away our sexy nurse uniforms and little hats and THEN take away our sex appeal by making us wear ugly, frumpy scrubs? Thanks a lot. NOT! Just kidding, I'm not a nurse, nor do I condone the practicality of wearing sexy nurse uniforms in a public health setting. Where was I? Oh right right. Our killer--brings a bottle of champagne (hey it's new years!) to his first fake night on the job. One sip of champagne however quickly turns to this.

And then this.

Dude works faster than Tom Atkins! And me and Roz Kelly do not approve.

Aren't patients lives at stake here? Have some respect!

I think I appreciate this aspect of New Years Evil very much. It's not really hiding anything from us. We know very well what he is planning to do, and who he is planning to kill. He's a mysterious feller sure but honestly while thinking about this very subject, I've decided that even if we didn't find out how he was connected in the grand scheme of things--the film would still work. Heck--and I may be bold in saying this, but it might have even worked better.

The whole giving the killer a real, honest to goodness character is an increasing trend. These days it survives in things like Dexter and the Talented Mr. Ripley--but way back when, it came to be established from films like Peeping Tom and even Cat People. I love films that put us on this strange almost sympathetic level with our killer. It's intimate and a refreshing viewpoint into what was once an old and tired scenario. How much longer can I really watch a bunch of losers unsuccessfully out run a maniac? Not long. And that's why I greatly appreciate the vantage point New Years Evil takes.

Now before I get all high and mighty on New Years Evil, I should remind you all that it's not a very good movie. Like I said earlier when I was shouting out loud things to God, the whole story seems to crumble towards the end there. There's some dodgy explanation about castrating and blah blah blah you stole my manhood blah blah blah and my sons! and blah blah blah I'm gonna tie you to an elevator shaft bitch! But don't worry because you'll survive and then I'll put on a spooky mask blah blah.

Oh right SPOILER. Too late? Sure there are funny bits; silly music, violent punk music fans, drunk women, suffocation by giant bag of marijuana,

death by slash in the teat (my favorite)--

the list goes on and on. Oh and don't forget the master of disguise himself....

Isn't it lovely? The best part is, he really does not need to put so much effort in. These people do not know him and call me crazy but the mustache does nothing to make you seem more powerful mister. Oh wait, I think what I meant to say is that the mustache is EVERYTHING. Sorry for the confusion (We don't need to bring up what happened to the Brawny man do we?).

I like the overall concept of New Years Evil, a death in every time zone? Neat! Only, our killer kind of messes up at one point and the mountain time zone gets shafted, but that one doesn't count anyways. Sure, things get muddled, things can be boring but I still believe there's at least a little bit of merit still thriving in New Years Evil. But seriously, what was up with that kid?

He's popping pills, putting stockings on his head,

licking his dad's ear?

Yeah I guess that's okay....

Friday the 13th Part III: You Stink

Friday the 13th Part III is not a very good movie. It's not like I expect any of the F13's to be cinematic masterpieces, but somehow Part 3 falls way below my threshold for bad movies. I've been doing some thinking and I'm pretty sure it's because Jason's new clothes hold him back from being very scary. Sometimes he looks like he's trying really hard not to rip his brand new button up and that just ain't right.

Part three picks up immediately after the events of part two. In case you forgot what happened at the end of the 2nd film, don't worry. We get to live through it all again! Since F13 does this, I am pleased to announce the first five minutes of any F13 movie (except the first) can be used to read a book or pet my cat. Woohoo! So yeah, blah blah stuff happened. Now Jason has taken refuge in a nearby lake house abode, inhabited by some rowdy kids who want to have sex and smoke pot.

Jason is apparently "nursing" his wounds in the barn but the real question remains--when did he find the time to get a hair cut?

Plus he grew again! How strange. Actually, I have many questions surrounding the events of Part three but this is really the one that will keep me up at night. I keep envisioning Jason worrying that the police will identify him because of his hair so he does what any normal person would do and shaves it. Of course the real problem is that his only true identifying feature is his grotesque and deformed face which oddly enough he does nothing about. He's so interesting that Jason!

The gang of rowdy kids in this installment is unusual too. There's a fat, ugly guy named Shelly who somehow gets hooked up with a wildly attractive woman.

There's a pair of stoners that I completely forgot existed until halfway through the movie. Then there's also this gang of bikers who have a short temper.

One may ask--what is that trio doing around the area known as Camp Crystal Lake? They don't seem like the outdoors type. Yes, Friday the 13th is full of unusual questions and scenarios. So much so, that I can't even concentrate on writing a real review unless I talk about them.

---How exactly does one survive an attack by Jason and still live? Technically, Jason follows the rule of perusing someone until they are dead. Why didn't he follow Chris back to her parents house and then kill them all?

---If you need proof that Jason is a serial killer, look no further than the simple fact that he kills animals. That's the number one warning sign according to everyone that has ever talked about serial killers. Those poor bunnies, did they really deserve that?

---Why is the fact that ugly fat guy Shelly and hot woman return from the store with a damaged VW bug never discussed? Unless I missed it--there was no discussion of what happened to them or Rick's car. I would be a little peeved if someone borrowed my car, only to get in a tiff with the only biker gang in a 100 mile radius and have them break all the windows. Instead, Rick is more concerned about not having charged the battery enough.

---Is being allergic to pot a real thing?

---What exactly is going on with Ali? The first time Jason got him he just started hacking away at something. Then at the end, Chris is "rescued" by Ali who jumps up apparently undisturbed until Jason hacks off his arm and then hacks away at the rest of him.

So if nothing was hacked away the first time, what the hell was Jason hacking away at?! I'm so confused!

---STOP FALLING ASLEEP IN CANOES. This is never a good thing, especially since one who falls asleep in canoes is prone to hallucinating once they wake up.

--- Mrs. Voorhees? Really?

This little added snippet at the end was an insult to just about everyone in the world. I find it very hard to believe that the wandering body of Mrs. Voorhees, found her head that was safely resting in Jason's love shack, sewed it back onto her head and then picked her sweater off the floor of the love shack and put it back on. Then she what, went for a dip in the lake so she could have her chance at thrills again? No sense! No sense! It's insulting because, Chris has no idea who Mrs. Voorhees is and we know that that is really not possible. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

So as you can see, I was pretty much annoyed throughout the better part of part three. Again, I don't expect brilliance from any of the F13 films, but at least Part two was actually entertaining (mostly because a guy in a wheelchair was killed and rolled down the stairs). Part three is awful. The acting and the writing are about 20 points lower than most awful movies and to top it all off, it is one of the most boring films I've ever experienced.

There are about 100 fake outs that are responsible for more jolting than the actual kills and that to me is a problem. I don't care if fat guy Shelly is a prankster, nor do I care about Rick and Chris' "past" and I definitely don't care about how you have sex in a hammock.

Lucky for part three, the kills are pretty entertaining. Especially that time Andy was walking on his hands and got "split"

and that other time sexy woman got a spear gun in her eye.

Nice shout out to Tom Savini in Fangoria that the hammock woman reads--

and big ups to Crazy Ralph who is hopefully still resting in peace. Lucky for these kids, there is still another crazy vagrant ready to warn people about their upcoming dangers. This man however is nowhere near as smart and old hollywood as Ralph. He doesn't ride a bike, and he sleeps in the middle of the road. He also has a random eyeball that he likes to hold. It's kind of weird.

Yeah bad moves Part three, I don't like you! I did sort of like when Jason was in the window--

but I mean....too little too late I'm afraid.

Friday the 13th Part Two: 20 Questions

There is way too much confusion going on in Friday the 13th Part Two. No, I'm not talking about how Jason was able to age so rapidly (that's pretty obvious) (It was clearly a magical mushroom potion made and collected on the 4th full moon of the year) (and also Alice never really saw Jason emerge from the pond) No, the confusion is everywhere else. Why are there so many characters in this? Why does that girl think a sexy alternative to her black underwear is a poop brown color? Who was that OTHER dog wearing a ribbon? Why does that girl not have any regular sized articles of clothing? Who peed under the bed the rat, or the girl? Why don't I know anyone's name in this? Where are the happening after parties? Shouldn't Jason's hair be longer? How can he see out of one eye hole? Who puts on a gross, moldy sweater? WHERE IS EVERYONE ELSE??

Phew. That was a lot of questioning, and I have way more but I'll spare you. I'll be honest I'm not sure why I felt like watching this. We've already established that I'm not crazy about Friday the 13th, yet here I am. Don't be shocked but, Friday the 13th Part Two is kind of an improvement for me over the bland and the boring of the first film. Not a huge improvement mind you, but now that we know who the killer is, and because people get killed faster, things got a little better for me. It is of course in my mind still just a sub par slasher movie. Nothing is terribly entertaining (except maybe that guy in a wheelchair falling down the stairs) and no kills are that great. It's mostly just kind of ehhhh. Which means of course that it's an obvious relation to the Friday the 13th series as a whole.

This film also reminds me how much I hate when they bring a character back only to kill them off mere minutes into the film. I don't like the idea of suffering along with someone for an entire movie, seeing them live, going to sleep, and then seeing them bite it in the lamest of ways in the next film. Did Alice's victorious final girl fight mean nothing? As if that wasn't bad enough Friday the 13th also has to take away crazy Ralph from me?? Speaking of crazy Ralph, isn't this screen grab oddly mystical?

It looks like a still straight out of some moody film noir type deal. Right? It freaked me out too.

Anywho, for all of its mediocrity, F13 Part two has some brief moments of entertainment. Albeit mostly unintentional moments. I admit I found solace in this pair of skin tight booty denim shorts, paired effortlessly with a cropped Mickey Mouse t-shirt.

This lass obviously has a thing for articles of clothing that do not fit properly. I know it was the 80s but come on, everyone else seemed to be able to find a practical pair of pants to wear. Things really only get better when this same woman goes skinny dipping, flips out when some perv steals her clothing--puts her shirt back on which happens to be another cropped tee. I mean, you might as well leave it off sweetie.

I also loved seeing Jason's majestic house. It's kind of an odd situation though. How long have the police been patrolling that area? And they never found his little shack in the woods? P.S. nice shack Jason.

That thing rules. It looks like it could fall apart with one gentle breeze. And we KNOW it falls apart when two grown men decide to fight inside of it. But hey, at least he has a toilet?

And then there is burlap sack Jason, which for many people is the best kind of Jason there is. I think I will have to agree with this.

He made it work. Although I have always questioned the impossibility of killers donning masks and being able to run and see people and kill them. One time I put on a mask and I ran around my yard. I could barely get 2 steps without feeling like I was about to fall off the side of a really big hill. Note: there are no really big hills in my yard, but masks do things to you... And this was a regular mask not a burlap sack with one eye hole. So my question is---how in the hell does he chase people around in the woods at night? Biggest plot hole in my opinion...

So where does this leave me? I still think Jason is a complete oaf, that offers up no real entertainment value. I'm sorry but there's not a whole lot of suspense in someone walking around and always just dispatching people so easily. I like a mindless slasher now and again but F13 just feels SO mindless sometimes. Again, I mostly blame Jason because that guy in the wheelchair was just the right amount of spice I needed.

I will say however that the ending scare was pretty good. I mean it got me a little bit even though I had watched that particular scene before. I can't help it if I was so perplexed by Muffin's arrival and that there was another dog with a ribbon in its hair somewhere out there--that I didn't notice the "Jason is going to jump up somewhere" music. He really is a nasty beasty huh? Why did he remove his sack? And is it just me or are these two completely different masks? One has more hair than the other...

OH and I just remembered something. People are constantly talking about how Jason is more powerful than Michael Myers because he seems more "inhuman" but what exactly about Jason sets him apart from Michael? I think people have a misconception that Jason did drown in that lake--when that may not be the case at all. I was under the impression that because they never found his body, Jason somehow was OK, and has lived in the woods his whole life. Only taking action against teenagers once he saw his mother's head get sliced off. That being said--there is NOTHING that sets Michael and Jason apart except the fact that Michael is probably better looking and has probably showered more who knows. So try that on for size Jason defenders. They both have gotten "killed" and then actually lived. They are mostly just vehicles for mediocre slasher movies to keep pumping out sequels. Call it inhuman if you want but I'll call it laziness.

And for anyone that thinks getting a machete stuck into your arm is a big deal, obviously you haven't lived properly.