So listen. I like to think I have a fairly high threshold as far as being scared of things goes. Well OK as far as being scared of things in movies. Wait--who am I kidding? I'm afraid of almost everything. I think I just confused the fact that I'm not squeamish about gore with being courageous in real life. Drats! OK OK, starting over.
I am really, really good at seeing something that other people would deem as being 'normal' and then making a fuss about how creepy it is. I can take your average say--piece of lettuce and say WHOA this is scary because whenever I bit into a thick piece of lettuce I imagine a disgusting, toxic, mutant slug monster will be inside of it.
So that's why I'm treating you on this Tuesday to a list of random creepy shit. Shit that is creepier than your average creepy shit. And creepy shit that in turn makes me pee a little in fright and uncomfortable-ness.
Puppet Hands
Fuck puppet hands. I've probably talked about this before but in this current state of our world, I find it necessary to once again hammer home the danger of puppet hands. Puppet hands are gross. Puppet hands are usually small and shiny and resemble human hands. Which is VERY upsetting when said puppet is not a human but a duck or something...... not that I speak from experience or anything..............OK OK once I received a duck marionette as a gift and it had gross shiny mini puppet hands and I was so distraught I threw it in my closet and never looked back. Terrible thing....puppet hands.
Whales
Whoever decided that aquatic mammals with very large mouths were something that you should go on a boat and view, is not my friend. I do not like water and things in the water that decide the moment when you least expect it, is the right moment to pop out and terrify you. Yes, sharks may be my number one water fear, but whales come in a close second. Probably because they are really big, and I get really creeped out when something is bigger than it should be. I think it's a perception thing. I once had a picture book of a girl who went on a fishing boat with her dad and saw a whale. In the illustration the whale tale was like....way too big for a whale to ever have. Which in turn, made the whale into a kind of gigantic sea monster. Except the whole point of the book is 'ohh look at the whales and their majestic life force of happiness and peace'. Fuck. That. Whales can suck it.
Long Fingernails on (Evil) Men
Despite the fact that evil men are usually creepy---I have a really hard time adjusting my creepiness meter when an evil man also has very long, very gross fingernails. It's like getting punched in the stomach and then punched in the face. I should point out that I'm not creeped out by evil women with long fingernails not because I'm sexist but because it's not uncommon for women to have long fingernails. What IS uncommon is for you to buy a box of cereal at the convenience store down the street and to pass the cashier money and then notice his uncommonly long fingernails. Very upsetting. Which therefore caused me to add the (Evil) in parentheses because I've recently decided that all men with long fingernails should be avoided. Lest you end up like this.
Cat Hairballs and the Hairball Wheeze
Cat hairballs are one of the great mysteries of our time. Personally, I think the name should be changed to poop-balls because they look like a piece of poop. The first time it happened, I was dismayed to find that my sweet cat had defied me once more by pooping in my room but then as I cleaned it, I realized it was just a disgusting mass of fur, shaped to mimic a piece of a poop because cats are devious like that.
Almost as frightening, is the noise a cat makes when it's forming the hairball. Not the regurgitating noise mind you...this is the hairball wheeze and it usually happens at least a full day before the hairball ever makes it's appearance. The noise is not all too different from how it would sound if a lost and frightened old man climbed through your bedroom window and then had an asthma attack.
It's not something you want to experience in the middle of the night, when your alone, sad, and vulnerable.
I had a bad habit when I was younger of putting myself in the position of the peril our main characters were in- so you'll probably see a trend with why I am naming these moments some of the scarier of the bunch. The Sarlaac was no exception to this rule and I always found myself in anxiety heaven thinking about what it would be like to be slowly digested for over a thousand years. I'm not sure what that would feel like but I always felt really bad for all those random guys that fell in during the struggle. I sort of felt bad for the Sarlaac too--hopefully someone tossed in some laxatives or something to help him out.
I won't lie, I was terrified of this scene as a young one. Due to my unfortunate ability to put myself in Luke's position, I couldn't help but think that I would be much less successful than someone with actual Jedi abilities. I would probably end up like that slutty dancer/concubine--who would be hot if it wasn't for her large head strand things oh and if she wasn't green (or blue depending on how your TV perceived the colors). Actually I take that back, I wouldn't just stand there and scream until the thing ate me. But for real--this dude looked scary. And how bad did you feel for the pig guard that fell in by accident? The sound of his pig bones being crushed always made me wince. Seriously, never stand on or near that trap door. Oh and side note, I also used to feel a little bad for the Rancor when he made that sad puppy noise after getting the door slammed on his head. Poor scary beastie.
First off I didn't know the abominable snowman was called a "wampa". Second of all I usually ducked out of the room at this scene because the sight of his arm being cut off was pretty bloody and I was....little and stuff. This scene is sometimes too stressful for me to handle. Apparently the force doesn't work as well when your legs are frozen to the ceiling of the wampa's cave and all the blood flows straight to your head. Who knew? Good thing Luke pulls through--again!
This part freaked me out for a number of reasons. For one it was a dark and damp cave like atmosphere which usually equals pleasantness. Also, there were big snakes PLUS Darth Vader comes out of nowhere and FINALLY Luke cuts off his head to reveal---Luke's head! The sight of that head was frickin' scary to me the first time I saw it. And also, I had no idea what that meant till I was like 15 years old. Up until then I just assumed that Luke was just a manifestation of Vader's good side and that Luke never existed in the first place... I was way off! (I'm kidding yo) But seriously, I had no idea what that meant and made Emmy Doomas explain it to me, several times.
I promised myself never to bring up films 1-3 but I'm making a special case for my fear of the water and the beasties that reside in it. This part had me shaking in my boots in the movie theater. Talk about one beastie after another- and they kept getting bigger and bigger. I hate things in the water- I do, so sue me. I can't help it if you don't agree with me on this selection, but just know that I HATED it and almost cried.
The first time that I realized Luke was about to take off Vader's helmet I almost screamed. I had no interest in finding out what that guy looked like underneath his helmet. Good thing he only looked like Humpty Dumpty. Apparently really severe burns do heal over time. Thank god. But can you imagine the smell? Although we do know he airs it out now and again-
This pretty much goes without saying--but I can honestly not think of anything more terrifying than having sex with Jabba the Hut.
I guess it could have been worse. After all, finding yourself in an unknown body cavity that is moist and making rumbling sounds, seems like really bad news to me. Thank goodness it was just some weird asteroid worm's mouth. But those little things with the wings? Yikes. Didn't see that one coming. And once again the closing of the mouth and praying that they get out in time is still anxiety provoking even today.
