Slugs: I Guess No One Will Be Getting Naked and Crazy Now...

Unbeknownst to myself, Slugs is helmed by the same magical director of Pieces, Juan Piquer Simon. A man who knows how to make a terrible, god awful film that is so god awful, it magically turns into a good film because of it. While Pieces was a pretty terrible film, Slugs is even worse! I'm still confused about whether or not this makes Slugs a better worse film than Pieces, therefore making it a better film by default. A....divided by C minus B times the square root of awesome..... right well, I'm stumped.

So here's the deal. Toxic waste produced man eating slugs. These man eating slugs start taking over a whole little town. Mike Brady is trying to stop it. No one believes Mike Brady. Except some people. They kill the slugs with lithium. People say funny things. PS. It's Halloween. (?)

The whole movie is kind of like that summary. Short sentences compiled together that sort of relate to one another. There are possibly over 56 characters in this film, that all at some point interact with one another, but it means nothing. There could be so many interesting side plots that just didn't develop and it's a damn shame because I really wanted to know why that alcoholic slut didn't eat any of the slug lettuce, or why the mayor changes secretaries so frequently. I guess I'll never know. Also....wait a minute....it's Halloween!? I LOVED when someone suddenly was like, "Oh yeah I'm going to a Halloween party tonight" in the last half hour of the film. Good job building up the Halloween atmosphere. Also...worst Halloween party ever.

Hmmm perhaps this was an attempt to make Slugs a little more creepy. Or maybe at the last minute they realized...crap this is a horror movie and all good horror movies take place on Halloween!! That must be it! They discovered the formula. Thank goodness, a well placed Jack-O-Lantern is all you need to make Halloween look convincing.

Let's be honest. Slugs is hysterical. I'm pretty sure you could make an entire film based off the hilariousness of the quotes in this movie. Here is the general way quotes work in this film.

Guy 1: How was your day?

Girl 1: Okay. Let's have sex.

Guy 1: Okay. BUT WAIT there are man eating slugs in this town.

Girl 1: But how?

Guy 1: I don't know.

Girl 1: Oh.

Guy 1: What do you want for dinner?

Girl 2: Greg died today!

Guy 2: Oh my God that's horrible! He was my best friend.

Girl 2: He burned alive.

Guy 2: Oh God! How did it happen?

Girl 2: I don't know.

Guy 2: Oh.

Girl 2: So what did you do today?

Guy 2: Ohh nothing, did some errands, hung out with Greg.

Girl 2: Oh that's nice.

Guy 2: Yeah that was before he died.

Girl 2: Oh. Let's have sex.

Pure poetry. To top it all off, the slugs have sharp and pointy teeth! Which are very useful by the way, when biting wax fingers.

I guess Slugs fits into that category, of killer animal movies where the animals aren't very threatening. Frogs also fits into that category (which I can't wait to see by the way). When the slugs attack someone, it really just looks like they are being overcome by some leeches. I have a pretty hard time coming to terms with the fact that a slug is doing this to someones body.

Or that slugs are capable of pulling someone beneath the water and cause their blood to bubble out.

Well, I guess these are toxic waste slugs so the rules don't apply. But come on people, how fast can a slug really move?

Although the idea of killer slugs is pretty funny, the gore in this film is excruciatingly nasty. Peoples eyes being pulled out, hands being severe, slug gloves, slugs in the stomach, slugs everywhere! And blood, blood, blood mixed with slug slime.

Yuck. Word to the wise--do not attempt to watch slugs while eating honey.

So in any case, Slugs is perhaps one of the most entertaining things I have seen in a while. Bad haircuts,

bad outfits, douche bag kids thinking that a really great prank is to rape someone--this film has it all. God bless you Slugs.

Two Thousand Maniacs!: In Regular Clothes!

Once upon a time, I stumbled across a movie that I thought would be terrible. I still thought it was terrible when I decided to show it to a friend of mine the very next day. Halfway through that second viewing however, I realized that I didn't think it was terrible--I just secretly loved it. That movie was 2001 Maniacs. Typically I hate movies with a lot of boobs, and a lot of really pointless really ridiculous gore but 2001 Maniacs really struck a chord with me. Sure I wasn't crazy about those extended length soft core porn scenes, or that fact that these old time civil war people were wearing clothes from Hot Topic, but I still rather enjoyed this here flick.

Fast forward to yesterday when I watched Herschell Gordon Lewis' original Two Thousand Maniacs. I'm not sure why, but when I read the description for this film way back when I started up my Netflix account, I thought it would be in black and white, and boring--a far cry from the likes of the campy, splatter gore fest in the more recent remake. Not that I had problem with that of course but that is simply what I envisioned. Well, boy was I wrong! Once I realized that Herschell Gordon Lewis was responsible (a name I can now recognize after almost a full year of watching nothing but horror movies) I greedily got my screenshot taker ready and sat back to indulge in some campy, B-movie "splatter fest" action. It was after this viewing of the original creation that I started to understand why I liked 2001 Maniacs so much--but we'll get to that later.

Two Thousand Maniacs has basically the same plot outline as its remake. Yankee tourists, stumble across a detour in the road leading them to a truly wacky town called Pleasant Valley population: 2000. Here they are told they are guests of honor in the town's centennial celebration and are beckoned off to a few free rooms in the hotel. Before long, we realize that the citizens of Pleasant Valley are a little too hicky for their own good and one by one kill the Yankees in ludicrous (and awesome) ways.

What's great about Two Thousand Maniacs, is that it really doesn't hold back in the slightest. Blood, guts, entrails, you name it, it's here. Each death was brilliantly laid out and executed in such a way that I got excited about what was going to happen. This is perhaps the key to loving both Two Thousand Maniacs and 2001 Maniacs. It's a strange phenomenon; on the one hand you find that you are kind of nervous and appalled at how things will turn out for these characters and on the other hand you find a little voice inside of you, rooting for the death just as loudly as the Southerners are. Does that make us horrible people? No! It means we can appreciate the fine art of a truly campy splatter movie.

When that first blood is spilt I was actually pretty stunned at what was being shown. And even though when that same woman's arm is hacked off with the axe and it looks like a mannequins arm, I was still amazed.

Granted, she did seem to die as soon as her arm was chopped off, which is....unexpected but still, quite a way to start the deaths off I think. After that, the outrageousness only seems to grow and the attitudes of the citizens really get more and more excited. The deaths turn into what feel like carnival games and their hootin' n' hollerin' really proves that they are in fact maniacs.

This leads me to my newly realized notion that 2001 Maniacs is one of the better remakes out there. That isn't to say that Two Thousand Maniacs wasn't a good movie to begin with. On the contrary, Two Thousand Maniacs is a GREAT movie and 2001 Maniacs takes what's great about it, and turns it into something equally entertaining and fun to watch. The creative deaths are used but improved upon. Certainly the famous horse racing scene couldn't be taken to its full potential back in 1964, but in 2005, it was turned up to the max. In fact, 2001 Maniacs changes very little about the original film, sure it makes the citizens a little more animated, adds some lesbian scenes, and throws in Robert Englund--but all of those are just adjustments, added seasoning if you will, to what was already a great dish.

What I did like a little more about Two Thousand Maniacs however, was that citizens seemed to be more like regular people. This makes the premise a bit more frightening. Sure, if demon/ ghost Southerners makes the idea of the events ever happening to yourself more impossible the movie becomes more of an entertainment experience and less of a full blown fear inducing experience. But if they appear to just be some crazy hicks however, then fear and entertainment are more prevalent as one. And while yes, the same conclusion can be made from both movies--the original still plays on the idea that the more regular looking these folks are the more terrifying the truth is.

Also, as gore and special effects restricting as 1964 may have been, the movie does some pretty incredible things. For example, my favorite death- the barrel roll scene,

where nails are shown being hammered in,

the barrel rolled and then nails shown but this time with red paint--

the aftermath proves to be extremely effective.

Then there is the wonderful dunk tank like scene of the rock crushing our poor crying girls body,

which uses the weak arms and poor aim of the citizens to simultaneously produce anxiety and eagerness within the viewer.

I'm not sure what else there is to say about Two Thousand Maniacs other than the fact that I completely loved it. It's a full blown wacky ride, with puddles and puddles of the most glorious red paint blood that you'll ever see. It's not what you'll expect but you'll be sure to love it. Yes, I think that about sums it up.

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes: Ooh the Days When Tomatoes Were Still Vegetables...Sigh.

I'm not sure if you're aware of this or not but there's been a lot of good movie watching at The Horror Digest. Not that there's anything wrong with that but personally I think it's getting a little out of hand. If you only subject yourself or your blog to good movies then one day when you're feeling saucy and want to talk about something like say I don't know...Wild Things--then people will start to get upset. But if you balance it with both good and bad no one is thrown for a loop and no one will get upset. Everyone's happy when you keep a balanced level of absurdness and delight. So in order to purge my blog of that dastardly disease, I went for the big guns. One of the most notoriously bad movies out there. But is it so bad that it's good? Let's find out.

Beginning with a small anecdote of when people first saw Hitchcock's The Birds--

I found myself wondering; should I be concerned about the tomato I had recently purchased? Or because Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is supposed to be funny and the Birds was not- are we all safe? Unfortunately for all you deep, movie trivia and fact snobs out there the first rule of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is don't ask questions. There will be no rhetorical questions today. In addition you also should be careful not to think too hard, or try to make sense of what you see before you. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is what it is, a parody of a B-movie that becomes one in the process. This of course leaves little to talk about. Which is fine by me.

Within a few seconds into Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, and witnessing a rolling tomato appear out of a garbage disposal and start making "angry noises" you start to understand that 1 out of every 50 people you meet will find the film enjoyable. Sure there are jokes--but how many people these days can appreciate full fledged silliness? I'm sure all those girls in their high heels and undoubtedly stylish rompers that I met last night would be rolling their eyes and switching to The Real Housewives of insert city here had they been in my shoes--but lucky for you all I love me some silly.

I was also very surprised, although I'm not entirely sure why, that the tomatoes didn't have any teeth, they were just tomatoes.

This is fabulous. Instead of trying to understand how anyone was killed by a savage tomato with no teeth I found joy and excitement in the fact that money was spent on explosions instead. Good move I think because after all how many people can make a savage tomato look convincing? Oh shoot! A rhetorical question...blasts!

Sure, half my time was spent being terrified that the film would suddenly turn into a porn--I think most of us expect that with films made in the 70s, but the other half was spent smirking and admiring the shiny luster of those gigantic tomatoes.

I'm not sure who looks at this movie expecting to find greatness, but I sure as heck don't know who looks at this movie and isn't impressed by the effects of the moving tomatoes. It's pretty impressive if you think about it. And how can you really go wrong with a giant tomato wearing headphones?

While there may be no outstanding message or social commentary other than the fact that wearing a bra is essential and that a black Hitler is GREAT, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is really just silly. If you can't appreciate the silly and don't find that a board room the size of a cupboard is funny then get out! Go back to your intelligent comedies (whatever that is) and find a new friend. No, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is not that funny--but if you can't appreciate it, even for a second then I still feel like you're missing out on a little piece of life. Most likely laughter and the joys of silliness but who am I to judge?

Here is some silliness:

Yes, I suppose going back to the film's opening message we are supposed to draw a conclusion after all. Take nothing seriously---and you'll get out alive.

Night of the Comet: A True 80s Masterpiece.

I guess it's safe to say that comet's are really never a good thing. In fact if one approaches it's best to lock yourself in some kind of steel enclosed room just to be safe. Night of the Comet addresses these dangers and proves that although civilization has ended- you can still have fun.

I'm surprised that Night of the Comet wasn't included in more holiday horror posts- as the movie takes place during Christmas- and the whole comet party- wait until midnight thing is very reminiscent of that little thing called New Years. Anyways this particular comet's tail will be passing through the earth- an event which presumably hasn't happened since the extinction of the dinosaurs- all the more reason to party. We meet Regina (Reg) an employee at a movie theater who's life goal is to make sure all high scores on the arcade game belong to her. After a night of projection room sex- Regina and her boyfriend part ways. Regina goes back to the arcade game...

.................

Success!

And her boyfriend goes outside- where he's struck with a wrench and eaten by a zombie. After being locked out of the movie theater Regina notices that there are a lot of clothes on the ground in the shape of where a person would be- only now filled with a strange red dust.

Foreshadowing?

Regina doesn't seem to be too worried and goes around back to find a wrench covered in blood next to her boyfriends keys. Again- not worried at all, Regina finds the zombie- punches him out and rides the motorcycle out of there. After finding no human life at all- cars idled at stop lights and more and more clothes and red dust Regina finally realizes that something must be wrong. Upon returning home Reg finds her sister Sam decked out for Pep Squad practice and seemingly unharmed. Turns out- if you spent the night in a steel structure you are safe- but as it so happens everyone was out celebrating the comet's arrival! So bad luck there.

Reg and Sam meet Hector- a steamy one- and also the title character in Eating Raoul- then send out a message via radio- which is picked up by a group of government scientists. What will become of the three survivors? And what is up with this zombie talk?

So as it turns out- this movie is pretty 80's-tastic! I love it. Sure they may only be like 2 and a half zombies in the entire thing- but the overall premise is very intriguing- and the constant shots of all those clothes and red dust actually did make me feel a little uneasy.

Sure it's a little depressing-suddenly having no family and no real sense of life or whatever- but these people know how to have fun- and dare I say it- girls just wanna have fun? Cyndi Lauper was right- even when the world is ending- the girls head to the mall and get their shopping in- while blasting the aforementioned song. But in all seriousness I really enjoyed this movie. Although I think my DVD may have been damaged or something because I looked away for 2 seconds- and I really thought the scientists were just aliens trying to harvest humans for their blood? Maybe I got all mixed up with Daybreakers or something but anyways they are just scientists- and not very smart ones at that. Helpful hint: When you are staying safe inside your comet proof bunker- make sure you close those vents- you ninnies!

So anyways if you are ever feeling depressed by the likes of I Am Legend or 2012, or what have you- pop this one in and dance along to all those fearsome 80's jams. Plus the script is absolutely fabulous! The effects could have been better but who cares it's a fun movie and it doesn't seem to get a lot of credit these days. Reg is probably my favorite ass kicking female lead in any movie- and Sam- although at times annoying is the perfect sidekick. Oh and- Audrey is also from Eating Raoul isn't that wacky?! If you haven't seen Eating Raoul watch that too.

Umm what else. Oh! Favorite moments include: The first thing Sam envisions herself doing after realizing that civilization is over? Donning a cheesy prom dress, driving a car and drinking a beer at the same time! Target practice on the car-"Dad would have gotten us Uzis"- the face off between Sam and her stepmother in the beginning- AMAZING. Telling the kids that the laughing gas will take them to the North Pole- and Reg's reaction of disgust. Plus lots more.

Sure I expected more of a zombies taking over the world type of deal- but whatever I was still entertained and loving every minute of it. Plus the lead is none other than the girl from Weekend at Bernie's so you have to watch it now! Oh and PS What the shit is this about?

You don't fool me scary clown from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure dressed in different clothing!!!

You're still just as scary and stop haunting my dreams.

Ice Cream Man: Clint Howard's 2nd Greatest Role, Right Behind Beethoven's 5th.

Ice Cream Man is one hell of a gem. Directed by porno movie director Paul Norman, Clint Howard plays a creepy, deep voiced ice cream man who has had his fair share of psychological problems. While it isn't 100% clear, it seems as though the ice cream man's troubles began after his beloved ice cream man was shot in a shoot out outside of his house. Not sure why there was a shoot out in that little town, why they shot the ice cream man, or why no one else thought it was odd- but sure enough it happened and somewhere along the line, Clint Howard went nuts. So begins the epic saga of Ice Cream Man.

On Wikipedia it claims this movie only received it's cult following fairly recently as many began to love it due to the "unintentional comedy". I'm sorry but if anyone was making this movie in 1995 they had to have known it was funny. Was Clint Howard really sitting in his trailer during filming reaching down to the depths of his soul to try the play the intricate character of the ice cream man? Or was he like.. ummm this shit is ridiculous. If this movie wasn't meant to be a comedy than we should all just stop living right now. Wake up and smell the farce.

So if you haven't figured it out already- this shit is ridiculous. Sleepaway Camp is still better but Ice Cream Man is about one point behind. Which of course means- that it's an amazing movie in my book. Everything is ridiculous- right down to the eyeballs in the rocky road, and the motives of Clint Howard. Logic isn't really an important thing to have when viewing Ice Cream Man- but in all actuality it makes no sense at all. Which is fine because that only makes it better.

Anyways here are some shining moments.

The main little girl comes home to find her Mother speaking in tongues again, rolls her eyes and runs upstairs. Some people's Mom's are alcoholics, some people's parents fight- but luckily for her, The Archangel Gabriel is watching over her house- and possessing her mother every now and then. Also, why is that lamp so big?

The Ice Cream man makes a special delivery to the town slut. Her lover's head shoved in a giant waffle cone. Clint Howard's face is priceless and let's not forget the poor man's face. Looks like Clint whacked off his head while he was trying to expel an enormous dump.

The Ice Cream Man using some human puppets thanks to those generous and completely useless cops. Another classic Clint Howard face, although I'm not sure what's going on with that belt of his...

So yeah, pretty much everything that happens in this movie is worthy of a screen shot but these were my favorites. The movie also has about a thousand spectacular lines. My favorite however is, "Whose the pied piper now, Ice Cream DICK" ...Classic!

This movie is insanely stupid, hilarious, amazing and even a little bit creepy. I haven't decided if it's creepy because Clint Howard is the ultimate creep or because there are just some genuine creepy things happening- I'd wager a guess it's a combination of both. If you ever need a good laugh just pop this one in and keep a look out for- the amazing opening scene, creepy notes of child molestation and suggestive lines that probably have double meanings, the bad padding used on Tuna to make him look fat, and the mere fact that Clint Howard is horrible at looking for people hiding in grocery stores. This movie is truly one of a kind and if anyone tries to tell you otherwise I suggest you find a new person to talk to.

This is a nice compilation of moments, although I question the usage of the word "worst" when describing them. I think they meant to say BEST.

Buy Ice Cream Man at Horror Movie Empire!

I hope someone alerted Chris Columbus to the fact that Ice Cream Man totally ripped off Home Alone right down to the theme song and the MacCauly Culkin look-alike.

Sleepaway Camp: A Tribute to Life.

It's official; Sleepaway Camp is the best movie in the world. Not only does it reaffirm my beliefs that summer camp is the all time worst place to be in the world- it also speaks on the dangers of wearing short shorts and having sex with your 70 year old camp director. There is honestly no competition when it comes down to naming my number one favorite summer camp movie of all time. It's not Friday the 13th or The Burning- it's SLEEPAWAY CAMP aka the greatest hour and 24 minutes of your life.

Let me start off by saying that you should stop reading if you've never seen this movie. I simply won't talk about it if I can't reveal the ending because the ending is possibly the greatest thing I've ever seen. So you've been warned.

Now the plot is- Angela and Peter are two creepy dark haired children with weird accents. While out boating with their father and his gay lover- a stupid girl drives her boat into the family killing one of the children. 8 years later we meet Angela and her cousin Ricky setting off for summer camp. Angela doesn't talk much, seems weepy, and lost her weird accent somewhere in those 8 years. Ricky on the other hand, is a class A stud muffin who has a knack for getting revenge on anyone who treats his cousin badly. So as it turns out- the kids in this camp are just as mean as if not more than the kids in Carrie. They pick on Angela for being quiet, and shake her a lot and do mean things. Soon campers start dropping like flies, and the counselors make a startling discovery about Angela.

Here are a few reasons that this movie exceeds all expectations for a fantastic horror movie.

1. The ultimate scum bag of the earth- the greasy kitchen cook calling the new arrivals "baldies" yeah figure that one out- and then trying to molest Angela in the pantry. Classic.

2.The astonishing rate that everyone dies- bee stings really do that in a matter of 1 second?

3. The horrible acting that makes everything seem even more amazing.

4. The short shorts. Here is some Eye Candy for you all to munch on...

Mmmmhmmmmmm

5. When the popular girl claims that Ricky is "just jealous"...... because he's obviously jealous of your giant horse pony tail.

The desire to chop off someone's hair has never been greater.

6. The realization that Hugh Hefner makes a cameo as the camp director and still has a soft spot for younger woman.

7. The worst fake moustache the world has EVER SEEN.

8. Finding out that apparently you don't bleed when you get an arrow shot through your throat- good to know.

9. Also finding out that when campers get murdered in their sleeping bags it actually just looks like someone stabbed a few stuffed animals or that your dishwasher exploded- again, good to know.

10. And the ultimate- by the end of the movie we find out that Angela has a penis and recently picked up a habit of acting like a wax figured extra from Cannibal Holocaust!

Now is that the greatest thing you have ever seen or is that the greatest thing you have ever seen?

In all honesty this movie is the most entertaining thing I've ever seen. The kills are over the top exaggerated and fantastic. The acting is awful and amazing at the same time, and the plot makes no sense whatsoever! I love Sleepaway camp with a passion and I'll tell you what else- these movies get better with every sequel. I think Sleepaway Camp II is probably my favorite because you really can't beat getting killed by being drowned in poop.

You think I'm joking I know but I'm really not. If you love campy, so bad it's good horror, then this is certainly the movie for you. I've discovered that all I really need in life is a bag of chips and my remote control to rewind the reveal of Angela's penis over and over and over again. Sigh. What a wonderful life.

Buy Sleepaway Camp at Horror Movie Empire!