Family: Oh Good God I Love You John Landis.

After putting myself through an hour and a half of Brittany Murphy I decided I needed an enormous pick me up. And what better way to pick myself up then another Masters of Horror, John Landis episode!? I've said it numerous times but I'm just going to say it again- I fucking love this man. Both Family and Deer Woman are the best MoH episodes I have seen- AND they are both even better than half of the full length movies I've seen this year. I can't judge which episode I like better- it's like asking me to pick between my two favorite pairs of pajama pants but I will just say- Family is a trip. The best trip I've ever been on- and I even went to Disney World this year so marinate on that for awhile.

OK so Harold played by the always chunky and kind George Wendt- is a nice guy whose only real happiness in life is spending time with his family. Unfortunately, Harold does not have a family. So to make up for that little blunder- Harold kills people, disintegrates their flesh, and makes their skeletons into his wonderful little family. Here is his "daughter" watching cartoons.

What a great shot! So honestly- have you ever heard of a more delightful premise for a movie? The sick and twisted mind of Harold is so cruel and yet so sad at the same time- BUT also hilarious. The Norman Batesian way of interacting with a family one no longer has is so off putting and weird. Every time Harold interacted with his skeleton family I would laugh outrageously but then shift uncomfortably in my seat. I find myself asking over and over how does John Landis accomplish this feat every single time he makes a movie and I can't for the life of me figure it out. Like Deer Woman the plot is almost too outrageous to believe, but he pulls it off! It works and it works so well that I'm gushing all over the place about it. I'm not a 100% on this but I'm pretty sure the only possible answer is that John Landis is Jesus. It's really the only sane explanation.

So when the new neighbors move in Harold immediately gets excited over the woman- played by Andie from Dawson's Creek. He starts fantasizing about making her his new "wife" but his current "wife" tries to convince him that it's too risky. Poor Harold's heart cannot be swayed however.

The ending of this movie could have easily gone overboard but it did not. Even though I sort of guessed a major piece of it- it was still pretty exciting and great to watch. I did not anticipate exactly how things would turn out- but I loved the way the idea of what a true family means played into things. I have to say I'm also in love with the Jesus music that Harold would always blast when doing his work down in the basement...Jesus music!- a sign that Landis IS Jesus...aha!

There were way too many amazing things happening in this and I can't talk about them all or my head will explode. But please, if you have Netflix go watch Family and Deer Woman right now. I swear your life will instantly be better.

Deer Woman:Exactly As It Sounds and Every Bit As Awesome.

I was starting to get a little worried about the Masters of Horror series. So far it seemed as though each director had the same tricks up their sleeve. How do you make a horror movie under an hour long? Add flashbacks that quickly tell your viewers the stuff you don't have time to tell. John Landis however has expertly mastered the short horror film- and Deer Woman was therefore an amazing and entertaining experience.

The only horror related thing I could attach to John Landis off the top of my head was the Thriller video- which is actually not be taken lightly because that video did scare me AND was basically a shortened horror movie so it makes sense. He's also responbile for some of the great comedies of our time and the Twilight Zone movie. He may be the perfect mix of horror and comedy and I never even realized it!

Our story begins with Dectective Faraday- a somewhat distant cop who is assigned the weird cases and cases having to do with animals. He and fellow cop Reed, come across a mangled mass of trampled flesh in the back of a truck. They find deer hooves, deer hair, and after an autopsy find that the male victim had a boner while he was being attacked. How can this be? Because it's a DEER woman of course.

I was honestly laughing out loud for most of this movie. When Faraday was envisioning the different ways that a deer could somehow be a part of a hook up gone wrong were freaking hysterical. The script, also written by Landis was perfect. Not one cheesy line because the movie as a whole never takes itself completely serious. We get some of Faraday's history but it's not some dull black and white flashback or an entire piece of the story- nor does it fit into some stupid twist that no one cares about. The chemistry and on screen bromance between Faraday and Reed made me physically smile- something I don't like to admit to too often because it's creepy- but whatever I was beaming the whole time ok?! The concept of a deer woman is also very interesting and something highly unusual to base a movie around. It is however the perfect concept to base a short horror movie around- because a half deer half woman murderer is not something you can mess around with longer than 57 minutes without dangerously veering on ludicrosity.

If you are in the mood for a horror movie but are feeling rushed or impatient, go to Netflix and watch this. It's truly a memorable and extremely well done little piece of brillance.

Also classic horror fans keep your eyes peeled for this Cat People homage down below! And this scene is just amazingness on all sorts of levels.

Fair Haired Child: Lori Petty's Hair May Be the Most Terrifying Part of This.

Fair Haired Child is my third Masters of Horror viewing. It begins with your typical- shy girl who is really attractive- yet is hated by her classmates for unknown reasons story. Personally I don't understand what kind of world these stories come from. Who starts laughing maliciously when a classmate is trying to do a math problem?! It's the same kind of strange absolute and unwarranted hate that comes from movies like Carrie and Tamara. It just doesn't make sense. At least have a really ugly person be your leading lady for Christ's sake.

ANYWAYS Tara gets kidnapped one day riding home on her bike. She wakes up in a strange hospital type room where gothic Lori Petty greets her. She says they found her and they are now in Vermont and give her an address. Tara tries to call her mom but apparently her mom is an alcoholic and doesn't understand what Tara means by "Mom someone fucking kidnapped me and I need you to come get me" It is a rather difficult statement to figure out I suppose.

It is not long before Tara realizes that she is not in Vermont, and she tries to escape the creepy haired clutches of Lori Petty but is thrown into the basement by Lori Petty's nice husband. I use the term "nice" loosely because he is the one that kidnapped her after all. He is pretty nice actually and seems to have some reservations about what they are doing.

Sooo Tara finds a boy trying to hang himself in the basement and she makes friends with him. They soon discover the true meaning of the what the fair haired child is and Tara must try to escape with her life.

The episode definitely reminded me of Are You Afraid of the Dark for adults. The ending especially that kind of things are better- but are they really type thing going on. There were a few very creepy moments including the revelation of what the parents were trying to do, the writing all over the walls, the bloody bathtub and of course Lori Petty's hair.

If my mom had a shaved head- dyed black I would disown her immediately. I don't know who decided that fashion statement or why but it was just the most distracting thing about this. It probably could have been a really decent episode but her hair bothered me too much.

The appearance of the fair haired child was a little creepy- but again something seemed too CGI about it or too showy to be truly terrifying. The story overall is very interesting but I still have problems with the ending. It wasn't a twist really but it still kind of made me feel cheated. It was still entertaining and a good dose of an hour of horror. Not my favorite MoH but it still makes it mark.

Cigarette Burns: You Would Have a Creepy Wingless Angel Chained in Your Basement Ron Camp.

Cigarette Burns is my second viewing from the TV series the Masters of Horror. After reading about which episode fans found to be the best- Cigarette Burns was clearly many people's favorite. John Carpenter is the master who directs this one and I was surprised at the level of gore in the episode- one little gem of a scene in particular.

The episode centers around a sort of legend about a French film entitled "La Fin Absolue du Monde" the Absolute End of the World. Apparently the film was only showed to the public one time- resulting in the entire audience being over taken by a homoicidal rage. A creepy rich guy played by Ron Camp of Ace Ventura Pet Dectective fame, offers a gross Kevin Federline look-a-like money to recover the film. Kirby/ K-fed is dubious about the existence of the film but Ron Camp leads him to his basement where he has a "prop" from the film. A creepy, thing and albino looking angel who's wings have been chopped off. The angel says that his existence is tied to the existence of the film. Kirby sets off on a wild adventure to recover the film and ends up uncovering the true meaning of La Fin Abosolue du Monde.

So what freaked me out the most was probably the angel. He has a big bulbous veiny head and gross albino colored hair and is all skinny and gross and kind of makes me want to vom a little. Also the gem of a scene I was referring to- I'll just say it- Ron Camp wraps his intestines around the film reel and turns it on. Yes we get to see his intestines being pulled through the reel. Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm. Reminds me of that woman in the Mother of Tears who got strangled to death with her own intestines.

The story is pretty intriguing but to be honest possibly a little over my head. This could be because I watched it in segments as I was consistently interupted while watching it. The episode is only like an hour long but it took me about 2 weeks to finish. This could say something like it's not that exciting or whatever but the story and whole episode overall is entirely engrossing. I will say one thing however- I will live peacefully if I never have to see that creepy angel again...

Oh nuts there he is again.

Incident On and Off a Mountain Road: People With Giant Tattoos Of Crosses Are Not To Be Trusted

Incident On and Off a Mountain is the first episode in a swell little TV series called Masters of Horror.Each episode is directed by a certain "master of horror". This episode in particular was directed by the man who is responsible for the Phantasm movies. And true to form he casted his own favorite tall man Angus Scrim as a delightful and kooky old man.

So we first meet Ellen driving and listening to some tunes on a mountain road. When the radio fuzzes out she gets distracted and suddenly hits a parked car on the highway. After some flashbacks of her and Ethan Embry enjoying a nice first date? and sex.. she comes too and goes to see how the person in the other car is doing. She finds a ghastly trail of blood leading to the edge of the road and over the guardrail. She then spots a man in a hat struggling up and mountain. When she flashes her flashlight into the man she sees that he is dragging a woman and that he looks like this.

Yikes.

So obviously she freaks and runs away into the woods. Here we flashback again to where Ethan Embry is talking nonsense about learning how to survive on your own and what not. Basically little by little we find that he was a little nutty. They eventually had gotten married and he forces her to fight him and prove that she's not weak- weirdo stuff like that. Personally all this could have been avoided had she paid attention to his enormous tattoo of a cross on his body. Religious freaks are always a little nutty. Anyways flashing back to the woods, Ellen cooks up some traps in the woods with like scissors and stuff- why she has a mini pair of scissors in her bag we'll never know- but little can stop Moonface.

She eventually reaches his rustic cabin overlooking a lovely waterfall and finds dozens of bodies tied to pieces of wood with their eyes cut out, the moon shining through the empty holes. These bodies are grotesque to say the least, all wrinkly and skinny like a Jesus raisin. She passes out from the reappearance of Moonface and wakes up chained to a pole in the basement. A kooky old man talks to her who is also chained and asks if she brought any candy if she likes to sing- you know kooky old man stuff. Eventually Ellen's survivor instincts kick in and she battles Moonface in hopes to save herself.

Overall the movie was really interesting. The blood smears in the beginning, the people tied to the wood, the old man and the general appearance of Moonface were all very horrific. The last 10 minutes or so of the movie got a little dodgy. There is an extreme change of Ellen's character for one and her decision to shoot Buddy at the end is very alarming and quite sad. Sure he's kooky and gave you away when you had escaped- but he was a funny old man!

Another thing that confused me was the siren contraption attached the corkscrew eye thing- what was that all about? Was he warning anyone from not getting too close to the dangerous machinery? Probably not. It was a little weird. But then again I still will never understand the whole tuning fork/entrance to another dimension thing going on in Phantasm so whatevs.

All in all a good little chunk of entertainment. And I will definitely be watching more of these episodes for some quick thrills.