JAWS: Now In Slasher Vision!

In case you were living under a rock during the month of October, I'll fill you in on what you missed....Halloween ya numb nuts. And if you were REALLY living underneath a rock, then you missed the fine creativity that happened over at Final Girl. Now due possibly to one of my typical mean jokes, Stacie decided her SHOCKtober celebrations had to be switched up a bit. She asked readers for a list of their 20 favorite horror movies, no more, no less. Stacie received a whopping 732 movies! She then numbered the movies by the number of votes they received, and gave us one gigantic list.

As we got nearer to the end of October, and the movies with the most votes started being made clear to us, I admit I was pretty giddy. Now in case you don't know, my birthday is October 14th. Guess what movie came in at #14 on the SHOCKtober list? JAWS. That's right, my arch-nemesis. Coincidence? Doubt it. Sharks are trickier than you think. He probably planned it all along, the tricky bastard.

Somewhere in those comments, a reader brought up their surprise at how Jaws was so close to the top 10, when it isn't really a horror movie. This of course isn't the first time I've heard that. It all goes back to that annoying debate people get into about what is and what isn't a horror film. We all have different criteria and here is mine--if it scares the crap out of me, it's horror. Bam.

But then you see, I got thinking. Jaws should never be up for debate as a non-horror movie for one very simple reason. You may or may not have realized this yourself, but Jaws is actually in many ways set up like a Slasher film. Whaaaat? It's true, and I can prove it to you. I'm even going to risk another heart attack, by watching the movie again to get screen grabs. You can thank me later if I'm still alive.

The Opening Kill

As is customary with many opening scenes in Slasher films, our first victim gets well....killed. Oh and she takes her clothes off to do something sinful. In this case we have a young lass skinny dipping, skinny dipping with some stranger I might add!! Oh my oh my.

It is in these opening moments of terror that we get our first peek at our killer. We see the victim through its eyes, we see the victim brutally killed and as is customary with that very first death---(whether in the past or present I should add) it is responsible for putting the rest of the story in motion.

Introducing the Final Girl

Alright, so he's not a girl--but there is no denying that Martin Brody embodies many of the same characteristics that a final girl would. Brody is intelligent, drives the story forward with the part he plays in bringing the killings to an end and of course with his suspicions about the shark.

He is the last one standing (duh) and takes up a weapon to dispatch the killer at the film's conclusion.

Although Brody does like to indulge in the occasional massive glass of wine, we never see Brody indulging in what is perhaps the activity most commonly associated with the final girl--sex. His wife suggests it, "Wanna get drunk, fool around?" BUT it never happens. In our eyes Brody is almost virginal...

Point of View

One of the best hallmarks of a slasher film is the use of the killers point of view. It puts the audience in the role of a voyeur, which is of course the role of the killer. The classic shot of Jaws? Peoples little swimming legs shot of course, from the shark's perspective.

The Isolated Setting

Slasher movies often take place in settings of isolation. Islands, isolated houses, isolated farm houses, etc. Amity island is no exception and with Brody hailing from New York, Amity Island is the ultimate place of isolation for him.

Disbelief

Unfortunately for Brody, no one believes his own self discovery, that the killer may be a shark. In his attempt to do the right thing and close the beaches, he is met with an uproar in the community. A shark attack seems insane. As does a killer wielding a machete dispatching teenagers. People just don't want to believe it--and so, they go on with their lives. This of course always ends badly, as we find with poor little Alex, and Pippin--can't forget about Pippin.

The Wrong Man is Caught

You know how in slasher films when they think they catch the bad guy? They pin the crime on the escaped mental patient that conveniently escaped around the same time that the killings happened? The same sort of business happens in Jaws, only this time, the wrong shark is caught. Everyone rests easy even though we know the killer is still out there.

Help From Someone with Experience

Whether it be a police detective, a psychologist, or someone from the killer's past, our final girl often meets someone who can help them. Often times this person isn't around for long, but the help they provide is crucial. Matt Hooper is a marine biologist, specializing in sharks. With his help, Brody's fears get reaffirmed; the shark that the town caught has a much smaller jaw span than the shark that killed our victim. Dun Dun Dun. Hooper can also be viewed as a best friend prototype. Sure they haven't known each other as well but they become quite "chummy" (pun INTENDED) by the film's end.

Listen to the Old Kook

Quint in many ways resembles that crazy old man on a bicycle spouting off violent stories about the past. He's a crazy old shark catcher yes, but just like the crazy old man on the bicycle, he probably has experience. And experience he does. As we find out during his famous Indianapolis speech, Quint met a whole band of sharks in his past and knows exactly what they are up against. Heed his warnings, and listen--listen to that old kook who draws silly pictures of sharks!

The False Alarm

Those asshole boys in slasher movies--always pretending to be the killer like it's sooo funny. Or worse--they'll just creep up behind our final girl and scare her! The nerve. Final girls and Chief Brody do not find practical jokes funny at all. Especially because a false alarm is usually closely followed by the real deal AKA the salt pond incident!

The Killer Goes After a Family Member

In many ways, the killer knows how to press buttons. Perhaps one of the hottest buttons to push is going after the someone from the final girl's family. This isn't always a hallmark of Slasher films, but it is still an element I feel deserves recognition. Especially because the salt pond incident is really fucking scary.

The Killer's Theme

All great killers in slasher films have great themes. Jason, Freddy, Michael and of course---Jaws. When we hear the music, we know they are lurking and we know it is time to cover our eyes.

The Final Girl and the Killer Come Face to Face

I won't post this screen grab because it is too scary. But here is our moment when the final girl meets the killer for the very first time--and is met with instantaneous fear. Often times they merely escape their death, and other times they just get damn lucky. Brody here just gets a face full of terror and he instantly becomes a bit more skittish.

Mayhem

In those last crucial moments of a slasher film, things get craaazay. The killer is popping out of everywhere, and the final girl seems hopelessly trapped. The last few moments of Jaws are riddled with that same kind of chaos. The remaining characters start dropping like flies, and soon our final girl find herself very alone--and very, very pissed.

The Final Standoff

As last we arrive at the final showdown between our final girl and our killer. Things here start going from bad to worse, as our final girl barely clings on to life. Here, Brody is literally clinging on, as he hangs from the last remaining part of the Orca, waiting for his chance to shoot the pressurized air tank firmly lodged in the sharks giant mouth. Brody delivers the standard, final girl line, you know something HA in your face bioootch, or here, "Smile you son of a bitch", and our killer finally dies.

One Last Scare?

Most slasher films just love to keep you on your toes. Even here after we see the shark guts rain down upon the sea, we still get a little nervous. Suddenly out of the water crashes---HOOPER! That sly dog! Alright so it's a cop out final scare, but it still works alright?

Well there we have it. Sure it's not a straight shot, but I think it's pretty neat. Hopefully this satisfies all you "Jaws isn't a horror movie" people but if it doesn't.........dudes come on, Jaws is terrifying whether you are deathly afraid of sharks or not! It's got suspense! It's got blood! It's got laughs, thrills, chills, a man in some bad hat---it has got it ALL!

Facing the Fear Part Two

I'm not sure what demon got inside my head and told me that it would be an awesome idea to jump into my fear face first, but whoever they are, I hate them. I come to you friends to tell you some disappointing news. I closed my eyes at least 10 times while watching Jaws last night. Yes I know, I can hear your groans of disappointment and sadness but know this: I sort of tried.

For anyone just joining us today you can read part one here. Basically for the month of August, when Shark Week is in its prime, I vowed to watch all 4 Jaws movies without closing my eyes. A feat that had never been done in my life due to my insanely irrational fear of the shark in Jaws and all Jaws movies period. Since my Clockwork Orange chair was in the repair shop, I had no choice except to just try really hard. This was inevitably a failed plan as I am the queen of not trying really hard when I really don't want to do something. For anyone who thinks I'm exaggerating about my fear of said shark, just ask my sister Emmy Doomas who was a witness to my catatonic state. More on that later.

So we'll begin at the beginning of my tale. Let's just say that I was happily cruising along through the beginning of the movie. Since the shark does not make an actual appearance until later, I was quite content in my head and could enjoy most of the film. In fact I've actually seen most of the part before the shark makes its entry several times before, so this was easy. It should be said however that those parts are still terrifying. Perhaps even the most terrifying for those normal people that aren't afraid of mechanical sharks. During this time I was able to make my usual astute observations like how mayor Larry Vaughn's good looks multiply by 10 fold when he wears his nautical suit jacket adorned with anchors.

And then we arrive at the salt pond incident. Unfortunately I was under the false impression that the first glimpse of the shark we actually get comes during the chum bucket scene. Which means that I was fully prepared to be shark mouth safe at this time. WELL THAT'S GREAT because actually he does pop up then and nobody warned me. Which I suppose is better because that means I didn't have time to close my eyes. But seriously mean joke people, mean joke. I would have to say that this particular scene wins the award for fucking scariest thing ever.

After this mishap my stomach started making knots and I began to feel weak. I had been dreading the moment that the Orca sets out to sea and the time had arrived. For many people, what happens out there on the sea; the Indianapolis speech, the chummy singing and moments of brief happiness as noted by the shift in chords, are some of the greatest and most memorable parts of the film. I couldn't enjoy them however and that may be where my real frustration lies. People tell me everyday that Jaws is a great movie and Jaws is the best movie and Jaws, Jaws, Jaws. What they don't understand however is how unenjoyable the film is to me despite the fact that it is one of the greatest films of all time. The purpose of this experiment was to lessen my fear of the shark and therefore allow me to sit back and enjoy the film. This is where I failed.

A few minutes into the Orca scenes, and I began feeling dizzy. I propped my left leg up so that it would block my general view of the television. I began doodling uncontrollably in my notebook, and pretending to focus on the TV when I was actually focusing on the cable box. Why did I think I could this? I was insane! I was starting to act like a shocked Chief Brody and began wildly asking my sister why on earth that damn boat was so small. Every time the shark's fin and body came into clear view I shouted out in absolute turmoil. In other words I was pretty positive I was going to die of a heart attack at any moment. With the brief pause before the shark cage fiasco, I took a trip to the bathroom since I was almost positive I was going to pee my pants at any given time. On the way out I took a detour to the kitchen and poured some gin into a cup and went back into the living room. As Hooper dove into the water, I knocked back some gin. Things felt better--that is until I remembered that hard alcohol makes me want to die and then I felt like puking.

As luck would have it our Netflix streaming crapped out at this exact moment, so I was able to catch my breath and down some water. Funnily enough the shark cage scenes were a little less traumatizing as they mostly used actual footage of a real shark which for some reason is less scary to me than a gigantic fake one. But don't worry things are quickly switched back to the fake and once again I'm exclaiming wildly about how I can't do it. Quint gets eaten (which I have seen behind the confines of a couch when I was little) which sends shivers down my spine as the rest of his body is pulled below the surface. Then the shark goes to town on the Orca, and poor Brody is all alone. The shark is relentless and chomping all over the place. Repeatedly seeing his gigantic mouth and plastic bendy teeth make things a little easier to swallow and believe it or not I find I am a little less tense in these final moments.

I suppose my problem is the initial shock of the shark and placing myself in the bodies of our main characters. Whenever I see someone get pulled under, I can't help but think what is happening under there. After all, they were still breathing moments before, perhaps they are still conscious yet slowly drowning while being bitten in half. What is that like? When the movie is over and I'm able to catch my breath, my mind can't help but recount everything I had just seen. It's not long before I go into the bathroom and start hallucinating that the shark mouth will be in the shower when I turn on the light. Things are really shitty basically. I'm not sure if I can even call this an official part two of my journey since I failed miserably. After the movie was finished I still felt shook up and nauseous (although I would probably blame the gin in this case), but mostly I just feel regret.

Here is a brief recounting of the notes I took in my notebook--except in screen grab form. NEAT!

Like I said, the man knows his style.

Ever since I saw Jaws for the first time I've asked myself this question over and over again. WHY PIPPIN?! WHY NOT YOU, FAT LADY IN A BATHING CAP??!

Nothing will make me sadder than seeing Pippin's lone stick floating in the sea. Ahhhh Pippin

Behold the subtle and sophisticated art of Quint. Those lines, that definition. Pure perfection.

Wanna get drunk? Fool around?

This may be the most genius way to utilize a broken shark. When that dock slowly drifts towards the poor man.....yikes.

STOP bringing your cute Labradors on shark hunting trips asshole.

I don't even need to say that this kid is weird looking. It's pretty obvious.

Water glass filled with wine? Yes please.

I'm almost positive that little dream I had about the shark jaw bones was just me remembering this scene inside Quint's love shack.

Stop playing with yourself Hooper.

That's it for notes...after that my heart gave out and I just doodled.

So in conclusion. I suck. I'm weak. Am I even going to be able to watch Jaws 2? Doubtful. Very doubtful. But we'll see.

Time to look at pictures of puppies and kitties to get my mind off things.

That's better.

Facing the Fear: Part One

For many people out in there in the world, summer is one of the greatest times of the year. For me however it may very well be one of the worst. The reasoning behind it all is the fact that Jaws and Shark Week are played and advertised repeatedly on what feels like every channel. What’s wrong with Jaws you ask? Well nothing. In fact it’s an incredible movie—or at least I think it is from what I can tell when I’m hiding behind my hands. The sad fact of the matter is that I’m horribly afraid of sharks (for details on the extent and severity of this fear click here). So much so that I can’t even see a shark on TV without letting out the smallest of yelps and punching whomever is sitting closest to me. As much of a horror fan as I am the sad fact still remains: I have never seen the movie Jaws without hiding behind a pillow. Please spare me the comments of “the shark looks fake!” and Jaws is a great movie!”, because I know all of this. I know it’s incredibly fake looking and that Jaws may in fact be one of the greatest movies of all time. It doesn’t matter. To me the idea of watching Jaw is closely related to the idea of killing a baby-- it totally sucks!

So how did my completely insane fear of sharks begin? Unfortunately I cannot point to a specific incident (I did not return from a shark attack armless yet brawny) rather, I can point to a series of memories. One of my earliest was when I was in some kind of permit office with my Dad. On the wall was a vast collection of shark jaw bones, the largest one being bigger than I was. I can’t really determine if this was a dream or something that actually happened, but its memory continues to persist. In the next memory I was making a sandwich when I peered into the living room to see what all the screaming was about. On the screen, a girl had jumped into the water to rescue a little boy and as she climbed back in the boat the shark came and swallowed her whole. I would later come to realize that this moment was in fact from Jaws 2 which meant nothing except that NO Jaws movies were safe.

After that I remember hiding underneath a scratchy and hot wool blanket while my sister watched Jaws on TV. It was balls to the wall hot under there and yet I watched /listened to the entire thing, which says something about my curiosity. Next, I remember sitting on the library floor with Peter Benchley’s Jaws opened in front of me. I read the first chapter and cried a little on the inside. My readers should be familiar with my next memory, a trip to the Boston Museum of Fine Art and a look at one of the most terrifying paintings I have ever seen. After this it was a compilation of nightmares, terrible ones where I’d relive the same dream about 5 times in one REM cycle. Always the same, with a shark popping up somewhere and trying to eat me. Yes, these memories are I think, the foundation for my irrational fear.

Lately however, I’m come to realize that this fear is a little too irrational. I even staged an intervention with myself after yelping out loud during the preview for Despicable Me. How am I ever going to be taken seriously in this life if I can’t even face a cartoon shark? Yes, it was time to take some drastic action. My mind instantly wandered to my college Psychology class in which we talked about phobias. This whole process of desensitization seemed to work out for these people so I thought, why not try it out? For those that do not know, desensitization goes something like this; a person is afraid of snakes. You start small by showing that person pictures of snakes, then videos. Soon you bring a snake in the room but keep it far away from the person. Little by little you bring the snake closer and before you know it, the person is holding the snake! Now before we go any further let’s make something very clear. I do not intend to swim with great white sharks when this is over. Please, I’d sooner die and plus we just don’t have the resources…. So my little experiment will be a minor one. Thank GOD.

I began slowly by Googling the word “shark” and unwillingly opened one eye to peer at the results. A minute later I awoke to find myself on the floor and Professor Lupin was handing me a piece of chocolate. I had failed miserably. Alright that’s an exaggeration. But when I do get a glimpse of those gaping shark mouths my heart skips a beat and I feel like someone punched me in the gut. This challenge was going to be a lot harder than I thought. After more Googles, YouTube videos and terror spilling out of my face, was I ready? Well, no, not really, but time was of the essence and August was on my heels. I had to make big moves and fast. So brace yourself because I’m about to take things to the next level pretty quickly in order to get rid of this fear once and for all, and what better place to showcase this experiment than right here? Over the course of the rest of the summer, I will be watching all 4 (!) Jaws movies, while I remain strapped to a Clockwork Orange chair,

and get needle tape stuck under my eyes,

also there will probably be a glass of vodka involved. Yes, I very well may die in the process, but I’d do anything to get rid of this fear, even…dying. So stay tuned for my experiences as I dun dun dun--- FACE THE FEAR!