Maniac (2012): The Good Scalp

When Elijah Wood was first cast as Frank Zito in the remake of William Lustig's Maniac, people were mad. Not just regular remake mad but like…I'm going to kick a baby then claw my face off and eat it mad. As usual I played devil's advocate and slapped those people in the face. Then, I calmly reminded them that Elijah Wood was actually really good at being an understated creepy psychopath.

Why didn't they remember his unsettling turn as Kevin in Sin City? And not only that--but who can admit that his performance in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind as a weird, panty stealing idiot did NOT fully creep them out? My thoughts exactly.


So that's why I was intrigued by the Maniac remake. Not only because I wanted to see just how much creepier Elijah Wood could get, but also because I felt like there were so many other layers of the original Maniac that had yet to be explored. Luckily, the remake does explore those layers---but it still leaves things intentionally fuzzy as well which is both frustrating and neat. Apparently Frank Zito is a case that will never be cracked---

and after a glass of wine or three to get my mind off the heavy duty scalping…I think I'm OK with that.

As far as plot goes--the remake of Maniac stays fairly close to the original. Frank Zito is a disturbed man attempting to lead a normal life but hiding his true passion in his sadly outdated and cramped apartment. During the day he refurbishes mannequins--which by the way is proof that there IS something more terrifying than a mannequin----a mannequin hospital. At night, Frank kills women, scalps them and then tacks their bloody scalps onto mannequins and sleeps with them.

All the while entertaining us with his flashbacks of seeing his prostitute mother do bad things. After meeting a super arty photographer named Anna, Frank's scalping desires seem to hit the high road and his maniac tendencies start to really get out of control…

I was glad to see almost immediately that the remake kept that same seedy feeling of the original film. Swapping out 1980's New York for California circa now, the Maniac remake still has the power to make you want to take a shower. I attribute this to the fantastic styling of Frank's apartment. Dated, cramped, and swarming with flies stuck onto the rotting scalps of his victims--Frank's apartment is like the anus of the devil. I also loved the switch in professions for Frank---what better way to really freak people out with the mannequins than actually having Frank's job be about running a mannequin store?

Almost the entire film is shot in POV style which is at first jarring but then highly symbolic and fitting.

It's very Enter the Void---and is also a really nice nod to Slasher films in general. Peeping Tom meets Enter the Void? Hmmm yes, that sounds delightful. The only time we get to look at Elijah's mug is when he stares into mirrors, which, actually happens quite a bit (the symbolism kills me!)

There's also a brief moment where he's stabbing his victim and suddenly we're inexplicably just looking at him from the outside with no reflection in sight.

What's that about? Could that scene have been implying that Frank was transported briefly out of his body and looking at himself and his behavior from the outside? Maybe!

I will admit that the gore level in this remake is top notch. As someone who prefers not to witness a full on scalping---I fought the desire to die several times during this. The scalping is so graphic that I think I heard a rumor that it was real.

Just kidding the blood is too shiny so it's not but really----really traumatic stuff here. Although Alexandre Aja only appears to have produced and written Maniac--the the gore in this is quite indicative of his style. Head trauma, shiny blood and really creative face wounds are all over the place.

As far as remakes go, Maniac is pretty strong. It took the important elements of the original and then added in some spice here and there. It also seemed to give us an even closer glance into Frank Zito thanks to the POV tactic. What it didn't do however was do a good job of explaining Frank's mother's continued presence. I felt that in the original I could really understand Frank's issues and how they correlated to his mother. Here though we're treated to some late night romps, Frank hiding in the closet and then a fuzzy scene of him brushing her hair. Her death isn't really touched on and the scene with Anna's agent is therefore kind of odd.

Elijah is as I predicted insanely creepy. The mannequins are insanely creepy (and evidently horny when left alone)

 And the fact that this girl chose "Goodbye Horses' as mood music is insanely creepy.

Doesn't she know the kinds of bad things that happen when the song 'Goodbye Horses' is played?

Overall, I think the Maniac remake did me proud. What do you think?

Let Me In: Yeah It's Okaaay

I admit I didn't have much motivation to see Let Me In. This is due to the fact that many who saw the remake to the wonderful and quietly terrifying film Let the Right One In--dubbed it as being far too similar to its predecessor. I suppose I prefer this to the remake being a complete waste of space, but this review from my peers wasn't entirely hopeful either. For a remake to be good in my book it needs to do something new and exciting with its source material. We know the obvious examples of films that do this (The Thing, The Blob, The Ring (yes The Ring!), but when a remake is just as good as original or almost as good---it doesn't really excite me. And why should it? Why would you want to see the same exact movie again except in English?

I will say after watching it however that Let Me In is a good thing that happened. I say this because the story is interesting enough that most people who do see the remake first---may in fact be tempted to visit the original, which they should for many reasons that I'll get to later. In the meantime, Let Me In surprised me in how well it respected its foreign twin and also in how not EXACTLY similar it was, despite what everyone had told me.

The story remains the same: Owen is an awkward skinny young boy who is constantly bullied by some real assholes at school. When Abby, a girl who appears to be Owen's age moves in next door with her "father" some weird things start happening. People are turning up dead, and despite the growing friendship that Owen develops with Abby, he can't help but feel something is UP.

Well obviously Abby is a vampire and her "father" is her helper person. The film and its original original source material the novel, Let the Right One In, do a fine job of commandeering a friendship between Owen and Abby that is both innocent and strange. It is in fact their relationship that remains as the focal point of the film while the whole vampire theme stands as more of a plot point. An important one yes but still if you think about it, it really is just a way to move things from here to there. Let Me In takes this same tactic which is a giant relief considering the teeny bopper fad that vampires have become. Here Abby's "condition" remains scary and the pair's relationship never falls into annoyance. They really do seem too young for this to get into Twilight territory and that is brilliant.

While the film doesn't take any great divergence from the original, it still manages to do some different things. Some may consider these things minor--but I don't know. I think people tend to focus on what they don't like because they don't want to like it. If you're going into a remake thinking that it's going to be exactly like the original, your brain is going to spot the similarities more than the differences. The similarities seem like a big deal because those are big moments--and they are the best moments. Why change the things that are absolutely brilliant and perfect?

Despite all this, the thing about Let Me In is that it doesn't seem to contain that same brutality of the original. A lot of things felt surprisingly held back in this. All the brutality seemed hidden and subdued. Abby's vampirism was also a little too.....vampiric for me. I realize that probably doesn't make sense to anyone that didn't see the original so I apologize. What I mean is that I loved that aspect of the original--that Eli (Abby) didn't really seem like a full fledged vampire. She was one of course, but it always seemed more like some weird disease, than a thing of myth. My favorite part about the original is when Eli's face turns into that scary old man face. In Let Me In however that face turns into VAMPIRE. Like, white eyes, huge jagged fangs and growls and scariness. It just seemed a little too typical to me.

There's also the annoyance of the policeman character in Let Me In. He's pretty useless and at one point shows up and completely botches everything. I'm not sure I was comfortable with Abby being tracked so to speak and her lair being unveiled. But mostly---the policeman is just useless. Just a way to get some suspense and urgency out of the audience--but we don't need it. The real push and driving force between the ultimate conclusion of the film comes from the asshole bullies doesn't it?

Overall, Let Me In is a worthy film to watch. It's not spectacular and it seems a bit muted in contrast to the original, but it still captures that same moving and intriguing tale. The roles of Abby and Owen are different enough and well done and while there could have been a lot of more blood on snow action---I feel pretty okay about things as it is. You should still of course see the original if you have not. I feel like there's a lot of more depth and brutality to it that really pushes it into that awesome territory that we all love so much. It's just.....foreign films seem to be able to do blood better than we can you know? Do you ever feel like that? Well I do! It's like...........they respect the blood or something. They make it into something artful rather than just something to symbolize gore. Probably this isn't true, but for the sake of this beer I'm drinking right now, it is definitely true. And also I'm always right about everything. Except for when I think wearing my flip flops in the rain is a good idea. But hey, I'm just human.

The Haunting: A Confession

I’ve always been one to shy away from disappointing anyone. In fact, not disappointing someone is how I typically justify lying, which depending on your morality scale makes me either a terrible or okay person. When faced with writing this article however, I realize that both lying and trying not to disappoint people is out of the question. I am going to disappoint most or all of you and I’m ready to take any of the insults that you will throw at me (but I am not promising that I won’t cry). So here goes, the first version of The Haunting I ever saw was the 1999 remake with Liam Neeson. I was 13 years old, I was allowed to be watching it and I loved it.

Before you get all angry towns person, on me you should be advised that under no circumstances am I saying that I enjoy the remake of The Haunting more than the classic 1963 version, nor am I saying that I think it’s better. I’m simply stating that when someone is young, impressionable and believes that they are in a serious relationship with J.C. Chasez---

their mind tends to like movies that aren’t necessarily good. Even as horrible as the 1999 remake is, it still contains a few shreds of fear that continue to get to me today. Yes it is a terrible, god awful film, but I do have this strange soft spot for it and for that, I can never forget it.

With 5 Razzie nominations under its belt, including one for Worst Picture, The Haunting is a clear cut example of how not to do a remake. It replaces everything that was wonderful about the original with everything that is horrible about modern horror movies. The simplistic plot is exchanged for a complicated story about child labor, great,great,great grandparents and purgatory. The subtlety of the haunting and the fear is exchanged for spectral children, eagle statues that come to life, and giant CGI hands. The 1999 remake of The Haunting becomes less of a haunting and more of a spectacle. Is Hugh Crain really a ghost or is he a demon? Whatever he is, he is ridiculous.

Although The Haunting does many, many, MANY things wrong, I did mention how there is the slightest remnant of things to talk about. Namely, the architecture of the mansion, the colors employed and a few surprisingly chilling moments. The film does do a good job (at least in the beginning) of building the atmosphere and more importantly, the life force of Hill House. The sound is used effectively to almost make it seem like the house contains life--it creaks and groans and even breathes. It personifies the house in such a way that it turns Hill House into its very own characte-- that is of course until the last half of the film destroys this. Yes, somewhere down the line, the menacing demon hands and face of Hugh Crain take over, and all character of Hill House vanishes. We can’t have it all I guess.

The brief scares I referred to come in the form of what is surprisingly a few rare instances of subtlety. The first is the hanging body of Hugh Crain’s second wife in the greenhouse.

When I was younger (and still a bit today) the very glimpse of a hanging person scared the pants right off of me. This moment of hanging was neither expected, foreshadowed or innocently shown. One minute Nell is in the greenhouse, the next she looks up and she’s a hanging body. Not very nice to my 13 year old self and my fear of hanging.

The second is an even subtler moment where Nell, off flitting about in a tizzy about “the children, the children!”, looks into the mirror and sees her own face transforming before her eyes.

She looks and opens her mouth slowly to unveil a set of teeth that do not belong to her.

Next, she looks in a different mirror and is terrified to find a new set of eye brows that completely change the way she looks.

I can’t tell you exactly what it is about this scene that gets me (and oh yes, it still gets me) but I think it has something to do with how unnatural those teeth and eyebrows look on Nell. The teeth especially, are unexpectedly chilling and they really rub me the wrong way.

So is that it? Is that all the good going on in The Haunting? Well, partially yes. But as I re-watched the film today, I remembered what I used to think was terrifying. These things are as you might have guessed, not actually terrifying in the slightest. As a 13 year old I was obsessed with how creepy the little children in this were.

For some reason I failed to notice the strange effect that made the spectral children about 2 feet tall. I also failed to notice how stupid they looked. For the same reasons, I was appalled by the bloody footprints of the children leading the way to the hidden study. After a few solid years of watching horror movies nonstop however, I have now come to notice that the footprints resemble paint more than blood and that their presence is equally cartoonish.

Lastly, I used to think that the scene where Liam Neeson gets scooped into the giant fountain, by the enormous man statue which then proceeds to spurt out blood--was the greatest thing since the blood elevator in The Shining.

Now however, the very idea that a statue grabs Liam Neeson’s character and that he just rises up out of the fountain barely shaken, is preposterous. The statue spurting blood is kind of neat, but it still loses me in the very absurdity of the situation. Keep in mind that before this moment, Liam Neeson’s character was a firm believer that Nell was just crazy. Talk about the absence of proper adjustment to the supernatural elements.

So yes, I am slightly embarrassed that this movie still has a special place in my heart. But hang on because I’m about to get all preachy. Without the existence of the Haunting remake, I highly doubt that I would be as into horror as I am today. The film created this strange sense of wanting to be scared in me. It caused me to like that feeling and what’s more, it caused me to want to watch something that terrified me over again.

Additionally, it is because of this remake that I chose to seek out the original The Haunting in the first place. This is one of the reasons why I am a closeted supporter of remakes of classic films. Remakes occasionally can be gateway drugs into the bigger and better world of horror classics. Often times they can introduce kids who are interested in horror to the usually far superior originals. Original films that these same kids would probably not have come across otherwise. Do you really think that me and my girlfriends were going to pop in the 1963 version of The Haunting on that Saturday night? Probably not--and that is where remakes stand to be important.

So what if horror remakes are ruining the horror genre? Are they really? In my opinion--no. The originals will always still exist, just as our memories and our love for them will exist. All remakes are really doing is exposing a new generation to a story that was successful at least once (or in the case of the Blob, three times) before. So give kids some credit. If we’re lucky they’ll turn out like us--and realize that there just may be something better than what is given to them and they will seek it out and fall in love. There will of course be the oblivious ones--but they don’t love horror and we don’t really care about them.

The Grudge: I Like You..But Am I Supposed To?

I can't believe after whining about how stupid I was for not checking my queue, that I did it AGAIN. This time the mistake wasn't so unfortunate but it still left me feeling rather bitter. I had failed to notice this time around that the Grudge I had stored in my queue was the American remake and not the original Japanese version. I don't have anything against remakes or at least giving them a chance, but after declaring my immense adoration for The Ring over Ringu--I had wanted to switch things up this time. I thought that maybe if I saw the original first I would become a strong supporter. This was inevitably a failed experiment as most people don't love the American remake--but what can you do?

I also must admit that I dreaded seeing The Grudge for a few reasons. To begin with, I like to consider it, along with the Ring as being the seed that planted the trend of scary Asian girls with long hair into the minds of everyone. It is because of the success of these two movies that I hate all Asian horror films that center around the supernatural because they all employ the same tactics. I figured I would hate the Grudge for doing this but I also failed to realize that if the Grudge and The Ring started a trend--they must have been doing something right.

The other reason I sort of abhorred the Grudge was because of Sarah Michelle Gellar. I just don't like her! I never have and every single movie that I see her in I can't get the stupid ugly face of her character from Cruel Intentions out of my head. I'm also a huge supporter of The Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie in case you didn't know and I resent her for marrying Freddy Prinze Jr. before my 14 year old self could.

Anyways I put my dignity aside and settled in and I must admit...I found myself pretty creeped out. I'm embarrassed even to tell you this but I stopped it after 20 minutes because no one was home and the heaters were making loud noises. Maybe it's the timing of the Grudge, or the long black hair that's extra long and...gross. Or maybe The Grudge just speaks to everyone's innate fear of scary dead Asian girls with long hair and bad asthma. Who knows. Either way, when I finally settled back in to watch it in its entirety I was both excited and nervous.

I had no idea when I began watching it, that the story's structure was so disjointed. We begin with a Japanese girl coming to take care of some old lady. She hears noises and goes to investigate and gets killed. Next we meet a family moving into the house. They are actually the people who are living there at the time the Japanese girl comes at the beginning. THEN we meet Sarah Michelle Gellar's character Karen, who takes the Japanese girl's place-and so on and so forth. It's an interesting story telling device that normally would have jarred me but in this instance I felt it a nice compliment to the idea of the stain. There's no bettering or worsening of the ghost's wrath because no matter who you are, or when you come into the house you will be met with...the grudge.

There are problems of course in The Grudge, but these seem to only be minor annoyances. Things like how the scary girl seemed to be really CGI looking, or how we never got to really see what happened to the husband and the wife.

Sarah Michelle Gellar's open fish mouth gape was also a bit annoying after awhile and she wasn't traumatized enough in my opinion. I guess I just don't understand why the ghost didn't immediately kill her like everyone else. I understand in order for the plot to stay alive she kind of needs to be alive...but in every other instance--the ghost did NOT give up so what the eff?

Aside from those shenanigans, The Grudge was as I said a pretty terrifying movie for anyone who HATES hair. Personally, I don't mind it but still, the hair oooh god the hair.

I also will fault The Grudge for making me weary of...cats. I know. I too was upset but it happened. I'm actually still confused about the little cat boy.

Did he just really like cats? Maybe I missed something there...regardless I had to stop the movie about 10 times because I thought my cat was alone and crying somewhere. Turns out it was just the cat in the movie...

The scene that a lot of people talk about when they refer to the Grudge is the stairwell scene and the under the covers scene.

I admit I had seen it before a few times but it never really affected me. However. In context, that scene is wildly creepy. I attribute this to the noise. It really is an ungodly noise that should never be uttered by another human being ever. I think the main driving force behind that scene is that it amplifies the power of the ghost to the nines. It just really is one of the creepiest scenes I have ever witnessed. Not only does she have the power to turn into people's brothers, and call people's cell phones--she also has an uncanny ability to morph out of the shadows and sneakily appear under people's bed covers. This film like The Ring, employs the very curious sensation of not being able to escape an evil no matter how hard you try. That's the thing with most horror films--in a lot of instances there is a safe place but here--we are screwed.

Ummm what else, what else? The other thing I enjoyed was how the end wasn't all twisty. It's refreshing to see an end to a horror film that is not filled with an uncontrollable need to make people's heads hurt. There's no--well GUESS WHAT? The cat? Yeah, the cat was actually the bad guy! Or shit like that. Things were straightforward and you know what? It made sense. The logical flow of events made sense for once and I felt like kissing something.

Overall I was quite pleased with the entirety of The Grudge. I'm sad that a lot of people don't like it, and as someone who has not seen the original, I am pretty confident in saying that it gets a lot of unfair flack. I found it to be effective, creepy and only a little bit annoying so ha. I'm sure the original is much more successful in building up the creepy atmosphere and all that jazz--but for a remake I think the Grudge does a fine job. I mean honestly--how many movies have I seen this year that made me nervous about finishing? Not many. And my heater makes noise all the time, so think about that, buddy.

The Blob (1988): Shawnee Smith DOES Have Feelings!

I wasn't surprised that The Blob was a special effects spectacular because I had been told so countless times. I also wasn't surprised that the 1988 remake would surpass in many ways its predecessor because again, I had been told this countless times. However, I WAS deeply surprised that no one bothered to mention the little fact that Shawnee Smith was in this.

Well, Shawnee Smith AND that guy who played Babe Ruth in the Sandlot.

Mostly the Babe Ruth guy, but Shawnee Smith? You mean her career didn't start out in Saw? Yes, yes I know I'm sadly misinformed but I blame all of you who didn't tell me sooner. I also blame whoever decided that that haircut was a good choice for Kevin Dillon. Christ, the number of times I kept asking myself who on earth that woman in the leather jacket was!

Sticking mainly to the story of the original, 1988's The Blob puts emphasis on improving what most of us found comical in the 1958 classic--the gelatinous ball of jello. Personally I got a great kick out of that jello ball--but for a ball of jello that absorbs human beings, it was in retrospect quite tame. In 1988 however, things have changed and the Blob finally becomes what we had all been hoping for: a giant sack of blood and guts. A Christmas tree of intestines!

It actually looked and felt repulsive which is perhaps what I loved most about this. It turned something slightly comical into something absolutely terrifying, while at the same time offering up an explanation for the blob's existence. In other words 1988's The Blob is the true meaning of a great remake. Taking something to be improved upon, making it better AND adding a little dash of originality.

Watching The Blob is like wanting to know how babies are made and then being shown a birthing video. When Steve McQueen and his lady friend were screaming about the blob and the blob was lazily rolling on top of people and "eating" them, we came to wonder "Hmm but what does that actually look like?". Then we were shown "the birthing video" and suddenly we regretted ever wanting to know. Seriously, have you ever been more disgusted and terrified then when you saw this?

And yes I was seriously debating whether or not to trick you and put a baby coming out of a vagina there. Consider yourselves lucky.

But really? It's quite possibly the best special effects and makeup I have ever seen in my life. The extent to which that blob was detailed--especially when it tended to spread out and look like an actual ball of guts and repulsiveness was astounding.

The live moving, action shots however well ehhh we'll just gloss over that for the time being.

Yet another fine point of recognition was how even though the blob typically kills through absorption--this blob killed with a surprising amount of versatility! People weren't just oozed on... people were fucking pulled down sink drains,

snapped in half,

and completely pulverized.

It was like a legitimate party for my eyes and face. Also notable however is the film's courage. Instead of showing the death of a poor defenseless cat (there were a few cats I should add) a little boy was eaten instead. Few films I think would try out that little experiment. It was especially shocking and at the same time immensely rewarding, as that little shit annoyed the crap out of me.

And then clearly The Blob cannot be talked about without mentioning Shawnee Smith. As I said before, she really surprised me. I was truly inspired when she grabbed that machine gun and started screaming things on top of that truck!

"Who was this person?" I thought to myself. Surely not the ever stoic and painfully dry host of Season 1 of Scream Queens. Well hot diggity dog it IS Shawnee! Yeah...you think I'm kidding but I'm serious, I really got a kick out of her performance and I'm a little surprised that it isn't talked about more. In fact, I think she just inspired a future post that I will make about chicks with guns.

Kevin Dillon on the other hand is ehh a little too ugly for me to care about.

But I did love how the lover boy football player was so rapidly taken care of. A true deviation from the original, where letterman jackets were in their prime. Once again 1988's Blob turns conventions on their heads while still managing to pay decent respect to the film that it owes its origins to. These kinds of remakes are very rare and it's time people started realizing what RESPECT is, fool.

I was shocked before I had even seen this that there was talk to remake a film that was already a remake. But you have no idea how completely appalled I am now. I imagine the driving force is to improve upon the live action blob that I glossed over. With the sudden out pour and peacock strutting that CGI is producing it is no wonder that someone wants to get a moving blob to look believable. I would also imagine that the government conspiracy theme is a driving force since a lot of people tend to hate the government--think The Crazies remake as well. Yes, I think the untrustworthy nature of the government is our country's latest big "fear", and therefore the latest new prototype of villain. But that doesn't mean you have to remake The Blob again. No siree......blob......!

Speaking of versatility I'm awarding this blob the Versatile Blobber award!

Sorry, I just couldn't resist.