Housebound: Awesome Subtitle is Too Spoilery

I'm having a really hard time coming up with a witty subtitle for this review. Everything I want to say that is perfect is also probably a major spoiler. So I think the best way to solve this is if everyone who hasn't seen this yet, go and watch it right now then come back.

I'll wait..............................

OK.

Good. Here are my awesome subtitles.

1. Is that you Ronald?

2. Bad Eugene.

3. I always feel like...somebody's watchin me.


Ugh now I feel like that was a lot of eager anticipation that probably made you underwhelmed. Sorry. The point is though. Housebound is awesome. So awesome that when I was finished watching it, I immediately ran to the rooftops and shouted it for all hear. The best part is--I had NO idea what I was getting into when I started watching it. I thought yeah OK ghosts....whatever maybe funny we'll see we'll see. But man. MAN!

The plot focuses on Kylie who after a botched ATM robbery is sentenced to house arrest at her childhood home with her mother. Here she understands that her mother's insistence on a ghost being in the house may not be far from the truth after all. And really what do you expect if you keep things like this in the basement?

The first thing you need to know about Housebound is that it is funny. It is very funny. But not in that hahaha jokes kind of way--more in that subtle John Landis kind of way where things just are funny. Don't be put off by the at times weird music cues. Sure, they are a little jarring and maybe not totally needed but overall I can wave those off because the actual humor is so good. There's a really good peeing scene for instance that had me realize just how few female peeing scenes there are and how we probably need more of them. Not in like a gross creepy way but why don't women ever get to pee on screen for comedic effect? Yes, this will be the leading lecture in my series entitled: Bathroom Humor. Where did you go?

There are also a good deal of jump scares which actually did make me a bit angry in the beginning. After I peed my pants twice in a row I figured the whole movie would be this unfair 'aha gotcha!' moment but again--after a while that all seems to just float away because you are enjoying yourself. And dare I say it, that after awhile the jump scares were kind of fun? Who am I?!

But really, the best best best thing about this movie are the turns it takes. As you've probably deduced by now (even though you should have all watched this and should know..) Housebound is not just a ghost story. There are levels of awesome. With a lot of movies that undertake this same multi-tier approach to genre. The excitement, or quality often decreases the further away we get from the original genre. The common misstep is when ghost stories devolve into psychological , 'just kidding the ghost was this crazy person who hallucinates things' turns. It makes you angry and for a brief moment I feared Housebound was going down that same route.

But fear not fear not---Housebound knows exactly what it's doing and how to preserve the awesome through every single turn it takes and that my friends is impressive.

I don't want to say much else here because I know that even though I asked you to stop reading and watch the movie first none of you probably did. So therefore now please, please go watch this right away. It's so much fun and it has heart. And.......a cheese grater scene. So please, run don't walk to your Netflix queue and watch this right now. NOW DAMN IT. If anyone would like to talk details on the awesome meet me in the comments section. K bye.

Rubber: Also Okay

I like to think I have a pretty open mind about things. Or at least I did until that day I flew on a plane next to a woman who was dunking her Doritos into a jar of Salsa and licking the cheese powder off her fingers. These days, any movie over an hour and a half long makes me cry and any movie that willingly confines itself to one particular thing makes me bite my fingers in nervous anticipation. As is usually the case, I come away liking these films despite how much my conscious assumes that I will hate them. Rubber however seemed like a different story.

The basic plot of Rubber is that a tire with a mind of its own goes rolling around the desert and kills some people. I'm all for switching things up of course, but for some reason every time I make a list of inanimate objects that I would like to see kill people for an hour and 30 minutes, a tire never makes the cut. It's not that I have anything against tires per say, but I do have something against boredom. However, people were oddly raving about this film. Many even mentioned how they never thought an entire movie about a tire could be interesting but here Rubber had done it.

Was it possible that I was wrong about Rubber? Was it possible that I gave up on it too soon and that maybe there was in fact some heart and soul hidden somewhere in that rubber tire? Only one way to find out.

As it turns out Rubber is okay. Maybe I'm just getting more cynical with every day that I'm not eating a delicious sandwich, but something about Rubber just wasn't a game changer for me. You should know before I get into things that Rubber isn't JUST about a tire rolling through the desert. There are other people involved and as it so happens the best part and character in the film happens to be the tire. Make of that what you will.

The movie does that thing that is cool to do these days where it flips conventions on its head. We start out by getting a lecture from a cop who points out that the movie we are about to see is deeply rooted in the "no reason" style of film making.

He uses examples like the color of E.T.'s skin, the romance in Love Story and something about Jewish people in Schindler's List...or was it the Pianist? Or both. Anyways, all of these examples didn't exactly say "no reason" to me, and maybe that's where I first became dubious of Rubber. E.T.'s skin is obviously brown because that colored complimented the rest of the colors in the film. You can't have a bright green alien in a drab and average looking suburban neighborhood right?

The thing about starting off by saying that your film is rooted in a no reason style of film making is that you've pretty much just set yourself up for an awesome way to defend any and all criticism coming your way. If someone blatantly states that everything in their film does not have a reason for being there, people can't make points about something about the plot not making sense. Of course it doesn't make sense---it's all nonsense! Nothing means anything. There is no reason for anything you are about to see. Do you see how annoying that kind of is to me?

At any rate, the other neat thing about Rubber is that there's this whole group of spectators watching the tire do his work.

They watch it as we are watching it and comment on things as we would comment on things. It provides a nice break from the monotony of the tire but then again, these parts weren't exactly hilarious or anything. It was different yes, but something about it annoyed me. Probably the fact that it made no sense and that while watching it I knew that I couldn't point it out as something that makes no sense because it's not supposed to. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

When all is said and done the thing about Rubber is that it is extremely original, well shot and contains some awesome, awesome special effects and gore.

No one will tell me how they made the tire roll by itself so I will assume that either A. someone wearing a green screen suit stood next to the tire and rolled it or B. the tire was really alive. Regardless, it looks pretty balling.

But once Rubber came and went through my senses, I realized that I didn't really feel too strongly for or against it. I appreciate it for what it did and how it did it. It's true---they really did accomplish something here by making a film about a tire not a complete waste of time. But ultimately, I just felt an overwhelming sense of meh. Some of the writing was excellent while some of it wasn't great. Some characters nailed their lines while other characters I wanted to hit over the head with a leg of lamb. It was all just a very up and down movie watching experience for me. I feel sad about it too because I know a lot of people really enjoyed this. Maybe it's one of those movies you have to watch with people and not alone on a Friday night while lamenting over the fact that CVS does not carry Ben and Jerry's Milk and Cookies. Yes, that must be it.

Slither: Well, Now That Is Some Fucked Up Shit

Slither was on my list of movies that I was ashamed to have never seen. There is of course no real answer for why this is other than laziness--or I guess because no really gave me a good reason to. There wasn't a whole lot of urgency in the matter, no one was constantly checking in to make sure I was on my way to watching it. The only real reason I chose to seek it out was because it often landed itself on lists of the best horror comedy hybrids in existence. As we know from my past disappointment with films like Dead Alive, I was dubious of Slither's overall charm. Luckily however---Slither remains nestled safely and grotesquely in the camp of films like Return of the Living Dead, Tremors and Cemetery Man. Films where there is no strong divider between the laughs and the thrills. Films where the horror is just as prominent as the laughter--and that my friends is the mark of a truly brilliant horror comedy.

I wasn't technically a horror fan when Slither came out, but from what I read online it seems as though there was a huge backlash against the film in its early stages of promotion. Many claimed the film was a rip off of Night of the Creeps causing many to proclaim it as nothing but unoriginal and lazy. James Gunn (who I will never stop calling Tim Gunn) however professed that Slither was more inspired by the likes of Shivers and The Brood. Still though, you can't really move away from that whole, alien parasite in a meteor that turns people into zombies thing. But more on that later.

For now, a plot. After a meteor thing crashes into the small town of Wheelsy, Grant Grant gets turned into an alien slug monster. After impregnating a woman with zillions of slug aliens, Grant soon spreads his "seed" into nearly every resident of Wheelsy, turning them into slave-like zombie manifestations of his own self.

It's true that while the initial landing of the alien is very Night of the Creeps, Slither really does stay much truer to Shivers and the Brood. Not to mention that the film also somehow manages to cram in a horror reference in nearly every single frame. My favorites of course being the R.J. Macready funeral home.

and the Earl Bassett High School.

Earl. YES!

I fucking love Earl, did I mention that?

It is refreshing to see Tremors being shouted at, since the tone in Slither is very similar to it. By that I mean, both Slither and Tremors feel like mostly horror movies with just very good writing--as opposed to horror movies with highly intentional funny dialogue. There needs to be more of that these days. Being funny isn't something you should have to try at it--it should just come naturally, and not a lot of people tend to realize this. The humor is very blunt in Slither and I like that. They aren't coming up with funny ways to describe something being fucked up--character's instead just say, "That is fucked up"--because it IS.

In any case, whether or not Slither is a tribute to gory, funny movies of yesteryear---doesn't mean that Slither isn't in its own right a very, very good film. I was constantly laughing, I was a little scared AND I was a little sad. Plus, no one told me that Henry Portrait of a Serial Killer was Grant,

I always assumed the main alien guy was the mayor.

My bad.

Also, THANKS The Office fans for not telling me that Pam Beesley is what else--the police secretary. Talk about being type casted.

The film is also just very well done in a wide variety of things. Pacing, storyline, acting, writing. The only thing that really lags is the CGI work but this is something I think I can forgive...only not that ending explosion. I can't forgive that.

I guess what I love most about Slither is how it builds up such a great sense of suffocation. This is most notable in the house scene which features a very prominent shout out to Barbara Steele's bathtub scene in Shivers.

I could rave on and on about this particular scene forever because it was really, REALLY well done. It also reminded me of the scene in Arachnophobia where all the little spiders take over the house.

It's one of those moments where you simply cannot anticipate that anyone will make it out alive. The situation seems so dire and so hopeless. The realization that the girl's entire family had been turned was also oddly sad. Mainly this is when she finally gets into her younger sisters' room and sees them writhing on the bed. This in a way goes back to that scene in The Blob remake, where the little boy gets killed down in the sewers. It's like we don't expect, the children not to make it and when they do--it's like a big stamp of SERIOUS all up in your face. For some reason when children are touched in horror films, it feels like all bets are off.

I also give props to Slither for just being really fucking gross. I must tell you, I have seen pictures of that gigantic lady in the barn and I think I may have even seen the clip. In context however, that scene is very, very disgusting.

As is the ending unveil of Grant in a Society-like giant blob of people and grossness.

Grant's face is also a wonderful display of yuck.

But it's also worth pointing out that the entirety of Slither is not made up of solely gross out gore.

So I loved Slither, that much we can see. If there was one thing I could change about it though, it would be the overly zombie-fied actions of the turned. Call me a zombie racist if you want, but I just don't see why they suddenly had to turn all weird, and shuffle and drag their feet when they walked.

They are not zombies, they didn't die, their brains just got taken over by the Grant monster. There was something about this that really turned me off. In the beginning, it seemed more like those that ingested the slugs were more like pod people. There was something off with them and slowly but surely they begin to physically fall apart. But then somewhere down the line, they all just changed into zombies, and so I ask, why? Is there any real need for this, aside from the fact that it appeals to the million and 5 people that love zombies? Couldn't the Brood angle have been played up more so here? Maybe I'm just crotchety because I'm racist against zombies...

Well anyways, I still love Slither and I'm sad more people weren't urging me to see it sooner. It's a fine example of a horror comedy done right, and a horror comedy that manages to supply its viewer with more than enough scares and thrills. Characters are funny and likable and we end up caring about them even though they have really annoying southern accents. Man, Slither---ya done good.

Cemetery Man: By Keeping Things the Same, We Can Change More Effectively.

At first I wasn't sure what to think about Cemetery Man. My mind teetered between awesome, okay and slightly on the slow side. I was also still finding it hard to swallow that Kyle Maclachlan was NOT the Cemetery Man. Don't blame me, blame Netflix and their fuzzy pictures of DVD covers. No I don't read details, details are for chumps!

I found the film to be surprisingly surreal and an almost classier and smarter version of the brand of humor found so commonly in films like Evil Dead II and Dead Alive. These feelings of indecision lasted all the way up until the very last frame. Somewhere between meh and yeah!, I had fallen for the mysterious power that exists so strangely beneath the surface of what I had originally anticipated as a typical zombie comedy.

When I first read the synopsis of Cemetery Man I immediately, as I so often do, began creating a version of what I thought the film would be like. Here is what I thought: I thought one day Rupert Everett was just a normal caretaker of a graveyard. I figured that one day for whatever reason, people started rising from their graves. Then of course I figured that Rupert Everett would just spend the rest of the film killing zombies. Oh how both wrong and right I was.

You see, Cemetery Man is largely about returning. The word zombies is replaced with the word "returners" and Francesco Dellamorte comes to stand for a returner as well. He is plagued with the idea of returning. Call it a Sisyphean cycle if you will--but Francesco seems to exist for the sole purpose of defending the cemetery from zombies. The returns don't stop there however, because Francesco's own personal hell involves the constant return of his one true love. She returns to him in different forms and there is always something funny about sex going on.

And whimsy little blue lights too.

Yes, there is a surprising amount of layering going on in Cemetery Man that I find to be quite tantalizing. Cemetery Man is also one of those films that people tend to get all uppity about regarding theories. Some believe that the line between reality and dreams is blurred once Francesco shoots his returning love for the very first time. An honorable theory as one can easily see how strangely surreal everything gets after that. Is it after that event, that Francesco's grip on reality really starts to crumble? Definitely. But what can we deduce about the route that the strange dream world goes? The good thing is--the possiblities are endless.

You could probably sit and think up about 10 different theories here that would all somehow end up working and making sense. I dig those kinds of movies. I also dig the fact that Cemetery Man creeps up on you and suddenly blinds you with intelligence at its end. This reminds me of the way I felt after watching Blood Simple. It was like I had been sitting there, entirely unmoved by anything and then BOOM. Some image, some final parting shot made me slap my head and exclaim, "Ooooh". A sudden burst of understanding and an immense appreciation for what I just saw.

Kubrick Stare?

Cemetery Man is NOT your typical zombie comedy but it contains subtle traces of class. Yes there is gore and yes there are utterly hysterical moments, but the film doesn't dwell on any one throughout its duration. My problem with Dead Alive and even Evil Dead II for me (emphasis on FOR ME. ) was that it did dwell on one of those two things for far too much of the film. Cemetery Man however is smart and you know that it's smart because it's Italian........and also because........it's smart.

It's one of those movies that on first glance seems very odd. There's a lot of questionable things happening that do little to ease the frustration of not knowing what the fuck is going on. You'll encounter things that are completely outrageous and awesome and so strange all at the same time (the hospital scene cough).

It's at these points in the film that you start truly realizing that Cemetery Man knows more than it's letting on. It's got depth---and I just still can't get over that last shot. It means so much thinking. It makes me want to instantly go back and then buy a chalkboard and start writing insane theories on it. By the way--I miss chalkboards. Wasn't clapping the erasers outside one of the staples of becoming a person in elementary school? Didn't it allow for bonding time and secret sharing? And now these dry erase boards think they can just come on in and steal people's childhoods? Gah.

Sorry.

Where was I? Oh yes. Cemetery Man has its ups and downs but ultimately, at least in my head, it's a gigantic up. I just find it to be such a refreshing take on the zombie comedy genre. It's got meat on its bones and isn't all about the splatter and gross out count. That rocks. I also like the fact that Rupert Everett is like Bruce Campbell but with a thinner neck (which is exactly the part that I don't like about Bruce Campbell. Plus, he's British. Win and win).

I mean, there's just so much to like. The way that Francesco so effortlessly shoots zombies in the head. How the zombies aren't even the real threat--the real threat is inside Francesco's head. The threat is himself? His insecurities about being impotent? His regret at never forming a true relationship with the women he immediately fell in love with? It's almost as if the zombies are just the chorus, while Francesco is the star. Sure the zombies ARE ridiculously awesome and at times ridiculously hilarious,

but unlike Dead Alive--that's not all there is.

Man, I could blab on and on about what I liked about Cemetery Man--and to think I was on the fence about it until that frickin snow globe. OH and BOY SCOUT ZOMBIES?

YES.

Final verdict is, Cemetery Man pulled the rug out from under me. I was not prepared to actually find meaning and intelligence in such a film but lo and behold---it lives. Now I need to go and dissect everything so I can make my own theories and sound all smart and stuff. Wish me luck.

Dead End

I forget where I first heard about Dead End...but I remember reading about it and saying YES that looks good. Maybe it was the cover art that sold me, or perhaps I just love how many horror movies have the title Dead End in it... regardless--I wanted to see this. And see it I did.

A family is off to celebrate the holidays, but when the father decides to take a short cut off the interstate things start to get spooky. After picking up a strange woman in white holding a baby, the family soon finds that they are trapped in a ghostly, creepy stretch of road that just doesn't seem to have an end to it.

Dead End is one of those highly aggravating movies like Triangle where you too must endure the plight of being trapped in a nightmare. We never get to see what's happening "out there" outside of where are characters are, and it fills us with a very uneasy sort of vibe. Unlike Triangle though, Dead End's ultimate end--is somewhat predictable. At least I could see it coming a mile away, and so should anyone who is used to these types of movies. Dead End however accomplishes a lot on its apparently small budget. There isn't a lot shown in terms of graphic gore and the like and I must say, I found it oddly refreshing. Here is a great example of a film that uses its budget to its advantage.

The film is filled with a lot of understated creepiness that really does wonders.

The lone baby carriage in the road for instance, the whispers caught on the air, the consistent arrival of the black hearse--the elements of scare were quite well done. And none of them I should add, required any kind of smoke and lights magic. It literally was just a baby carriage, but its random appearance makes it creepy. And also--I find that I'm oddly creeped out by those old fashioned baby carriages. Dolls, Ghostbusters II, man I hate those bastard carriages.

Dead End also has a highly comedic air to it however. It was at times a bit annoying--although only when it was the son doing the jokes, but for the most part I found the comedic aspect to be quite unusual. There was a very good timing about it that made it seem absurd, yet strangely fitting. The important thing of course though is that the movie retains its creep factor while still being quite funny. It's the sort of balance that I greatly appreciate as I find so many schlocky comedic horrors to be fully centered on the dumb humor as opposed to the scares.

The ending seems to have a lot of people torn. I think it opens the door for a lot of questions. Clearly there isn't just one way to interpret the film and yet people think they have it all down. I've got news for you though--no matter what you think, none of the pieces will all fit together. Some find this to be a major problem with the film as a whole, but I kind of like it. I like trying to put the pieces together and not finding them all isn't necessarily a deal breaker for me. The subject matter in fact is something that is not really explored--meaning it's kind of impossible to explore as far as real life goes. In my opinion, the clouded ending fits in nicely in the overall scheme of things. Sure I may have seen most of it coming, but I didn't necessarily see everything and that to me was nice.

Give Dead End a shot. It's a nice creepy little movie that has some classic comedic moments and some truly unsettling moments. It freaked me out a few times and that's good enough for me. It's impressive for what it accomplishes without showing very much although I am still questioning the urgency for masturbating in the woods--but whatevs.

Dead Alive: Always Remember: After Watching Dead Alive, Wait 20 Minutes Before Eating.

Dead Alive is another film that I had been purposely avoiding for many of the same reasons as Evil Dead II. In fact, my seeing it was due to a mistake on my part for not checking my Netflix queue. Since my top 7 movies or so were all "Long waits" the next on the list was in fact Dead Alive. Now, it's not that I don't appreciate entertaining, goofy gory films-- but Dead Alive just always seemed like a movie I never wanted to see, at the risk of being grossed out for the duration of the day. Granted I have sat through a few of the most disturbing films known to man, but even those films aren't disgusting the entire time. Dead Alive in my opinion goes above and beyond any film that claims it is "extremely violent and gory" and even films like Saw cannot compete with the sheer level of disgust and oozing splendor of guts and that sticky goo stuff as found in Dead Alive. I would actually LOVE to see some of the younger Saw fans watch Dead Alive and see what happens...hmmm that would be an amazing experiment. Quick somebody do it.

Initially my knowledge of Dead Alive was misinformed due to its box cover.

Much like Monkey Shines, I had lived a great portion of my life creating in my head what I thought the movie was about due to this cover. What I thought was of course very wrong. All these years I thought Dead Alive was about a weird skeleton monster that lived inside of people's mouths! The 90s had a few kinks in the marketing ploys I think.

In any case, Dead Alive is not about a skeleton monster that lives inside people's mouths, it's about zombies. When an extremely disgusting rat monkey makes its way to the zoo,

it bites the arm of Lionel Cosgrove's overly protective and strict mother. She soon starts literally falling apart and before long becomes a flesh eating, rotting zombie. In his attempt to prevent himself from becoming a murderer, Lionel does everything he can to keep his mother from doing harm to others. Unfortunately his best efforts do little to prevent a full fledged zombie attack from hitting their tiny town.

I can very much appreciate a film like Dead Alive or Evil Dead II, because they are largely entertaining, staples of the horror genre. For many they are snippets of people's childhoods, and survive as foundations for their future love of horror. Probably owing to the fact that I am not seeing these films until now--I find that I have a hard time taking anything away from them. Yes, they are entertaining, and they are wildly hilarious at certain points but overall I just kind of feel like I'm watching something much too senseless. While the party scene and lawn mower massacre are vital parts of the movie, I just feel like it drags on.

This is what is unappealing to me. I've seen the bits of hilariously gory gore, and I just don't want to see it for a full 25 minutes or however long that scene runs on.

Am I any less of a horror fan because I don't love senseless gore shoved in my face for the duration of the film? Some will I'm sure say yes--and to them I say stuff it. I don't like movies that only have over the top gore and I'm not sure I ever will. I do however love atmosphere, and ghosts, and...beautiful blood and OTHER things. So I am still very much a horror fan alright?!!

Aside from the fact that I didn't love it, I will say that it's going to be very difficult to wash the visions of all that gore out of my eyes. I know it holds records for the most blood used and all that, but when you see it all coming at you like hurricane--it really puts things into perspective. Every single shot of gore, was different from the previous one. Everything is insanely creative, and so amazingly disgusting it's almost impossible to believe. The whole entire time is spent just going, "ewww". What is it about the gore that gets to people's gag reflexes in this? I think it has something to do with how thick the guts are. It's not just a vat of fake blood...it's like a horrible mixture of cottage cheese and mucus. Yup. that's it.

A lot of people talk about the dinner scene and I must say I have never seen anything quite as repulsive as a giant pus wound being squirted into a man's custard. Good lord, that mother was a giant blob of vomit. The best part perhaps is that she was even disgusting when she wasn't a rotting zombie. And then there is of course the end scene which most unfortunately puts the rotting old lady boobs from The Shining in 2nd place in the most disgusting old lady boobs contest. Yes, the winner is Lionel's giant skeleton rat mother's enormous, saggy, purple nipple boobs. Quite frankly---the most horrifying thing I have seen in my lifetime.

I will also say that a zombie baby is amazing, and that the zombie woman who got stuck on the light bulb was hands down my favorite part.

She was like some kind of glorious Christmas decoration illuminating the scene with true wonder. I'll be needing one of those in my bedroom. Oh and also, thank GOD I can sleep soundly knowing exactly what zombie sex is like.

Overall, Dead Alive is an astounding feat of gore and guts as well as a full on comedic romp. For me however that's all it really has going for it, and it's just not enough to win my heart over. It's too silly for me. I'll take my comedy horror hybrids with an extra dose of legitimate scare--see The Return of the Living Dead or even Tremors for more info. Maybe that is my biggest problem with Dead Alive. The aspect of the zombies was never anything scary--just gross. Perhaps the infatuation with zombies as being un-scary can be related to the infatuation with vampires being romanticized. Zombies and Vampires should always be scary. Sure they can still be funny and romantic, but something about them must retain their horror--otherwise I get bored.

Well, this sums up my thoughts.