The Human Centipede: Meh.

I approached The Human Centipede with a kind of dread similar to Titanic. You're facing something inevitable and sitting through the first VHS is fun yet, agonizing because you know what will happen. In Titanic this moment is when the ship hits the iceberg. In The Human Centipede this moment is when the Japanese man has to take a poop. The idea of eating poop has never been fun for me (see Salo for more information), but one has to wonder, what kind of person am I for willingly sitting through this? Just a curious one I think.

I'm sure you've heard the plot by now. Crazy German surgeon guy deeply desires to create the triple siamese twin effect- or "the human centipede". He kidnaps 2 American girls and one Japanese man and creates his masterpiece. Working on a seemingly endless batch of anesthesia, he connects a mouth to anus, anus to mouth and then basks in it's glory.

I'll start off by saying that the two actresses in this, were pretty atrocious. I would rather sit through the bad writing and emo-like tones of the new Nightmare on Elm Street kids than listen to these two. Everything they said sounded so unnatural, possibly due to bad writing--but it was honestly the most distracting thing I've ever seen. I was glad when their mouths finally got sewn to a butt so they would shut up. Smart move on the director's part I think.

Now for the moment you've all been waiting for--shock value! Honestly, I've seen worse. Sure you get a few moments of fleeting nausea but the big pay off falls flat. The goriest parts are the brief clips of the surgery, and a nice little pus segment. It felt more like I was watching people who just had their heads tied to someone's butt instead of being surgically put there--ya dig? It didn't feel or look very real to me--except when they had to climb the stairs. That part I think was strangely one of the most difficult to watch scenes out of the whole thing. And I'm sorry if I just didn't understand how the surgery worked but man, was I lost. It's way more complicated than I thought and if they say it's 100% surgically accurate then I guess we have to believe them but...I don't believe them!

Here's my biggest problem with this flicka-roo. It verges on the boring side and the gore isn't enough to make up for it. By the time we see the human centipede in action, the film is only halfway done. What are we supposed to do now? Oh right, watch the crazy German guy treat them like a pet and see how they painfully walk around...20 times. I'm not sure why this happens--not enough build up? An exhaustion of some absolutely insane ideas? A combination of several factors I'm sure, but for the most part I felt like I wasn't getting enough of a pay off for wanting to watch this film. I wasn't really shocked, I was only a little grossed out, and I wasn't really wowed by anything in particular. So what's the big deal?

Maybe I've finally become desensitized to horrible acts of violence and gore on screen. Perhaps many of you will prove me wrong in my thinking--but I'm telling you, I wasn't that impressed. Now if the goal of this film merely was for shock value, I think it definitely fell flat. If it was for something bigger, perhaps I missed it. There is something interesting to be seen in the way that the crazy doctor picks his subjects. Dismissing the white truck driver for not matching and then selecting instead, a Japanese man. The way that there always seems to be a miscommunication of some sort, most obviously with the language barriers. And I think something can be said for what the character's do not know-- in terms of what another character is saying. The Japanese man's speech, the creepy German guy in the car are all things that only one character knew about, the character who was doing the speaking. It's an interesting concept, but one that may not be explored enough, or even one that was crushed beneath the promised shock and gore that unfortunately I felt we did not entirely receive.

Oh and by the way, what's the big deal about a flat tire? I drove on one for a whole day once without knowing and I got along just fine. Got yelled at by the AAA guy and felt like an idiot, but at LEAST I didn't get sewn to someone's ass.

Overall check this out--even if you aren't the biggest fan of these types of movies. It's not as bad as you may think- and you may get something out of it that I missed and you HAVE to tell me what it is.

Hostel II: It's a Blood Bath... Hah

I expected to hate this one a lot more than I actually did. In fact, it is very possible that I enjoyed this much more than the first. My first thoughts within the very first moments of the film were that I hated it. Why bring Paxton back at all if you're just going to dispose of him in the lamest of ways? It felt like his sole purpose was to make this movie a part of Hostel rather than a sequel, and that's just manipulation! Once Paxton was disposed of however things got more interesting.

The change of sex in the main characters was very intriguing. I figured we would only be met with brutality and rape, but it turns out the girls are more powerful than the men, and know how to use their money wisely at that. While Hostel continues to portray Europe in a highly unfavorable light, it does it affectively as I continue to avoid ever going to eastern europe and staying in a hostel. Especially a hostel where that creepy guy is at the front desk.

It was fun to see that nothing had changed from the first. Still the same old Hostel, and the same old derelict factory- only we get to see different sides of it- and in addition to that a different side of the elite hunting company in general. I did find myself wondering however, why miss blood bather got such a nice spread when everyone else got the standard meat torturing chamber look. Oh well different strokes for different folks.

The blood bath scene was pretty amazing. I honestly didn't think Eli had it in him to make such a moving scene. The blood turned excessive kind of quickly as I would have enjoyed a much more artful dousing of it, but other than that it was a very thoughtful and original sort of kill. Bijou Phillips' character on the other hand- bit of a gyp there. Viktor Krum's sequence was very stomach turning and felt like a total throwback to Hostel where I received no pleasure from watching what was unfolding on screen. Perhaps the girls just always reign supreme.

The ending was very enjoyable to watch and I'm glad things ended the way they did because I was very worried for a second there that the whole twist and character reversal would ruin things. Overall I enjoyed the way the beginning showed all the businessmen bidding on the girls sometimes in the comfort of their own homes and even next to their family. I also liked how the movie wasn't just a regurgitation of the previous movie only with different characters. I thought it brought things to another level that was both satisfying and exciting.

While I didn't enjoy the beginning, or the lord of the rings type music that played when the two businessmen were walking to their rooms, I was still pleasantly surprised. I don't entirely enjoy these movies because they still make me feel all gross and barfy feeling-but needless to say, I am thrilled that my secret crush was able to make this movie somewhat enjoyable to me- a self proclaimed Hostel hater. Thank you Eli, you have proven me wrong.

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Martyrs: I Got Nothing Witty To Say.

When I polled some of my twitter friends as to what movie or scene made you crap your pants the most; nearly everyone said Martyrs. I was confused, how had I never heard of this movie!? I immediately moved it up on my netflix queue, brought it to the Cape to enjoy on my sister's wedding weekend, opted out of a lovely night of drinking with Irish men, and watched it. Sometimes when watching movies on my computer I will admit I pull up another tab and take a few jaunts on facebook while watching. But with Martyrs...I have never been so focused in all my life. Even when my slightly drunken sister came up to talk to me during the last 5 minutes of the movie- I slapped her and told her to leave immediately.

When the movie was over I had the strange urge to cry hysterically and dance for joy. I felt like I had a purpose in life and at the same time needed to gouge my eyes out. It's a paradox of extreme measures and I had to sit in silence and digest what I had just seen for at least an hour. Some people on the IMDB message board began their posts with "just another senseless torture porn" and what I have to say to them is, "are you fucking nuts?" Never in my life have I watched such a meaningful and justified horror film. This film transcends Hostel and Saw a million times and back. Everything that those films and various others films tried to do but failed- Martyrs successfully delivered!

The movie opens with Lucie having just escaped from the place where she was tortured. Her hair is shaved off, she's in her underwear and she's running with such heavy footsteps and terror in her eyes you would swear this was real. Lucie is found and brought to really relaxed kind of mental asslyum for children. Here she meets her friend Anna and often sees a very scary wild woman come into her room and inflict her with all sorts of pain.

Next up a lovely family is enjoying breakfast. Everything seems fine and dandy and we hear the doorbell. The father opens the door to find Lucie pointing a shotgun straight at his heart. Without warning she fires, the mother comes running she shoots her, she shoots the entire family- blood is sprayed across nearly every inch of the house. But it's OK- it's justified. We find that Lucie finally found those who tortured her all those years ago- the mother and father of the family. She calls Anna and tells her she found them, Anna rushes over and is aghast at what she's found. There's this amazing moment of disbelief where you aren't sure if Lucie was right. This seems like such a normal family, who literally showed no signs of understanding why they were being massacred. This feeling doesn't go away until Anna finds a secret passageway to the basement- and what she finds is completely and utterly terrifying.

The family is part of a highly organized and extremely scary cult that seeks to find the answer to the ultimate question of whether or not there is an afterlife. They've found evidence of girls who have been on the brink of death- scientifically they should be dead- but yet they remain alive with a certain look of enlightenment in their eyes. They have reached martyrdom- they have transcended. This is what the cult aims to discover. They kidnap women, torture them for however long, and just barely keep them alive- all to find out if they will transcend and confirm the presence of an afterlife. Pretty shady stuff. So basically this family had a girl locked up in the basement- probably unbeknownst to the son and daughter. Can you believe it? It's probably the most terrible thing I can imagine.

I can't keep talking about the plot but I will just say that this movie keeps you enthralled until the very last second. So much happens in a matter of minutes it's truly unbelievable what this movie accomplishes. The violence is nauseating yes- but it is so so so necessary. The horror of the situation is accented and facilitated by the presence of this extreme gore. It has to be at that level or the entire point of the movie would be lost. At times it was hard to watch and endure- but I couldn't not watch it.

The ending is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. The emotion that comes out of Anna is incredible. I truly couldn't believe that what I was watching was a movie and not actually happening. Every moment in this movie was unbelievably realistic. I'm still having trouble digesting all of it. I could write a 50 page paper on this movie and still not cover everything I would need to talk about.

I'll just say that this is not a movie to miss if you are a horror fan. If you can't watch gore- don't- although why are you even reading this blog but WHATEVER. I'm sure everyone has seen this movie except me- but if you haven't you must watch it ASAP.

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I Would Have Requested a Less Rusty Saw.

Oooh Saw....the horror movie franchise that will never die. I suppose I see the appeal for those gore obsessed blood loving horror fans- but this movie was really less upsetting than I thought it would be.

Ok so there's a saw. We know this much. We know the saw will probably have to be used at some point. But the question remains...for what exactly? Westley wakes up chained by the foot in some derelict standard creepy basement place. There's also some other guy chained and what appears to be a dead guy on the floor. Blah blah blah after an hour of hopelessness and failed attempts to break free plus some flashbacks about the sick bastard responsible- Westley has to cut his foot off in order to save his family's life or some lame crap.

Maybe I'm being unfair but I was really disappointed in this one. Of course disappointment is not a strong enough word after I found out there will be like 20+ sequels...ugh. But really what is the whole movie based on? It's all about how far can the special effects and make up go to gross us out. There's nothing artistic, nothing special about it, just an excuse to gain Exorcist barf bag fame- which it will never do. The gore? Not as much of it as I thought there would be. The shots are too quick there isn't anything torturing the viewer in the same way that the person being tortured is. And I guess the real horror of these movies is putting yourself in the same situation. Would you really cut open your eye to get a key out to unlock some crazy death device? And what do you really have to gain if you win one of Jigsaws games? Oh right you get to come back in the sequel as his woman slave. Sweet.

I don't know I just wasn't really affected by this at all. I was much much more scarred after watching Hostel. And let's get serious if Westley was really handed a saw and told to cut off his foot he would obviously say "As You Wish" and suck it up and just friggin do it.

Jigsaw is an okay villain I guess. But I don't buy his whole making people grateful for their lives crap. Yeah let's strap you to a death mask and see how you handle the situation. I Guess I'm just over the whole how far can we go to gross someone out deal. Gore doesn't make a good horror movie-it's how the movie affects you after you see it and what kind of "horror" it truly leaves you with and Saw left me feeling whomp whomp... LAME. Anyone agree? The ultimate overrated horror movie in my opinion.

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What Psycho Did For Showers, Hostel Did For Vacationing To Eastern Europe.

I am not a huge fan of the increasing fad of "torture horror" films. I saw Hostel one night and Saw as well just to say that I did it. I don't enjoy the films because it's such a feeling of pointlessness to me. Give me story-lines and artistic blood patterns, villains with depth and heroes that aren't just dumb big boobed bimbos. But I digress. Hostel while in the torture genre is still a rather disturbing bit of film.

3 backpackers are in Europe doing the usual sex club, brothel thing. They meet a gross looking kid who claims there is a brothel filled with beautiful woman who will do whatever you want. The boys are captivated and go to the city. The stay in hostel with 2 seemingly perfect slave girls who tempt the boys into going to the spa and then having sex. What a vacation. The next morning their foreign pal goes missing but they receive a text from him with a strange picture of his head and a smokestack behind it saying he has left. We soon find his head is decaptitated. The boys decide to leave but somehow end up at the disco with the weird girls anyways. They are both drugged and Josh goes back to the hostel and Paxton gets locked in some kind of alleyway or something strange. Paxton wakes up and finds Josh gone. Josh has been tortured and killed by the Dutch business man they met earlier in the film on the train. Paxton decides to go to the weirdo slut girls and find out some info. They tell him they will take him to his friend.

They pull up at an old factory. Paxton goes in and sees room after room of people being tortured and killed. Then he gets attacked by some burly men and he too is put into a room undergoing a nauseating scene of torture. Paxton manages to kill his torturer and escape in the end committing a violent payback against the dutch business man who tortured and killed Josh.

The thing about this movie that makes me feel the most grossed out, is just the environment. Eastern europe is not given a very good name these days and this film certainly doesn't help. The disgusting atmosphere of the factory just makes me feel very uneasy. The torture scenes weren't as bad as I expected them to be, but the after scenes of the burly men chopping up bodies and hosing down bloody tables I think is more difficult to watch.

It is valiant the way that Paxton escapes and his payback at the end is very satisfying. The scene where he makes it into the locker room and dons a businessman's suit is also especially creepy. He talks with a man waiting to torture his victim and seeks advice from Paxton on how he should do it. Paxton suggests he make it quick as possible. Of course we later find that man taking a blow torch to an Asian girls eye so obviously he didn't listen.

But this idea of business men paying absurd amounts of money to kill someone is very creepy. Eli Roth says that his inspiration for the film came when he came across a Thai website giving patrons the ability to torture and kill someone for $10,000. That alone is terrifying and this movie only brings that terror further into your consciousness.

So all in all I think it one of the better torture movies although I still would pass up watching it again. Something about it just makes me feel sick, and I really don't think it's the gore.

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