Random Creepy Sh*t!

I'm not allowed to swear in my blog titles anymore because my Mom put my blog on her newspaper's website. Sigh, nepotism. Hopefully a swear with an asterisk in the middle will be OK for any people that do not approve of swear words in blog titles. However, when you're dealing with creepy shit, you really just have to throw caution to the wind and deal with it, am I right?

So listen. I like to think I have a fairly high threshold as far as being scared of things goes. Well OK as far as being scared of things in movies. Wait--who am I kidding? I'm afraid of almost everything. I think I just confused the fact that I'm not squeamish about gore with being courageous in real life. Drats! OK OK, starting over.

I am really, really good at seeing something that other people would deem as being 'normal' and then making a fuss about how creepy it is. I can take your average say--piece of lettuce and say WHOA this is scary because whenever I bit into a thick piece of lettuce I imagine a disgusting, toxic, mutant slug monster will be inside of it.

So that's why I'm treating you on this Tuesday to a list of random creepy shit. Shit that is creepier than your average creepy shit. And creepy shit that in turn makes me pee a little in fright and uncomfortable-ness.


Puppet Hands

Fuck puppet hands. I've probably talked about this before but in this current state of our world, I find it necessary to once again hammer home the danger of puppet hands. Puppet hands are gross. Puppet hands are usually small and shiny and resemble human hands. Which is VERY upsetting when said puppet is not a human but a duck or something...... not that I speak from experience or anything..............OK OK once I received a duck marionette as a gift and it had gross shiny mini puppet hands and I was so distraught I threw it in my closet and never looked back. Terrible thing....puppet hands.


Whales

Whoever decided that aquatic mammals with very large mouths were something that you should go on a boat and view, is not my friend. I do not like water and things in the water that decide the moment when you least expect it, is the right moment to pop out and terrify you. Yes, sharks may be my number one water fear, but whales come in a close second. Probably because they are really big, and I get really creeped out when something is bigger than it should be. I think it's a perception thing. I once had a picture book of a girl who went on a fishing boat with her dad and saw a whale. In the illustration the whale tale was like....way too big for a whale to ever have. Which in turn, made the whale into a kind of gigantic sea monster. Except the whole point of the book is 'ohh look at the whales and their majestic life force of happiness and peace'. Fuck. That. Whales can suck it.

Long Fingernails on (Evil) Men

Despite the fact that evil men are usually creepy---I have a really hard time adjusting my creepiness meter when an evil man also has very long, very gross fingernails. It's like getting punched in the stomach and then punched in the face. I should point out that I'm not creeped out by evil women with long fingernails not because I'm sexist but because it's not uncommon for women to have long fingernails. What IS uncommon is for you to buy a box of cereal at the convenience store down the street and to pass the cashier money and then notice his uncommonly long fingernails. Very upsetting. Which therefore caused me to add the (Evil) in parentheses because I've recently decided that all men with long fingernails should be avoided. Lest you end up like this.

Cat Hairballs and the Hairball Wheeze

Cat hairballs are one of the great mysteries of our time. Personally, I think the name should be changed to poop-balls because they look like a piece of poop. The first time it happened, I was dismayed to find that my sweet cat had defied me once more by pooping in my room but then as I cleaned it, I realized it was just a disgusting mass of fur, shaped to mimic a piece of a poop because cats are devious like that.

Almost as frightening, is the noise a cat makes when it's forming the hairball. Not the regurgitating noise mind you...this is the hairball wheeze and it usually happens at least a full day before the hairball ever makes it's appearance. The noise is not all too different from how it would sound if a lost and frightened old man climbed through your bedroom window and then had an asthma attack.

It's not something you want to experience in the middle of the night, when your alone, sad, and vulnerable.

Blame it on the Creeper

Jeepers Creepers and I have a very complicated relationship. He's my friend (and lover when I've had too much of the wine) but more often than not, we seem to get into these insanely ridiculous fights. The ones where you just keep bringing up these trite points that have nothing to do with anything but then again when you think about it, it's those moments and those trite points that really come to make so much sense. I had one of those moments yesterday after watching 30 minutes of Jeepers Creepers. I realized that even though Jeepers Creepers can be entertaining when it wants to be, the film and I will never be great friends because the Creeper makes no sense in the grand scheme of life. And it really messes with me!

Let's lay down the facts first.

1. The Creeper is a demon who wreaks havoc in rural Florida every 23rd year for 23 days.

2. He wreaks havoc by killing people and taking their body parts.

3. He uses these body parts to form parts of his own body.

4. He can smell fear.

So that's the basic layout of the Creeper but anyone who has actually watched the movie can hopefully join me in screaming WHY DOES HE DRIVE A TRUCK? and also other stuff that makes no sense.

Listen, The Creeper. If you're some big crazy demon who can fly and do all sorts of scary demon stuff---why are you blending into society by driving an old beat up truck and wearing man clothes? The Creeper goes from being an all powerful, unwoundable (I made that word up) beast to a paranoid serial killer who feels the need to burn the evidence of his killings to the ground. I mean really? Was he worried they were going to find some incriminating evidence? Line him up for identification and give him the death sentence?

(Oh wait I meant INDESTRUCTIBLE. Silly me. Woundable...)

I just don't get it.

So because I like bullet points and/or numbered lists of unimportant "facts" I will spell out my frustrations right now.

1. How did The Creeper learn how to drive?

I hate to break it to you but learning how to drive can be difficult. At least it was for me when I found out that driving up a hilly stone driveway means holding onto the wheel tight and not hitting a tree. I just have a really hard time believing that The Creeper woke up one day after 23 years, got into a truck and started driving.

He's got crazy demon hands and demon feet---and sure he's an erractic driver but have you seen his control? That truck cannot have great suspension but man, does he know how to manuever it. Yup. Like I said. Not buying it.... The Creeper.

2. A Vanity Plate!?

As if that wasn't enough, The Creeper also feels the need to get a vanity plate for his demon truck. Again, I find it hard to believe that either A. The demon stumbled upon a vanity plate that perfectly spelled out his M.O. or that B. He went to the DMV to register this vanity plate or C. The license plate randomly spelt out those letters and he just got extremely lucky.

3. Why ruin your life's work?

I still will never understand why after discovering that Darry had been in his secret lair, The Creeper panics and torches the place. It's not like the police would have found it and then been on the look out for a crazy demon. No, they would be on the look out for a serial killer who was crazy. Trust me The Creeper, you would not be a suspect because to everyone except Darry--you do not exist.

Plus, why would you willingly get rid of your Sistine Chapel of hell? Actually, while we're on the subject---why was he turning his victims into a cruel work of preserved grossness anyways? Didn't he just need their body parts? Why save them? I DONT GET IT. He's not a serial killer, so he doesn't need to keep trophies.

4. Why does he even need to take people's body parts?

He seems to be doing pretty fine while looking like a big scary demon. Not to mention, that his eyes look fine to me--why does he need Darry's eyes? Will his demon body expire for good if he doesn't take the body parts of humans? Will GOD win if he does not absorb other peoples body parts and take them for his own? Did they explain that and I was too busy laughing while imagining The Creeper waiting in line at the DMV?

5. BLAH BLAH BLAH

Right. Well....anyways like I said, I enjoy Jeepers Creepers from time to time but ultimately because it makes no sense-- I can't ever make peace with it. It's too bad because we had a pretty solid history too.

But come on you guys. Does this movie really make any sense to any of you?

I'll tell you what it seems like to me. It seems like the creators originally took this idea of a crazy and sick serial killer who brutality killed people, took body parts and then tacked them up on the ceiling. Somewhere along the line, they were like WAIT, let's make him a DEMON. And then the ridiculousness of Jeepers Creepers was born. They didn't bother to change all the elements that would have made sense had The Creeper been a real person and then everyone was like ahahah BLAH BLAH BLAH we made a movie let's get drunk!

Okay that was mean. I like Jeepers Creepers, I do. But I'm not afraid to tell it like it is. It makes no sense. And that's all I have to say about that.

The Internet Is DEAD To Me (No Really, It Is)

Ugggh my Internet is gone! Missing! Dead! Lost! Really, it's just Comcast being a bunch of whores and giving me a modem that decided to crap out. Also who had a fun time last night listening to their own breathing on the phone while waiting for the modem to restart for 20 minutes? THIS GIRL. (Me).

I told the guy about 12 times that it wasn't rebooting properly and that only one light was coming on and he kept being like, "That's okay ma'am just give it some time" 20 minutes later... Yup. Still nothing buddy.

Just face it Comcast, you messed up, now give me something free. Preferably something called DVR and CABLE. By the way, don't be fooled by promotions offering 70 dollars for cable and internet. What they mean is, internet and basic cable, which you can get by plugging in a cable cord to your TV. What a rip!

Anyways the point of all this is to tell you that I can't do anything now except play video games and pick my nose. Oh and READ I guess. Not that this is such a bad thing, but I thought I'd inform the few of you who still read this blog despite my less than stellar performance as of late. In the meantime, enjoy this post about nothing. At some point between 11-1 on Saturday, my internet will be returned to its original form and the world can sleep soundly knowing that I can once more watch movies and talk about them and then write stuff that is important only to me. Yay!

Here are some awesome pictures I found by searching, "Dead Internet"

That's Some Bad Idea Harry

Guess what? There is a God, Universal Studios is finally closing the JAWS ride. I can sleep safely at night knowing that my friends won't one day drug me, kidnap me and make me go on this ride. Just kidding, I know that most of you are all weeping like children and pouring one out for the old mechanical shark in its disproportional glory.


It is rather sad when I think about it and rather telling of the state of movies in general. Replacing old classics with newer, more current and less scary (?) films. Remakes, updates, new ideas that are secretly just remakes, whatever you want to call it, times they are a changing. And if Universal Studios' recent decision tells us anything other than the fact that it will never be as popular and magical as Disney World, it tells us that the park is evolving.

While personally I have had nightmares in my past---like legitimate nightmares about being on the JAWS ride, (Usually the boat explodes and I fly into the shark's mouth--which has spontaneously turned into a real shark, and I may or may not be naked. It depends on whether or not I had a glass of red wine before bed and if I'm wearing socks or not), I know must of you have delicately placed the ride into that sweet little box that glorifies your childhood. Luckily, the one and only time I went to Universal Studios, the JAWS ride was out of order.



Which makes me wonder: was the JAWS ride often put out of order? Is it possible that the mechanical shark like Bruce, had the grave misfortune of just not working? OR is Universal Studios, truly clearing out rides to make way for more current films to be showcased?

Think of it this way. When most of us went to Universal Studios, we knew most of the films that the rides were based on and we wanted to go on them because of it. Let's take Back to the Future as the best example of this.


Most kids today? Do they hold that same esteem for Back to the Future? Do they want nothing more than to ride in a Delorean and travel back in time with crazy Doc Brown shouting things at us? Probably not. They probably want to ride on a motorcycle with Shia LeBouf and join the Transformers in an epic battle. Did he ride on a motorcycle in that? I think I'm confusing it with Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. No matter, the POINT, my friends is this: remakes are made because studios need to make things relevant for the new generation of kids. Rides at Universal will undoubtedly be following this same trend and the JAWS ride closing is probably one of the first of many.

Don't go looking at Disney World to comfort you either. They do this all the time--like when they replaced the Alien Encounter ride with Stitch's great escape, or Mr. Toad's Wild Ride with a Winnie the Pooh ride. They have to keep updating things, or kids will not want to go on them.

Putting aside all of our anger and depression about this, I thought it would be fun to envision what Universal Studios will be putting in place of the JAWS ride. They claim it's something new and exciting. But what could it possibly be? Will the space be kept as a marina style, with some form of water? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm let's discuss.

I can't think of any recent Universal pictures that partially take place on or around water. Unless, you count Couples Retreat as a feasible option. OH wait I have two ideas.

Nim's Island


Ugh. This would make sense because I think......that kids like this movie. Plus it would be easy to convert the JAWs space into an island, where the patrons get ferried to it by boat. Also at some point pirates would probably attack the boat. Are there pirates in Nim's Island? Who knows.

Battleship

This trailer makes people laugh. And rightfully so. Who would make a senseless movie about a board game that becomes un-fun in less than 5 minutes? This ride would work in the place of JAWs though. Visitors ride on boats and their boat gets hit by bombs and stuff. Also, pirates will probably attack the boat. Just kidding, I just think pirates should be inserted anywhere there is water. Curse Disney World for taking ownership of the Pirates movies!

Hmmmm I'm stumped.

Other scary and depressing possibilities NOT involving water?
The Fast and the Furious: Gross. Picture converting the water into a sort of street/racetrack, where kids get to experience street racing for themselves. Probably people would love this.

Pokemon: Because kids always need more Pokemon themed things.

Cowboys and Aliens: I would be down for this if it involved being able to have sex with Daniel Craig. Wait! I mean........................this might be a cool ride, if we got to ride in a spaceship.

Rides that SHOULD be replacing JAWs?

Open Water
The Reef
Sharktopus
Lake Placid
The Raft a la Creepshow 2


Oooh the possibilities!

That's all I've got for now. What do YOU think they are turning the JAWs ride into?

Who Would Be Your Neighbor?

Today was the day that the big storm hit New England--and hit it it did. I was one of 4 lucky people in the city of Boston to actually have to go to work today. It was cruel and unusual, but it did give me the chance to do some serious reflecting. There's such an eerie quiet when you walk around during a snowstorm and thinking just happens to become clearer. As beautiful and peaceful as my walk to and from work may have been however, it was momentarily ruined every time someone got stuck in the snow, or a giant ice ball descended upon my head from the nearest tree.

One thing that a snowstorm like this does do however, is make me appreciate how people are so quick to help others in need. It's like we all develop this great sense of neighborly goodness. For example, my heart was so warmed when I saw a car stuck in the middle of a traffic light, and all the people in the other cars behind him helping to push and dig him out. It got me thinking of horror movies in the strangest way possible.

I couldn't help but wonder, if I was stuck in horror movie land (Horror movie land is that magical place where all characters in horror movies are real people, and I am taller) who would I want to be my neighbor? Who would I want to come and help me shovel my driveway? Who would be the best at helping me out in a time of snow emergency need?

Annie Wilkes would have to be my top choice.

You can't deny that the woman is a serious beast, especially a serious beast in the snow. How can you go wrong with someone who has a track record of rescuing people crashed in the snow, throwing them on her back and trekking them back to her home? IN THE BLIZZARD? I have a hard enough time carrying a pizza box through the snow, let alone a James Caan.

Annie would surely be the beast whoops, (I mean BEST) person for the job, she's relentless, familiar with the elements and strong. I wouldn't be surprised if in the summer time, Annie is a part of the Strong Man competition, as I can definitely see her hauling a truck or two in the off season. I also wouldn't be surprised to know that Miss. Trunchbull was related to her.

Of course one must be careful not to be too nice to Annie Wilkes. She might get overzealous and strap you to her bed and break your ankles.

Then again you can't deny the other powerhouse in the land of horror that is-- Jason Voorhees.

Here is a man whose stamina speaks for itself, a man who can work quietly and a man who has a decent amount of strength himself. I normally would question the problem of the small breathing holes in his hockey mask, or in more extreme cases, his burlap sack---but as we all know that has never stopped him before. Hooking him in is easy, just put on his dead mother's sweater.

You know who else wouldn't be such a bad neighbor? The Tall Man.

Apparently, it's "illegal" to drive around with a giant pile of snow on top of your car. Sorry people but I had no choice. How was I suppose to find a ladder and clean the top off of the giant blue van where I work? I thought so. The Tall Man however would be the perfect person to help me out--because he's tall! He can help me clean off the roof of the car and make sure I don't break any laws. As long as he leaves his scary metal Phantasm ball things at home, he would make an excellent snow shoveling neighbor.

Speaking of thinking outside of the box, how about using Candyman's assets to your advantage?

You know what one of the most irksome qualities of shoveling out your car is? Getting the ice off. Sure, a one handed man with a hook doesn't sound desirable in snow shoveling land, but his sharp and pointy hook would be excellent at scraping off that hard to break ice that glues itself so nicely to the windshield. His giant fur coat also ensures that he can work outside longer. All he needs is a delightful hat to match.

Or if submissive snow shoveler is your idea of a perfect snow helper, I would consider using Frankenstein's Monster,

or even Bub the Zombie from Day of the Dead.

All strong men, who say little and will do just about anything you tell them to. Occasionally they may rebel, but when in doubt, chain them to a tree and all will be fine.

Who would be the worst neighbor to help in a snowstorm? Here are some possibilities.

Definitely do NOT knock on the door of The Blob's house.

That thing hates the cold, and would shrivel up the moment it steps outside.

Although Freddy Krueger's charm is admirable, he would be a pretty bad worker.

I imagine he would just stand there and say dirty things to you involving sexual innuendos having to do with the snow.

The same can go for Billy from Black Christmas.

Every time you would turn around he'd be off hiding in some girl's closet and making prank phone calls.

And finally here are some choices from YOU. Answers from the Twitterverse and Facebook on who you would like as your snow shoveling neighbor.

Ste67 points out that the Humanoids From the Deep would be a huge help in the snow, thanks to their flippers hands being able to shovel away the snow effortlessly.

Hannah Neurotica agrees that Jason would be the best option, while Freddy would blab away and Michael would just kind of stand there. She also points out that Leatherface could probably hold his own as well although, we agreed--the snow might be a new experience for him and he could get nervous and frustrated....and we all know what happens next.

Both Angel Sierra and Nick Lazzaro shout out to the old man in Home Alone.

Not a horror movie sure, but who can deny that the man scared the crap out of you. Here is a guy so devoted to shoveling the snow that his hands are all bloody. He would shovel till the sun came up, that's for sure. He probably smells like a homeless guy though.

TVJunkieJason offers up Pumpkinhead as his neighbor of choice. He points out that his flappy, flailing arms would be great tools in shoving the snow away in volumes. Surely the demon would be helpful provided that you can keep him under your control and not Lance Henriksen's of course.

The Mike points out that Wilford Brimely a la The Thing would be an excellent choice judging by his speedy tunnel digging skills and random spaceship building skills. Plus, he does it all while battling the evil monster that is "Dia-beet-is".

And BONUS he would bring Quaker Oats.

timtetreault also picks a science station employee--this time the great bearded masterpiece that is R.J. MacReady who is MacReady to kick some snow ass. Okay sorry, that was bad but I couldn't resist.

Jeff Konopka has the perfect solution: Get a truck from Maximum Overdrive and slap a snow plow on its front. Problem solved!

Dod March would use one of the Graboids from Tremors--just as long as he could get out of its way in time.

Bstank00 suggests Donnie and his flamethrower from Don't Go In the House, providing that he stays away from any gas tanks.

Zachary Kelley agrees with the selection of The Tall Man who can wield a good shovel, have his dwarf things help out and keep you on track by saying "Boooooyyy!" Which I think would be terrifying but maybe that's just me.

Aunt John justifies the choice of Kathy Bates' character in Misery pointing out that she can dig out a car AND perform corrective leg surgery, all in one day. What a woman.

MattOfAllMedia wants Cherry Darling from Planet Terror to be his snow shoveling partner...although he admits she would mostly just add some fun to....playing in the snow.

Yikes!

And finally, Tom Kingsmill would take the easy way out and annihilate the snow and the rest of humanity as well probably, with The Cloverfield Monster!

This Just In: Little Closets Are the Worst

Seeing Paranormal Activity 3 on Friday afternoon made me realize several things. Like how I really need to brush up on my pretending not to be scared faces and also that Sprite is a really refreshing soft drink that I seldom choose when faced with the deciding factor of a Coke. My most startling revelation however was when I realized that little closets are the devil.

A film like Paranormal Activity 3 does something awesome which is, surprise you and also scare the shit out of you. When was the last time the third movie in a tired series made you do a victory dance? Oh, probably never. Yet, it is my belief that PA 3 has done it! Go see it if you have not already...it will be the most fun you've had in the theater all year. Trust me!

Anyways back to things that are the worst. We find out in PA3 that the menacing demon that torments both Kristi and Katie was actually Kristi's make believe friend growing up and that his name was/is Toby.

Toby is a terrible name because it reminds me of Toby from Degrassi who was gross but also Toby is just a really odd name for a demon. Toby is also supposed to be "old" and "tall" according to little Kristi, which makes me instantly picture Toby looking something like this.

Blah!

So Toby lives in this little closet in Kristi and Katie's room. As soon as I saw that little closet it was like 25 years of a latent trauma bursting through my brain. My house growing up had 2 little closets.....well 3 I suppose if you count the double doors little closet that was in my big closet in my room. Here is something you should know about little closets.....they are mysteriously creepy. I'm no expert but I believe this is because A. Why is it so little? and B. Because it's so little this obviously means that only evil things can live in there.

Little closets always made me nervous because I was positive, absolutely positive that someone or something was going to come out of there. What makes them worse is that they make this little creaky noise when they open......I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it now.

So along comes PA 3 which utilizes the creeptastic nature of the little closet to its utmost potential. We're talking hearing that uber creepy creaky noise in the middle of the night. Katie getting pulled into the little closet. The little closet slamming its door shut violently. Demon drawings on the ceiling. It's all too horrible to imagine the world of little closets inhabited by evil demons named Toby.

Additionally this little closet reminded me of that scene in The Sixth Sense. Perhaps one of, if not the scariest scene in the entire film. Why do people think it's funny to torment us with little closets again? Oh yes, because people are cruel.

In closing, little closets are the worst and PA 3 proves this point. Please tell me I'm not alone in my little closet phobia. Anyone? Hello?