Happy Birthday to The Donald!

The heat makes you do crazy things. Like, turn gin and tonics into slushies (ha, yeah if by "crazy" you mean amazing...), put ice down your pants and forget the coolest person on the planet's birthday. Yes my friends, I, one of the biggest supporters of The Donald did not know that today was his day of birth. Don't say anything, I already feel horrible enough.

Thanks to one of my more brighter and cooler Twitter friends, I was alerted to this most wonderful day just in the nick of time. Why do I love The Donald? I'm not sure. But since when did we need a reason to love?

So rather instead of trying to explain with words, let us enjoy a few clips of some of the best The Donald had to offer.

I hope you're not still pretending that you don't love Buffy the Vampire Slayer the movie. It's only the cat's pajamas. And by the way, I watched a few episodes of the TV show and I didn't like it because Sarah Michelle Gellar annoys me. There I said it! LONG LIVE MERRICK.

I hope you didn't watch that if you've never seen Don't Look Now before...maybe I should have put the Spoiler alert before I posted the clip. Oh well, The Soup didn't say SPOILER ALERT before completely ruining the end of Season 4 of Dexter, and nobody cared about my well being. Except me.

Whoops, another spoiler!

Oh my god, why have I still not seen this movie? Besides the fact that the title of this YouTube video is incredibly offensive, this clip is amazing. I know what I'm watching tonight!

Donald Sutherland is Homer Simpson.

It's true what they say, Donald Sutherland dies a lot in movies huh?

Canada is AMAZING!

Again, why are you people holding out on me by knowing about cool movies like The Puppet Masters and not telling me?

I'll be honest. I did not know The Donald was in An American Haunting. Judgement withheld...

Say My Name: And Get It Right Bitch

Why can't people just get my name right? Is that so much to ask? It's not like I'm asking for a brand new face or something... or for world peace or for Donald Sutherland to stop being so awesome. I just want people to accept my name. ACCEPT IT.

Here is a true story that happened on Friday. I went to Starbucks in the morning because I was ridiculously early for work. After ordering my delicious grande iced chai, the woman asked for my name. I told her it was Andre. She then asked, "Andre?" and I said, "Yes". A few minutes go by and I wait patiently for my delicious iced chai.

Then the drink maker holds up a delicious iced chai and says very loudly, "Grande iced chai for ANDREA?" And then of course I had to walk up there and take it. And then EVERYBODY thought my name was Andrea. I bet they were all maliciously talking to their friends, "Oh look, there goes Andrea and her delicious iced chai." Jerks.

Here's another true story that also happened on Friday. I was hungry after getting out of work early. I went to get a sandwich. The sandwich guy asked for my name. I said, Andre. He said, "Andre"? I said, "Yes. Andre." He ponders for a moment, writes down A-N-D-R-E then thinks for another second and adds the evil A onto the end of it. Yes, I again became Andrea. It's just ridiculous isn't it? I mean yes of course you're right sandwich guy, I must have said my name incorrectly. I must have said Andre when I meant to say Andrea, how silly of me! It is only my name and all.

You probably think I'm making a big deal out of something that is no big deal. You're right but you would think it was a big deal too if you had to go through your whole life being a different name against your will. There was a time in my life when I accepted the Andrea. I was embarrassed and ashamed to correct people. In fact, my hairdresser in my hometown still thinks my name is Andrea because I never had the heart to correct her. And even still today, all Chinese food restaurants think that my name is Emily. Which is blatantly my fault because I suspected that if anyone would get my name wrong it would be a Chinese person. Stop looking at me like that---we're all thinking it.

Well today, I had an epiphany. Why accept the boring and kind of ugly sounding Andrea? (No offense people named Andrea). Why not give those asshole sandwich makers and asshole delicious iced chai makers a name that they would never dare mess up? Here are some names that I'm thinking of adopting for placing orders. Tell me your honest opinion of which one is best.

Ellen Ripley

Naturally most people would suspect something funny and obvious when using a fake name. Something like Michael Myers, or Jason Voorhees would be such things. The key to a good fake name however is picking one that only a select few might recognize. Naturally those select few would be the cool people which you can then friend immediately afterwards, thereby increasing the days cool quota by 2 (delicious sandwich AND a new friend). Ellen Ripley is a good choice for this reason. It's not a blatant fake because it sounds like a real name. But if you do know who Ellen Ripley is then you would think it was pretty fucking awesome that Ellen Ripley was ordering a sandwich. Then of course they would look and see me instead but whatever. I can wear my underwear and kill an alien too. Probably.

BOB

The name Bob is pretty regular. But the minute you spell it out in all capitals BOB form---Twin Peaks fans coming running. Depending on how deeply BOB scared them as a child or adult they'll either be running away from you or towards you to congratulate you on being so awesome. Using the BOB name is an immediate cause for congratulatory back pats I think. Maybe even handshakes! Of course using BOB would be tricky because you'd have to explain to the sandwich maker that they have to actually spell it out with all caps and what not. Otherwise the effect would be lost and then you're just the loser girl whose name is Bob.

Carol Anne

The only way I would allow for this name to be used is if a buck toothed annoying kid was the one calling my name when my order is ready. And he'd have to say it all frantic, screechy and scared....kind of like if he just heard his sister's voice coming out of the television set from an alternate dimension.

Carrie White

I'd like to see people laugh at me when this name gets called. Heeeey---ooooo

Snake Plissken

Naturally the whole point of this list was just so I could talk about Snake Plissken again. Even if a different name gets voted on, I hope you realize that I will still be using this name all the time. Can you imagine the possibilities? "Name?" "Yes, that would be Snake Plissken, S-N-A-K-E Plissken." And then oh man, OH MAN when it gets called? People will be like....."Wow....I wonder what is in that sandwich. Probably babies and scorpion tails." Additionally, the other great part about using Snake Plissken as your food ordering alias, is that if anyone dares to get it wrong you can just shoot them in the face. That's what Snake Plissken would do.

There's Something About The Donald

I drank a chai tea latte today and I'm feeling saucy. So saucy, that I feel like talking about The Donald. If you've been reading this here blog for a while, then you know that I often refer to "THE Donald". The Donald however is not to be confused with a man who erroneously was given the title, "The Donald". When I say The Donald I mean THE Donald also known in some places as Donald Sutherland and in other places as the official narrator of the 2010 Winter Olympics.

My sister asked me a little while ago what the draw of The Donald was. I didn't have a clear cut answer. We know my intial obsession began with Buffy the Vampire Slayer the movie, but after that it gets fuzzy. It's not like I'm sexually attracted to him (Please, that is reserved for Daniel Craig and Boba Fett), I just like him. I think he's awesome and every time I see him in a movie, I feel at peace. He's like a constant beacon of light in my sometimes dark and meaningless world. Is that so wrong?

SO while scouring the daily news articles today, I came across one about The Donald that peaked my interest. When I reviewed Don't Look Now, I quipped about how damn steamy that sex scene between the Donald and Julie Christie was. It lasts for about a year, and make you either turn red, get a boner or cry. There were rumors floating around claiming that the sex was real and honestly anyone that has seen it wouldn't be too surprised to find out that it was.

This article came out today however that claims the sex scene was in fact real. Former Variety editor Peter Bart wrote about his time on set of Don't Look Now in his new book. As a former Paramount pictures executive, Bart was given access to the infamous bedroom scene. Bart writes in his book, "It was clear to me they were no longer simply acting they were fucking on camera."

Hmmmm interesting! There was also a rumor flying around that The Donald and Julie Christie had a love affair and that Christie's husband at the time, Warren Beatty was not too thrilled with the sex scene--even at one point demanding that it be cut out of the film. One thing we do know for sure is that the sex scene was the first scene that The Donald and Julie Christie filmed together. In fact, the first time the two met was on the set of Don't Look Now. I somehow find it both hard to believe and easy to believe that The Donald would be so ballsy.

Is Peter Bart full of shit? As much as I would like to credit The Donald for iniating full blown sex immediately, I'm not so sure I can believe it. Bart's "evidence" is that he was watching and decided they weren't acting? How do you know? Was the P in YOUR V? I hope not.

Anywho--interesting news being scattered about the interwebz today and since The Horror Digest fully supports anything and everything The Donald, I figured I'd keep you in the know. May the gentle aura of The Donald remain intact.

Oh and you may have also noticed I spruced things up around here a bit. New font, a new banner design and font, and fancy schmancy tabs under the header. Plus over here --------> are the most popular posts at the 'Gest. Neat huh? Let me know if you like the changes but don't tell me if you hate them because then I'll hate you and we can't have that.

Popular Sayings Explained Through Horror Movies

I'm pretty famous for using a saying incorrectly. Usually in front of a lot of people resulting in embarrassment and hurt feelings. Hey, it happens. In order to prevent this from happening anymore than it does, I've decided to give a few lessons. Not only are sayings neat because most of them are hilarious, but finding out their origins is fascinating as well. Since this is a horror blog and not a bo-ring blog however, I've decided to spice things up and teach each saying by using an example from a horror movie. These first few are pretty standard unless your name is Andre Dumas and you are dumb. Perhaps in the next lessons we will jazz things up with some lesser known sayings to make things a little more challenging for all you normal, smart people.

THE BEES KNEES

Excellent. The highest quality.

This saying in particular is the one that I had been using incorrectly for the better part of my life. I always thought the bees knees was something bad. Something really crappy would happen to me, like America's Next Top Model would be a repeat, or my delivery order would be screwed up and I would ball up my fists, furrow my brows and exclaim... "Errrrr well that's just the bees knees!" On the off chance that I was with people while uttering this saying, I would obviously be met with confused stares. It's not my fault that this saying doesn't make any sense. What's so great about the bees knees? Do bees even have knees? Sorry for being logical, but bees sting you and if they do have knees (which I doubt it) then I doubt they are very great. Therefore I made the connection that bees are bad which by default means the bees knees are bad.

Well, we can't win them all and sadly I was very wrong. Apparently this saying comes from the (maybe incorrect) theory that bees would store nectar behind their knees. In order to explain this saying using a horror movie I will use an antonym.

The Wicker Man Remake is NOT the bees knees.



Things that are the bees knees:

The Donald

Suspiria

Cats that wear party hats

BITE THE BULLET
Accept the inevitable impending hardship and endure the resulting pain with fortitude.



This is an interesting origin and one that many of us may have heard incorrectly. Originally it was thought that the phrase comes from the idea that in time of war when there was no anesthetic or what have you, soldiers would bite down on bullets as a way to sort of hide the pain of getting ligaments amputated off. Recent evidence has disproved this theory by saying that it is more likely that this phrase was originally, "bite the billet" and that it was changed to bullet. A billet is a wooden stick, which seems much more likely to have been bitten down on, apparently. For more information observe this awesome site.



In terms of horror movies, the most obvious one that comes to mind is Martyrs





Clearly, Anna accepted the inevitable and endured the pain with fortitude. Clearly.





BAD EGG
Someone or something that disappoints expectations.


Hopefully like me, other people immediately think of the baddest egg on the block when they hear this phrase. Apparently this phrase comes from the disappointment that often ensues when shelling a boiled egg and finding the egg to be bad. I'm not sure how excited the average person gets when unshelling a boiled egg, but I suppose if you really, really, wanted a boiled egg it would be pretty crappy if it was a bad egg. I guess.


The best way to teach this saying is by using remakes. Most of us, for some reason get a little excited when we hear things about remakes. Whether it be because of the director, or actors, or perhaps even eyeing a few pre-released screen shots, for one reason or another we tend to expect some form of excellence. As is usually the case however, those expectations are quickly dashed.

RZ's Halloween

and

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Are bad eggs.





LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG
To disclose a secret.


I've always been curious to find out where this saying comes from. Whoever is hiding cats in bags seems like some kind of mean person that I don't want to be friends with but then again...you never know. As is the case with this, this saying probably comes from when people used to switch pigs with cats at the market, so when the person got home with their tasty pig, they would find a cat instead. Personally I would be thrilled to find a cat in a bag but that's just me.


Correlating this to horror is simple. Often times, horror movies have a twist ending. And often times those twists get ruined. So for many people,

The Sixth Sense

and Orphan were ruined because someone let the cat out of the bag.

SHORT END OF THE STICK
To come off worse in a bargain or contest.


There has been speculation that the short end of the stick doesn't make much sense either. Rather, "short" may be a euphemism for "shit" which makes much more sense. In any case this saying still brings confusion to many.


In horror movie terms the best example is from Rosemary's Baby.



When Guy Woodhouse made a deal with the devil that the devil could impregnate his wife with his devil spawn....Rosemary got the short end of the stick.

Early Scares From Buffy the Vampire Slayer THE MOVIE.

I'm almost positive I'm the only human being on this planet who enjoys and prefers the movie version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Before you grab your pitchforks and kill me there's something you should know. I've never seen the TV series and I'm sure if I had then I would think differently. You have to cut me some slack, I grew up with the movie. It was one of those films that I would rent every single time my parents took me to the video store. I didn't care if I had seen it 50 times, I needed to see it again. So for me, Kristy Swanson has always been Buffy and Hilary Swank has always been a bitch.

That's just the way it goes. I used to be obsessed with pretending that I was Buffy and cleverly devised a spectacular imaginary game where trees were vampires and I had to kill them. Naturally there were a lot of trees because I lived in the woods, and naturally I killed them all because I'm amazing.

So on that cold and rainy afternoon when Buffy the Vampire Slayer debuted on TV and Sarah Michelle Gellar was running around with high heeled boots on, I was saddened. To me nothing could ever replace Kristy Swanson and her valley girl quips--and plus, I hated Sarah Michelle Gellar. I am well aware now that the movie version was extremely altered from Joss Whedon's original vision. I am also aware that he disowns it and probably hates it. Oh and I of course am aware that the movie version is pretty atrocious--but that will never stop my love no, never. When I rewatch it today I can still get marginally creeped out at moments that scared me when I was little, and I'm ready and willing to present to you all those moments right now.

Before I begin I need to say a big welcome back to THE DONALD.

In case you haven't figured it out by now, my initial love for The Donald does in fact stem from this film. Sad I know.

Grueller Takes a Shortcut

I tend to hate closed amusement parks and I'm in the mindset that everyone should. Why Grueller decides to take a shortcut through there is beyond me (although I'm sure it has to do with the playing on horror movie conventions thing) but then again how often does one find themselves face to face with Pee Wee Herman riding a carousel?

While we're at it, I should point out that Grueller already looks like a vampire before he turns into one. Keep that in mind when we investigate his new vampire persona later on. Anywho, this scene really freaked me the fuck out.

I Hate You, Puritan Vampire

You know what else freaks me the fuck out? Vampires that wear creepy purtain hats like this. I'm not entirely sure why, but this vampire on the right has scarred me for life. Whenever I see this scene I can't help but be reminded of how much I hate those really pale and extra creepy looking vamps. It reminds me of the Emperor's creepy wingman and this vampire is partially responsible for why Nosferatu freaks me out so much.

Pee Wee Snags Benny

I did not appreciate this scene one bit. In my opinion one trait of vampires that I tend to miss these days and with every new re-imagining of the genre--is the way that vampires can glide, or float. I am pretty positive anything that glides or floats is scary (this fear actually stems from Death Becomes Her and The Craft more on that some other time) so when Benny is just chilling on the side of a cliff, the last thing I wanted to see was Paul Rubens suddenly rising up behind him and pulling Benny down with him.

Buffy's First Vampire

If there's one thing we need more of in the horror genre, it is the actual event of a body coming out of a grave. Zombies, vampires, whatever. Seeing anything emerge from a fresh grave is one of the more terrifying things a child can ever endure. Buffy's first confrontation with the vampires is expected, yet that did not make this scene any easier for me to handle.

Don't Let Benny In

Remember when I said that I hate when people float? Well this scene takes the cake for one of the creepiest things I had ever seen growing up. Those before me would suffer from the possibility of looking our their windows and seeing little Ralphie Glick scratching at the window. I, on the other hand, would suffer the possibility of David Arquette asking me to let him in and then yelling at me when I didn't. All I can think when I watch this scene is...thank god Luke Perry sucks at opening really big windows.

My Biggest Fear is Realized

Thanks to this scene, when I lay down without looking behind me first, I always think I'm going to lie down on a big and scary man. I'm waiting for the day that I come home really drunk and that actually happens. Hey, you never know. As a side note due to my lack of brains and more recent horror movie watching experience, I just found out that Lothos is Rutger Hauer of The Hitcher fame. This does not surprise me. The man is capable of turning up anywhere.

Never Trust a Mirror

This is another scene that continues to affect me until this very day. I'm almost positive that one of these days, when I check my rearview mirror, see nothing there, and then physically look behind me, I will see two vampires walking towards my car. I just know it. I'm also still a little confused why Pike is randomly stopped on a highway...hmmm

Grueller Plays Some Ball

See I told you--not that different. This scene really isn't very scary I just like pointing out that....

That's Ben Afleck!

Evil Parade Floats

The final scene that I used to hate, was when all the parade floats came alive. This stupid squirrel float then proceeds to cackle menacingly and glare at you with its red eyes! I should also point out that until very recently aka today, I thought that was a camel.

Well there you have it. There are of course a handful of other scary moments, namely at the dance and Buffy's final confrontation with Lothos. I forgot to include a picture of the vampire DJ....I hate that guy. Well anyways, it may not be the best movie, and it may in many ways be a parody of the vampire genre, and horror films as a whole--but I still love it. And I maintain that it has quite a bit of scary moments, especially when you're young and vulnerable.

I will now leave you with this, to get you motivated.

HOW FUNKY IS YOUR CHICKEN? HOW FUNKY IS YOUR CHICKEN?

HOW LOOSE IS YOUR GOOSE? OUR GOOSE IS TOTALLY LOOSE.

SO COME ON ALL YOU HOG FANS! SO COME ON ALL YOU HOG FANS!

AND SHAKE YOUR CABOOSE! AND SHAKE YOUR CABOOSE!

Alone in the Dark: Bad Donald

There are a lot of movies about the dark. This is probably because the dark can sometimes be very scary. Yes, in fact I'm positive that is why there are so many horror movies about the dark. In any case, with the ever growing presence of horror movies about the dark with the word "dark" in the title, a person can get easily confused. I for instance thought the movie I was watching was called Don't Be Afraid of the Dark, or maybe I thought it was Don't Go in the Basement, OR something else. But that's neither here or there. So anyways I read about Alone in the Dark and put it on my list of semi-rare movies from the 70s and 80s that I should probably see. I would also be lying if I told you that I didn't think Donald Sutherland was in this. This made me very excited because I like to think that every movie with Donald Sutherland in it, makes me a little bit happier on the inside.

And for real, how can one person not get a little bit happier when they see The Donald?

My thoughts exactly.

So yes, there I was all pumped and excited for The Donald and then.....

Mmmmmhmmmm. Donald fail.

Not that Donald Pleasence isn't a wonderful human being, but I'm used to THE Donald.

So where was I? Oh yes. After being disappointed, I sat back to watch a movie that seems to have influenced one of my favorite movies of all time. During a blackout, 3 patients on the third floor of a mental institution escape and kill people. Well, I guess that's pretty loose. 3 People with a grudge against the new doctor who believe he killed the old doctor, escape from the mental institution during the black out and hunt down the man and his family. Better? The mental institution retains the gentlemen on the third floor with the use of electricity. All doors and bars on the windows are controlled only by electricity. See the resemblance yet? No? Okay. So during a storm/ blackout the power goes out allowing what is behind the bars or fence to escape..................just like........

Jurassic Park. Genius.

The film as a whole is pretty effective in the creep department. Apparently this is deemed a slasher movie although for some reason I don't quite see it like that. I suppose it would be in the vein of the slasher movies that draw inspiration from Halloween--where we know the identity of the killer and additionally that we know the killer has some sort of mental illness. This goes above and beyond that by having there not be just one killer but three (well, four I guess...) These men are so dangerous and disturbed that they immediately start killing people as soon as they are released from their floor.

Unfortunately, this film also had me all stirred up and angry due to how these highly dangerous men on the third floor are labeled as insane and violent when their definitive illnesses do not correspond to their violent nature. In case you do not know by now, I work in the mental illness field. Movies like this follow a trend where mental illness was immediately met with negativity in the form of "highly dangerous". As it so happens there is a wide range of mental illnesses of which a small amount fall under the highly dangerous category that these men are put under. Child molester's while being very disturbing, would probably not seize a man and break his back upon suddenly realizing that he could escape.

Just saying. As it so happens this movie gave me great inspiration for an article I am in the process of writing so thank you, Alone in the Dark.

Aside from all my angsty feelings, I found the film to have its moments. I will say that it was incredibly slow starting off. Almost to the point where I contemplated reading a book until the action got started. I don't think anything noteworthy actually happened until....oooh....40 minutes? That's a long time especially for a film put under the Slasher category.

Once the blackout officially started however, things got underway. Starting with the biggest sale of the year---the Blackout Sale.

Because as most of us know the perfect day to buy that hutch that you've had your eye on, is during a blackout.

After this there was a fairly effective murder scene involving a man wearing a hockey mask, and a little gardening hand rake thing. It was pretty gross. Then, we get our 3 killers taunting a man on a bicycle for no reason, and the fat child molester "babysitting" the doctor's daughter. This made for a very creepy and uncomfortable moment. Fear not, apparently all he did was teach her how to make origami. I'm not sure if that is suppose to mean something else or whatever, but I find it odd that he is represented as innocent in that situation. Later the little girl is just found taking a nap, which doesn't make sense when given the fat child molester's past and his habit of breaking people's backs and throwing people across lawns.

Well anyways, there are a few decent kills, and then the whole family is holed up in the house once they realize that all three men are outside and trying to kill them. Windows and doors are boarded up ala Night of the Living Dead, and the 3 men force their way inside anyways. There is one big reveal at the end that is very disturbing and pretty well done I should add. It made me a little sick. Oh and there's an extremely effective jump-ish type scare that I'm sure is on more than one persons trauma list...

Word is Tom Savini was called in specifically to create this horrid beast that pops up.

One thing I do wish now that I'm thinking of it, is that the whole idea of the doctor's sister and her clouded past with her getting "sick" again is never fleshed out. She's come to visit them following a successful treatment of a mental breakdown but seeing this creature suggests much more darker things than a mental breakdown that was "easily treated". In fact I would say that overall, there is very little detail concerning plot at all. The whole jumping off point for the three men in their plan to kill the new doctor is because Frank decides it one night and says out loud to the others that "He killed Dr. Merton so now we must kill him". And that's that. That is how the entire plot gets going from that one simple statement alone. There's not much to it. Obviously one can make the case that an individual with mental illness lacks very little reasoning to begin with but still...for the story's sake I feel like that whole motivation could have been fleshed out a bit better.

There's a whole slew of stuff like that--the mother's nonchalant way of brushing off the fact that a dangerous child molester was with their daughter but that she's ok. And what's more the babysitter and her car is missing and no one really seems to be worried about it. Also, if you're not paying attention during the beginning and debating whether or not you should open your book--you could in fact miss the introduction of a fourth and very important character. Not that that wasn't my fault but I felt like he maybe should have been brought up more than that one time. Or maybe he was and I was just too bored to really notice it.

I will say that the nightmare in the opening sequence was amazing. It made me extremely excited for the film but unfortunately my high was brought back down until things started to heat up again 40 minutes later. Oh well.

Oh and I almost forgot. This has got to be the greatest band that ever lived. Look at their dedication! Meat cleavers made out of tin foil and cardboard, plus look at how much fun all of them are having.

Where can I get tickets? Note that this is a real band and I'm serious.

By the way, we can't forget this surprise cameo by....

The scary granny from 2001 Maniacs !!! Who actually is responsible for a very hysterical scene.

Overall I'm a little disappointed with this. Things got interesting off and on but for the most part kind of a snoozer with a lot of things that don't make sense. I'd have to give it another viewing before writing it off my list for good, but in the meantime, I'm moving on.

Oh and feel free to correct me and my 80s knowledge wrong, but if there is a blackout--why do all the phones still work?

Here is that random taunting of the biker scene which you should probably watch because it is quite hysterical.