Goodnight Mommy: Nevermind, I Don't Want Kids Anymore.

Goodnight Mommy has been recommended to me by at least 2 people. Of those 2 people, 1 is famous and the other one I've never met in person. Those of you bad at math this equals= must see in my book. But honestly, I'm just really looking for a good movie you know? Unfortunately, I could only watch Goodnight Mommy on Amazon which means I can't take fun screenshots which is a shame because I had some really good ones in mind---and also this post probably won't be as funny now without them. Poo.

Goodnight Mommy is an Austrian 'Psychological Thriller' which in layman's terms means that the movie is not what you think it is about and also probably there is a twist. It's important to know what these genre tags really mean you know. SO, the movie is about twin boys who live in a secluded Austrian arty house and who get into shenanigans on a daily basis. One day their mother returns having just had plastic surgery and to them she seems different. Soon their suspicions escalate into dangerous and terrifying territories.

First of all---the BEST thing about this movie is how it brings me back to Eyes Without a Face.

There is nothing better and I repeat NOTHING BETTER than a creepy bandage mask that distorts an actor or actress' face. There is something so simplistically creepy about this that makes my insides squirm with excitement. I love it because it's not some otherworldly mask or some ingenious special makeup effect. It's bandages.

Second of all---I love me some psychological horror. Unfortunately this means that I can guess 'twists' within seconds of watching a movie and then I spend the whole movie checking off points in my theory that continue to be correct. Good news I won. The thing is though--knowing the twist right away doesn't ruin the movie. What happens as the movie progresses is terrifying whether you know the twist or not.

Also notable here is how our loyalties change throughout. In the beginning part of the film, we are made to be on the boys' side. 'Playing along' so to speak and questioning at least on some level that their suspicions may have some truth to them after all. But the really great part of this is that even if we trust their suspicions at least to some extent---what ends up happening is so off-putting and horrifying that we come away being on the mother's side by the end. Actually, maybe we are never meant to be on the side of the boys. I mean......little boys that fill an entire fish tank with cockroaches are no friend of mine OK? What the fuck.

Here are some other thoughts about this movie.

Gross. 

I continue to be amazed at how good foreign movies are at gore. This is not gore as we know it-- this is gore done with a steady hand that knows exactly what will make you cringe without being too over the top. There is a scene here involving superglue and scissors that made me climb out of my skin and cower in the corner, weeping. I still get the heebie jeebies  thinking about it.


The Red Cross

I don't know how they do things over in Austria, but if solicitors come a knocking and you don't answer apparently they just fucking come in? What the hell. If you can't pretend that you aren't home when the Jehovah's Witnesses come---what safety is left in this world? Ooh....that might just be a fantastic idea for a horror movie. Don't steal it.

Cat

Yes there is a cat in this and yes it ends up dead.


Holy Shit Balls

By the end, this movie becomes so unsettling that it's difficult to digest all at once. It kind of sadly reminded me of that movie where the kids lock their parents in the basement so that they won't get a divorce...what was that called..,OH yeah House Arrest.

What a shitty movie. The entire time you are thinking---'Well, I guess they can never let their parents out because then their parents will probably kill them'. And also, 'Wow this movie really sucks.' The same is true (except for the shitty part) of Goodnight Mommy in that at one point you determine that the boys have definitely gone too far and when that happens you come to the horrific realization that there is no turning back.


Overall, I was mostly impressed with Goodnight Mommy. It's very quiet in how it delivers its horror and it kind of sneaks up on you. You really need to stay with it I think in order to become affected here. It's the building up of the madness that really seals the deal. Sure, I came away with a few questions but they weren't deal breakers. Knowing more about certain aspects of the film won't make it any more or less great and that is important to note. It has some superb shots happening and I find overall that it's very understated in its attack but dang, does it sneak up on you in the end.

Feel free to discuss fun spoilery stuff in the comments!

Housebound: Awesome Subtitle is Too Spoilery

I'm having a really hard time coming up with a witty subtitle for this review. Everything I want to say that is perfect is also probably a major spoiler. So I think the best way to solve this is if everyone who hasn't seen this yet, go and watch it right now then come back.

I'll wait..............................

OK.

Good. Here are my awesome subtitles.

1. Is that you Ronald?

2. Bad Eugene.

3. I always feel like...somebody's watchin me.


Ugh now I feel like that was a lot of eager anticipation that probably made you underwhelmed. Sorry. The point is though. Housebound is awesome. So awesome that when I was finished watching it, I immediately ran to the rooftops and shouted it for all hear. The best part is--I had NO idea what I was getting into when I started watching it. I thought yeah OK ghosts....whatever maybe funny we'll see we'll see. But man. MAN!

The plot focuses on Kylie who after a botched ATM robbery is sentenced to house arrest at her childhood home with her mother. Here she understands that her mother's insistence on a ghost being in the house may not be far from the truth after all. And really what do you expect if you keep things like this in the basement?

The first thing you need to know about Housebound is that it is funny. It is very funny. But not in that hahaha jokes kind of way--more in that subtle John Landis kind of way where things just are funny. Don't be put off by the at times weird music cues. Sure, they are a little jarring and maybe not totally needed but overall I can wave those off because the actual humor is so good. There's a really good peeing scene for instance that had me realize just how few female peeing scenes there are and how we probably need more of them. Not in like a gross creepy way but why don't women ever get to pee on screen for comedic effect? Yes, this will be the leading lecture in my series entitled: Bathroom Humor. Where did you go?

There are also a good deal of jump scares which actually did make me a bit angry in the beginning. After I peed my pants twice in a row I figured the whole movie would be this unfair 'aha gotcha!' moment but again--after a while that all seems to just float away because you are enjoying yourself. And dare I say it, that after awhile the jump scares were kind of fun? Who am I?!

But really, the best best best thing about this movie are the turns it takes. As you've probably deduced by now (even though you should have all watched this and should know..) Housebound is not just a ghost story. There are levels of awesome. With a lot of movies that undertake this same multi-tier approach to genre. The excitement, or quality often decreases the further away we get from the original genre. The common misstep is when ghost stories devolve into psychological , 'just kidding the ghost was this crazy person who hallucinates things' turns. It makes you angry and for a brief moment I feared Housebound was going down that same route.

But fear not fear not---Housebound knows exactly what it's doing and how to preserve the awesome through every single turn it takes and that my friends is impressive.

I don't want to say much else here because I know that even though I asked you to stop reading and watch the movie first none of you probably did. So therefore now please, please go watch this right away. It's so much fun and it has heart. And.......a cheese grater scene. So please, run don't walk to your Netflix queue and watch this right now. NOW DAMN IT. If anyone would like to talk details on the awesome meet me in the comments section. K bye.

The Babadook: Let's Recap the Awesome

If someone asked me to summarize what my favorite kind of horror movie is, I would probably give up and just show them The Babadook. This is because A. I'm lazy and B. I can't think of anything more perfect. The Babadook has it all guys. Let's recap.

1. It's terrifying.

The Babadook has the distinction of being one of few movies that I've had to turn off in the middle of watching it for fear that I'd never be able to fall asleep ever again. The scenes where we catch glimpses of the Babadook in both his more illustrated form and his more human form are all able to momentarily stop my heart. And the scenes where scary noises are followed by heart pounding under the covers hiding are way uncool. Uncool in terms of how much I wanted to pee myself.

I think this stems from our childhood memories of being terrified. Maybe not everyone watched the Exorcist at a young age and then stayed up all night because they were afraid of being possessed OR maybe no one else watched The Shining and then imagined the sound of the water rushing through the pipes was actually the sound of blood gushing out of the elevators but whatever.... we all had to have experienced moments of fear when we were little right? And what did we do when we were scared? Hide under our covers. For some reason hiding under the covers felt so safe and so secure. So those scenes where we have characters hiding seemingly safe and secure are filled with so much tension that it's practically unbearable.

2. It's secretly about mental illness

I love me my psychological horror movies. And the best part about psychological horror movies is that the really good ones put the psychological themes front and center without most of the audience knowing about it. For many, the Babadook is just a horror movie that takes childhood fears and creepy stories and brings them to life. But for others--the Babadook is really only about grief and depression and how easily it can consume you if you let it in. And unlike many horror movies that put a great deal behind the vanquishing of the monster or bad guy, The Babadook emphasizes the importance of acknowledging the 'monster' and controlling it. It's just all so.........brilliant!

It's okay to be sad about things, or to miss those we've lost. But it's not OK to let that sadness take you over and it's not okay to shut out the memories, and good things because you're afraid of what it will bring up. That is the message at the Babadook's heart and it's powerful and it's so well done in how it portrays this. I have a hard time talking about it without melting into a pool of excitement.

3. Little boys with accents kick ass

British, Australian, Irish, Scottish---I'll take any of those accents and dare you to not think that the kid speaking in that accent isn't the cutest kid that ever lived. Even Samuel who is basically an asshole for 80% of the movie is still pretty frickin adorable. When he emphasizes his love for his mom and how he's going to protect her? Kill me now with the cuteness.

4. Sweet old lady with Parkinsons doesn't die.

I love that sweet old lady with all my heart. Thank GOD she didn't die when we saw the Babadook hiding out in her closet.

I mean she's sweet as fuck right? The mom says mean things to her and she doesn't care. She's like Samuel in that she recognizes an issue and accepts that it's difficult to get through but doesn't give up! We all need more old lady friends like Mrs Roach. I'm putting an ad in Craigslist today to look for mine.

5. OK you're right I only pointed out the fact that the sweet old lady doesn't die because I'm still very upset about the dog dying. 

I get why the dog dies. Actually.....no I don't! I really still don't think that the dog needed to die. I think we would all have been a lot better off if Samuel chose that moment to stab his mom with the kitchen knife and then the dog would have run off and into Mrs. Roach arms where it'd be safe. Can we all just pretend that is what happened? Ok good.

So yes. The Babadook? Love it. I realize this is again old news, but I did actually see it closer to when everyone else did. I just didn't write about it because I was busy eating cake and watching bad reality TV shows. We all have our weaknesses.

Oculus: Never Underestimate the Power of Conehead Teeth

Whilst on my year or so long (or two year?) hiatus in which I basically just watched Reality TV and ate cake---I missed A LOT of things. I missed a lot of good horror movies and I missed all the elbow rubbing with fellow horror fans being like, "Oculus. Huh!? Huh?! Yeah!!" It made me sad to hear brief snippets about what was great, and why horror was seeing some serious resurgence in the 'good stuff' category of our minds. So now that I'm back (knock on wood) I have a lot of catching up to do. Some things I did watch but never got around to writing about, and some stuff I just plain missed like today's film---Oculus. So let's do this.

Oculus intrigued me for several reasons. For one it was what many called a huge win for horror fans and for the little people of the horror world in the shape of Mike Flanagan who also directed one of my favorite indies--Absentia. Also we're Facebook friends? So yeah. Good stuff. Good stuff. Proud of you Mike. For two---horror fans loved it. For three it stars Karen Gillian aka Amelia Pond which made my head explode. I should also mention that during my year long hiatus I fell down the deep rabbit hole of Doctor Who so this was probably the best thing to happen ever....even though she wasn't Rose Tyler, it still put a gigantic smile on my face. So yes, Oculus had all the good stuff going on.  But did I like it?

Sure! Here is a secret. I turned this off when I had about 25 minutes left to go because I was worried I would not be able to fall asleep. Yup. Look, I'm sorry if Conehead teeth affect me so much OK? Its' not my fault it's like the number 3 scariest thing behind sharks and clowns. More on that later.

Ultimately, Oculus weaves an original story of a mirror that possesses those around it with evil thoughts. The film is told between two time periods switching rapidly between the two which gives the whole film a feeling of unease and uncertainty. Which funnily enough is exactly what those evil mirrors do. And I don't just mean the evil mirror in this movie--I mean in general mirrors are pretty evil. Sometimes they trick you and make you think you look good in that dress but you don't. You don't! ............... so anyways, there's this evil mirror and Kaylie and Tim have reunited to destroy the mirror and avenge their dark family history. There are more details but since I'm sure everyone has seen this by now I think we can skip it.

For the most part--Oculus really griped me. The story is simple enough and not convoluted with mazes of the ridiculousness that tends to handicap many modern horror films today. The gore is present but is overpowered by more legitimate scares. The ending while somewhat predictable and slightly maddening still fit within the entire story well. It wasn't an out of left field, 'Oh just kidding you guys it was actually aliens who are diabetic" kind of ending. (although now that I mention it, I think we could all use more movies about diabetic aliens.) The scares--as previously mentioned, made me pee my pants a little and were well orchestrated. There were a lot of my favorite kind of 'quiet moments' of horror---the scene where Kaylie glances into her father's study and sees a woman massaging his shoulders that is NOT her mother for instance, and the little subtle tricks the mirror plays on the mother were extremely well done. There weren't too many jumps which I appreciated and the CGI was kept to a minimum.

The only thing that really saddened me was that I felt that Karen Gillian had a really hard time covering up her Scottish accent. I'm not sure if it was her lines her what, but she kept getting down into this extremely low octave kind of husky voice that really jarred me. Also even though the gore was kept to a minimum the gore was very upsetting. This is the kind of gore that truly makes you cringe. The pulling off the finger band-aid scene for instance had me slowly dying and the lightbulb vs apple scene made me want to cry.

Sure, maybe another small problem is that the film has a habit of falling back on that--AHA gotcha, trick of the mirror trope, but I think for the most part it balances what is real with what is a mirror illusion fairly well. Also, I sometimes wish we had more of a glimpse of the other mirror ghosts. Sure, Marisol was terrifying and her Conehead-like teeth will probably haunt my dreams until forever, but what about everybody else?!? Give them a chance okay?

Ultimately, Oculus is a pretty solid entry into the horror world. I'm sad I missed the hubbub surrounding it and now I feel like that loser who is like...."Hey guys......how about those Beatles!? Huh? Huh?!" Oh well. We can't all be winners.

Creepy Ballets

If there's one thing Christmas always reminds me of, it's seeing my dear sister perform in the Academy of Performing Arts rendition of The Nutcracker. And not just seeing it once mind you, seeing it about 5 times. We were a devoted family okay? Few people know that Emmy Doomas was a bit of a ballet prodigy in her day and that I lived vicariously through her by tagging along to all performances and after parties. As such, I am an expert in everything that involves ballet. Okay maybe not, but my mind doesn't have to know the truth.

When Black Swan came out I was completely blown away and secretly having brain orgasms because of how awesomely it portrayed the darker side of ballet. Not just the actual darker side of eating disorders, bad blisters and broken toe nails but in general--how it so deliciously portrayed the somewhat dark story of Swan Lake.

For many, ballet is a very frilly pink and girly thing. And to those many people I shake my head in annoyance. Ballets are often much more dark than people realize. Most likely due to the fact that a great deal were based on fairy tales, where the original versions were of course extremely dark. Cautionary tales that teach us lessons by scaring the crap out of us is how the original fairy tales usually worked. So it makes sense that ballets would also follow suite. Plus, ballets are performances on par with something like an Opera. A spectacle of drama only instead of voice the instrument is dancing.

So let us talk about a few ballets that are extremely dark. And that would make FANTASTIC horror movies, shall we?

The Red Shoes

When Black Swan came out many people were quick to draw similarities to Michael Powell and Emeric Pressburger's 1948 film The Red Shoes. Itself based on a Hans Christian Andersen fairy tale, the film is another cautionary tale about how ballet often has the potential to control and take over one's life.

Although the ballet based on the fairy tale is rare to find performed these days, it still falls into the category of insanely creepy/awesome in my book. The story is about a peasant girl who gets adopted into a rich family. After lying to obtain fancy red shoes and becoming all vain and lame, the girl gets cursed by a mysterious soldier who condemns her to dance for the rest of her life (and beyond it as well).

The story is riddled with violent imagery, like the girl being forced to dance through thorns that rip at her skin and body. The girl even tries to cut off her feet hoping to destroy the curse. Plus, I just love the common theme of "dancing to death"...isn't it just the greatest!? Also, let's not forget the ill-fated Asian horror film The Red Shoes. Where the red shoes were really just pink shoes. But who's keeping track?

Giselle

Giselle is the tale of a young woman who goes crazy and dies from a broken heart after learning that her love is actually a Duke and not a peasant like she thought. After Giselle's death, the second act of the ballet takes place by her grave where Hilarion the gamekeeper who was also in love with Giselle, grieves. It is here, that Hilarion encounters the Wilis, vengeful female spirits who rise from their graves at night and seek revenge against men by dancing them to death.

Giselle is then summoned out of her grave and invited to partake in the festivities. But when the Duke arrives he begs for forgiveness, which Giselle accepts. Hilarion however, is not so lucky as he chased by the Wilis and then thrown to his death in a nearby lake. Ultimately, Giselle's kind heart allows her to separate from the Wilis and sleep peacefully in her grave. But still, poor Hilarion huh?

Naturally this ballet has awesome written all over it. Vengeful spirits that take revenge on men by making them dance to their death? YES. Not to mention that Giselle rising from the grave invites gentle whispers of ZOMBIE. Well, ghost zombie I guess.

The Rite of Spring





Many recognize Igor Stravinsky's ballet The Rite of Spring as being the music for the dinosaur segment in Fantasia but it was actually first a ballet that filled the audience with horror because of how unconventional it was. Taking place in Pagan Russia, the Rite of Spring is something of a fertility ritual where a young virginal girl is sacrificed by being forced to dance to her death.

Clearly a central punishment in many ballets is this idea of dancing to your death. Which really is kind of the ultimate definition of my favorite kind of horror--something that is terrifyingly beautiful. It also speaks largely to that whole idea of being far too consumed by something you truly love. What if one day someone condemns me to eat sandwiches or play Zelda FOREVER? Well, I guess there could be worse things.

The Video Dead and Other Not As Amazing Stuff

I'M ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know, I know I have some explaining to do. The truth is, things have been pretty crazy as of late. And by "pretty crazy" I mean that I've been extremely lazy and also possessed by the new Zelda game. Dude, you can GO TO THE BATHROOM in the new Zelda game. The toilet flushes. IT FLUSHES! Best. Thing. Ever. Of course the down side is that all I want to do is play Zelda and sleep. Which doesn't leave room for much else--like blogging, watching movies and personal hygiene. Which sadly is the whole purpose of this blog. So for that I apologize.

I mean, it's not like I haven't been watching movies. I've been watching parts of movies and then getting restless and giving up.

For example: I watched Chillerama and then wanted to kill myself. I also watched the first two segments of Creepshow 2 and LOVED IT, but then I got lazy and forgot to watch the rest. I also watched Heathers and the beginning of The Cat O Nine Tails. None of these films however inspired me or should I say...motivated me to actually write anything.

That is until I started watching The Video Dead. Just so you know, The Video Dead gives a whole new meaning to the word amazing. This is mainly because it contains the kind of zombies I love.

The skeletal, ghoulish looking zombies who laugh at blenders and stick people in washing machines.

They also favor strangulation over eating people--but most importantly they have a sense of humor. Which is insanely meaningful considering that The Video Dead has an amazing sense of humor as well.

I kid you not, this movie may have officially unseated Slugs as my favorite so bad it's good horror movie. It's just too incredible for words. Oh right the plot. Well, it's about zombies that come out of the TV and kill you!

It's pretty much where Samara got her humble beginnings from. It also makes no sense because apparently the TV zombies come out of the TV and kill the guy who lives in the house and then.........

....They kill more people. What did the zombies do during that three month period? Apparently they just walked around in the woods and waited for fresh poodles to come wandering in? It's very confusing but also---it's what makes The Video Dead so amazing. No explanation necessary. Zombies. TV. Awesome.

It's also some of the best writing that I've ever come across. For instance:

Guy: I love animals!

Girl: Me too...only I don't count poodles as animals.

Guy: I'm glad you said that...because I really hate poodles.

Later, poodle gets killed by a TV zombie.

Girl: You don't understand. He likes to chase skunks in the woods, and if he finds them he tries to mate with them. Only skunks don't like to mate with poodles, and then they spray him and he really gets turned on.

Oh, it's almost too perfect for words.

I can't really say much else because The Video Dead is the kind of movie you'll need to experience for yourself. I even tried to take a bunch of hilarious screenshots, but it just wasn't translating...I guess you'd have to be there. Which means that you should watch The Video Dead and then come and laugh with me, like a zombie laughing at a blender.

Also, don't forget that The Video Dead also teaches us many lessons. But the most important lesson of all is that you should always keep your picture of Jesus sitting thoughtfully during a sunset, next to your iron and your knitting needles.

I'd also like to take this moment to tell you that there are some fantastic movies currently streaming on Netflix Instant Watch.

House, C.H.U.D, SLUGS, Vampires, Children of the Corn---get your butt over there and watch some movies. Not that I should be talking because now I'm going to go play Zelda. If you don't hear from me, you'll know what happened. Unless I died, which would be unfortunate.

Oh wait I forgot to say:

What is this poster?

And more importantly: Where can I get one? What does it say? Let's get back to books? Why are there dinosaurs? And why is this hanging up in this old lady's kitchen? I'm obsessed with it. Okay bye.

Roger Corman, The Real Magic in The Exorcist and a Black and White Cake.

This is a post about three random and neat things that I found out this weekend that I would like to share with you. Some of you may think it unnecessary and meaningless to divulge in such matters but you are wrong. The unnecessary and meaningless is what this blog thrives on!! I also find it curious that I'm using words that are a bit more challenging than my standard written vocabulary. To this I say, what ho? Or wait maybe now I'm just talking like some kind of saucy English lass. Is lass a Scottish thing? Oh, I give up. Although to be fair I think my recent surge in fake intelligence is due both to the fact that A. Teen Jeopardy happened this week and B. It was a rerun. What? Are you disappointed that I'm not as smart as I think I am? Me too friend. Me too.

SO ANYWAY. Here are some neat things that happened.

1. Roger Corman and Candles Sitting In a Tree.

Last night I had an epiphany that Roger Corman is CANDLE CRAZY. And not just any kind of candle crazy mind you...he's awesome bright super fucking cool colors candle crazy. In layman's terms that means that he likes bright candles. He LOVES them. In fact, I think it's fair to say that unusual colored candles are one of Corman's trademarks. I discovered this last night while watching the Pit and the Pendulum which has some pretty spectacular blood red candles in it.

This promptly got me thinking about Masque of the Red Death which I watched half of, fell asleep and then forgot about until now. What I did remember though was how gloriously beautiful the candles are in that film (And the colors too). I couldn't get over the fact of how fucking awesome a blue candle was. OR a teal one for that matter.

This got me really thinking. If there were two wonderful examples of awesome candles in two different Roger Corman films then doesn't that mean that just about every Roger Corman film should have awesome candles in it? Sort of yes.

Here is some evidence to prove this theory.

Sooooooooooo many candles. So many different glorious candles. How does he do it? How?!

I think I speak for all of us when I say that we need to start bringing candles back. Especially ones in cool colors like this. Let's make it happen.

2. Pazuzu, Whozu?

You don't need to tell me that's the best title to ever come out of my face--I know. So this weekend I've been in a bit of a documentary watching kind of mood. While on this craving I watched Fantastic Flesh: The Art of Make-Up EFX.

While not necessarily a documentary per say, it does have a pretty good collection of some horror movie magic that should warm all of hearts just the right way.

One especially crazy thing I learned during this is not only the existence of Dick Smith but also of the existence of some of the best make-up that most people don't even know is make up. I'm not talking about Pazuzu people. The most impressive make up believe it or not, was actually done on Max von Sydow who played Father Merrin.

In the Exorcist, Father Merrin is old. Like really fucking old. Like so fucking old he dies because the demon's demon power was too much for his old heart to handle. There's even a certain point where I swear you can see his life force kind of float out of him.

The thing about how old Father Merrin is, is that Max von Sydow was only 44 years old when he played the role. 44!!!! I thought that dude was 95. Dick Smith's makeup according to many is one of the finest examples of aging by makeup in the history of film. I think my jaw seriously dropped when I saw a picture of what von Sydow actually looked like during filming.

In fact, even today at 82 van Sydow looks like a spring chicken compared to his Father Merrin counterpart.

Isn't it crazy that movie makeup can be that good? It makes me smile and weep a tear for the future of CGI.

3. Kim Kardashian is a fan of the Sentinel!

Since our world is already crumbling into a black abyss of embarrassment, I think it's okay to talk about Kim Kardashian for a minute. It's kind of like when you kill someone and then realize that stealing a candy bar is probably not such a big deal. Am I right?

So if you haven't heard, Kim Kardashian got married to some guy she met 2 hours ago. Her wedding was the expected lavish ceremony filled with unnecessary touches and a really ugly beaded head crown thing that I think was supposed to honor the Child-like Empress but I can't be sure.

I can be sure however that it looked a lot better on the Child-like Empress.

Anyways. The theme of Kim's wedding was black and white which sadly does not mean the wedding honored one of the greatest songs and music videos of all time, Michael Jackson's Black or White. It also sadly did not feature Macaulay Culkin lip synching to a rap performed by an African American man.

This black and white theme however does mean that yes, the wedding cake was black and white.

While watching Access Hollywood tonight (Hey whatever you guys I was just waiting for Teen Jeopardy to start okay?) they actually pointed the cake out and said....."A black and white cake". This may not seem like a big deal to anyone who has never seen the Sentinel....but to those of us that have it can only mean one thing....

BLACK AND WHITE CAT. BLACK AND WHITE CAKE.

You know, it's funny. After everything I've been through and after everything I've learned in this world, I still cannot fucking figure out what the hell that means. What does that mean?! Nobody knows but it's still the best line in the entire film. And...WAIT A MINUTE. I get it!! The cat....Jezebel is black and white so the nice old lady was merely just pointing out that it makes sense if the cat's birthday cake is also black and white. OR does it mean that the cat's mother slept with a black man? AHH I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT!

What I can figure out however is that Kim Kardashian obviously loves the Sentinel. Why else would she have a black and white cake? It makes perfect sense.