Way To Go Moments in Horror History: Guy Woodhouse

Way to Go Guy Woodhouse

Guy Woodhouse is the ultimate low in bad husbandry. He's smug and smarmy, plus he's a bad actor. He's such a bad actor that he has to make a pact with the DEVIL to let him impregnant his wife- so that he can get a real acting job. Here we have the ultimate definition of someone who puts their work before their family. And what a sad sorry excuse he is for a man.

Say Guy, here's a swell idea!- find a new career you asshole. If you can't get an acting job take a crappy job at the bank, grocery store or somewhere that doesn't require you to bond with the weirdo next door neighbors who happen to be devil worshippers. Heck- ask Rosemary if she'll get a job! Whatever you do- don't tell the devil he can rape your wife. It's pretty rude and you didn't even ask Rosemary if it was OK.

Not only have you ruined the life of your wife- who does your laundry in a very scary basement- but you've also allowed the ultimate evil power to re-enter the world- and after Father Karras so nicely sacrificed his life to keep evil demons at bay too. Way to go Guy. Your son is going to have some serious Daddy issues.

Sleepaway Camp: A Tribute to Life.

It's official; Sleepaway Camp is the best movie in the world. Not only does it reaffirm my beliefs that summer camp is the all time worst place to be in the world- it also speaks on the dangers of wearing short shorts and having sex with your 70 year old camp director. There is honestly no competition when it comes down to naming my number one favorite summer camp movie of all time. It's not Friday the 13th or The Burning- it's SLEEPAWAY CAMP aka the greatest hour and 24 minutes of your life.

Let me start off by saying that you should stop reading if you've never seen this movie. I simply won't talk about it if I can't reveal the ending because the ending is possibly the greatest thing I've ever seen. So you've been warned.

Now the plot is- Angela and Peter are two creepy dark haired children with weird accents. While out boating with their father and his gay lover- a stupid girl drives her boat into the family killing one of the children. 8 years later we meet Angela and her cousin Ricky setting off for summer camp. Angela doesn't talk much, seems weepy, and lost her weird accent somewhere in those 8 years. Ricky on the other hand, is a class A stud muffin who has a knack for getting revenge on anyone who treats his cousin badly. So as it turns out- the kids in this camp are just as mean as if not more than the kids in Carrie. They pick on Angela for being quiet, and shake her a lot and do mean things. Soon campers start dropping like flies, and the counselors make a startling discovery about Angela.

Here are a few reasons that this movie exceeds all expectations for a fantastic horror movie.

1. The ultimate scum bag of the earth- the greasy kitchen cook calling the new arrivals "baldies" yeah figure that one out- and then trying to molest Angela in the pantry. Classic.

2.The astonishing rate that everyone dies- bee stings really do that in a matter of 1 second?

3. The horrible acting that makes everything seem even more amazing.

4. The short shorts. Here is some Eye Candy for you all to munch on...

Mmmmhmmmmmm

5. When the popular girl claims that Ricky is "just jealous"...... because he's obviously jealous of your giant horse pony tail.

The desire to chop off someone's hair has never been greater.

6. The realization that Hugh Hefner makes a cameo as the camp director and still has a soft spot for younger woman.

7. The worst fake moustache the world has EVER SEEN.

8. Finding out that apparently you don't bleed when you get an arrow shot through your throat- good to know.

9. Also finding out that when campers get murdered in their sleeping bags it actually just looks like someone stabbed a few stuffed animals or that your dishwasher exploded- again, good to know.

10. And the ultimate- by the end of the movie we find out that Angela has a penis and recently picked up a habit of acting like a wax figured extra from Cannibal Holocaust!

Now is that the greatest thing you have ever seen or is that the greatest thing you have ever seen?

In all honesty this movie is the most entertaining thing I've ever seen. The kills are over the top exaggerated and fantastic. The acting is awful and amazing at the same time, and the plot makes no sense whatsoever! I love Sleepaway camp with a passion and I'll tell you what else- these movies get better with every sequel. I think Sleepaway Camp II is probably my favorite because you really can't beat getting killed by being drowned in poop.

You think I'm joking I know but I'm really not. If you love campy, so bad it's good horror, then this is certainly the movie for you. I've discovered that all I really need in life is a bag of chips and my remote control to rewind the reveal of Angela's penis over and over and over again. Sigh. What a wonderful life.

Buy Sleepaway Camp at Horror Movie Empire!

The Puzzle: 1000 Pieces of Pure Thrill and Frustration.

A few of my closest confidantes know that one of my greatest weaknesses is a puzzle. I went through a brief stage in college where instead of traipsing out to the local bar- I stayed at home putting together a mosaic tiled puzzle of Winnie the Pooh. Puzzles have a unique and alluring quality that seems only to attract those whose minds are capable of focusing on the task- and who would rather spend an hour finding that one damn corner piece- instead of ordering a refill on their beer- AKA me. Nerd city.

And so the main character in Davide Melini's short film The Puzzle and I are immediately linked. However, I can only hope I do not end up the same way that she did.

The film is short- at about 5:00 but with opening credits and ending credits the actual film is closer to 4:30. The mother figure we meet seems to have a very static relationship with her son who apparently calls her a lot and asks for money. This time the mother puts her foot down and shouts that it's over- she will no longer give him money. We fast forward a bit to see the mother patiently doing a puzzle that seems to be giving her a lot of trouble. Before long, things start getting creepy and when the final solution to the puzzle is solved- the mother gets the message a little too late.

What I loved most about this film is the evident struggle plaguing the mother. Puzzles are one of those things that is painful to watch and be a part of- unless you are doing the puzzle. So when we see the mother agonizing over little pieces- pacing the room, walking around the table we in turn feel agonized and restless- which immediately puts us on edge. The entire idea of the puzzle and putting a puzzle together piece by piece to come to an overall complete picture is an outstanding metaphor for this little film. Things do not start making sense until the puzzle is completed and we see the solution. The solution in this case is perhaps a solution to the son's problems but only an even bigger puzzle to the audience who really has no idea what just happened. This isn't a bad thing however because the movie in turn becomes a sort a puzzle for the audience. We must carefully go back and put the pieces together to come to our own solution.

The film is very intriguing in other areas as well, the sound effects, how Melini builds up instant tension with the phone ringing and a confrontation- and some pretty impressive camera angles and shots. I especially loved the shot of the stove burner-which I was convinced was a jump rope for a good 5 seconds, and the always shadow of the candle on the face look.

Although the film is short, it definitely makes me interested to see what else Melini can come up with. If he is capable of making my head hurt in 4 minutes and 30 seconds I shudder to think what he could do with an hour and 30 minutes. I mean that in the best possible way. It's clear from this film that Melini will be making the type of horror movie I can really sink my teeth into. I mean of course the intelligent kind, the kind that make you think for hours on end and most importantly, the kind that affect you long after watching.

While the solution to the movie's overall message is difficult and challenging to figure out- what fun would a puzzle really be if it only had 10 pieces. Know what I mean? Melini brings complexity and possibilties to a world of horror that could really use his help.

For your viewing pleasure, you may watch Davide Melini's short film right here on this very blog. Feel free to share your own solution- and please spread the word about Melini and his extremely intriguing film- which certainly warrants more than one watch.